matildassorry

[matildassorry]

no cryptic post, i just want her back bro

[matildassorry]

i use to despise the color orange, and if i’m being honest, i still do.

but if you were to ask me,

my go-to color to paint my nails is a combo of my bright and pale orange polish.

my favorite chapstick in my little collection is flavored “orange jell-o”.

my favorite version of the sky is when the sun is setting and everything has a slight warm orange tint.

my favorite smirnoff flavor is orange cream pop because i think youd like it if you got the chance to try it.

my favorite bracelet is the orange beaded on i made for you in junior year of high school that i never got the chance to give you.

my favorite fruit to have is oranges because i like peeling them because i want to make sure i get all the white strings off so it’ll taste better, because i know you like it that way.

my go-to color of bendy straw is orange, but i’m running low so i don’t use them as often just in case you come back around, so that way i’m able to let you use your favorite color.

my favorite color combo is light pink and orange because i think they belong together. because light pink is my favorite color and orange is your favorite color.

i despise the color orange because all i can see is you.

[matildassorry]

i’ve tried to convince myself i’ve read it wrong. i’ve tried telling myself you know more about me than you are letting on.

i tell myself that even though i’m extremely vocal about my favorite color being maroon, you know that green looks good on me and that’s why you think it’s my favorite.

i tell myself that i have spiderman splattered all over everything i own, so you must know he’s my favorite super hero.

i tell myself that even though i talk about louis tomlinson like he’s the light of my life and even went to his concert for my birthday and express my undying love for him every chance i get, you know i have a few harry styles posters up in my room so that’s why you thought he was my favorite.

i tell myself that even though I’m sleep with my lot-so bear every night and hold him like he’s my baby, you must know how much he means to me even though you are the only person who’s never talked about him.

but i’m done trying to tell myself these things for you. just once i wish you’d know them for yourself.

[matildassorry]

i want someone i can be dependent on. not because i’m a dependent person, because i’m really not, i just want to be able to trust someone so much i don’t have to fend for myself. i can rely solely on them, and know everything is going to be okay.

i’ve always been so independent growing up. i’ve always done everything for myself. i’ve always just had me to rely on. i’ve always been the only stable person in my life. i know i’ll always be there.

but just once, just once, id like to be able to have someone to rely on. have someone else to trust that much.

a girl can only dream.

[matildassorry]

i yearn to outwardly show my love for someone.

i want to see a flower and associated it with them.

i want to learn their favorite movies and watch it on repeat when i miss them.

i want to learn their favorite songs so when i hear those songs i can think of them.

i wanna know their favorite color so i can paint it on my nails.

i wanna know what perfume or cologne they use so i can engulf myself in it when they aren’t with me.

i wanna buy a house with the one i love and have little mosaics of them around our house.

I wanna know their favorite scent and have it as wallflowers around our house.

I want to paint our bedroom walls the most prominent shade in their eyes. 

i wanna know their favorite baked good so i can bake it for them any time they crave it.

i want to know how they take their coffee so i can wake up extra early and make it for them so they can drink it in bed.

i want to know their favorite animal so when i see it or anything about it i can show them.

i want to know their go to order at every restaurant.

i want to know their favorite drink so i can order without even asking.

i want to know everything there is to know about someone.

[matildassorry]

i’m sick of feeling this way. i’m sick of letting myself get treated this way. i’m sick of lies. i’m sick of games. i’m sick of getting manipulated and played with. i’m sick of letting my guard down, just to get trampled all over. i’m sick and tired of letting her have this power over me. i’m over it. i wish i could just let her go. like truly let her go. and not go crawling back everytime she ever so slightly opens the door for us again. i’m sick of feeling so goddamn pathetic.

[matildassorry]

i wish i could just live my life without the thought of you nagging in the back of my head.

i wish i could go about my day-to-day routine with wondering how you are.

i wish it wasn’t so hard to resist the urge to text you and check up on you.

i wish i could just let you go.

truely let you go.

wipe you clean from my mind and never think about you again.

i’m so sick of you being able to control my thoughts and feelings even when you are no longer an active part of my life

i just wish i knew what it was like to live without the memory of you haunting me.

[matildassorry]

i will love you forever, but i can no longer love you with my whole being. instead, i have the love for you hidden and tucked away in the bottom of my heart.

i love you, and i truly do believe you were it for me, but i cannot keep allowing this love to hurt me and break me any more.

i have gotten my own form of closure, and i think it is best you are no longer in my life.

i’m finally at peace, and with that i say, bye forever my moon.

[matildassorry]

i’m happy to be my own person again

[matildassorry]

i’m glad you’re out of my life.

i don’t find myself missing you as often as before. i don’t find myself missing you at all, really.

i abruptly brought you back into my life after almost 2 years of having no contact. and you left just as much, if not more, abruptly than how you entered.

i was so lost. i was so confused. i was so hurt and broken.

i just wanted you to be there. i just wanted you there for me. i wanted you there because you to wanted to be there.

but you weren’t.

i wanted closure.

and in a round-about fucked up way, i got it.

i saw that you don’t love me. i saw how easily you could cut me out. i saw how easily you can replace me. i saw just how easily you can live your life without me in it. i saw that you really do only come running back to me when you’re bored, or have no one else to turn to, or just because you know i’ll be there.

i’m not doing that shit again. i’m over it. i’m done.

i don’t need to keep torturing myself over a dumb idiotic blonde bitch who clearly doesn’t want, or care about me.

the amount of shit you put me through?? all the times you played with me? toyed with my emotions? gave me false hope?

you would block me if you were around certain people, then unblock once you were alone again. IS THAT NOT INSANE TO YOU?

like the times i was staying up all night because you told me we would hang out at a certain time, then i didn’t get a text until hours later of you canceling. or all the other times i stayed up until ungodly hours of the night, just waiting for you to call me back, like you said you would. or the times i drove to your town, just to see you? or made up an excuse to my friends as to why i couldn’t hang out with them, because you asked me to do things?

i quite literally “cancelled plans just in case you called”. which you didn’t btw.

god you made me feel so pathetic.

especially when you blocked me, then didn’t unblock me like you usually did. after the first week, i was a complete wreck. i had the worst crash out of my life. i was crying for 36 hours. i couldn’t get myself under control.

then a month later, i get a random add back from you? and of course i added back, because i’m a pathetic, weak girl. i just wanted to see why. i needed to know. i was so lost, so broke, so hurt. and of course you fed me lies. i didn’t believe them, still don’t.

but you asked if we could hang out, and i said yeah. i wanted to talk in person. i wanted to hear you say the things you texted. but when it came time for us to hang out, of course, you never answered and i was waiting around for HOURS. do you know how pathetic that is?? but i just excused it, and pretended i didn’t care. but i did.

we went about things like it never happened.

we talked for about 4 days that time, then it was radio silence for 3 days. then 20 minutes before my birthday, i unadded you.

that was about two weeks ago.

i’m so happy i did it. i feel so relieved.

i don’t miss you. or really think about you.

i did check up on one of your socials though. apparently you have a girlfriend now? (which is crazy considering it’s only been about two weeks since you told me you still have feelings for me, but ooookkkaay)

but i’m glad you’re out. and i’m glad that experience gave me closure. even if it did break me to complete pieces, i still got the closure i think i so desperately needed. and now you’re no longer in my life.

bye forever my moon.

[matildassorry]

why now? why now of all times? why did you unblock me? why tonight? why at all? why after a month? why did it take you a month? why did you lie about the reason of why you blocked me? why are you trying to make this into some game? why are you acting like this is a joke? why did you add me? why? why???

[matildassorry]

and selfishly, i wish you wanted it to be me too.

@kiisuuumii (love letter)

[matildassorry]

i hate to admit it. it really pains me to admit it. but i really truly actually believe you were the one for me. you were it for me. you are the only person i will ever love that much and that hard. even though i know it will never work out for us, and we will never be able to be together happily and healthily, you are my one. you are my only. you are my first love. my only love. i will forever compare every person i take even slightly interest in to you. even if i don’t want to. even if i don’t mean to. i will. no one will ever be able to come close to you in my eyes.

and i’m devastated i wasn’t the one for you.

but i just want you to be happy. i just wish you could’ve been happy with me.

[matildassorry]

if i can be this tiny once i can be this tiny again if i can be this tiny once i can be this tiny again if i can be this tiny once i can be this tiny again

i will be this tiny again i will be this tiny again i will be this tiny again i will be this tiny again

[matildassorry]

i cant eat. not without feeling sick or guilty about it. but i don’t even deserve to eat. i shouldn’t get to feel full. i should have to feel my hunger and deal with it. it’s my punishment. i’ve been too greedy with my eating lately. wasting my days away with consuming unnecessary calories. i’ve been giving in even when i know i shouldn’t. because i don’t deserve it.

[matildassorry]

i think i’ve finally figured out why i stay up until ungodly hours of the night every night. i think im subconsciously staying up for you. i’m waiting for you. if you decide to text me, if you ever do, i’ll be awake to answer you. even if i’m upset with you and your actions and how you make me feel, i’ll still be up for you. i’ll still be here for you. i’ll always be right here, waiting, for you.

[matildassorry]

“but i’m different now. i’ve changed.”

no? you haven’t? you’re still the same selfish, conceded, lying, gaslighting, manipulative blonde bitch you were. you haven’t changed. you’ve just gaslit everyone so hard it reflected back to you, and you’ve convinced yourself you aren’t the same. you think you’re a victim. you don’t care about anyone but yourself. you only texted me when it was convenient for you. we only hung out when it was on your terms. you aren’t any different than you were. you’re still a blonde piece of shit.