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Images from Jim Henson’s 1989 film noir, Dog City.

Jim himself was very pleased with it, calling it one of his favorite shows. And it indeed has to rank as one of the best things he did: you see it and realize what the modern Muppets often are missing. A little mayhem, a little anarchy, bad puns, a heart.

Rowlf featured in it too, by the way. And Fraggle Rock’s Sprocket appears, he gets thrown out of a bar.

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How to Balance Fatherhood and Romance at the Circuit of the Americas: An Open Letter to Andy Rooney

Dear Andy Rooney:

For as long as I can remember I’ve been burdened with a peculiar gift- I cannot climax further than 100 feet from the Main Track at the Circuit of the Americas in Austin, Texas. Though I have intentionally kept this case away from the public eye for fear of being abducted, studied, and summarily executed, I have several working hypotheses as to the nature of my condition. I am what you would call a “sensualist”; that is, I am able to find concentrated and profound sexual pleasure in almost every setting.

Upon learning this in the fourth grade I immediately created a report and presented my findings in a .pptx at the next Family Meeting, and was met with all the familial love and support I could possibly ask for. My mother took a “second maternity leave” to create a rubber “exoskeleton” of sorts that would protect my sensitive skin from all manner of touch. For a time, this was effective. Her fatal flaw, though, was in forgetting to add a zipper to the suit- as I grew I stretched the yellow insulative material to its absolute limit and removed the wiggle room I once used to extract myself from the exoskeleton before resigning to my Egyptian Cotton sheets- and as such I am currently unable to remove it from my body.

“Yeah, Lauren started trying to run away just as I was about to bust a nut so I ‘entered sniper mode’ and blasted her in the doorway,” Said Charlie. “Our Natalie will be 2 next month.” Cars zoomed down the track at record speed- Steve McQueen had done it again.

“Miracle of fuckin’ birth, that is.” Grunted Ronnie, his mouth overstuffed with turkey leg and ranch.

I tried to smile and shy away, glanced down to my can of Coors Light. The Cold Activated Mountain’s blue tint was starting to fade, and with it the spark of kinship that had brought the four of us together in the first place. I found the Circuit to be a veritable cornucopia of sensation- the constant vibrations and shouting are mouth-watering, as are the various dipping sauces on tap at its many canteens. I turned my attention to the 40-person bathroom stalls to my left- my baby was waiting.

“Do you have protection?” She asked between gasps. I unzipped myself and checked. I had attached a tube to my penis that connected to a 6-gallon ziploc bag taped to my upper thigh, but I filled that bad boy up before I even got to the stadium. “Oh well,” I thought to myself. “Let’s hope there’s a little more room in your bag, piss pig.” “What did you just call me?” She replied. I stumbled around my words, not realizing I had been verbalizing my thoughts this whole time. Unsure of how to rectify the situation, I doubled down- “I called you a piss pig, bitch. Now get ready to fuck.” I covered my mouth in shock. Was this really the man I had become?

“I forgot- I have a kid here. His name’s charlie and he’s 14. He’s not yours but you need to treat him right baby.” She told me.

My situation was suddenly and profoundly clear:

I was going to have to bounce between being a father figure and a 215-pound slab of ass like the world’s horniest pinball.

Best,

Michael Garcia

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SAM-TA

“A Film For Both Adults and Children”