mayankjain89-blog

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ROBOTS OR DINOSAURS?

None of them.... VAMPIRES!!!

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The '15 minute effect'

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The new Facebook template for your blog !

I just made this new design for my blog and i m feeling pretty happy about it. I know a lot of geeks are ready to grab it for their own too. But, sorry guys it is not exactly available for download. You will have to follow this step to step guide i made for u to get the end result. 1. First, get a decent image processing software like photoshop or atleast paint.net 2. Take a snapshot of an open FB page so that u can pick the exact same colours for ur header. 3.The font used in the facebook logo is called 'Klavika'. I found it on 4shared.com. 4. Once u have created an image file for the header, here comes the tricky part. When u try to replace the blog title with the image, it does not goes till the boundaries and is usually distorted. So i replaced the blog title with a 'transparent' gif image made in paint.net 5. Go to blogger's new template designer and go to background tab. Here, upload the image u created earlier in background. Don't forget to uncheck the 'tile' option and check the 'move image with page' option. 6. Remember, u should create a file that's long enough horizontally so that it covers the full screen on larger monitors. Mine is 1366 pixels long, though 1600 would have been better. 7. To remove the blogger navbar, got to the 'edit html' tab on the 'design' page and add this code (in green) in the header just below the template details (in blue).. -------------------------------------------- Blogger Template Style Name: ABC Designer: XYZ URL: www.stopdesign.com Date: 26 Feb 2004 ----------------------------------------------- */

 #navbar-iframe { display: none !important;}

/* Variable definitions ===================

8. To change the default blogger icon on the title bar, u need to make a new icon of ur choice. U can convert it into the '.ico' format using paint.net 9. Read this post from blogger in draft on changing ur favicon and follow their simple instruction. Happy Blogging !

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The new face of political barbarism : Ramdev ?

I am not a very saintly person. But i occasionally get a little shouty-douty when the clerk at the railway station does backdoor reservations at the expense of those standing in the queue. I really swear though, the thing that never crossed my mind yet is to 'hang the clerk by neck till death' ..or maybe 'make him do kapalbhati till he kills himself'. Well, it crossed the mind of the honorable and graceful saint shown on left. It must be right i think, as lakhs of people are said to be supporting him in his 'satyagraha'. I don't mind whatever the hell he might have spent on the AC pandals or shit. There are lots of genius people around who want to buy more and more of ramdev special chyavanprash and other premium horseshit. Atleast he had earned it by making a fool of genuine fools. I can't give any more crap about it. The thing that hits me is the way he asks for death sentence for freakin everything. Now what the hell happened to it being 'rarest of rare' cases that are allowed execution ? Ours is a death sentence obsessed nation. The law is considered a mere tool of taking revenge. Maybe it is the effect of the old Dharmendra movies with dialogues like.. "Bhagwaan kasam, jab tak tera khoon apne baap ki kabr pe nahi chadhaunga tab tak chain ki saans nahi loonga..!!!!!"  ( Kutteeeee !!!!!!!). Isn't he supposed to be a 'religious' guy.. or what they call a 'yogi' ? For somebody who claims to have achieved inner peace and whatever other shit, isn't this supposed to be freakin shameful for him ? How you can bloody fight against corruption by teaching medicine and engineering in hindi, is a logic that hangs my processor everytime i give it a second try. And yeah, banning the 500 and 1000 rupee notes would be a real fine thing. Then i wont have to withdraw money from ATMs in 400-400 batches to get 100 rupee notes. It's really shameful when you show the 500 note to the canteen guy after drinking coffee for 5 rs. Still, i sometimes wonder.. how would the baba have payed for his five star satyagraha in 100 rs. banknotes. Huhh, maybe he used his platinum card. Like i care.. Well, Cruddy just got up after refreshing his mind with his evening dose of 'anulom-vilom' and now he is bugging me that he will hang me in the frontyard if i don't let him play GTA on the computer. I guess this is all for today. Gud night ! You can read about more baba's claims and games at this link..click here

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If Osama is dead.. show us the head !

The billboards have been flashing for a while now.. i don't even think that u needed to google up for the real story like i did. So here's the mixed bag of reactions that i have been digging up on google for a while... People have new funny status updates to post on FB... I have been reading these ones over and over for some time now..

#What a country pakistan is...Even osama is nt safe there

#I nicknamed my girls G-spot 'Osama'. It took me almost ten years to find but when I did...

And then there's one blogger who claims that the same dead osama pic had been in circulation for a while.. 'what we have here is fake propaganda' The comic book people have been going mad for quite some time. Here is a sneak peek at some of the tragedies that this disaster has created.. jobless US soldiers, more soldiers, conspiracy theorists, some med students, ..and yes, some senti people too : A picture of Osama and Saddam celebrating in heaven As far as i am concerned, i kinda have my fingers crossed over the whole 'answer' thing that is expected to come up from the terrorists within what.. a week's time you say ? Till then, enjoy ur champagne and have a ball.. u never know how long we have till we go into red-alert again.

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I wrote this one when i was in school. Found it while sifting through my old diaries... Don't take it seriously. I was 15 when i wrote this. If you don't know about the story of king ashoka, you can read it here 

The horses arrayed side by side,

And men keeping the fullest pride, Having prayed to the kali, We thus began to ride. The war clouds went dark, And owls began to shriek,

And we in camps, began rejoicing,

For the enemy was so weak. It began to drizzle red, And red were land and airs, But neither victory, nor defeat, Came our way, passed years. With the doors of Kalinga still meeted, Our enemy remained undefeated, With the giant gates our head we beated, No answer came, no battle repeated.

The answer came at last, But what an answer it was ! For there was an army of the softer skin, To slay them, was a justless win. My weapons dropped, so did my shield,

And under grief i began to yield, How many men i killed in vain ? With deep remorse i left the field. Whatever evil gives pleasure today, Leads to grieving at the end of the day, Once look at me, O men of earth, Before you pass the war god's way. I am the conqueror of ruins, The emperor of the dead, A loser in the most hateful way...

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Sir Cruddy goes to the Royal Wedding !

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Face to face..

Sometimes when the camera is good, it's a nice idea to take closeups. I personally like to keep it a little asymmetrical. When i took this one, i wanted to use it as a wallpaper on my laptop, but it doesn't looks as nice when i try to fit it on a widescreen.

 The lighting was very favourable in this one. It was just after a long rainy day that i stepped out to 'hunt' for subjects. This was actually the leftover stump of a tree that had been cut down. New plants have started to grow at the middle of the heartwood. But, i guess it doesn't looks that exciting in a picture as it was in real life.

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My 0.002 MP Camera and me...

It seems like everybody is making a photography blog these days. I know i can't afford one.. cause you know, one has to be a real photographer to fill a whole blog !! So this is just a little of me and my 0.002 MP camera that I hope you would keep tolerating time and again in the times to come..

I found this idol lying carelessy in a well-populated area within my college. We were awestruck that we hadn't noticed it for a long time. It was well camouflaged in the background because of it's greyish discolouration similar to the tree-barch. I have changed the pic to black and white as the colours were quite dull but the shadows were looking awesome. And for the record.. I had actually taken it from a VGA camera in my phone (that's just 0.3 Mega-Pixels)

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Pharmacy blues

Ok, so i have not blogged in a long time. Got busy. And the problem with being busy is that you can't get enough time for the good stuff even though all you have to do is to hang around other busy people and do nothing. I have been sitting and staring at books for long hours during my exams, quite happily because the bookworm-chick-next-to-me is the batch topper. I read quite a few novels sitting backstage at the drama practices, when other people were discussing about "Oh no, those guys on you-tube lifted off our story even before we started making it !". I munched away on the chips in lengthy meetings for the college magazine where other people are doing the dirty work. All i had to do was look up from time to time and say, "Yeah you rock buddy ! We should really make the cover in blue". So you got the general idea i guess.. Anyways, this week i got to attend a medical camp in a nearby village. Now there were five of us med-students and two other doctors who decided to take time off their busy schedule for the community service. We were supposed to pick up our favorite job in the camp. I looked around and saw that the only chairs with cushions were in the van carrying the medicines. So i thought.. what the hell ! I passed in Pharmacology this year... didn't I ? Even though i might have read a few dosages here and there from the bookworm-chick-next-to-me's papers. The patients will never know about it ! So yes, that's it folks. The patients started pouring in soon. The doctors were getting all sweaty from shouting, "Didn't i tell you to stay out of the door and wait for the turn !" and, "Please open you mouth wider.. yes a little bit more.. I said WIDERRRRR !!!" And we got 'busy' with our work too. Sitting around in the van, trying to read every slip that had worse handwriting than mine. After poking around for half an hour with a prescription that read something like 'analfin' .. 'altraz' .. 'aletic' ..I walked upto the doctor and asked him why would he give a 50 year old man something that sounds like an estrogen supplement, he told me that i was supposed to read it 'Antacid' ..and by that he means i can give the man any antacid that's in stock. The evening passed uneventful after that, with some astonishing prescriptions like..

Diagnosis: Osteoarthritis Rx: Paracetamol Diagnosis: Chronic alcoholism Rx: Paracetamol, Vit B. Complex Advise: Stop drinking Diagnosis: Chronic Bronchitis Rx: Paracetamol, Cough syrup

That's what you actually have to do when you are providing medical care for free. People actually turn up just because they are curious that something unusual is happening in their small village. There was a husband and wife who were visiting all doctors in turn, giving new symptoms every time. And when i handed them the usual paracetamol for the third time, they looked at each other and smirked with a "see i told you they give the same medicine for everything !" look in their faces. And then there were some more socially responsible people like the man who walked up to me when i was awfully 'busy'.. Nice old man: "Hey, are you doing checkup for eyes too ?" Mack: "Sir, please talk to the doctor. Maybe he has some charts for testing vision." Nice old man: "Ok leave that, do you guys do plaster over fractures." Mack: "I'm so sorry we are not carrying anything for plasters in the van. (I am just a medical student sucker. I was probably sleeping in the OPD when the PG resident was telling us how to do a plaster)" Nice old man: "Aww, and you got bandages for dressing wounds ?" Mack: "Oh my God, what happened to you ?" Nice old man: "Oh, Nothing happened to me. I am just passing time after my evening tea. It gets quite boring in the summer you know."

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The best 3 resolutions you can make in 2011 : Cruddy's New Year Special !

Hellu Averybuddy ! Cruddy here !! I am fine. Thank you for reeding. That mice guy Mack had been quite jenerus with Cruddy this tyme. He give Cruddy his passworld to Bloger on promice that Cruddy no read no male from his Inbocks. So here I yam, discusing my New Ear Resolutions from you oll. I hope Mister Mack and the reeders wood lyke this guest post.. Resolution Numbar 1. Cruddy save money this ear. No money, no honey they use to say. Cruddy even waak to tha ofice averyday than to use tha caar. Resolution Numbar 2. Cruddy no smoke this ear. SveeT giv Cruddy a buk "How to quit smoking : Quick and Easy". Buk cost 10 cave-dollar. No waste money, remember ? Resolution Numbar 3. Cruddy buy Cuban Sigars from tha saved money. Muddy was tolding yesterday, tha Sigars look moar classick and eligent. By tha way, Mister Mack you have had no e-male from no Bank Mannajer from Burkina Faso. He didunt even talk about any 10 milliun dollor you didunt get from your dead aunt either. You can sleep nice and easy. I have no even change your passworld. You forget it youarself Cruddy thinks. 

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How to write good answers in your exams... Caveman style !

Dear bored guys readers.. you already know Cruddy's story very well. This one is about his neighbour Professor Billeus Newtonsteineus who lives five caves next to the Cruddies. People call him uncle Bill (mostly behind his back).. that was supposed to be his real name but during his fresher term at college he was so impressed by his Animaliologistics professor that he renamed himself according to the binomial nomenclature. Here is a page from the internal assesment exam of his student Teddious cavemanious (..and rumors are that he used to be Caveman Teddy about an year and a half ago) ..and by the way, he is currently pursuing his PhD in the field of equine-end-gastric-discharges. ~~~~~~~~~~~ Caveman Central University - Internal Assessment Exams ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Instruction: 1.All questions are compulsory. 2.All questions carry 100 marks each. 3.There is only one question in this paper. 4.Time limit: till the examiner finishes his tea. 5.The examinee is supposed to bring his own answer sheets. The college is out of money repainting the graffiti you did on the walls. Question 1: Write a long-essay on the mechanical, physiological and chemical properties of horse dung. Explain the proper method of collection and utilization of the same. Elaborate with well labeled diagrams wherever necessary. Answer 1:  Definition: Horse dung, which has been termed as equine-end-gastric-discharge in the year 1922 b.c. by Dr.Stally et.al. is a very precious mixture of compounds. It is obtained from the rear side of a horse of either gender, color, age or breed. Thus it is a generic character of the Horse family. Properties: 1.Is blackish in appearance. 2.Is foul smelling. 3.Apparently black in colour, can be even blue, red or green depending on the eyesight of the observer. 4.The shade is usually dark black. 5.Is a semi solid mass. 6.The most common variety is the black one. Method of collection: It requires absolutely refined skill to collect horse dung. The collector must be equipped with at least 20 hours of dung-collection experience under a licensed dung-collector before he can do it alone. And then harry potter took out his invisibility cloak and set out in the castle to reach the grand staircase. The portraits on the walls were irritated by the light of his wand and started shouting. The dung collector should wear an apron covering the front of his body and a helmet and groin cover made of metal to avoid the random blows of the equine in the stable. When he suddenly saw professor snape appearing on the marauder's map. He quickly put off his wandlight and started running toward his room, but snape caught him midway and presented 3 different methods of dung collection in 1755 b.c, which are explained in detail below. And then he saw peter pettigrew on the map but he could not locate anyone in person so he dumped the horse dung in the collection pan and ran for his life avoiding snape. Thus, any of these methods can be effectively used to collect horse dung, but the one approved by the international union of pure and applied animaliologistics (IUPAA, estd 1824 b.c.) is the Aristotle's use-a-shovel method. It is shown in the diagram. Utilization: 1.Used as manure in the corn-fields. 2.Play pranks on people by keeping it in front of their houses. 3.Who the hell cares about the rest. 4.If you still want more, please see the answer number 23 on the page 15 of Plato's Concise Exam Notes. I think i forgot it in my bag outside. So guys, this might be my last post of this season as my own exams are coming up and as you might have guessed, i too am aiming for A+ this time..

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And one day humans would have USB ports too !!!

This post is from a series of older articles. To read the main story, click here. To follow A Philosopher's Diary click here

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If that is a trick question... it is the worst i have seen

Holmes: Look here Watson, i just noticed this grand puzzle in an intellectually stimulating site i was surfing through. Watson: And what's special about it ? Holmes: You see, it is a trick question in here. The man is actually asking two questions here. 1. What is your IQ and 2.What number do you see ? Watson: Well... so did you found out your IQ ? Holmes: I don't know yet.. when i tried to answer the first question, i really can't find an answer because you already know my IQ is above 150 and yet they had no button which reads more than hundred. And when i clicked on the second one's answer it took me to a pretty indecent site.. by mistake i suppose. Watson: Ohh.. by the way, if ever again you see someone who says he can find your IQ by using Ishihara charts for testing color-blindness, don't forget to tell me. I will personally and officially send their recommendation for the Nobel Prize in Medicine !

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Cruddy got a new pet !!!

And thus they bought the iDog.. with one eye and no teeth. Features include a high sensitivity eardrum which can hear the sound of Mr. Muddy's newspaper falling in their lawn and can use it's special stealth mode to sneak into their house and pee over their new carpet whenever SveeTe wants.. Of course, now they have to buy him iSnacks from the Gobbs Departmental Store every day as he does not touches any other store's food.

This post was related to an earlier series.. click here to view the original post.

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Attention seeking behaviour.. ehh ?

India is full of innovation.. well at least in stealing ideas. So the thing i am going to show u is just an example of what the advertising companies do everyday to grab attention of the viewers, be it the simple advertisement for a toothpaste to pressure cookers... S** sells, and everybody knows that. So, today morning i was moving towards the mess to have my breakfast as routinely as possible when this grabbed my attention...

Below the obvious ***  it reads.. "Now that i have got your attention, please read the following notice- There will be no extra diwali vacations for university going terms this year."

Well, i guess that's pretty mean of you to cut our vacations. But, who cares ? It's going to be preparatory leave anyways. 

p.s. Watson who was sitting besides me and have just read this, is nudging me to delete this as soon as possible or both of us might be rusticated for ...well ..some reason or the other.

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Must be discussing security protocols i guess...

Dear friends, i understand that u people are already bored of shitty gossip blogs. Don't blame me for this one if it ruins ur day...

As far as the story goes, the people at the pandal (..that is a word for 'tent' in hindi) were supposedly there for an architectural convention. There were apparently a lot of big architects from all over the country inside, and dozens of students of course. And then, all of a sudden it collapsed like a pack of cards... BANG.. ..just like that. I guess, it could have actually been an experiment on the security protocols of building tents. Who knows. Maybe the dean wanted to give a practical lecture over the hazards of unsafe buildings. I think i should call in Holmes soon to investigate again...