mayheminfive

[mayheminfive]

Didn't think I'd be writing about her again...but here I go

Been encountering some things lately which reminds me of Crazy. Or maybe also because I recently had to go to where she lives, and would remember certain stuff. Anyway, the work stuff that I remember are usually some bad shit that happened between us, and it's really annoying that I still have to think about it.

The most recent thing is that we're gonna have a themed thing for the year-end party, and I remember that year when we were supposed to perform together for the Spring banquet, and I dressed up with a lot of colors (the colorful theme), and then she commented that I looked "scary". And I was like, uh, I'm just trying to fit the theme. Either way, maybe I should've just ignored her, but I think maybe at that point I had already had it up to here with her, so I was extra sensitive about what she said.

Can't believe I took 3 more years of her shit. I must've been the crazy one.

[mayheminfive]

Probably just PMS

Or maybe it's just too cold and the fact that I also have a cold. Anyway, feeling kind of low and down these past couple of days. I guess I was pretty happy that I got to buy a Survey Corps. windbreaker and a little bag, cute. And I drew a Levi magnet, I think I shrieked with excitement when I opened it? Lawl.

Anyway, in a way, I'm kind of glad that I'm not really someone who shares these things on social media? I feel like I would become too obsessed with getting "likes" from people that the actual joy of buying or doing something would be diminished.

But on the other hand, I can also see the joy in sharing something in a community where people enjoy similar things. For example, I subscribe to that "little useless shit" group, and they always share these really useless shit, but it's so fun to look at them! Also really funny to realize that people feel a sense of belonging. Someone posted something and said, "My mom asked me why I bought this little uselss shit, and I replied with, 'Someone will understand.'" referring to the people of this group. Ha.

Anyway, looks like it's dinner time and I have to go eat in order to take my cold medicine. I appreciate the husband for always nagging at me, I know he only does it because he cares. On my darker days, I would tend to interpret that as, he just doesn't want me to pass the cold on to him.

[mayheminfive]

Design team leader

Another coworker that I sort of befriended at the previous job.

We hung out together last Friday, and she proceeded to tell me that she wanted to shop around Eslite, which was fine, but like, it's something I wish she would've told me ahead of time so that I could be mentally prepared for it.

She did a few other things that sort of peeved me. She was buying these desserts, and also trying to secure it for other people on her team. There was a long line and she was on the phone. People who do that just annoy me, and I, as the companion, was extremely embarrassed. I had to get her attention to let her know that there was a long line, and she didn't even seem to care.

Then we shopped around (for her), and because she was carrying a bunch of shit, I helped her carry some stuff, but it seemed like she just took it for granted that I would, and didn't even try to take it back from me, or thank me afterwards. At one point she even asked me to hold on to more stuff while she looked for something. I think if it were someone I had a closer relationship to, I probably wouldn't have minded, but I think the combination of events that had happened up to that point just made me lose patience for her.

Then we proceeded to have dinner, and the entire time she was just bitching to me, never once asked me about what I had been up to or how I had been. Granted, we did meet up because she had previously wanted to talk to me about work stuff that's been happening. But still, we haven't seen each other in a long time. Which is also another reason why I feel like we aren't really friends. I honestly don't care much about what's going on with her, and vice versa. So like, what's the point of this relationship? Lawwwl.

Anyway, after that hang out, I decided that I never wanted to hang out with her again. It definitely felt like we were not on the same frequency, and in retrospect, we never had been.

[mayheminfive]

Exes

They cross your mind sometimes.

Recently I decided to read that last email that A sent me circa Oct. 2022. I suppose he needed closure or something, so had mentioned some "cute" note I left him when we were still together and then proceeded to end the email with an apology about how he treated me. Well, it humored me then and humors me now. Why treat me that way, then? Ha.

Reminds me of that book Eligible that I recently finished (a modern retelling of P&P), where Jasper was a douche to Liz and couldn't understand why Liz broke up with him in the end, still texting, still wanting to get back. But lucky for him, he got his closure, because she eventually called and told him how big of an asshole he was. I guess I also told A how unreasonable he was acting, but never "let him off the hook", so to speak, in the end by any form of contact or forgiveness. (Also assuming that he doesn't know I got married (since we don't have any friends in common)? Because why would you say that shit to a married ex). I'd be curious to see if he decides to email me again later on in life when he is reminded of me in the tidbits of our memories together.

Then went on to think about L, whom, I suppose, was the only other I had ever felt "love" for. Just reminded myself of how foolish I was to believe that we had a future together. I'm glad that I ultimately got closure for this one, which proved that he was a decent person. In retrospect I did feel like he was leading me on for some time (maybe I did the same to him) by the frequent calls and texts, saying I love yous even though at the time I was in Taiwan and he was in Atlanta, not knowing when we would ever get to be together. Funny to think that I was even considering uprooting everything to go to him. Then later learnt that he was over the entire experience in Sendai and no longer wished to associate with anyone from that past. Fair. I remember our last call, agreeing that we wouldn't be together, saying that we would love and care for each other forever, the end. I can't say that I love or care much for him nowadays, but at least I don't have any maliciousness towards him. Hope he's doing well.

(A not so much, I wish he continues to feel the misery of having been a complete dick to me, lawl)

[mayheminfive]

I guess I'm fine now

Re: previous post bitching about husband.

I guess other things happened between then and now that made me think otherwise. I'm not "upset" at him anymore, and I'm happy about the way things are between us.

I guess no matter what my thoughts are about his unromantic self, I still appreciate everything that he does for me or on my behalf or with my family. It's annoying having to deal with each other's families, but we make do.

[mayheminfive]

And I thought I didn't need this anymore

I suppose dark thoughts never go away, ha.

Recently it's about the husband whom I mentioned previously that I love very much. I still do, but many of our conversations has me overanalyzing everything and doubting whether he reciprocates those feelings.

I've written this down in my physical journal, but I suppose I want to put it together with my other dark and negative thoughts, lawl.

So I had asked him many dumb questions (not sure why I choose to because knowing him, he'll give me too hetero-male of an answer), and of course had not gotten the responses that I was expecting, or wanting.

Why did you decide to marry me? - Because you don't try to control me, you let me do my own thing. (To which I responded with: couldn't ANYone do that? What's so special about me then?) He maintains that it's not easy for most women to not control as much as I don't. Fine. The answer I was looking for was probably some "good" quality about me, but I suppose those aren't necessarily important for him.

Don't you think that we have a good relationship? - Well, I wouldn't say we do, relationships ebb and flow, you can be good one day and not so good the other. (This question was asked on a particular "good" day (for me), and I wanted him to just say, "yes".)

All of this is to say, he is a tad bit too pragmatic/rational for those "romantic" moments that I was looking for. But really, he is never actively romantic. I mean, I don't need those moments a lot, but he sure as hell won't feed them to me even if I make it obvious.

The last couple of nights, I've been trying to avoid physical contact with him. Usually when he says he's gonna turn the lights off to go to sleep, I would lean over and hold him for a couple of minutes (he "can't sleep" when I'm holding him), and then I'll let go and go back to reading my webtoons. But I refrained. I'm not sure if he noticed, since I do it EVERY night. Or at least I had been doing it every night for the last couple of months that I've been funemployed. I suppose there were a couple of times when I had been a tiny bit upset with him and also didn't, but it's never been two nights in a row.

Is it such a big deal? you may ask. Well, it isn't. All the times when you're being irrationally upset about your better half, it's usually over something really silly. But alas, my feelings are mine and I happen to feel this way right now.

Being the negative and pessimistic me, of course I went off on a tangent and started thinking about shit like, "why would he want to marry me anyway, I'm nothing special, might as well just get a divorce right now". But it actually did get me to start thinking back about when we decided to get married, and I honestly can't remember why. I was anti-marriage for 30+ years, and all of a sudden I met "the one" and then I decided to marry him. But now I can't remember how I came to that conclusion. Like, was it absolutely necessary for us to get married? Or were we just pressured into it because his dad passed away? I mean, I don't remember anyone (at least not my parents) telling me that I better get married right away or anything. It's weird. I mean, obviously I "love" him. But love is never the right reason to get married in my opinion. There must've been something else that prompted this decision making process.

Anyway, I don't regret marrying him, of course, but I just can't seem to figure out why I decided to in the first place. What's in it for him, anyway. Sure, he got to move into a pretty nice apartment, but is it worth all the trouble of having to deal with me and my family and everything else? I have no idea. Anyway, it's been two days and I suppose I'm still not over it. Like, I'm probably gonna be awkward in front of him again tonight. Meh.

[mayheminfive]

Meeting new friends

So mayheminfive is technically supposed to be where I put my emo thoughts, but I guess this is kinda a happy thought?

I recently befriended a coworker, beginning WFH April 2022. We don't really have much in common, except we can shoot the shit about lots of random things, and it's been really enjoyable online-hanging out with her.

So the worst part in all of this is that usually when you leave a job, the friendships that came with being coworkers don't usually last. I'm not particularly worried about it right now, since both of us aren't soon to leave, yet. But yah, I guess so far so good. Just wanted to put that down in words.

[mayheminfive]

I do have to say, I'm getting a little sick of this

Wow, this sucks, lawl. I mean, I guess I had it much too easy in my last job. This one is definitely a lot more work and a lot more stressful. I haven't had this feeling for a couple of months, I guess, but like, I'm not even PMSing right now, and I feel it. I feel the reluctance and I feel the stress and the physical pain associated with it. Well, all we can do is push through? I'm sure there are worse job situations out there.

[mayheminfive]

Reading emails from your ex

Not sure why I enjoy doing that at all, but I do it anyway.

This particular ex was T, who wasn't official, but you know, I'll consider anyone I had maintained a prolonged romantic relationship with as an ex, I suppose.

I randomly remembered the last email he had sent me, apologizing. He cared about me a lot, but wasn't upfront about not wanting a relationship. He was sorry about being MIA, he was sorry for not contacting me more often. He was sorry about many things.

I met up with him one last time after that, and I remember that he came over, we lied together on my bed, holding each other, talking, me crying. I can't remember exactly if we decided to keep going, but from my response to his email, we did for another few weeks. Then it was all over.

Not sure why I decided to go back and read that email, but I did. I think maybe deep down I never got that closure. It just kinda faded away. Even if I love and married someone else now.

I wonder if it has to do with that webtoon I'm reading. They met up again after 18 years. One was trying her best to put their past behind her, the other trying hard to hold on. It's not over yet, but I imagine that they'll end up together.

Anyway, reading that email again made me cry. Maybe all of those unresolved emotions just came up again. To this day, I still feel like, maybe I forced him into all of it, he just succumbed to me because I was aggressive. Not sure why but I just wanted to write this down.

[mayheminfive]

April 19, 2020

It almost feels like I may never need this again, because this was mainly used for venting and dark thoughts. Ever since I met the love of my life, and then ended the crazy shit by quitting the previous job, it seems like I haven’t had many dark moments. But anyway, I enjoy writing here sometimes so I think I’ll still keep it. Most of my dark thoughts now are about work and my annoying manager. He can go die. Lawl.

[mayheminfive]

Vol. 2 of ridiculous words

“What did I ever do to you? Why are you treating me this way?”

I’m not sure what exactly she meant by that, but really, if I had a bad attitude, it’s all because she was letting a bunch of bullshirt (lawl) escape her mouth.

I guess I am obsessing over it right now. But how can I not? It’s just the most ridiculous series of words that I have ever heard come out of someone’s mouth. Anyway, no matter what she says, I’m not taking her back. I’m not gonna go back to the emotional abuse she puts me through every single day.

[mayheminfive]

It has come up for the 12th time

So this time I decided to agree to it and just let it all end. I’ve definitely had enough of that shit. I’m not sure what makes her think it’s okay to keep doing this to me. The nerve on that girl. She even asked me what she did to deserve this. Funny. She was the one that asked for it. I merely agreed to it. And then to tell me that I’m the one that should quit instead of her? Well, stop making stupid decisions when you’re in the heat of the moment, dumbass. Stop saying shit that you’ll end up regretting. I really hope that she thinks it through and realizes that she fucked everything up, and not me. And really, even if she cools down and becomes a little more reasonable, I still don’t feel like I want it anymore. I’m done with that drama. I need to let it end. I’ve let it go on for so fucking long, I definitely think it’s time.

It’s kind of pathetic, the shit she ended up saying to me yesterday.

“Well I talked to him about it. Did you think I was all talk, that I wouldn’t actually do it?” As in, “ah ha, I won” type shit, where in reality she’s the one that’s losing everything. To which I answer with, no, I didn’t think it was all talk, I was expecting and hoping that you’ll actually quit because it’ll definitely make my life a lot easier.

“I was trying to have a genuine conversation with you and you wouldn’t listen.” As in, I regret it now, and I want to take back everything I said, but you wouldn’t let me. Yup, cuz you cray and I’m not allowing you to do this to me anymore.

“Okay, that’s enough. I’ve felt shitty enough about this for the entire day. I got the full experience. I told you that I needed to feel how much it hurts in order to really know how bad it is. I’ve told you this before, I’ve told you this.” As in she regrets having had the entire conversation and wanted to turn things around (or at least that’s how I interpret it). As if having told me before that I’m gonna punch you hard one day can justify the act of punching someone at all. To which I answer with a grand fuck you, fuck this, no more of this shit. You can go and regret as much as you want and you’re not getting anymore of me. 

“Why does it sound like you’re the one who wants it more now?” Well, maybe because I do want it more now. As in, no, I’m not gonna allow you to destroy my mood everyday because you happened to have a bad morning and want to drag everyone down with you. So yes, I want all of this shit to end.

So anyway, I think that’s all I’ll record about it for now. I really don’t want my own thoughts to turn toxic against her. I just wanted to document all these things to remind myself how ridiculous she is and always has been, and whatever she has said to me has been uncalled for, unreasonable, and I cannot go back to it ever again. I will not allow myself to endure this, and if I give in, then fuck me, I fucking deserve that shit.

Anyway, we are definitely incompatible and I think it’s great that this has come to an end. Good bye, little girl, see you when you grow up.

[mayheminfive]

To end things

I was doing some spring cleaning with my whatsapp messages yesterday (as if there is even a need to do so) and I went back to read the exchange between A and me. I found our "break up text" and it left me feeling shitty. Not super shitty, but shitty enough to not ever want to look at it again. So I deleted it. It was dated November 3, 2012. I specifically remember it was after having Cozi burgers. I remember walking home afterwards and feeling shitty. He apologized to me about our relationship during the meal. I wasn't sure what "remiss" meant. Anyway, It's been four years and of course I still remember...My text was in reference to the comment he made about how he was going to church for the mass orgy. “Are we still in a relationship? Because if not then I’m gonna go join my own bible study group.” Lawl, how typical of me to be inserting a joke into a thing that’s supposed to serious.Why did I let him be the one to decide whether to stay or whether to go? Anyway, I’m glad I said it, because that was the official end to our relationship. The one that I regret the most.

Then after I deleted our exchange, I really wanted to yell at him. For keeping me hanging around on a string. For having the nerve to come back for seconds. For me agreeing to it. It’s all very dumb and I’m angry at it now. Well, not angry enough to even get riled up, but acknowledging that I’m somewhat upset by it.

Anyway, fuck it. It ended.

[mayheminfive]

To be pushed

Maybe I just don't like being told what to do. But I need to be told what to do because I have no idea what to do. The dilemma I am in. Not sure why he's trying so hard to make me do that shit. Like honestly, I don't fucking want to do it, so don't make me. I think the act of sitting my father down and talking to him repulses me. Maybe that's why I've only been able to do it jokingly or via text. I dunno, who says I won't regret it later on in the future, but that'll be my own shit to handle, wouldn't it? And in all honesty, I feel like I could use a little break from him for a while. He's kind of a handful. What is up with all these difficult people in my life? Did I attract that shit? I guess so. Like somehow I needed that shit, and that's why they keep coming back to haunt me. Maybe he won't try to talk to me for a while because he can't stand how indecisive I am. But really, that was just a test. I didn't actually want to go over to hang out with him today. Maybe I need to stop.

[mayheminfive]

I think I used to be a little more reflective than I am now. I’d analyze why I did certain things and why I felt certain ways. Now I don’t. Now I try to figure out what the other person is thinking, which usually turns out to be a complete waste of time. Cuz really, how would you ever know what the other person is thinking if they don’t tell you? I feel like a lot of times they don’t even really know how they feel or why they feel what they feel. They can’t even explain themselves.

So, I realize that I’m yet again obsessing over this. I don’t want to be, but I am, so I’ll let myself this for at least this week. I’ll try not to get crazy about it before I talk to Kaku. I really do need that support from her. I also really need her opinion on it, even though I really doubt that she’d be able to help much in terms of the other person.

So I think I made some good points when I talked to the friends yesterday. The fact that neither of us really wants to change. So if that were the case, then the same shit would just keep coming up, and it was only going to be one time bomb going off after another until we both decide that we’ve been hurt one too many times for it to work out. So yes, I think that it’s safe to say that this is the best decision for us. I guess the main thing I’m obsessing over is that I have no idea what happened. I don’t necessarily feel blind sided, but I’m just plain confused. I can’t and don’t think I’ll ever be able to understand what the fuck is going on in her head, and it’s something I’ll have to try and forget. I’m pretty sure that once we both leave this place, those memories will be erased. She will become nonexistent to me, and vice versa, and I think it’ll be great for our futures.

Honestly don’t even feel like this is a great loss to me. I was hit a lot harder when it came to Mel. Also knowing that she probably would’ve gotten along fine without me was enough to tip me over the edge. But Helen? Well, she’s too much trouble for anyone’s good, so I hope that she encounters more problems in the future to allow her to grow the fuck up and stop being so self centered. Nobody has to give a shit about you or your feelings, so don’t expect them to.

Okay, really need to get to bed since I really want to get up in the morning to workout.

[mayheminfive]

To burn all the bridges

I wonder why she feels like it's a good idea to do so. I mean, sure, perhaps it's also not a good idea to keep someone around that you are completely disgusted with and can no longer stand to be around. But isn't it kind of weird that she chooses to do it when we are still and must still work together as a team? The fact that she won't even cooperate when it comes to work stuff, like, how low can you go? This is your fucking job, so do it. I wonder if it ever did her any good to be like this. Had she never needed the help of people around her that she chose to push away? I guess not. Otherwise she wouldn't have done this. This relationship just pains her too much. No wonder she's never had a boyfriend. Nobody could ever live up to her standards. Everyone is always intentionally doing things to hurt her, and there is no way to amend things once it has been done. I wonder if she was expecting me to beg her forgiveness or some shit. Like, nope, I ain't doing that shit, cuz I don't even know what the fuck I did wrong. And why the fuck would she think that I'd want to stick around if she already "gave up"? I feel like I probably already gave up a long time ago, even before she did. Before I even went to spend the night at her place that one time. I dunno. None of this really matters anymore. I guess she only allows very good friends in her life and no one is allowed to be her acquaintance. The thing is, I would also like to have nothing to do with her at this point, so this is for the best.

[mayheminfive]

Please listen to it, the begging of your body, it wants me closer.

Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson (via tylerknott)