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I have found a paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love

Mother Teresa

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TREDFOR INTERVIEW NARRATIVE

I interviewed my God Parents, they have been married for almost 30 years. The questions are as follows:

Ice Breaker: Sinong Mas? Example: Sinong mas malambing?

Describe your partner in 1 word. Why?

Share your love story.

How did you realize you were ready for marriage? How did you know your partner was the one?

What are the things to take note before getting married?

Difference between being in a relationship and marriage.

How do you make decisions? 

What’s God’s role in your marriage?

What are the blessings of married life?

What are the challenges in your married life and how do you cope up with them?

What is love for you?

One word to describe marriage and why?

What is your advice to those who are in a relationship but plans to get married?

Sing a line of a song you would want to sing to your partner.

To know their answers, please watch the video.

PS: Sir, if you have time please watch the vid because most of what they said are super similar to what you actually taught us. Also it was very fun and informative to watch!!

Proof of Marriage

Proof of Interview

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TREDFOR INTERVIEW REFLECTION

A few years back an unfamiliar face welcomed me in our house, when I asked my mom who she was she just told me to ask my dad. I felt that there was something off about the situation but I just brushed it off since I was with my friend that time. Then just four years ago during our family reunion the same face suddenly went inside my cousin’s gate. That day I discovered that I have a half sister. That moment was heartbreaking for me, I didn’t know my parents suffered such issue. Growing up I was exposed to all sorts of infidelity issues. My siblings have had their own share of failed relationships and what’s bothersome about it is the fact that most of their failed relationships bore a child that is deeply traumatized. 

What’s funny is that I didn’t even realize how traumatized I was while seeing my family go through those experiences. I didn’t realize how much the situation affected me until this course (TREDFOR) and my interview with them. I didn’t notice how cautious I became when it comes to relationships. Most of the time I would unconsciously block off other people when they try to get close to me because I think they would just take me for granted. I also have developed trust issues. It would take me a long time before I fully trust a person. During school works I always find myself doing most of the work because I feel like they wont do their part well. It also made me reject opportunities because I was too scared to fail and be left with a lot of responsibilities. This situation also made our family look miserable to our relatives. My father would often tell me I have to be better than my siblings and that I have to be successful. His words made me prefer doing things on my own to make it seem like I have my life all figured out but most of the time I honestly need other people’s help. I feel that the pressure to find someone super great that I can be with for the rest of my life is eating me to the point that there are times when I would think to myself that it is okay not to get married.

It was a humbling experience to be able to interview these people. I have always looked up to their relationship since I was young because in our family they were taught to be the ideal couple or the role models, etc. With this interview I got to know them better and I saw a side of them that most of my relatives seem to overlook. Despite this perfect facade they seem to portray they also had problems that they managed to keep and solve their problems on their own. With this I realized that I should not look for the perfect relationship and instead look for someone I can be with in conquering all the obstacles in my future. My god mother found someone who is willing to help her grow and I think I could to if I learn to open up to people. If I continue on blocking off everyone who tries to get close to me, I might end up missing out on opportunities. I have to constantly tell myself that not everyone will take me for granted. I also have to try to enjoy life and not think that I will end up having a failed marriage too. I should also learn to let loose and take calculated risks, if I happen to end up experiencing a failed relationship, it’s okay because I still learned and it can actually help me become a better partner for my future relationships. I also realized that the greatest secret to their marriage is authentic love. Their love for each other surpassed all the challenges and obstacles that’s why their marriage is successful, in the future if I get married I will make sure that my love for the person has no conditions and my love for him is empowering, so that we could both grow.

After discovering that my behavior might be rooted from these instances, I now know which areas I should improve on. I honestly feel like I’m far from being like them but I can slowly become better if I stop holding myself back from realizing my full potential. Maybe in the process of knowing myself even more, I can find someone who is willing to help me overcome this conflict and become a better version of myself. Seeing their fun and quirky behavior towards each other made me look forward to getting married. Not all relationships are similar to what my parents and siblings encountered, if I continue to let these instances overshadow me for the rest of my life, I would always feel a void in my heart. Marriage might be a tough and scary journey but if I am actually with the right person then the process will be a lot easier.

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TREDFOR PRE-CANA SEMINAR NARRATIVE

We attended a Pre-Cana Seminar at Our Lady of the Abandoned Church in Marikina. The facilitator of the seminar is Ms. Aina Caparas who is a member of the organization ‘Couples of Christ’. She has been married for 16 years and a marriage consultant for the past few years. Before she started the talk she compared the seminar to driving lessons. She said that future drivers go to driving lessons for months so that they are equipped with the knowledge they need in driving and it is similar to the pre-cana seminar because marriage is a lifelong commitment and this seminar is necessary to prepare couples for their married life. She reiterated that the seminar should have lasted for more than one day since there are a lot of things to learn in marriage but she had to cramp everything into a one-day session.

There were about 10 couples in the room, some of them have been in a relationship for only 2 years and some have been married civilly for a long time. Most of the couples in the room who have just been in a relationship for less than 3 years are usually the ‘clingy’ ones while those who have been together for more than 7 years would be less expressive. The first half of the seminar was divided into 3 modules namely, the Introduction, the Christian Couple and Communication in Marriage.

For the introductory module, the facilitator started out by explaining the seven sacraments namely, Baptism, Holy Eucharist, Confirmation, Reconciliation, Anointing of the Sick, Marriage and Holy Orders. After explaining each, she placed an emphasis on the sacrament of the Holy Matrimony or Marriage. Since one of the purpose of marriage is procreation, a couple who enters marriage is bound to form their own family and if the couple will not do it well then it might cause a ripple effect to the society. If there is no seminar it is either you copy what your parents taught you or you create your own way. This can be risky because you have the ability to destroy a person’s life if you don’t do well. She also mentioned that it is a permanent union between two people. In this type of vocation, one has to remember that it is God’s plan for us to have our own companion. Having a permanent union means persevering even when you are burdened and if burdened you can talk to God and He will try to lighten the pain. In marriage you also have to find ways you can use your relationship to help other people. The meanings of each of the marriage symbol was also discussed:

White Gown- virginity, purity for your intention for each other

Holding Hands- pledge of being united

Ring- Fidelity and love, Circle because it has no end.

Veil- Union and oneness, it is placed on the head of the husband because there should only be one head of the family.

Chord- Strength and unity

Candle- Light of Christ

Coins- Pledge dedication of welfare

Confetti- Fertility and prosperity

She also stressed the fact that marriage is indissoluble, you offer your full self to the person. It is a lifetime commitment, as long as you are alive you are married. Lastly it should be fruitful, this does not only mean that you give birth to a lot of kids but this is how you use your marriage in helping other people.

For the second module which is the Christian Couple, she started out by discussing that we are brothers and sisters and we are all equally loved by God. In marriage as well there should be mutual deference, both of the partners should submit to one another out of the reverence of God. They should both show love and respect for each other. They should be able to draw the line between supporting their spouse and simply being a ‘sunod-sunuran.’ The example of mutual deference that she gave was when you are able to wholeheartedly choose taking care of your sick partner over going a party you and your friends planned for a long time. She talked about our God-given roles. Basically the husband is considered as the provider, protector and his basic responsibility is to work while wives are the heart, companion, support, source of blessing and considered the emotional one. She also said that the sexual act is considered as a holy act to the point that you will even say “oh my God” when you reach the climax. This extreme pleasure only comes from the divine and you are at your most vulnerable state during this act. Lastly for this module, she discussed the staged of marriage:

Honeymoon- Where you feel elated most of the time

Disillusionment: Where you start to see the character flaws and bad habits of your partner. “Maling akala” Where you also get disappointed from expecting your partner to be someone he or she is not.

Period of Misery: “Mali pala tong pinasok ko”, “Isosoli ko nalang siya sa mom niya”

Period of Adjustment: Where you try to share about your concerns, talk about your problems and make up for your shortcomings.

Mature/Realistic Love: Love is not just a feeling, it is a conscious effort and decision. This stage is where you are able to adjust to challenges.

For the third module, she stressed the importance of communication in marriage. She said that marriage is about learning to talk things through. Communicating with each other with the intention of being understood by the other not about winning arguments. In communicating there should be a speaker, a listener and a message, and it should be done in the right environment. She said that the speaker’s intention was to be understood while the listener’s role is to understand and know that it is not about him/her but about the feelings of his/her partner, the listener should also repeat what they hear to make the partner know that he/she is listening or understanding the message. The environment should be in a private room away from the kids. After discussing this she had an activity where she taught the proper way to listen to their spouse. In the activity she was the speaker and each of the participants were the listeners here is a sample conversation:

Speaker: “Nasaktan ako na nung tumingin ka sa ibang babae”

Listener: “Nasaktan ka nung tumingin ako sa ibang babae”

To keep an open, honest and sincere relationship, it is important to understand the insecurities of the partner. It is also important to be able to empathize and to listen what is said both verbally and non-verbally. In arguing she stressed that couples should know when to pause. She even made an acronym for it:

Pause when you are:

H-ungry

A- angry

L- ow Battery (Pagod/Exhausted)

T- ime Constrained

In pausing in an argument, both should agree that there is still love, agree on when to continue and agree that it is simply pausing and not stopping. She also stated the obstacles in communicating properly, first is not making an effort, second is talking but not listening(hindi pa nga tapos yung nagsasalita may rebuttal ka na), and the third is differences between men and women. Lastly she discussed the difference between dialogue and discussion. Discussion is about ideas and using the mind over the heart while dialogue is more of emotions or feelings. When the conversation is too emotional or heated, the couple needs to switch back to discussion. Dialogue is a prerequisite to discussion.

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Click here to see the proof or the GIF/Video clip is not working

TREDFOR PRE-CANA SEMINAR REFLECTION

I enjoyed watching Jason Magbanua’s wedding videos when I was young. I thought that marriage was fun and the only thing draining was the wedding ceremony/ party preparations but with this seminar, I realized that marriage was more than the wedding ceremony. I realized that it goes beyond just the pretty wedding dress and the perfect photos.

I realized that there were a lot of things I should still improve on before I can actually consider myself ready for the married life. In the seminar, the speaker said that when we get married we have to be a good role model to our children. I still feel that I am lacking in a lot of aspects. Basing my maturity level on Eriksonian’s framework, I am still stuck on the adolescence stage even though I am 21 already. I find it hard to make decisions all by myself and I would often seek other people's opinion first because I don't think I can handle the blame once my decision fails. Just choosing my outfit for the day would take up a huge chunk of my time. My immaturity towards responsibilities is also true for cases in which I have already come up with the decision. For instance I decided to stay longer at home because I was too lazy to get up, when I get to class or face my friends I would often blame the public transportation system even if it was clearly my fault why it happened. I feel like the reason why I find it hard to commit to my decisions is because I am too afraid of the consequences I'll be facing for choosing a decision or for not choosing a specific option. If I am like this in simpler decisions, I don’t know what I would do if I have to make bigger decisions like for instance decisions involving my child's life. In marriage it was also discussed that you also have to compromise and think not only of yourself but also of your spouse and children. With this I realized that I am still too selfish and competitive for marriage. I always want things to go my way and I would often go the extra mile to prove that I am actually right or my arguments are better. Also there are times when I would only do things if it would be beneficial to me. The speaker also reiterated the fact that marriage is a lifetime commitment. Right now, I am still at a point where I would abandon things or situations just because I am hurt or I am having a hard time without actually pushing myself first. It was also discussed that in marriage you should allow your partner to grow. I realized that I am also faulty in this aspect since I would often find myself being possessive towards the things or the people I love.

This seminar taught me that I have to resolve my issues first and learn to take responsibility of my actions. It may be tough at first but to be able to handle marriage in the future I have to mature. In the future I should not only think of myself but I also have to think of my partner and my child. I also have to remind myself that not everything will go my way and I have to learn to compromise. Before I get married I have to learn how to fully commit without thinking of the benefits I can potentially receive. Lastly, I have to offer a love that will make my spouse grow and be inspired to become better version of himself. My view on marriage before was very shallow and this seminar made me realize that marriage is defenitely not a joke. Love in marriage should make me go out of my comfort zone and make me do things I am not used to doing. I realized that it is more than just feelings of elation or getting butterflies in my stomach, I should be able to learn how to make sacrifices for the one I love and I should be able to handle all the pains and difficulty that comes with it. Being a stubborn person, I know it would be tough for me to try to change my attitude for the better. With this seminar I realized that the process would be much easier if I am doing it for the person I truly love because it would come in naturally.

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TREDFOR SYNTHESIS

TREDFOR C44 Professor: Sir Mark Ian Reyes Time: 12:45-2:15

This Tredfor class has taught me a lot of things about myself, making myself ready for marriage and married life. Our session started out with our professor’s synthesis of our past TRED classes.

Faith and Morality, and the Kingdom of God.

Our professor asked us what it truly means to be a Christian or what makes us Christians, distinct from other religions. As discussed in our class, Christians are those who believe and follow The Annointed One who is Jesus Christ. We are taught that God is the source of all the good in the world. We become true Christians or true Followers of Christ when we are able to live our lives the way Jesus lived his. By following His teachings we become His disciples. Discipleship is not simple about following the rules or the laws, we should not be blind followers because we become more like Jesus if we live a life full of mercy and compassion. Nowadays living a life like Jesus is difficult but achievable. This way of life means you have to love everyone regardless of their faults, imperfections and mistakes. The church is actually a community of disciples, we go mass to seek God’s help and we are all trying to be the best disciples we can be. The main point of this part of the lesson is that we should always put God at the center of our lives and by doing so, the process of loving other people and becoming a disciple becomes easier.

Christian Marital Commitment

The number one task of Christians is to love and this can be manifested in one of the holy sacraments which is marriage. Marriage is a commitment that should be based on our faith in Jesus. We should choose to get married because this is what God wants us to do. Marriage is a total and faithful commitment. We should love our partner the way Christ loves us. You also give your all to the marriage and remain faithful to your partner for the rest of your life. Marriage is an accepting commitment. You need to remind yourseld that this is a commitment that regards the other as a person with equal diignity and responsibility meaning both of you should take part in making the relationship work. Marriage is an exclusive commitment. An example of this is when your favorite chicken is Mcdonald’s, you are loyal when you try other chicken but at the end of the day you come back to Mcdo, you are faithful when you don’t try anything else. It is an exclusive commitment so you should be faithful to your partner despite all the temptations. You should love your partner without reservations. Lastly it is a continuing commitment. It is not made once and for all but it is on-going and renewed continuously. Marriage does not have a warranty that enables you to return it or exchange it when it does not meet your expectations. When you decide to marry someone, you have to take full responsibility of your decision and stay true to it for your whole lifetime. The main lesson for in here is that we are all called to love one another, a way of fully manifesting our unconditional love to someone is by fully committing ourselves in Marriage.

Necessity of Marriage Preparation

Since Marriage is a lifetime commitment, preparation for it becomes truly a necessity. When you talk about marriage it is not just about having someone by your side but it is also about the fruits you will bear while in the relationship. A person’s attitude or characteristic is first shaped at home and if you do not prepare for this part of the married life then you might potentially affect your child’s behaviour. In marriage preparation you also learn more about yourself. You get to realize if you are really ready for this kind of vocation and you get to understand the importance of knowing yourself first before you can actually offer your life to your future family. Basically the main lesson in this part is that you are planning not because you want a perfect marriage but because you want to prepare yourself for the person you are marrying.

Authentic Love

This is the kind of love that is not conditional. Not conditional in a way that even if you are hurting, you still pursue it. Authentic love between couples is a love that helps each other grow. In offering this type of love you should be able to make your partner feel empowered not dependent. Your love for another person must make him/her stronger and better.

Maturity for Love

As we are growing we are slowly becoming better. A way of assessing a person’s maturity is through Eriksonian’s Framework. In his framework he stated the challenges that we encounter during each stage of our lives. Upon conquering the challenge for each stage we become more mature. As humans we are bound to evolve and improve. The problem lies when we refuse to be liable for the consequences of our actions or we refuse our responsibilities. The first step to knowing if we are mature enough is being able to take full responsibility of our actions. The second is if we think more of what we can give or offer to the relationship more than the thought of what we will be receiving. Third is by being able to identify our insecurities and being able to overcome them. Fourth, as human beings we are given the power to go beyond our instincts, and we become mature if we are able to control our sexual urges. Fifth is our ability to control our anger by channelling it into more productive activities. Sixth is by being able to see things without prejudice. Seventh is by being open and adaptable to changes.

Value Clarification

This part of the lesson basically helps us understand that we have a purpose in life. To know our purpose in life we have to clarify and set our priorities straight. If we have a clear direction in life, it will be easier for us to know what is worth it and what is not. As Christians, we should know that our ultimate goal is live our lives like Jesus. Jesus’ life is full of love and compassion and to be like him we must offer a love that is authentic. To be able to love someone authentically we must first figure out or understand oneself first.

Sensuality, Sexuality and Spirituality.

Sensuality is knowing the world using our five senses. Every person in the world has the desire and need to “marry God.” People in the world are slowly becoming more open-minded and the idea of sex before marriage is becoming less of a taboo but more of a trend. Despite this Phenomena we as Christians should still take note that even though the organs that we have in our body is made to bring us pleasure, the type of pleasure that we could get from sex should be shared with someone you truly love. As humans, our biggest edge against animals is our ability to go beyond our instincts. Going beyond our instincts means being able to actually control yourself from expressing our sexual drive. We have to understand that this act is a mystical experience blessed to us for the purpose of procreation and we should be able to save ourselves for our spouse.

Conclusion

Basically TREDFOR tells us that Marriage should not be taken lightly. It is a holy sacrament that we are called for so that is why we should be prepare for it. Our readiness may be measured in different ways, however we should take note that despite preparing for marriage we are still bound to make mistakes. We have to make sure however that despite the obstacles, we should still love our partner. There is no perfect marriage but as long as our love and commitment to the relationship is strong and we put God at the center of our marriage then it would definitely be successful.