mcwillytime-blog

[mcwillytime-blog]

The Definitive Guide to Cliche Halloween Costumes to Avoid in 2017!

As always, I have performed hours upon hours of extensive market research, scientific study and perusing of jagoff Twitter accounts to uncover the most over-worn, unoriginal, cliche and stupid costumes you will see at every party. Everyone thinks they're going to wow the crowd with their hilarious and clever take on pop culture...THEY WILL BE WRONG. But some idiot will still win your costume party with one of these. 

These are in no particular order. They all suck, and if it’s too late for you and you’ve already spent time and money traipsing down Dickhead Alley (right next to Diagon Alley in Hogsmeade!) on a cliche piece of dump, just kill yourself now and allow someone to use your corpse as a prop in their own, less-douchey costume. 

Now, without further ado...

ANYTHING TRUMP

Hey puddin’, I know you hate Trump. Everyone hates Trump. Your #RESIST costume isn’t swaying any GOPers anymore than your stupid $15 bumper sticker, and the statement you’re making is that you’re a member of the herd who can’t think for shimself, but wants to feel morally superior nonetheless. 

The only possible costume that could be original or funny that’s even remotely Trump related would be to go as the "Trump Stump,” which is a pro-Trump supporter with no legs and a tramp-stamp tattoo on his/her lower back. But you won’t see that, because I’m the only genius to think of it, and I’m not touting that costume this year. 

What you will see:

“Putin/Trump” couples costume - this will be everywhere, as people try to make a political point about collusion between Trump and Russia, and it will fail miserably, because nothing ruins a fun party like politics. 

“Pussy Grabber Trump” complete with inflatable blowup sex doll...for pussy grabbing. 

“Fake News” costumes with people walking around in cardboard boxes made to look like TVs yelling “Trump is an asshole!” to the joy and cackling laughter of people who like to laugh at things they agree with, even though they aren’t funny. 

(You’re FAKE NEWS, you stupid fucking cat!)

“Incest Trump” - I don’t need to go into this, but couples will definitely go as Ivanka and The Donald, and they will make out. 

“Trump-It” will also make an appearance, as people try to shoehorn in Trump with every possible pop culture reference. So yes, someone will appear as the IT clown, but in a suit, and they will say “this is MUCH scarier than the IT in the movie, because it’s REAL LIFE, MAN!” 

However, that won’t be the #1 Trump-related couples/bro-ples costume, which will definitely be...

“Trump Jong Un” - I promise you, Dear Reader, that every one of your goddamn idiot couple friends will have the same hilarious idea to dress as Donald Trump for the man and a sexy or ironically gender swapped Kim Jong Un as the lady. Never mind the cultural appropriation and yellowface! We’ll show those goddamn North Koreans.

Kim Jong Un

You’ll see this costume more than any other, and really the only entertainment value in it will be to see who throws caution to the wind with a fantastically offensive North Korean accent. Feed some straight shots to that person, then lure them into earshot of the most sensitive social justice warriors you know. Bonus points if they’re authentically Asian and not just pretending. 

You’ll also see...

“Team America.” Bank on it. It’s the group costume that 2017 cliches demand. 

How to pull this costume off: Little Rocket Man

If you’re of the Asian persuasion, don a Kim Jong Un hairstyle and glasses, but dress like Elton John and carry around a baby nuke with you. Then sing “Rocket Man” in a heavy North Korean accent. It’s can’t-miss baby. 

Tom Petty 

The Tomster has gone “Into the Great Wide Open” and, despite the song, did indeed “back down” ...about 6 feet into the grave. 

Seeing as this happened so shortly before Halloween, any number of white people (who are always passionate about adopting “too soon” costumes) will jump to be the first to make Tom roll over in his grave. 

What you’ll see: 

“Last Dance with Mary Jane” with Dead Tom, his rotting corpse of a Kim Basinger wife, and probably some sort of hack-ass reference to weed. 

It took Jesus three days to come back from the dead, but it will take Tom Petty roughly until Halloween to accomplish the same feat. 

Zombie Hugh Hefner

As obvious as a giant pair of fake tits sitting on a bony ribcage, the Zombie Hugh Hefner will be a very popular garb this year. 

Pair the outfit with a blow up doll for solo action (or a skeleton with fun bags taped to it), or as a couples costume with a sexily clad zombie playmate. What do you get?  A cliche that can fold out into a centerfold worthy of being shoved between the mattresses of 12 year old boys everywhere. ...Or kept in a tree fort in the woods. Dealer’s choice. 

Frederica Wilson

Everyone’s favorite rodeo clown/member of Congress may step up to rival the most over-worn costume of 2017. The combination of ridiculousness that exudes from her naturally, combined with the ease of finding ridiculous cowboy hats makes it too good to pass up for the average citizen. The only way I could see this being a great costume is if some enterprising group of women teamed up to create...

FREDERICA WILSON PHILLIPS

YESSSSS. You know you want to do it. Call your friends, kidnap a neighbor, drug a local child, whatever it takes...Frederica Wilson Phillips is the group costume that MUST HAPPEN. 

I know there's pain Why do you lock yourself up in these chains? No one can change your life except for you Don't ever let anyone step all over you Just open your heart and your mind Is it really fair to feel this way inside?Some day somebody's gonna make you want to Turn around and say goodbye Until then baby are you going to let them Hold you down and make you cry Don't you know? Don't you know things can change Things'll go your way If you hold on for one more day Can you hold on for one more day Things'll go your way Hold on for one more day

Hold on for one more Halloween, kiddies. 

[mcwillytime-blog]

The 5 Worst Times for Your Stigmata to Appear

The 5 Worst Times for Your Stigmata to Appear Stigmata: one minute you're happily enjoying a family evening full of Parcheesi and pizza, and the next, your hands and feet have holes spilling blood everywhere, just as Jesus of Nazereth did when he was nailed to the crucifix. No matter how religious you may be, it's soooo inconvenient. But remember, everyone out there - it can always be worse. That's why I've polled all the Stigmatics I know and compiled this list of the Top 5 Absolute WORST Times for Your Stigmata to Appear. You may be bleeding from your palms, but at least you aren't these guys! 5. Hand Squeezing Lemonade (15 votes)The local kids on the block want to have a lemonade stand - adorable! And what better way to help out the kids and community but by pitching in to lend a hand? However, when your stigmata start acting up, not only are you going to be squeezing pink lemonade but also, ouch! Watch out for that citric acid - and I thought lemon juice made my canker soreburn! 4. Getting Your Palm Read (18 votes)I don't know about the rest of you, but sometimes life is a little too much to handle, and free will? Forget about it! I just need someone to tell me it's all out of my own control. What better way to let fate decide than to visit a fortune teller for a palm reading? The only thing is...stigmata. Your love line is going to be pretty short when she hits that hole in your hand. Your future? Embarrassment. 3. Giving a Standing Ovation (42 votes)I didn't realize how many occasions or performances warranted standing ovations, but apparently they happen all the time and many stigmatics love to participate. That's what makes it all the more inconvenient and awkward when, right in the middle of applauding, blood starts flying off of your hands with every clap and onto the black-tie-attired folks around you. Good luck being invited back to that theater - they won't even welcome you back for "Jesus Christ, Superstar," ironically enough. 2. Having a Picnic (51 votes)Spring is around the corner, and what better way to welcome the warm weather and the passing of another winter than a picnic? But, uh-oh - your freshly oozing wounds don't mix well with grass allergies and, most of all, ants! Looks like no bare feet in the flowers for you this April. 1. Playing Peek-a-Boo (658 votes)The absolute, number-1 worst time to have your stigmata appear has to be while playing peek-a-boo with a baby. Right in the middle of a wonderful, innocent game, not only do you turn into a hideous, blood-stained creature that's sure to haunt the memories of the small child you were previously entertaining, but also what good is playing peek-a-boo with holes in your hands? You can see right through them even when your'e hiding! If that baby isn't traumatized, it certainly will be bored. And bored babies aren't happy babies. Hopefully this list makes you feel at least a little better the next time the holes in your hands and feet decide to pay a little visit. Other runners up on the list:- Making a PBJ sandwich (7)- Playing Handball (4)- Right after someone shoots/stabs you in the hand or foot, as now it looks like they didn't do anything (4)- Swimming in shark infested waters (2) 

[mcwillytime-blog]

Sesame Stories pt 1: Pre Show

Sesame Stories: The Pre-Show

Here I shall begin a new ongoing series called "Sesame Stories," based upon my, and select other people's stories of triumph, woe and tragic mistakes whilst working at

"Sesame Place."

If you didn't grow up on the eastern seaboard, you probably don't know about Sesame Place, which is a real, actual, popular Anheiser-Busch-owned theme park based around PBS's "Sesame Street." Is it appropriate to have a beer brewer run a kids park? Yes, but it's INappropriate for it not to serve beer, because after hearing "

Fuzzy and Blue

" played on the loudspeaker 50 times in one day, you WILL want to murder your children, and potentially several of those around you belonging to others. I shall tell these stories here, in random fashion. Some are so funny that you will actually die laughing. Others are simply entertaining.

All of your favorite characters are in residence at Sesame Place: Elmo, Grover, Oscar and of course, Big Bird. Have I personally spent time walking in the Big Bird costume? Yes, I goddamn have and it's a hell of a story. One that you'll have to wait to hear.

Anyway, I worked at Sesame Place for nigh on 3 years, from my 17th-19th birthdays. The place was a shit show, run by a man who I won't mention by name, but simply by his mannerisms, which mimicked EXACTLY, Bill Lumberg of "Office Space." So closely in fact, that I'll call him "Bill" in the context of these writings. Bill literally spoke in the same passive aggressive format, years before the film came out ("O-Space" debuted in 1999, my tenure at SP was from '96-'99). Oh, also, Bill graduated from CLOWN COLLEGE. FACT. I challenge you to meet one person that graduated from Clown College that provides anything of worth to this world. Even farmers refuse to utilize their filthy clown feces to fertilize crops, which either turn out to be comedically over-sized or comedically undersized, and can only be used at a county fair. JUST LIKE FUCKING CLOWNS.

Now, below is an occurrence between Bill and I that happened back stage at the "Spooky Kooky Castle Magic Show," of which I was one of the "stars." (More info about the show in a later post). The Spooky had a TERRIBLE pre-show, wherein one of the two stars of the show would go out on stage ahead of time and pretend to be a mind reader, like the amazing Karnak from Carson. This was supposed to get people in the mood for the show, but just ended up being terribly lame, due to amazingly bad writing wrapped around horrible puns that were too old for the 5 year olds in attendance to understand, and two young/stupid for the adults.

Over the course of the summer season, we had a pretty standard operating procedure at the Spooky: Begin the season doing everything by the book, then slowly but surely abandon almost every single thing that was written in lieu of improvised lines. The worst of the worst was the pre-show, so that got the ax the fastest.

So after much arguing and feats of strength, I ended up losing the battle to decide who would have to put their dignity and precious lying around time aside to do the dreaded pre-show.  I put on my giant red robe and even more giant turban and traipsed around the outside of the theater to interact with the 14 people that had arrived early. The pre-show was supposed to be around 5 minutes long. At this point we had cut it to three minutes, and on that day, which was particularly hot, I cut it down to two. I think I said about 3 lines, talked to 2 people and called it a day. After the show, we got a knock on the back door. Who's there? Fucking Bill.

Bill:

"Hi, Brian! Hey bud, I noticed you cut the pre-show a little short today, huh?"

Brian:

"Oh, yeah I didn't feel like the crowd was that into it, and we had some trouble with one of the tricks so I wanted to get back stage to try to fix it."

Bill:

"Really? Which trick? We should have some spares, right?"

Brian:

"Um, (stalling and trying to think of a currently broken trick I could find backstage) the flag trick. The flipper thing isn't working and we can't get the right flags out."

Bill

: "OK, we'll get on fixing that for you. Now, about the pre-show. It would just be great if you could just go ahead and make sure to do the whole thing every time. I'm sure the crowd would really appreciate it."

Brian

: "Bill, I'm telling you, I've been doing it all season and it never gets laughs. We just go out there to die."

Bill

: "Yeah...well, I don't know about that. I think it's some pretty funny stuff. Maybe you just need to put a little more energy in it."

Brian

: "I'm telling you, it's just not funny. NO ONE can make this funny. The jokes are lame. Even the kids don't laugh. It's terrible and we should just stop doing it."

Bill:

"Ok..well, you have your opinion but I want you to keep doing it. Just really have a great attitude out there and people will love it. I'll check back in with you guys to make sure it's going well."

Bill leaves and my buddy Dan, who is back stage with me and the other star of the show (other than mother-fuckin' COUNT VON COUNT that is!) has this shocked/terrified look on his face. "What the hell are you looking at me like that for?" I ask. "Bill WROTE that pre-show!" Dan yells. "You didn't know that? You just told him to his face that it was garbage!"

WAAAAMP WAAAAAAAMP. Sad Trombone. Suffice to say we had to do the piece of shit for the rest of eternity, and this was the start of my antagonistic relationship with Bill.

That is but the first, and least funny, of the stories I have from this park. I wanted to start us in slow before getting to:

My walking in the Big Bird costume

My "Buddy Holly" act in the parade

When I was a Pirate

People masturbating in places they shouldn't

People leaving stage to shit

Fun with magic tricks

Vomiting muppets

Chemical burns

Leotards

Accidental Racism

Accidental Homophobia

Atomic bombs

Ugly children and my ability to make fun of them DIRECTLY to their parents faces

Stay tuned!