me-learningtobeme-blog

[me-learningtobeme-blog]

Bekah’s Candles

Hey everyone,

I have opened my own etsy store. Its called Bekah’s Candles.

I have always wanted to open my own store. When I was younger I started with beaded jewelry. I bought everything from my birthday and christmas money. Every so often my parents would chip in, but most of it came from me. I enjoyed making the earrings and everything. I loved watching something come to life.

Next came makeup. I still make my own eyeshadow because I love the way it stays on my eyes. I have never made it for anyone outside of my family because I am not licensed and I do not want to hurt anyone if something goes wrong. 

Next is my candles. It is something I can mass produce and it is something I love to do. I pour myself into each candle. I love how it makes my house smell.

If you would like to see what I have for sale, then please go to the link down below. I would love for you to take a look! If you have a request for a fragrance, Let me know and I will see if I can order it. Thanks so much!

www.etsy.com/shop/bekahscandles 

[me-learningtobeme-blog]

Spiders

Here as follows was a dream I had March 27th, 2015. A few months before I had to move from Dallas, Tx to the middle of nowhere, Pa. 

I was in this weird sort of apartment complex. It was all yellow and orange and grungy looking. I saw this really attractive man. All I could feel was the attraction but underneath the attraction was knowledge that this man was dangerous for me. He could hurt me. He would hurt me. But I didn't care. The attraction was too strong. I went with him to his apartment. It was a normal bachelor pad. It was cluttered yet clean, yet dirty, yet classy, yet scary. It was the same on the inside as it was on the outside. I was talking with this guy and his friends. His friends scared me. I stayed next to the man I was there with. We started kissing. He was touching me. A big part of me was so happy but there was a voice in me screaming, "no! This is wrong! You know this is wrong! He is going to hurt you!" I pushed that voice down. I didn't care. I wanted this. I needed this. The next thing I know, there is a banging on the door. A man was yelling, "Bekah! I know you're in here! Let me get you out!" I ignored this voice. I knew I was in love with the man attached to the voice. I knew he wouldn't judge me. That he just wanted me back. He loved me. That made me feel guilty. I wanted to forget about him. I wanted to be with this man. Then my love broke down the door right as both of us had all our clothes off and were about to have sex in front of all his friends. My love just stood there. He didn't even look at me. He kept his eyes on the man while he picked me up and threw a blanket over my nakedness. He turned and strode out the door. As we passed the kitchen, there was a spider. A massive spider. I was worried about it but I wasn't scared of it. I looked at it and I knew he would keep following me. It was a scary looking spider. It was like a tarantula but with with wings. I knew it would always be able to follow. My love took me out and we walked in my house. He had a key. He put me down. I told them about the spider and how I saw it and I knew it was going to follow me. Then they started looking for this spider. I told them that they wouldn't be able to see it but they kept looking. My love and the angels. They found a wing from the spider in my house. They study it. One of them ask me if I have ever been to the Netherlands. I told him no. I had never been there, but I knew the spider was from there. I had to keep him safe. They were going to kill him. I couldn't let them do that. I still wanted what they took me from. He knew. My love knew. He didn't look for the spider. He just watched me. He knew that he had lost me. His eyes kept telling me over and over how much he loved me. That he would be there for me. He would fight for me. All I had to do was trust him. I had the spider in my pack. I can feel the weight of him in the bag. He knew it was there. He wanted me to give it to me. I opened up the bag and I saw the spider looking up at me. It spoke in my mind, "I will have you. Even when you get rid of me, I'll be back. You won't know how to fight me. Go ahead and give me to him. You won't have what you want. He will tell you over and over about what he can do for you but I can and will show you what I am doing for you day in and day out." I stood there undecided. I looked from the spider then to my love. I didn't know what to pick. Then I woke up.

Today during church, God spoke to me. Showed me the meaning of this dream. Showed me each part as it correlated with my life. I was trying so hard to listen to what Pastor was saying. Haha, he even looked me straight in the eyes and said, give me a few more moments of your time and you won’t be sorry. Each time he said that (He said it a few times) God showed me something else with this dream just from what Pastor was saying. I will keep the meaning to myself but I am glad I understand now what it means. This dream has been swirling around in my head for a few weeks now. I guess God was getting me ready to hear the meaning. 

[me-learningtobeme-blog]

2 AM

Its 2am and I am still awake. I keep thinking about the past. Should I have done something different? Something to get him to like me? Something to make me more attractive? But then I realized that the only person I was hurting was myself. Not him. He has no idea how angry I have been at him. Or how hurt I have been. I have thought through every way a reunion with him would go. From brushing my feelings under the rug and doing what God asked of me, to being ok with it all but yet still making him work for it, to down right yell at him. Hurt him as much as he hurt me. But I realized something. I wanted to hurt him. He hurt me so bad, but why did that make me want to hurt him? If I truly loved him like God wanted me to love him, I would want him to be happy. Even if it wasn’t with me. 

I am working on forgiving him. Let me tell you, there is joy in releasing anger and hate. I am still learning to forgive. Sometimes it is a daily battle to remember to forgive him. I put myself in his shoes. I could see why he would be terrified of a thought of an arranged marriage by God. I know I was when God started talking with me about it, but then again, I always knew God would show me who I was supposed to get married to. I don’t like to move unless I know God is ok with the step. Sometimes He has me take a step of faith. Those steps both terrify me yet I know He has my back. Somehow even though the human condition called free will got in the way of God’s plans, I know my steps are ordered. I know God has a plan for me. I know His plan for me was not messed up because a guy said no to me. I deserve better. I will get better. And yet a part of me doesn't want better. I want him. Am I still learning to forgive him? Oh yes I am. Am I still hurt? You bet! But one thing I have learned is that I did not give my bank account of trust away. God kept it in safe keeping. I still have it. My name is on it (and it is even spelled correctly)! 

So, my future husband, as foolish as I sound, I wait for you. Not because of you or anything you have said or done, but because I trust God. I trust Him to do what is right for me. I trust that He will fight my battles. I am done pacing my safe house yelling, “Have you forgotten me? What is taking so long?!? When can I get out of here so my life can start?!?” I know He hasn’t forgotten me. I know He has seen every tear that has fallen on my face. He has felt every crack in my heart but even better, that He has been refining those cracks in my heart with pure gold making them the strongest parts of who I am. So while the enemy thought he won in getting my angel boy to say no, I say this... the battle is ending. I can feel it. I will have my tomato soup moment yet. So Angel boy, I may have all the right reasons to hate you and be angry with you... But I refuse to. I am done being angry. When you come, I will be here. My heart full of love open to you. I know you wont read this, and its ok. Its more for me than it is for you anyway. I just thought you should know I still love you and I am no longer angry. 

[me-learningtobeme-blog]

Mask on or Mask off?

I am sitting here trying to pinpoint when I first put on my mask. The mask that says, “I am fine. No one look deeper than who I want you to see.” 

You see, I used to be an open book. Ask me about anything and I will give you an answer. It didn’t really matter who you were, if you asked, or if I thought it would help you, I would open myself to you and tell you anything you wanted to know. Now? I am scared. I don’t let people in. Sure, I still give information about myself but not any deeper than skin deep. I don’t tell you what I am really thinking. I would even say I don’t even know what I am thinking. I don’t dig that deep because I don’t want to hurt. 

I used to smile first. I used to laugh all the time. Now, its like jumping through hoops just to get me to smile. Laugh? Its most likely not a real one. 

I miss being me. I miss being happy. I am the first one to tell people to not let someone else be in control of your emotions. You are in control of your emotions. Of your outlook. The second you rely on someone else to make you happy, you have lost control. When did I take that power from God and give it to someone else? The only time you need a mask is when you take the control of your life from God to either someone else or yourself. 

Ok, so I do know when I put the mask on. When he said no. How does one come to terms with the fact that the man God created you for said no? That he doesn’t want you? How does your self esteem take that hit? At first, I could take the hit. But that was because I knew what God thought about me. Then little by little when I started to realize what was happening, I slowly stopped giving God control of my emotions. I stopped letting Him take care of everything. I took control from God so I could have the right to feel sad. To be angry. To be depressed. 

I want to start giving God control of my emotions again. I am tired of being sad. Of being angry. Of being depressed. I want to be happy. I want to be full of Grace. I want to forgive. Not only God but the guy as well. 2 years is a long time to be angry. 

[me-learningtobeme-blog]

Trust Vs Despair

I had a 1992 Chevy Cavalier RS in College. Her name was Susan. I always saw my car as a vain car. Every time I took a friend to Walmart or to work, and they were rude and told me I needed a new car, she refused to start. Then when I had my “Friends” (Because if they will diss your car, are they really your friends?) apologize to Susan, she would start right up. Just in order to get from point A to point B, I had to trust God that I would make it. Sometimes as I was pulling into a parking spot, my car would die. It was shear belief in God and that He was going to get me to where I was supposed to be just to get to that parking spot. 

He started showing me that you have to build your Trust like Money in a bank. The more trust you have in God the more interest you will get. It is always better to start off with the small things. I had gotten a lot of interest with trusting God with my car. Somehow I gave it all away and I am starting at $0.00. 

The other day my best friend texted me a dream she had. This is what she told me, “ I had a dream with you last night! You and I were in your car and your were driving. We headed up a very steep mountain that got steeper and steeper the higher we went. I was surprised our car didn't fall off the side! I was all...what about gravity??? Lol. We finally got to the top and joined the traffic there. It was dark by this time and I told you to put in the lights. Then your dad called. He was like, "God's on your side, girl!" And he was speaking to both of us. Then he said something about giving you an extra $9,000 for you car...not just to pay it off, but for you to have maintenance money for it even after it's paid off.”

I was doing my taxes tonight. Something weird happened. I was getting the least amount I have ever gotten back on my taxes and yet I had made more this year than I have ever made before. This is right after getting a word about getting money to pay off my car. I was going to use the money from taxes to help pay off my car. I still don’t really know what is going to happen now, but I have to trust that God is going to do what He said he was going to do. Which is to give me $9000 for my car. I have to get 4 new tires as well. God is going to supply that as well. As I was looking at how much I am getting back, all I kept hearing was, “And my God shall supply all my needs according to His riches in Glory in Christ Jesus.” 

I will trust and not despair. I will get my bank account full of trust once again. 

[me-learningtobeme-blog]

“You are my Treasure”

What does a Bruno Mars song have to do with learning how to be myself? Well, everything. I will never forget ushering for my church and the worship pastor started singing this song. Yes, I understand that it doesn’t make sense that a church would even have this song within the doors. Well, it was the lead in music. To make people comfortable. The worship pastor changed all the words that were not appropriate to be sung in God’s house. 

But God spoke to me. He said, “Stop singing along and just listen. This is what you mean to me.” “Treasure, that is what you are. Honey you're my golden star You know you can make my wish come true. If you let me treasure you. If you let me treasure you.”

What do you do when the God of the Universe sings this song to you through your worship pastor? You stand there and bawl your eyes out and then in worship you give Him everything you have. 

Well, in the years since, I have forgotten that I was (am) God’s Treasure. I haven’t let Him treasure me. I have been angry and hurt. I am not where I am in life that I thought I would be at the age of 26. In my dreams, I was married already. 2 kids and maybe a thought of a 3rd. A successful missions organization, or at least the plans to getting it off the ground. But no. I am 26. Single. No kids. No boyfriend. No missions organization. Just an Idea of one. I live at home with my parents. Only with the memories of a man whom God said was for me, but did not agree. God showed me my life with him. I guess that is when I started to not treasure myself. If you don’t treasure yourself, how can you let God treasure you? You can’t. 

I guess it started the day I texted my best friend something honest. I am not ok. She looked up plane tickets that day to come from Sunny and Warm Florida to come see me in the middle of January in Pennsylvania. I can’t even begin to tell you how brave that was. Then we were sitting watching a movie I had seen before, but she had not. It was a good movie. I didn’t mind. Halfway through God showed up. He stood in front of me. Held his hand out and said, “Shall we?” Just like old times. I asked Him if we needed to talk or if we could just sit and be with each other. He smiled like it was the best thing I could have asked. So we sat and watched the movie together. My head on his shoulder. Now, of course all that is going on in my head. But for the first time in 2 years, I felt joy again. The Joy that comes with just being with God. 

Next comes the moment in my bathroom. This is the revelation I had in that moment. “I just got up. Looked through my bookcase. Something else than deal with the fact that Jesus is here. That he forgives me. That he loves me. I went and took out my contacts. Wondering why god would love me despite everything? Then I felt like He was asking me something… What did the Father do with the prodigal Son? He welcomed him home and threw a party. He didnt let him just be a servant. He reinstated him as a Son. I was hoping to just come back as a servant. Not a Daughter. Even knowing better. Im back. I dont know what that looks like but im here. I hate that I do this.”

And finally tonight. I was watching Gilmore Girls. I have finally watched all of it. I see why God wouldn’t let me watch it sooner. I wouldn’t have watched it now. I would have missed something if I had seen it when I was younger. I saw something God wanted me to see. Sure, life does not turn out how you planned it to go. The ones who you thought were going to be there with you for life, aren’t there. The dream job wasn’t quite the dream. The man, not quite who you thought he would turn out to be. But it doesn’t have to be a horrible life. You can still be happy. He isn’t done with me yet. This morning God showed me a verse. Philippians 1:6 “Have patience, God isn’t finished yet.”

I think i am finally ready to allow God to start treasuring me again. Are you?