meanandrude

[meanandrude]

Tattoo/portrait idea: portrait of man and child in a window, the man hanging the moon and the child hanging a star

2 stars already in the sky

[meanandrude]

I told you how you contributed to the rot of my soul and the death of my happiness

And you told me how hearing that hurt your feelings

[meanandrude]

Sometimes I think I have a good sense of humor, and then sometimes Pinterest automatically suggests my I need help board instead of my I love it board :/

[meanandrude]

He’s gone. It’s done.

[meanandrude]

When bad is the best you’re gonna get

[meanandrude]

Suzanne Collins the national treasure that you are

[meanandrude]

“When you are not fed love on a silver spoon you learn to lick it off knives”

[meanandrude]

I need Chappell Roan to pull a Weird Al and make Take Me Home (Cunty Roads)

[meanandrude]

“The price you pay for love is grief”

[meanandrude]

“I know how you feel. My grandma died over the summer. Your heart will heal”

[meanandrude]

He isn’t going to pull through this time and I’m trying to figure out how to be okay with it

[meanandrude]

I jinxed it

[meanandrude]

Today I learned

Jimmy Carter really was that gurl

[meanandrude]

I’m not a believer

But I’m starting to pray

[meanandrude]

I’m building mementos of my dogs while they are still alive

That way when they pass

And I find my little stashed treasure

I’ll get them back

Maybe just for a moment

Maybe for a whole day

Maybe I can hold onto them just a little longer that way

[meanandrude]

“I love you so much it hurts”

I’m realizing now that I never really understood this phrase before. I thought it was a positive feeling, like I’m so full of love for you I’ll burst! But it’s not positive. It’s not a happy, joyous feeling. It’s a knife that you’d rather keep twisting than remove.

You’re dying and it hurts so much.

I’m losing you and it hurts so much.

I have to let you go and it hurts so much.

The world will keep spinning and time will keep going and every second without you will hurt so much.

I’d rather miss you so much than never have had you and it hurts so much.

I know one day that the pain will subside and even that will hurt so much.

I’m so scared of forgetting you one day. I’m so scared to be happy on a day that you won’t be here anymore. I’m dreading the days that I come home and you aren’t here anymore, because I know they will hurt so much.

I’m so scared to live a life without you because I know it will hurt so much.

I know it’s almost time to remove the knife

But please

Just one last twist

[meanandrude]

This could be it

We have two dog brothers, they’re litter mates. They slept together in bed with their people their whole lives. They always slept in the same bed up until about a year ago. Owners are brothers as well, and each dog began sleeping with their paired owners and partners in separate rooms from each other. It never bothered them before.

Tonight, our boy wakes up and asks to go out in a way that’s hard to describe. It was soft and almost hesitant. It’s not his usual insistent tone like when he needs water, bathroom, or a snack. It was almost like a “can I please?”

I let him out expecting him to get water - he doesn’t. He stops at his food bowl for a second and then keeps walking. He goes to lay down on our second mat by the stairs. I open the door to let him outside and he doesn’t budge or show any interest. He just lays there and cries. Not his usual cries like when he wants a blanket or attention. These are the softest, saddest cries I’ve ever heard from him.

My dog can answer closed choice questions - yes/no, either/or, this/that, etc.. He can answer with vigor, show when he is conceding to an option he doesn’t actually want but will go along with anyway, indicate when he chooses both options, and indicate when his desired response isn’t listed.

I asked him if he missed his brother (who is in the other room). He chooses yes with vigor. I ask him who he wants to sleep with - his owner or his brother. He can’t decide; he chooses both in that “can I please” demeanor again. I explain he has to choose one since they’re sleeping separately. I fully expected him to choose his owner.

Another thing about my dog - this one was historically NOT a cuddle bug. He hated being touched or jostled while he slept, would growl if his brother got too close to him during the night, and would become territorial over his spot. He’s gotten a lot better over the last two years. Now he loves to sleep in our arms or between us in bed, we’ll wake up to him snuggled up to our side. He’s even grown to tolerate his brother’s cuddly demeanor. Even though my dog would groan, sigh, and shift his position when his brother cuddled up next to him, he began to allow the proximity and touch whereas before he wouldn’t.

I noticed yesterday he started seeking out his brother to lay down next to during the day for their naps. Tonight, he chose to sleep with his brother in the other room. He specifically requested it.

I’ve never seen this side of him. He was sad, he missed his brother, he asked to leave his owner to be with his brother.

His brother is dying of cancer, and the vet said it will happen soon. We can tell he’s slowing down and becoming lethargic. Before he would smile and wag his tail for anything - calling his name, giving him a pet, giving him a kiss or a cuddle. Now his smiles are smaller and harder to muster, his tail wags are slower and fewer.

I send my boy to be with his brother, and soon after get a picture of them cuddled up together in bed. His brother has the biggest smile I’ve seen from him in the past few weeks and it breaks my heart.

This could be it.

I heard my boy’s cries as he was asking to be with his brother. They were the saddest, purest, most heartbreaking cries. He could only be consoled by being with his brother.

How will I console him after his brother passes?

What will I do if he wants to go be with his brother then too?