meandmysxdness

[meandmysxdness]

I’m tired

[meandmysxdness]

[meandmysxdness]

Me🙂🙂

[meandmysxdness]

[meandmysxdness]

I don’t deserve this

I don’t deserve to live

I don’t deserve this

I don’t deserve you

I don’t deserve it

I am a bother

so why would i stay?

i hurt people

i’m only in the way

People don’t like me

and i know, i really do

but what they don’t know

is that i don’t like me to

[meandmysxdness]

Thoughts

The last few weeks weren’t easy. They just weren’t. Everyday new thoughts and old ones enter my mind again and again and they won’t leave. And that destroys me every day. For a few weeks i’ve had nightmares for a few nights in a row. My grandma’s death. my own death, my boyfriends death and other bad stuff. When i wake up i start to wonder if i’m in reality, or dreaming again. I don’t know anymore. I started self harming again and i can’t stop. I need to feel something, whether it’s physical pain or some certain kind of emotion. Am i even alive? Or am i dead already and is all of this some kind of dream? Every night i have a moment where it feels like i’m ‘gone’, and with that i mean i lay in bed, staring at one specific useless item or place in my room while i cry without even realizing. What if this is all a dream, and one day i will wake up to basically nothing. I keep having bad dreams. One day i could experience my grans death again. I could feel the same emotion, and i could hear the same noises she made when she was dying. In my dream she died on my bedroom floor. For days i was scared to enter my room, affraid to walk in and see her lifeless body on the floor. 

I’ve seen my boyfriends death. For me there is nothing worse to dream about. I’ve dreamed that probably 5 times as far as i can remember. Death causes: suicide. I’ve seen him slitting his wrist, cut his throat and hang himself. But the last 2 nights i’ve had the same dreams, but getting worse each time. I was on his funeral. It was silent. Everyone was silent and sad. I stood there in front of everyone reading a speech i wrote for him. This song i recently started listening to was playing. I was reading something out loud to his family and his coffin with his lifeless body in it. I could see myself standing there from someone elses perspective. I kept staring at his coffin with tears in my eyes. His coffin was open. He was laying there, pale and cold. Calm and lifeless. I can’t forget the way i looked at him and walked to his coffin, kissed his cheek and held his cold hand against mine. He was burried, and i stood there, in tears, knowing i wouldn’t ever see my boyfriend again, not being able to hold him and kiss him and hold his hand. Not able to tell him i love him more than anything. I just can not get over it. I still feel like it happened. While my boyfriend is still here and i’m so thankful for that. And i hope it will stay like that. 

Everytime i hear that song it reminds me of that dream. Hearing his voice reminds me of it because i still feel like i’m dreaming. It can leave me upset for hours. And i don’t want to think about it anymore. I just don’t want to think anymore. 

And i feel like i can’t cope with this anymore. Because it’s slowely killing me. But everything is okay. It never happened and it hopefully never wll. 

[meandmysxdness]

sitting on the floor in your room listening to fighting at night crying is the best thing ever

[meandmysxdness]

i sat on the stairs and he knew i was there listening to their fighting

[meandmysxdness]

Swearing with the word 'Cancer' is the worst thing

[meandmysxdness]

They were fighting, throwing things, screaming. For a while i was scared he was gonna kill her

[meandmysxdness]

you are clearly losing interest in me

[meandmysxdness]

tears come streaming down my face

[meandmysxdness]

2 words i need to hear

[meandmysxdness]

i'm going to bed with tears in my eyes and a hurting heart

[meandmysxdness]

if nobody tells me to stay safe there is a change i wont

[meandmysxdness]

does he still love me

[meandmysxdness]

my heart