mel-bender

[mel-bender]

where does that leave me

in middle class silence

he reigns king

she watches

my own rejected

the constant refrain

examples of lack overriding

rugs pulled from beneath

piece together a lie

removing myself at long last

the light at the end of the tunnel

ignite

[mel-bender]

vicious cycle

the same problem

I’m never the same

[mel-bender]

use

I no longer remember

what I was for

[mel-bender]

unstable

at least a few occasions

I was repeatedly myself

[mel-bender]

undate

hair/dress/dinner

etc.

[mel-bender]

they were in the dark

1.

had a problem with my problem

so I took a gamble 

and lost my dignity

2. 

a period of time impulsive

I’d leave home at night

started small

had sex

I wish I’d had more

a job

the dishes

myself

3. 

another problem

I changed in the morning

and then dropped and stripped in the afternoon

4.

I waited six months

gave up with some guy

it was confusing if I payed attention

I matched my behaviour with my company

and impersonated me

[mel-bender]

the unmentionable

I was

the way they thought I was

[mel-bender]

the right and wrong I like

I’ve struggled to accept my reality

ashamed of a preference

hard because I sound casual

I’ve been all I feel like

just like you decided

I think I’ll have the side order

I regret that reason

sick of hearing the right

paint the wrong like that

blue corner

I should go back

screw the old one in new ways

[mel-bender]

therapy hangover

I leave her office

exhausted grumpy and queasy

it would be a good idea

to have alcohol at our sessions

if I’m going to have a hangover

I may as well have a good time

[mel-bender]

the psychologist

someone you pay to care

I could do that 

with own my reflection 

instead I see her

seems wrong to see someone

and never feel the need to ask

it’s acceptable

any attempt she makes

I’m not well 

had that dream again

I think it has something 

to do with my sister

[mel-bender]

the mirror

acting

trying to become

[mel-bender]

the machine operator

you are armed if you know her

work the machine

[mel-bender]

the love trap

crazy when you’re together

crazy when you’re apart

[mel-bender]

the inner critic

reviewing the useless

is useless

[mel-bender]

the inner world of self

the vehicle and the outlet 

scratched

an accident caused

I’m glad to have the occasional twinge

talk about whatever comes up

as though subconsciously myself

against all changes

I predict where this is going

feels good to lose myself

I use myself

to manifest others

[mel-bender]

the future

I won’t miss this

short-term reality

[mel-bender]

the chair

I get nervous before the appointments

I see her once a week

I see her for an hour

my heart beats faster as I walk down the hall

I never know what we’ll discuss

I always know I’ll be exhausted

I never like to let her down

I haven’t been doing well

I spend most of my time being numb

the idea of opening up scares me

I’m afraid of what may come to the surface

I’m afraid she’ll pick up on something

I always want to be in control

but in that chair I am vulnerable

raw and naked

I worry about going hours before