meow12927

[meow12927]

Just lost the love of my life (he moved away to college) (we haven’t spoken in a year) (we never dated)

[meow12927]

I know aliens exist because I am one. Or alien adjacent. Something from out of this world! It seems to me that everyone is connected via one big relation, the human race, while I get left out of this fraternization because they can see my great big alien antennas!! They point and laugh and say “Hey!! Would you look at that girl with the green things poking out of her head!!!” and I cover them with my hands and run into the bathroom and hide and say “whyyy!!! whyy mee???!!!” just kidding. that hasn’t happened to me. But sometimes it feels like it. But maybe I guess everyone feels out of place, like they have to translate their thoughts first before speaking. maybe not, maybe that’s just me. But I like to think that everyone feels that way, it’s comforting. I wonder if there is anyone who hasn’t felt that way, who hasn’t felt largely out of place and hasn’t had any trouble with making friends or communicating or feeling human. Maybe they’d be the only one. and if they were the only one who felt normal, would they make them abnormal? then who’s the alien now?

[meow12927]

okay, disappointing update -- after listening to several full episodes of this podcast with promising titles I still hadn't found the right one, so I put the broken link in the waybackmachine and discovered that the original episode 8 of the ladygang podcast has been deleted (and scrubbed from the internet fairly well). You can keep searching and if you find it, let me know, but I think this one may be lost to history :/// anyway, you can see in the description of LadyGang episode 8 of the waybackmachine that they were indeed talking about Ryan (the "shared ex") and they will occasionally reference him in episodes -- there's a whole bit where they're joking about naming cockroaches after bad exes and Jac says she doesn't have do one of hers because Keltie already has, etc -- but I also think based on the tenor of one of the jokes that someone perhaps at last told them that discussing your exes genitals is um. in poor taste? who's to say? Anyway, I'm sorry i couldn't be more help!

Yeah i’ve been looking at almost everything early that they’ve posted and I couldn’t find much either. Thanks so much anyways !!

[meow12927]

hey! re: my old rydon post, jsyk i'm searching for a better podcast link -- I know the podcast is LadyGang and i know it's one of the early episodes, had to have been released BEFORE may of 2016 (I remember the place I listened to it so it could only have been fall 2015 or spring 2016) but idk which. I'm relistening to try and find it for you but if you'd rather hunt for yourself, that's where to look

Thanks so much!

[meow12927]

All my problems go away when i’m in the sunshine, thinking i might be vitamin d deficient

[meow12927]

I guess I haven’t followed through on my promise to myself, I haven’t been updating at all, let alone regularly. Nothing has been inspiring me like at all. So no material. Until now, anyway.

Recently i’ve been really analyzing and mourning my past friendships, that coupled with finding myself stir crazy in the house has led to constant over thinking. Mostly about the questions left unanswered in these fallouts or abandonments.

Most of my questions can be summarized with another “why?”

why did they leave? why did they stop talking to me? why wasn’t I enough for them? these questions, at least in my scenario, will likely never be answered. It’s been far too long to still be relevant or appropriate in conversation, and it’s not like I still see many of these people in person. Which is frustrating. I’ve been finding myself framing these closure fantasies in my head; I finally get ahold of these impossible to catch apparitions and trap them in a jar, i’ll ask them for the answers that i never got, and this time I won’t have to shake the jar for them to give me what I want. And while in the moment these answers are satisfying, in the end they’re just my best guesses.

Though, unanswered questions are hardly the worst part of a dead friendship. The worst part is undoubtedly missing the people that played such a hand in shaping who you are. Every joke i laugh at, every song I enjoy, and every facet of my personality has been greatly impacted by these people. But I think this is getting too long. Maybe i’ll touch on that later.

Thanks for reading,

E

[meow12927]

Thursday, April 17

Spring is here, and I’m looking forward to warm weather. When the flowers start to blossom, they remind me of a newborn baby. There’s some material there about the relation between the firsts of spring and the firsts of a child, but I’m too lazy to write something about it. I’ll link or quote some of my favorite poems about spring. Apparently, the worst thing you can do for writing is sit down with the intention of writing.

I religiously take multiple baths a day not even as a direct ocd thing but more as a meditative practice. I remember writing an essay on that in junior year. I put my soul into that thing only to find out everyone got an A on their essay because it was for practice not skill or whatever. Lowkey, what I deserved for quoting Sylvia Plath…….

I spend the majority of my days mute. Like genuinely. Besides myself, the only people I talk to are my parents and the occasional drive-through employee.

Well, on a more positive note and relating to the beginning of this entry, spring brings renewal. Summer, too! It’s still cold where I’m at, but it’s supposed to heat up soon. The birds wake me up almost every morning, and I'm lucky enough to where the sun shines every day all day basically. Our magnolia tree in the front lawn is budding for the first time this year and the robins are pregnant.

-E

[meow12927]

Welcome!!

Ive been thinking about starting a blog for the longest time, and even though im fairly certain this wont gain much traction, I thought it sounded fun. (my journal just ain’t cutting it!)

My plan is to post a few times a week, mostly comprising of personal entries (like a diary or journal) Maybe album reviews if I feel like it?? I don’t write much other than about my life but the occasional poetry or think piece isn’t off limits probably.

Fair warning, i’m not a professional writer and i’m using this sort of as a writing exercise for me, to strengthen my creativity and skill, and also to hold myself accountable to doing literally anything consistently.

i’m gonna try to find a way to post this at the top maybe if that’s a thing?? idk

- E