metalmettle

[metalmettle]

Sorry I lost it last night, kiddo. I know you’re just looking for closeness; I was overstimulated. While t dad is able to eat and enjoy social media, I was trying to eat and figure something out on the computer while you were climbing my legs to get onto my lap. But there’s not much space on my lap right now, buddy, my tummy carrying your brother is taking up more room for now. I was hungry also, baby, I wasn’t able to eat.

Sometimes I am overstimulated and I need some space, I need 20 minutes. I know you’re tired from work and hungry but even if we didn’t have kids you’d still be a provider; now that we do you have to be a father, too. Not that you’re not being a father, it’s just that…I’m frustrated. I was really struggling, hungry, overstimulated, exhausted from taking care of the house, the kid, the dogs, the errands ALL WHILE BUILDING A NEW HUMAN and there you were enjoying IG, half-present with your earbuds on, having a second helping of dinner when I barely managed 2 bites.

[metalmettle]

Our two-person team has no budget so teaching tools come out of our pockets.

Our two-person team has been forced to move and go from 2 desks, to sharing 1. Now that the residents have poured in, they (the freshly graduated doctors with limited, if any, in-hospital experience) they are telling us (the 2 person nurse team with vastly more experience/tenure in the institution) that we have to wait 2hrs before we can start working because all 10 of them beed the 4.5 desk room (yes, it’s a fire hazard). Don’t get me wrong—breaks are nice—I like enjoying my coffee and light breakfast in the morning. But the break room has been an issue as well. The nurses who work regularly on this unit (they do not count us even though we have been stationed on their floor for 2 years now) regularly talk shit about how I use the break room. They don’t like that I use it during my break, they don’t like that I sleep during said break, they just…don’t like that I use it at all. Management has said repeatedly that it is a shared space and that employees from every and any floor can use it.

I like my job but the environment is has been increasingly toxic. Healthcare in general is a toxic field to work; I’m at the precipice of misery in the workplace. If I will be unappreciated and unwelcome, as is the fate of about 80% of nurses IMO (they eat their young AND the young tear each other down), then I may as well get better hours and higher pay while I’m at it.

Being pregnant doesn’t help. I’m exhausted. A two-person team for 300 beds? Please. I’m entitled to a full break without any shit.

[metalmettle]

I didn’t mean to break the lamp. I’m sorry.

Wait. I didn’t break the lamp. You did. I always thread the charger through the netting. I’m sorry the lamp is broken, but I didn’t break it.

[metalmettle]

Let me make this clear:

I would NEVER compare having a good time with friends to rape. I’m a survivor myself, it’s not something I take lightly. My point—which you all missed—was that once someone is obliterated by alcohol, that person barely has the awareness/foresight to say yes or no to anything. I’m sorry for the the things I said/how I said things when I was upset; I thought that as friends I could talk to you about it and express my frustration. I’m disappointed and dispirited that that’s what you took away from what I said. Instead of asking me to clarify, you took up arms and then, from my perspective, kept me at arms length. Even the photographers told you to smile like we were friends.

You say that we’re all adults and are free to do as we please and can occupy ourselves at an all inclusive resort. I thought I finally had permission to do the things I wanted when I wanted and didn’t have to entertain and plan things with and for everyone. And that’s what I did. I saw that you had your own agenda and ways of spending time and I was relieved to see you were having fun and weren’t bored. At rehearsal dinner, you sat away from me; I sat first and everyone was free to choose where to sit after. You chose to sit at the other end of the table.

You say that if I have a problem, you hope that I would be comfortable enough to approach you about it. But communication is both ways: if you feel there’s a problem, you should be able to approach me also. Constantly saying “it’s your wedding” “it’s your weekend” “it’s about you” — just sounds like an excuse at this point. I did not feel you had done anything wrong, to me it just seemed like you had other agendas. To say that I did not hang out even once seems unfair to me: I hung out at the poolside bar with you and the group and even participated in water activities. I had had so much fun that I truly thought everything was ok.

I had guests from my side whom I haven’t seen nor spoken to in person in more than 10 years, who came from places like Arizona and Australia. I felt that they had priority because of time, distance, infrequency. I felt it was imperative to spend time with them.

I’ve apologized at length for the things I said and how I said them when I was angry. I apologized for coming across a certain way when it was not my intention. I shared my perspective with hopes of coming to some kind of an understanding but I can also see how it could sound like I’m making excuses. My admissions, acknowledgements, and sincere apologies were met with brutal tirades of how I made your weekend worse, and you know what? I apologized for that also. And it seems it’s not enough.

What’s interesting to me is that the very things you expect from me are expected of you also. The things you accuse me of, you are guilty of as well. Are you sure you’re not projecting?

You expect me to approach you when I have an issue. I did. You did not approach me when you clearly had issue with me. Blaming the wedding for not approaching me just feels like an excuse. At least we could have cleared things up.

You say that you felt like I didn’t want to hang out with you. But I did hang out casually and—from my perspective— maybe it’s time to consider the possibility that it was you who avoided me. You’re right, all this didn’t have to happen but that’s on you. I had no issue, just a mild disappointment that I was misunderstood by people whom I thought knew me well enough to know better; but even then, it was water under the bridge to me.

If you want to drown in it, that’s on you. If that’s the memory you want to take away from the trip, you can have it; but it won’t be mine.

If I could go back in time to take back the things I said when I was frustrated, I would.

Edit: I’ve reviewed the chat. I don’t see any mention of rape from anyone’s end. Someone is blowing it out of proportion and it’s not me.

[metalmettle]

You don’t get to judge my spiritual life, my relationship with God. You don’t get to judge when you adamantly refuse to follow His command to be publicly baptized, when you’re partially responsible for the stunting of my spiritual growth, when you’re blind to spiritual abuse, refuse to acknowledge spiritual trauma. What is the point of organized religion when the answers are always the same? Is it not faith over facts? Relationship [with God] over religion? Is it not written: Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather determine this—not to put an obstacle or a stumbling in a brother’s way. (Roman’s 14:13)

[metalmettle]

If I do nothing, am I allowing the behavior to perpetuate the workplace?

Instinctually, I want her to hurt. To be afraid of an uncomfortable workplace just as I have been uncomfortable.

What’s the difference between snitching and holding someone accountable?

The more I think about it, the more I am inclined to believe that difference between the two lies in the intention. To snitch is to get another party in trouble. To hold another party accountable is to bring them, their deeds, their words to light.

So the next question is: where do I stand? What do I want? What is my intention?

If I alert the chain of command of uncouth, unprofessional, racist, anti-Semitic, toxic, culturally insensitive behavior and words, is there a warning? Will she be held accountable? Or could this end her career?

Do I want to help or hurt this person? What is the point in alerting the chain of command?

I don’t think I’m interested in helping her, if I’m being honest with myself. But I don’t believe her words or behavior should continue. Not only does it make the workplace toxic, but would it not permeate into how she cares for and interacts with patients, staff, and family alike?

[metalmettle]

What’s the difference between snitching and holding someone accountable?

The more I think about it, the more I am inclined to believe that difference between the two lies in the intention. To snitch is to get another party in trouble. To hold another party accountable is to bring them, their deeds, their words to light.

So the next question is: where do I stand? What do I want? What is my intention?

If I alert the chain of command of uncouth, unprofessional, racist, anti-Semitic, toxic, culturally insensitive behavior and words, is there a warning? Will she be held accountable? Or could this end her career?

Do I want to help or hurt this person? What is the point in alerting the chain of command?

I don’t think I’m interested in helping her, if I’m being honest with myself. But I don’t believe her words or behavior should continue. Not only does it make the workplace toxic, but would it not permeate into how she cares for and interacts with patients, staff, and family alike?

[metalmettle]

When words come out of your mouth, they have life.

[metalmettle]

My 22yo body will be different from my 32yo body. I think I just need to keep it as healthy as possible, love it as it is, as it continues to change.

[metalmettle]

How do I fix me.

Maybe I’m smothering you. I must be. I’m sorry I want to be better. I’m trying to learn how. Everyone says I’ve been reasonable but no one has offered to look from your perspective.

How do I fix me

[metalmettle]

I hope we make it through this. But I’m prepared to go our separate ways if it doesn’t.

I know I can stand on my own two feet.

Can you?

[metalmettle]

I told you that I racked my brains for months trying to find a compromise. I don’t want to keep you from your friends, I don’t want to give you a curfew or a bedtime because not only do you not like that at all, I am not your mother. I told you that I helped build your new computer; financially anyway. It hurts me when you don’t play and you feel like it’s because I don’t want you to, like you’re blaming me. But I have always thought there should be a balance. Sometimes I feel like you’re just waiting for me to go to bed, to go away so you can go and play.

Yesterday you invited me to join you but when we found that my computer couldn’t support the games you wanted to play, I began to peruse the list. You quietly excused yourself and instead of looking with me, continuing to look with and help me, you hopped online and forgot about me. I perused the entire list and found games of interest none of which are multiplayer. None are co-op.

Then you finally came up with a compromise after I told you that I just couldn’t think of anything anymore bc all the things I mentioned before you didn’t even want to try. And now I feel like you truly don’t want me around. Avoiding me. Not looking at me. Not speaking to me.

You fucking idiot. You didn’t need to limit yourself to one game night every two weeks or one game night a week. You could have played every night until 1am or every other night until 1230a or something. You just went extreme.

I’ve been trying to hard to meet you in the middle. If meeting you in the middle means you’re an asshole then you have a lot of growing up to do because your behavior shows that you more often than not got your way and didn’t share or compromise.

I don’t expect you to be over the moon. But compromise doesn’t necessarily mean that only one person is happy or only one gets what they want. Compromise means that both parties take a little and give a little, equally. You don’t have to like it or enjoy it. You just have to be fair to the other person.

[metalmettle]

My chest hurts but there’s no wounds. I need to find another scalpel.

Compromise no longer working, unsure why. Feels like he’s avoiding it. Tried to ask him about it last night and was met with no answer, no response, no reason. Told him that I thought it was a compromise that he would like as there are virtually no limits and he gets all the gain, the only benefit I get is a few extra minutes with him before bed. He’s made no attempts to reconcile or meet the previously agreed compromise.

I’m disappointed that we had an agreement and it wasn’t honored. I’m hurt that he won’t respond or talk about it. I don’t mind as much that he plays or that he stays up late. I’ve made peace with the fact that he doesn’t want limits for playtime. I don’t give him a curfew or bedtime. I only asked for one thing. He’s checked out, not present; he’s admitted to that before but I can’t see that he’s made any moves to improve.

My schedule is packed. All I’m asking is for a few minutes with him before he plays games for 3-4hours.

There are nights when I’m tired, yes. But I’ve told him that I’d still want to act on our agreement. It’s not difficult. I don’t sleep right away anyway.

I work an extra job to make extra cash so we can make ends more than meet (financially, we’re ok, we’re average), so he can work on his projects and I can pay my cards and whatnot. I help keep the dogs healthy and the house tidy. I manage appointments and finances. All I’m asking of him is just a little of his time

I’m busy but I’m doing my best to make time that isn’t just TV. I know I’m not bad at performing, he’s said so himself. I just don’t understand why I can’t have what I want and he can get what he wants.

I’m sorry. It’s too early in the morning for this. I just know that if I don’t vent somewhere I will explode at work.

[metalmettle]

It feels like you’re present only when we’re intimate. Otherwise, it feels like you’re on your phone distracted with messages and notifications, or just waiting for me to go to bed so you can go and play games.

I’m only asking for a few extra minutes. Just a few minutes of you being present, you being with me in the moment before you spend four hours in the moment playing games.

Compromise no longer working, unsure why. Feels like he’s avoiding it. Tried to ask him about it last night and was met with no answer, no response, no reason. Told him that I thought it was a compromise that he would like as there are virtually no limits and he gets all the gain, the only benefit I get is a few extra minutes with him before bed. He’s made no attempts to reconcile or meet the previously agreed compromise.

I’m disappointed that we had an agreement and it wasn’t honored. I’m hurt that he won’t respond or talk about it. I don’t mind as much that he plays or that he stays up late. I’ve made peace with the fact that he doesn’t want limits for playtime. I don’t give him a curfew or bedtime. I only asked for one thing. He’s checked out, not present; he’s admitted to that before but I can’t see that he’s made any moves to improve.

My schedule is packed. All I’m asking is for a few minutes with him before he plays games for 3-4hours.

There are nights when I’m tired, yes. But I’ve told him that I’d still want to act on our agreement. It’s not difficult. I don’t sleep right away anyway.

I work an extra job to make extra cash so we can make ends more than meet (financially, we’re ok, we’re average), so he can work on his projects and I can pay my cards and whatnot. I help keep the dogs healthy and the house tidy. I manage appointments and finances. All I’m asking of him is just a little of his time

I’m busy but I’m doing my best to make time that isn’t just TV. I know I’m not bad at performing, he’s said so himself. I just don’t understand why I can’t have what I want and he can get what he wants.

I’m sorry. It’s too early in the morning for this. I just know that if I don’t vent somewhere I will explode at work.

[metalmettle]

Compromise no longer working, unsure why. Feels like he’s avoiding it. Tried to ask him about it last night and was met with no answer, no response, no reason. Told him that I thought it was a compromise that he would like as there are virtually no limits and he gets all the gain, the only benefit I get is a few extra minutes with him before bed. He’s made no attempts to reconcile or meet the previously agreed compromise.

I’m disappointed that we had an agreement and it wasn’t honored. I’m hurt that he won’t respond or talk about it. I don’t mind as much that he plays or that he stays up late. I’ve made peace with the fact that he doesn’t want limits for playtime. I don’t give him a curfew or bedtime. I only asked for one thing. He’s checked out, not present; he’s admitted to that before but I can’t see that he’s made any moves to improve.

My schedule is packed. All I’m asking is for a few minutes with him before he plays games for 3-4hours.

There are nights when I’m tired, yes. But I’ve told him that I’d still want to act on our agreement. It’s not difficult. I don’t sleep right away anyway.

I work an extra job to make extra cash so we can make ends more than meet (financially, we’re ok, we’re average), so he can work on his projects and I can pay my cards and whatnot. I help keep the dogs healthy and the house tidy. I manage appointments and finances. All I’m asking of him is just a little of his time

I’m busy but I’m doing my best to make time that isn’t just TV. I know I’m not bad at performing, he’s said so himself. I just don’t understand why I can’t have what I want and he can get what he wants.

I’m sorry. It’s too early in the morning for this. I just know that if I don’t vent somewhere I will explode at work.

[metalmettle]

Getting married doesn’t change my anxiety. My anxiety doesn’t change my getting married. This is because my anxiety perpetuates, it’s always been there, always will be. Sometimes it’s hard to think or feel so it makes me want to put my head in a blender so I can stop thinking, open up my chest and tear open my rib cage so I can breathe, so my heart has space to beat, so I can relieve this tightness in my chest that isn’t physically there. I’ve learned to tackle my anxiety by dealing with it head-on, whittle away at to-do lists one task at a time until the list is smaller and more manageable.

[metalmettle]

You will have all of me. All my love and all my wrath. Take them or leave them.