metromesses

[metromesses]

I don't really feel like I know you anymore. That isn't true at all, it isn't; but the feeling never goes away. Honestly? I really like it. I really actually appreciate this feeling. It's one I've never been able to enjoy. "Not knowing" has always been one of if not the greatest fear I've ever had, but I don't feel scared. I feel excited. I feel like there's more to look forward to now.

The things you say, the choices you make, it's all as though you've evolved. Like finding a great many doors leading to unexplored rooms in a home I thought I knew inside & out.

Your responses feel new. Your choices carry more authority, more strength. You have never seemed this decisive. You carry the air of someone familiar but far more aware. It is as though growth has become a tandem tactic between us, which I couldn't predict would be or feel this way. Is this love? I know what I used to believe. I know how my past iteration would process this. "See? You were always able to be this way, why couldn't you be nicer to me before?" That's what I know I would have thought, but that hasn't happened yet. I've spent days and days trying to make sense of this. I haven't, because I don't really care. I don't need to understand why. I'm just beside myself with shock that this has happened..that we are here.

This is what I wanted. This is what I want, this is what I like. You are what I like. I feel constantly surprised by you. Like every day just may be Christmas and I have no calendar. But it IS scary.. To know there's all these rooms, all these changes in someone I've known for nearly a decade, I'm worried about finding locked rooms. I'm afraid of finding anywhere I'm not welcome but it's not real it's a strong fear. It's not enough to keep me from trying, or exploring. I feel like the only locks I need to think about are my own, and all of this is so odd to be faced with after so long.

I feel like I've found proof of something only I've believed in my whole life. Finding all the evidence of something magical but I'm not interested in proving it to anyone anymore. Is that selfish? I don't know. I really don't know. I feel like I've walked through the gates of Eden and I don't want to tell anyone where it is. And that isn't going to change, either.. unless it's for /her/ maybe, but even that feels like a maybe because I don't think she believes in this heaven that I've found. And that's sad, but, I'm really not interested in lamenting over who isn't in Heaven tonight. Maybe that's because I'm different, too.

I am. You are. This is.. and I'm thrilled to be here, I'm absolutely eager to find every new space in this mansion of you.

[metromesses]

Somewhere into our relationship, we began a playthrough of Silent Hill 2. It was the original, the remake had barely been announced at the time so it felt like the perfect opportunity to give it a shot hot off the heels of having finished the first. She watched me play. Though I did have a couple hours of stumbling around somewhere in my playtime, the majority of it was with her. She would be guide and other eyes, helping me talk through my choices & always there to help whenever I'd get stuck. In truth, I'd stay stuck at times just to have an excuse to play with her. Something I probably never needed, in hindsight. She would help me laugh and her commentary, though rare, was always flawlessly timed. It helped a lot, especially given the nature of the game itself and it's constant thematic interpretations of guilt; a concept I've always struggled with. I wanted so badly to see myself in James Sunderland, the sufferer. The brave. The Guilty. But our guilt was the only similarity between us then. I had no idea.

Somewhere further into our relationship, we stopped playing. Not because we didn't have time, or because we'd found something else to do, no. It was because I became someone else. I could never appreciate the time we'd spent playing that, or anything else. I couldn't let myself be happy with her or anyone, anything else. Always questioning the value of my efforts and the intentions behind those targeting me. I'd push her away. I'd convinced myself she'd be happier without me. I believed her love was more than I deserved to have even though I wanted nothing more. I'd make this nervous joke that I couldn't help but repeat because it was always on my mind:

"You're gonna send me to Silent Hill one day, I know it"

I can't tell you how many times I made that joke. I can't bring myself to remember how far I counted, either. Every time I felt this impulse that her gaze was layered in a mask to cover her discontent with me, or a fear that she was pulling away I'd fire it off. We'd go on to experience so many things.. but nothing did more damage than my constant self sabotage. The way I'd talk to her. The way I'd treat her. The guilt would eat me up alive and I'd try to find some plastic way to express my love through things that meant nothing compared to my honesty. One I learned to hide. One I'd learn to weaponize should anyone ever get close. All of the things I thought about myself or feared stemmed from the things we painfully shared. Our nervousness, anxiety, fear, and self confidence were only high with one another at the start. But mine grew besides hers. My fear of the irrational made possible as her fears were struck with barbarous words and unwarranted rancor. In so many of the ways we'd struggled before and then too, I'd turn. In the matters which I gave her comfort, I'd grown jagged and atrocious. I saw the person she loved disappear in her reflection while relentlessly trying to unearth the person I met before my affliction could harm her. Ignoring all the realities that'd brought me to that point because ignoring it all was all I knew. Storing my hurt was as natural to me as bleeding. From her silence and fear to the horrible things we'd both experienced, I went from someone who sympathized to someone who peddled the same poisoning mea culpa I'd used to "conquer" my abuse. I took all the comfort I'd given her away. And before too long, there was no one to play Silent Hill 2 with anymore. But I wanted to finish it. If I should find an ending to this game that could hurt me, I'd do it just to see how much more I could take. Hoping at some point I'd have the courage to do for myself what I always wanted to do; remove myself from anyone's path.

I'd go on to finish that journey. That frightening story revealed something to me that I never expected. I was like James in ways most people could relate to. But in reality, my place in life aligned more with Mary. Mary, who suffered and in scorn lashed out at James. Hurting him through his moments of kindness out of bitterness for her own life, forcing him to make a choice he never would've dreamed on his own.. And despite coming to that realization, James moved on. This woman I love with the love I never thought I'd have inside of me guided me to the best possible ending the game could offer.. one of forgiveness. Acceptance. Moving on. Absolving him of guilt. In that moment, I realized that,

I was the one who sent her to Silent Hill.

I turned our "special place" into a place of grieving. I earned her love in a place of safety only she could provide and pulled her into my circus show of a life filled with costumes & horrible acts. I made every attempt she tried to find me one filled with fright and cryptic metaphors, all out of fears I'd dreamed up myself. All because I couldn't let myself be happy with her, anyone, or at all. I'd given her no other choice than to let go.. Just like Mary.

Now a year and weeks later, I find myself anew. With eyes that see. With a mind aware beyond alertness. A mind certain of faith beyond fear. But though I hope through foolish signs I draw from trivial things and gentle breezes in the winds, the faith I pick up on the street like little memories of the past, I find myself finally feeling like James. Feeling like someone who would wander into hell itself to see her once more. Someone who's died a thousand times to be born into someone that could deserve a night in that special place again. But there is no Mary left to find. I am just a wandering stray in the fog, looking for love in the shape of heavenly mists that barely look like the love I'd pushed into the distance. One I'll never get close enough to deserve again. Though I pine & pray, I know she isn't here. Even though I held her hand once more, It'll never be mine to hold.

I know that I never deserved the treatment that shaped me into something so twisted. But I will spend the rest of my life knowing I am guilty for how I let those rusted edges that were driven into me pierce her. There is no amount of conversation I can have that will spare me from the magnificent irony of knowing that I joked out of fear that I made real. There will never come a day. My love for her will live in the reflections of every good thing I find. Including that save file of Silent Hill 2.

[metromesses]

No finishing Fallout or starting Shogun

No more picnics on better weather

No finishing El Camino

No meeting Avena

No adopting a cousin for Avena

No meeting Sandra

No more walking in the forest

No more kissing in the middle of the night

No more fighting dreams with the smell of your hair

No more tickling

No more stick bug

No more laughing together at the same time

No more cute pictures when we go out

No more feeling you schooch in to cuddle

No more playlists

No more stinkers

No more making fun of Tenny

No more happiness in October

No more of your grilled cheese

No riding bikes together

No going to an amusement park

No sunbathing in Fortescue

No late trips to 7/11

No conquering Kingda Ka

No air hockey rematch

No learning dances with you

No more learning through/with you

No more photos of you doing your routine

No trip to Bonao in the Dominican Republic

No visiting my dad with you

No road trip with you

No more hearing weird noises when you stretch

No more weird photos of me being sent to me

No sleeping with your feet on top of mine

No more cat box

No more of your wide eyes reactions to my jokes

No eating mangu with you

No more of your cooking

No more being comforted by you

No more kissing in the rain

No more laughing at Ceo

No more sneaking in the middle of the night

No more cuddling on the couch almost to sleep

No more Monster Hunter

No more seeing your raised pinky

No more getting washed in Mario Kart 8

No kissing on the lake again

No sneaking out at night to be by the river

No more sharing music

No more watching you dance

No more seeing your bracey smile

No more watching you try new things

No more smiling at your notifications

No more screenshotting my favorites

No random photos of your nose

No more polaroids

No getting to enjoy the new Septum

No more crying in the safety of your embrace

No more bathing you & admiring the shape of you

No more holding your hand

No more you

No more us

No more Gatata

No more Gachacho

No more hope

This is what's best for us?

[metromesses]

Every breath feels like it's taken in by lungs full of led. I thought we were going to try, how is this best for us

[metromesses]

I tried to look at this time apart as a good thing. I knew you needed a break from everything. I always miss you, but when I've had to miss you, it gives me time to think and find the things we should say and do. I wanted to make a gift of several text books about coding to you, I just needed to adjust. So much happened in such a short period of time I had whiplash, I felt so hung up, but this is what you feel we have to do. I have to forget about everything and it's my fault. I never told anyone about the fear. I never told anyone about the diagnosis. I never told anyone because I didn't want to make everything harder.. now I have to go through the cycle of being told "I told you so" by all the people on the outside. "She's too young" or, "She's just a kid". Everyone is so quick to discount the things we felt and these two here at home are just trying to make sense of it. They've cried, I've cried, but this feeling is so much worse than tears can coax to the surface. I would have given anything to make this work for us. I guess this is what I get. I didn't trust that you could love me because I thought I was unworthy of it and now it'll never be mine. I know I should be grateful, but.. to live in this world and know you're in it and so far away after everything we've shared and been through feels like death. This is the worst pain I've ever had to feel and I hope I'm forgiven for however I come to terms with the idea that you'll never hold me again

[metromesses]

I never wanted to picture my life without you. I hate everything about this world you're leaving me behind in.

[metromesses]

Babel 2001 is a large-scale sculptural installation that takes the form of a circular tower made from hundreds of second-hand analogue radios that the artist has stacked in layers. The radios are tuned to a multitude of different stations and are adjusted to the minimum volume at which they are audible. (...)

The installation manifests, quite literally, a Tower of Babel, relating it to the biblical story of a tower tall enough to reach the heavens, which, offending God, caused him to make the builders speak in different tongues. Their inability to communicate with one another caused them to become divided and scatter across the earth and, moreover, became the source of all of mankind’s conflicts.

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[metromesses]

[metromesses]

midnight run

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[metromesses]

Batumi, Georgia - October 2023

[metromesses]

Venice, Italy by Geoffroy Hauwen

[metromesses]

No amount of dissociation will get me close enough to you. I miss you more than you know.

[metromesses]

[metromesses]

Golden-gai, Shinjuku 新宿