meunnoticed-blog

[meunnoticed-blog]

Mocking

I cannot handle every time we fight. It’s like talking to a brick wall. No communication, no progress, no understanding. All I ever hear is mocking. My wrongdoing. My blood boils and my body wants to fight back, wants to hit and punch. But I’m powerless. All I ever feel is powerless. Why can’t you ever listen?

[meunnoticed-blog]

Why

I wonder why, out of the whole entire world, why I was chosen to be in the life I’m in. Why I was brought into this world by the people who brought me here. Why I was given these genes, these family members, these relationships. Why? Everything happens for a reason, and I’m waiting for my reason why.

[meunnoticed-blog]

Uncomfortable

Sitting with a circle of people, and the circle of people only talk about what they are interested in. I cannot socialize comfortably in the first place, let alone trying to communicate about things I don’t know about. My throat tightens, I go silent. My thoughts get darker and I start to assume the worst. His family deserves better, they don’t like me, if I can’t relate now am I ever? The circle is uncomfortable.

[meunnoticed-blog]

Silence

I feel so uncomfortable. I don’t feel like myself. I want you to like me for who I am but figure you could care less. I make silly remarks, stupid jokes to mask the feelings of being judged. I break the silence because I can’t handle the silence. But at the same time silence is all I want.

[meunnoticed-blog]

The feelings

I spend my days thinking the most absolute worst. I try and try to convince myself that what I’m thinking isn’t true, but deep down it doesn’t work - It comes back. The feelings of not being wanted. The feelings of thinking “oh they don’t even consider me a friend”. All of these thoughts, swirling through my head like a group of wasps - and they want to sting. They sting and sting until I don’t even want to try and be happy anymore. I’m not even happy anymore.

[meunnoticed-blog]

See me

Tonight I’m feeling low. I’m feeling alone. I want to scream out to everyone “Why can’t you see me?!”. Why can’t anyone see, I’m here, I’m struggling. But everyone is occupied with their lives. With sports, with video games, with their own things. I smile and pretend I’m fine when in all honesty I just want people to see the real me. Why can’t I just let people see?

[meunnoticed-blog]

Challenging you

I really want to tell you. I want you close to me. But when you come close all I want is my space. My head can’t make up its mind but my heart wants you. I’m sorry I have to put you through things like this. These ups and downs which challenge us everyday. Sometimes I feel like they only challenge me, but they challenge you. I challenge you. My words, my body language, my attitude. It challenges you. I don’t know why you stick around but I’m glad you do. I fucking love you.

[meunnoticed-blog]

Someone’s somebody

Do you ever wonder if someone wants you or values you as much as you do them? That feeling of knowing regardless of the situation, the other people in their lives, they will always be there for you. I want that. I want that person - specifically a best friend. Someone I know will call me that golden title in return. We all want to be someone’s somebody, and if you don’t then I think you may be lying. I want to be someone’s person.

[meunnoticed-blog]

Running on fumes

To many, I’m just someone’s sister. Another person who was meshed into a group of people I would consider my friends. But half the time I second guess if they consider me their friend. I get this overwhelming feeling that I value people more than they value me. I give and give until I realize that I cannot give anything anymore. My gas tank is running low. I suction out my fuel for the people around me, until I’m running on empty. And they say, expect nothing and you will feel no disappointment - but I cannot shake this feeling. I cannot bear to wonder if they even feel the same way as me. Do they see I’m empty? Do they feel I’m empty? I’m running on fumes.

[meunnoticed-blog]

In a crowd

I was supposed to be happy, to feel welcome. A room full of people that “care about me”. Then why do I feel so alone? Why can’t I keep a conversation? Why do I isolate myself? I feel lost in a crowd, even if the crowd is small. I look for a person to lean onto, like a leech to an ankle. Please let me suck you dry until I don’t need your strength anymore. Because in all honesty, do I have any strength of my own?

[meunnoticed-blog]

Off the ride

Why is it that when I feel so extremely happy, so uncontrollably wonderful, that all goes away with one simple thing? One trigger. One remark. One upsetting moment that crushes anything that was once great a minute ago? A mood like a roller coaster and I cannot get off. Once the ride reaches its ultimate speed, it stops. Jerking my stomach into a knot and leaving me wanting to get off. Why can’t I just get off the ride?