mi-s4

[mi-s4]

he.. its been a while...

[mi-s4]

ganteng banget pacar aku!

[mi-s4]

why am i feeling this rls is too heavy....

[mi-s4]

[mi-s4]

i honestly didn’t mean to be so emotional about it. emang salah aku sih, dari awal aku udah sering marah karena kamu ketiduran and turns out it was traumatic for you, i didn’t realize it hurt you that much. aku juga terlalu berekspektasi kalo kamu bakal bales aku dengan lucu juga, i was just trying to be playful, aku mau lucu-lucuan aja, but then it hit me harder than i expected. i cried. not sure why, it just happened.

i know it wasn’t a big deal, but, i cried. a lot. maaf ya aku lebay banget malem ini. aku coba numpahin perasaan aku disini biar lega aja, biar aku gak marah-marah terus lampiasin ke kamu.

waktu siang kita telfon juga.. aku ngerti kamu sibuk dan nggak bisa telfon. aku cuma bilang aja kok kalo kita udah berapa hari gak telfon untuk ngobrol intens, karena aku emang kangen kamu. dan jawaban kamu "aku kan gak bisa", entah kenapa aku sedih kalo kamu respon kayak gitu.. padahal harmless banget, ya?

tiap kita telfon selalu kamu yg terus-terusan ngomong. aku bukannya nggak suka kamu berbagi cerita, aku seneng banget bisa dengerin kamu. tapi setiap aku mau cerita balik pasti selalu ada halangannya.. kenapa ya? dari yg kamunya ketiduran, sibuk sendiri sama grup sampai nggak fokus untuk dengerin aku (but its ok, i tried to understand your priority tho), atau yg kamunya ngalihin obrolan dengan motong omongan aku.. semuanya bikin aku sedih, dan lebih sedih lagi karena saat aku tanya "aku ceritanya kapan" kamu jawabnya "pas kita ketemu" :] aku sedih banget karena aku tau pasti kalo kita nginep kamu akan selalu tinggalin aku tidur. huft ngetik sambil nangis berat juga ternyata.

maafin aku ya..

[mi-s4]

honestly, tumblr’s probably the only place i feel safe enough to say everything right now. at least until the day you somehow find this (entah aku kasih tau atau kamu tau sendiri).

if you ever read all this, i’m sorry. not because i wrote about you, but because some of it might sound like i was upset at you. i wasn’t trying to make you seem like the bad one. i was just overwhelmed, and this is where it all came out.

just needed somewhere to put the feelings that were too loud in my head. and for now, this is that place.

[mi-s4]

crying so hard rn

[mi-s4]

⠀⠀⠀✶ 250617. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

baby, i’m really that happy to be your girlfriend. like... every day i realize more and more that you’re the one person who actually makes me feel heard, seen, and understood. thank you for loving me this much, for being so patient with me even when i’m being clingy or randomly moody. hiks t___t

before i met you, i used to think about ending it all. (srs). suicidal thoughts are always coming back to me. life just felt too heavy, too much. i was exhausted, with everything, even with myself.

i didn’t feel like there was a safe place for me to come home to. not even with my parents. and even though i have friends, i never really felt close enough to tell them everything. so i kept things in. i thought what i was feeling was too small to matter. but it built up. and it hurt. quietly.

and then i met you. slowly, all the things that used to crush me started to feel bearable. not because they magically disappeared, but because you made everything feel... possible. like, “i can do this. i’ll be okay.”

every time my brain tries to convince me of the worst again, i remind myself: i’m living this life with the person i love the most. and that changes everything. truly.

thank you for accepting me the way i am. for trying to understand me even when i barely understand myself. iknow i still have a lot to work on. i still mess up. i’m still learning how to love better. but i promise i’ll keep trying to be someone you can count on, always.

i love you so, so much. more than i can ever put into words. so i made you a playlist. a little mixtape of what my heart sounds like when it thinks of you. each song, carefully picked, because something in it reminded me of you.

i hope when you listen to it, you feel loved. because you really, truly are. ♡

[mi-s4]

⠀⠀⠀✶ 250616. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

she lost an entire pair of shoes on the way to practice. brand new. slipped right out of her bag while she was riding. she walked all the way back to look for them. no luck.

"i cried on the way," she said.

she still went to practice. she always pushes through. but i could tell the rest of her day was still carrying it.

sometimes the day just starts wrong. not because we didn’t try, but because life has a way of misplacing even the things we hold close.

and she deserved better than that today.

[mi-s4]

⠀⠀⠀✶ 250612. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

she texted me out of nowhere today, telling me she caught a cold after swimming. just a selfie with sleepy eyes and a little pout that made me wanna crawl through the screen and hold her.

i replied like usual, told her to take medicine, offered small solutions like “dibawa tidur aja”, but i didn’t really say what i meant to: i wish i could be there, tucking you in with tea and kisses instead of texts.

and maybe today i sounded a little colder than usual. maybe i was still carrying some of last night’s weight, things left unsaid, feelings i didn’t know how to untangle yet. but that doesn’t mean i love her any less. not even close.

[mi-s4]

IT'S MAY DUMP (2)

ordered dimsum for fun, accidentally found religion in the roast duck. 10/10 would cry over it again.

this is my favorite place. no directions, no questions. just two tired hearts syncing their breathing. feel so safe around her <3

[mi-s4]

IT'S MAY DUMP.

it’s our so-called night ride 🌃

cafe date? with matching hats tho :]

we ended up at pecel ayam after, ‘cause the cafe was overpriced and we were still starving.. ^_^

sat on a bench in the middle of a mall pretending it was a real park. it was hot and loud but i liked how she talked like we had all the time in the world <3

we bought matching plushies, matching hats, then screamed sad songs at a karaoke room for an hour. this is what being 20-something and in love looks like, huh.

watched a movie idk remember much of it tbh. was too busy stealing glances at her in the dark.

she sat there scrolling for an hour while i got my hair done. didn’t say a word, just waited. that’s love fr 🥺

[mi-s4]

“if you ever feel warm for no reason, it’s probably me thinking of you again”

sometimes i wonder if you know what you’re doing to me. how your voice stays in my head long after we hang up. how just seeing your name makes me breathe softer.

i wish i could tell you every time i think of you, but it would be all day. and i’d never get anything else done.

so i write it here, in places you may never find. but it’s always been you. always.

[mi-s4]

⠀ three⠀ months ⠀ later ⠀ and⠀ i’m ⠀ still⠀ here,⠀ writing ⠀about ⠀ you⠀ like ⠀ it’s ⠀ the ⠀ only ⠀ language ⠀ i⠀ know. ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ thank⠀ you⠀ for⠀ making⠀ love⠀ feel ⠀ like⠀ home.

[mi-s4]

⠀⠀instagram⠀⠀✶⠀⠀ twitter⠀⠀⠀⠀

welcome to my digital diary: here lies my unfiltered thoughts, scattered feelings, and an unhealthy amount of words about the girl i can’t stop loving. life gets messy, but she’s my constant. so i write. about her. about me. about us. about the in-betweens we share. i don’t always know how to say these things out loud, so i let the words find their way here instead.

⠀⠀ ★ 卡莎

[mi-s4]

forgiveness: i choose to forgive myself, it’s okay to make mistakes, i allow room for growth, i accept and love myself as i am.

[mi-s4]

hi :3