michaela-renee-blog

[michaela-renee-blog]

Skin Blemishes: At the Core

My journey with Products, Diet, Hormones, and Learning to Accept Myself. 

Hello beautiful souls,

Time is slipping by faster than I expected as I’m preparing for my move across the country. It feels a little surreal to be honest. In the midst of finishing up my classes and trying to get my ducks in a row for the move, I’ve also been working really hard to get my health on track… and I’m sure you all can attest to that being way easier said than done!

In all honesty — I am stressed as all get out and really trying to get that under control. When I thought about how I wanted to structure this post, my initial thought was to make it seem like things were fine and just give an update with some advice for those who can resonate with my present journey… but then I realized I’d be leaving out some crucial truths. Things aren’t always peachy, and pretending as if they are hurts no one other than ourselves because living that façade suppresses our true emotions. And Lord knows what gets suppressed will always find a way to surface eventually. So, as said by Gabrielle Bernstein, your wounds are your wisdom. Your wounds have transcended you above that low place; sharing your story is your life credibility and will be what moves others.

So here I am, sharing my truths in

hopes that my light might shine bright

enough to show you yours as well.

My Wound: Adult Acne

It might sound silly but one of my biggest wounds is my adult acne — I’m 20 years old and have had it on and off since age 13. Most of my health reforms and lifestyle changes have actually come from trying to combat it. Of course I spent the first few years trying every acne scrub, cleanser, topical and prescription but they all left me feeling hopeless. My spiritual journey has skyrocketed within the past year and I quickly realized we are what we eat. So I stopped consuming alcohol, dairy, refined carbs and sugar, grains, and most meats. I’d say my diet is mainly paleo but almost vegan. The key to a paleo diet is consuming whole foods- fruits, veggies, nuts, seeds, healthy oils, and lean protein. I haven’t eaten red meat since last year but I sometimes use egg whites in my recipes and have the occasional can of tuna or piece of chicken — no one is perfect but if I do eat an animal product I make sure it’s hormone free.

Some of you might think that sounds miserable but honestly it doesn’t feel like a restricting diet anymore because my body has actually begun to crave these healthy foods. My biggest weakness was chocolate and lucky for me cacao is actually a pretty healthy food as well — in moderation of course! I also traded my daily coffee for spearmint tea (which is good for decreasing androgen levels); this transition is still a little challenging because I LOVE coffee but it’s known to cause lots of inflammation so I gave it up. I also threw out all of my toxic cleansers, makeups, and hair products and have started replacing everything with essential oils and products that are made from plants instead. I stopped taking my acne prescription, Spironolactone (because after 4 months I saw no difference despite it supposedly being the miracle drug for hormonal acne) and replaced it with a vitamin called Saw Palmetto.

You might have noticed my concern with the hormonal aspect of acne. I hypothesize that I have polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) but I haven’t been tested yet because for one, who has the time right now (not this girl) and two, having government provided health insurance doesn’t give me the best medical care options (I’m still grateful to have at least that though). PCOS causes women to have higher androgen levels which produces more sebum and therefore acne; it also causes problems with hair growth, weight loss, menstruation and even fertility. Which concerns me because I currently have the Mirena IUD, which could also be triggering acne and potentially making the PCOS worse — there are just so many factors to control for! I also take an array of vitamins for that, but I won’t bore you with listing them unless you ask me.

Spiritual Cause of Acne

As you can see, this is causing me lots of distress because I’m trying so hard but still with no prevail. Appearance isn’t everything but what gets displayed on our skin is an obvious indication of what’s going on beneath it. So after all this time, I finally looked up the spiritual cause of acne this past weekend. When I tell you what I found you’re probably going to think, “Duh, Michaela I could have told you that” but it was a significant confirmation for me. I found that strong emotions such as worry and stress might be the culprit because they cultivate a spirit of fear. I mean obviously I’m stressed — I set the bar way too high for myself in almost all aspects of my life and am extremely hard on myself whenever I can’t meet those expectations.

I mentally exert myself and work way too hard every day for a degree I don’t even want. As I said in a previous blog, I chose to study psychology my sophomore year and got my very first 4.0 during the first semester. I became addicted to that little number and have pushed myself so hard to meet that expectation again this semester — and currently I’ve succeeded — but at what cost? My mental balance, my skin and my health. That GPA was important for quite some time because I thought I’d be going on to get my doctorate, but I now know that what I want to do doesn’t even require a doctorate. However, I still wanted to get one. For one, because I knew I could and for two, the satisfaction of my fear-based human ego.

I want to be a spiritual leader and help people break away from the chains of instilled fear, encouraged ignorance and their own personal bondage. With this passion, I am often times telling people very uncomfortable, suppressed truths that they might not be ready to hear. This leads to a lot of public rejection which naturally depresses the spirit. This is why I felt it necessary to attain my doctorate and prove to others that I know what I’m talking about. The sad part is, the wisdom I discover can’t be cited from any book or increased with any institutionalized education because it comes to me divinely — when my human thoughts are quieted and my third eye is open.

The third eye can only be open when you have healed your wounds, transcended above your human concerns, and are at a peaceful state of existence because you know that God’s plan is far greater than your own. Participating in any fear based thoughts distances you from this divine reality and for me, rejection is my biggest fear based thought. I’ve been publicly rejected for nearly my entire life — when I was the baby no one wanted, the “poor kid” that didn’t quite know how to fit in with the “normal kids,” the teenager with “daddy and mommy problems,” and finally the college freshman with a drinking problem (not that that’s abnormal at IU though). All of these instances also lead to me disliking and rejecting myself as well. With the skin being the largest filter organ of the body, these negative thoughts and suppressed emotions actually manifested into physical clogs on my face.

Before this weekend, I couldn’t understand why I was still dealing with these clogs now that I’ve taken responsibility for my life and changed nearly every aspect of it. I now understand that deep down I am still dealing with some self-rejection. After a weekend of devastation over my skin, I started my morning by practicing some self-love yoga and when I was finished I whispered to myself, you are worthy of your purpose. I do not know where it came from but as soon as I said it tears started streaming down my face and I felt my body become lighter as my worries and rejection slipped away. I’m repeating this mantra to myself whenever I begin to doubt it because our bodies are our divinely created vessels, sent here from the cosmos to

Follow our hearts.

Live our purpose.

And do so fearlessly.

I must remember that I am worthy of becoming a spiritual leader. I am doing the right thing in following my heart to Arizona. I am wise enough to share the universal truths… and I don’t need to prove anything to anyone. The same goes for you; you ARE enough. We are in this together, as one collective unit and I hope the honesty of my story might help you remember and embrace your truths today. You’ll know you’re warm when you uncover something that brings you great discomfort because that is the place that so desperately needs your attention… and when you find that wounded place, it will be valuable to remember what Rumi said, the wound is the place where the light enters you.

Peace and blessings,

Michaela

[michaela-renee-blog]

Men are Oppressed... Wait, What?

Hello friends,

What a busy semester it has been! I can remember this time last year, as a Freshman at Indiana University, thinking that my academics were hard and the Summer was taking far too long to get here… and boy was I in for a surprise for my Sophomore year! I am currently studying psychology and am enrolled in Research Methodology, Statistics, Careers in Psychology, Biological Mechanisms, Public Speech and rock climbing — but that one is for me. I always try to take at least one credit hour a semester of something enjoyable. However, I might not even need these challenging credits after-all because I will be changing my major to religion in the Fall.

Another life update is my happy-status with my best friend, Spencer. I have never felt this right about anything in my life; I can’t put into words how grateful I am for this one certainty in the midst of so much uncertainty. Through the trials and truthfulness of this relationship, I have been able to learn so much about myself, Spencer, and the world around me. In the past, we definitely dealt with a bit of a power struggle because Spence is amazing at blending into his surroundings and conforming to whatever role is assumed upon him. Since we live in a patriarchal society, he was under the impression for quite some time that men are dominant in all aspects of life… but I could see this illusion was causing his soul to greatly suffer.

A few months ago, I grew deeply fascinated with the lives of the ancient Egyptians but I couldn’t figure out what exactly was drawing me in. Then I realized that it was the balanced power of their matriarchal system. This system has a high regard for balance between the divine feminine and divine masculine; along with nature and the universe. That means that their society equally valued masculine consciousness which focuses on history, math, logic, rationality and science and feminine consciousness which focuses on eternality, spirituality, emotions, and creativity.

When I look back on what first attracted me to Spence (besides our soul-level connection), it was his ambition to be the best, his ability to outcompete anyone, his logical intelligence, his physical endurance and his confidence. These traits are naturally masculine traits which would explain my attraction since I possess the exact opposite, naturally feminine traits such as: compassion for all, ambition to contribute to the greater good, emotional intelligence, and spiritual awareness. Knowing the power of this balance among our souls which have become one, I grew ever more curious about Christianity and why this balance isn’t really mentioned in the Bible.

My persistence to get to the bottom of this lead me to the lost gospel of Mary Magdalene. In this gospel, Peter says to Mary that he knows the Savior loved her more than the rest of the women. It also tells of Mary seeing the Lord in a vision; after asking Him how one who sees the vision can see it, “through the soul or through the spirit,” the Lord answers neither through the “soul nor through the spirit, but the mind that is between the two that is what sees the vision and it is […]” — The rest of the lines are missing but with my knowledge of the human chakra system, I can’t help but assume that the rest of the line would have read “through the third eye.” I know that in order to open one’s third eye and access divine intuition, there has to be a balance of the masculine and feminine in the mind as well.

Considering the politics of this time and the fact that women had no social standing whatsoever, I can see why the patriarchal church might have been incapable of understanding something only the feminine half of the mind could and felt inclined to leave this gospel out of the Bible. Even the great apostle, Peter, struggled to understand and questioned the other apostles if “He really spoke privately with a woman and not openly to us?” To which another apostle, Levi, replied, “if the Savior made her worthy, who are you indeed to reject her?” Another social norm of this time for Jewish men was to be wedded in a holy marriage… maybe Jesus was too? Maybe it wasn’t God’s plan, nor Jesus’s plan for this part to be missing from the story.

I can’t tell you exactly what happened, and it’s hard to cite sources from a superior sense of intuition so I apologize to the more rational, science based folks who want the expert citations. It’s worth noting that I do believe the Bible to be divinely inspired by God but when you add human influence to the mix, nothing can be for certain because the human mind is innately flawed. That leads us to where we are today: somehow surviving for decades an intensely patriarchal system with no sense of balance. On the larger scale, you can see the repercussions of this in the disasters we face every day due to mental imbalance. On a smaller scale, you can see the effects in the men we know and love who think that their evolved ego, competitive ways, and hard shell are essential components of what makes them men. Without equal balance of the feminine, men are being oppressed from their greatest potential without even knowing it.

I saw the suffrage of Spence’s soul that was being held captive by his body and unbalanced mind. In my first attempts to set him free, I probably exhibited too much control and so inevitably failed time and time again. I remember giving up on my mission and deciding to just love him through it and hoped my love would be powerful enough to break the chains. Finally it did and that was when the phrase “love conquers all” began to make sense to me. Strong women (and some men I’m sure) are rising and fighting to bring the feminine out of its long-held suppression and I am so happy to see it- but I am asking you to remember that there are so many weaknesses that lie within the mechanisms of control.

So if you take anything from this blog, let it be that Love Wins.

Until next time.

Reference:

http://gnosis.org/library/marygosp.htm

[michaela-renee-blog]

[michaela-renee-blog]

Yes I Rushed; No I’m Not in a Sorority. Here’s Why:

Hello again, friends!

It’s the first week back here at IU and my mind is racing a mile a minute. What’s new, right? As many of you might know, IU’s sorority rush is currently taking place and I participated... well, for Day 1. It was a great day besides for the freezing cold temperatures; all of my conversations were amazing and it was pretty cool to see inside of some of the greek houses that our university holds so dear. Something bittersweet about being an introvert is that I am constantly internalizing everything I experience. As I went house to house and learned just what it meant to be apart of a sorority at IU, I thought it would really be a beneficial thing for some girls... But I just wasn’t sure if I was one of those girls.

I had a few friends question my judgement altogether after telling them that I would be rushing this year. However, I didn’t let that discourage me- I’m usually pretty comfortable standing by and supporting my decisions whether the public approves or not. In the past, I wasn’t this fortunate though; I was quite the people pleaser and often made decisions that didn’t have my best interest in mind. I missed out on a lot of experiences and happiness because of this fear.  So whether I ended up picking a house or not, I knew I at least wanted to go through the rush process. I went in thinking: Worst case scenario, I go and talk to some girls I already know, get a tour of their houses, and then carry on with my life!

Aside from the general experience of rushing, I of course went in with another goal in mind. I mean, most things we do in life have an anticipated outcome, right? It goes back to a conversation I had with my good friend and roommate, Sylvia. We were having somewhat of an emotional talk about the fact that we have lived for 2 decades with what feels like millions of social interactions, and can only name 2 to 3 girls that we would be proud to have as bridesmaids. No, neither of us are getting married any time soon- but, (and I’m not saying this to scare any of you), we are at the age where it is a fair idea to ponder! I don’t know about you, but that’s a little upsetting to me. So there you have it- without trying to sound too lame, I went in hoping I could make some genuine friendships. 

I was in a rush group of anywhere between 50 and 75 girls, and all day the main question I kept hearing was, “Are you nervous?” I could tell that the majority of these girls had amazing personalities and a lot to offer any house, yet they didn’t seem to know that. It was almost as if they needed that confirmation from somewhere outside of themselves- i.e. the sororities. Another thing that weighed heavy on my heart was the fact that we weren’t allowed to talk about politics or religion. Not that I’m “one of those people” who goes around arguing politics or anything, and I wouldn’t say I’m religious, but what if someone truly finds their identity within their faith? (Note that religion and faith are COMPLETELY separate entities, which I can and probably will talk about in a later blog). 

Why is faith even relevant-- we’re talking about rush, not God, right? Well, every relationship we enter into is either centered with God or Satan. A relationship with God at its core will revolve around love and acceptance. A relationship with Satan at its core probably doesn’t look how you might imagine. On the outside, you can hardly tell a difference. (After all, he is the master of false realities). Satan knows how to make things look good, but when you take a step back, you know it isn’t a relationship crafted by God when it doesn’t feel nearly as good as it looks. The emotional component of our thoughts, better known as the ego, is what crafts these deceiving relationships and all things manifested with an absence of God will eventually perish (I’ll also talk about this more in a later blog). 

I’ve had my fair share of ungodly relationships... but on a more positive note, I had them all young and if I am good at anything, it’s learning from my previous mistakes! I have also realized that our attitudes and corresponding behaviors are essential components in manifesting the events and relationships we desire. If we feel negative on the inside, then only negative things will happen to us; like wise, if we are internally positive, then we are able to attract things that are equally as positive. I’m telling you these things because I wish someone would have told me, but you can’t explain color to a blind person- some things just have to be personally experienced. 

This was sort of a roundabout way of saying that I didn’t drop rush because it was a horrible experience, but because I’ve been on this wild goose chase for far too long, looking in all the wrong areas. I’m not saying that I wouldn’t have found quality girl friends in a house-- I’m sure there’s tons-- but I’m now at a point in my life where I know who I am and what I value, and if I honor these things and stay true to myself, then I’ll be able to attract girls just as true with similar values, naturally. 

On top of that, I am SO EXTREMELY busy. I don’t have time to follow any extra schedules that someone else decides for me. I’m literally up and active from 8am to midnight every day, taking care of responsibilities, reading, working out, and doing miscellaneous things that are important to me, i.e. this blog. Secondly, I’ve recently taken an interest in our one-ness with nature and being kind to our planet by becoming a “reducitarian.” No I’m not a vegetarian or vegan (yet) but I’m trying to eat more plant-based foods and I’m truly enjoying the process of learning how to do this for the well being of myself, my future family, and the world. So another problem I have with living in a sorority house is the fact that meals are provided. 

I’ll touch more on where my life is headed and my paradigms are currently at in my next blog, but for now I’ll wrap up this one up by saying that living in a sorority house is great for some people- but not for everyone. Just like waking up at 8 am to do yoga isn’t for everyone! We are all distinctly different people with different beliefs and different preferences, and that’s okay! How boring of a world would it be if we were all the same? I realized it might not have been God’s voice telling me that I could only find girls I resonate with in a sorority. I also realized that He might have already given me the girls he wants me to invest my time in and maybe that was something I took for granted. So today I challenge you to quiet your ego and reach out to remind the people you care about that they are truly important to you, even if you haven’t spoken in months! You never know what good might come of it. 

[michaela-renee-blog]

Dimensional Realities: Learning from the Ancient Egyptians

I’ve recently felt very fatigued about much of what our society deems as the “truth”. I have been blessed with incredible intuition and God enters my subconscious via Holy Spirit when there’s an answer to be sought. In the midst of finals week, I grew curious about Ancient Egyptian civilization after reading Exodus, the second book in the Old Testament. This new inquisitive attitude toward the Ancient Egyptian culture allowed me to soon stumble upon a paradigm-shifting documentary called: The Pyramid Code. 

The first episode of The Pyramid Code ultimately questions the most common ideologies of egyptologists, specifically the claims that pyramids were built as tombs for pharaohs and their significant others. But why would the Egyptians spend so much time and effort building the largest man-made structures on Earth, at the time, to simply serve them as burial sites? That doesn’t make sense; my instinct leads me to believe there must be a greater incentive or purpose for the pyramid-building Egyptians. Not to mention the “historical” stories about slaves using pulley systems to transport these massive stones 455 feet into the air during a time in which human innovation systems were still archaic - eyebrow raising, to say the least. 

The ancients built many powerful structures, utilizing their environmental elements and the energy naturally existing within their ancient earth. In considering the strategic placement and crafting of these structures, khemitologists, those who study the mysticism behind Ancient Egypt, have reason to believe that pyramids were bio-organic energy devices that used their complex architecture, frequencies of sound, and varying temperatures of water all simultaneously to generate an electromagnetic energy field. This unique atmosphere free from post-industrialization muck might explain the superior spirituality the ancient Egyptians had access to, with divine force being sufficient in defending the Ancient people’s capabilities despite their lack of tangible and intellectual resources.

It’s hard for us to fathom our ancient ancestors being more technologically and spiritually advanced than we are today, but their higher dimensional sensibilities are far beyond the comprehension of a third dimensional mind, one characterizing duality - without a linkage of body and spirit. How many senses do we actively use... five, right? Well, the Egyptians had expanded their minds so extensively that they were able to access and exercise an estimated 360 senses. I too often give our society the benefit of the doubt by theorizing that the unique energies that the Egyptians had immediate access to are scarce today, as human behavior has fostered third dimensional growth, of the body and within the bounds of Earth, substantially more so than fifth dimensional growth, of the spirit. Despite our environmental constraints, I still refuse to excuse the societal agenda in which seeking said higher levels of consciousness is neglected tremendously. 

Quantum physics have proven that our thoughts create our realities and that everything is simply energy vibrating at a certain depth of resonance. A dimension is a gathering of a particular resonance. Third dimensional, fourth dimensional, and fifth dimensional consciousness are not different realities, rather different metaphoric lenses in which we experience reality. Someone in the fifth dimension cannot possibly convince someone in the third dimension to see things their way until the third dimensional person goes through a literal energetic transformation and further generates their own higher frequencies, a gift that I believe comes from our creator, God. 

How do you know what dimension you’re in?

Well, I’ll give you a brief rundown:

Third dimensional reality is characterized by a dark, physical reality revolving around materialistic and superficial thoughts that are controlled by the ego, an intangible force that is manifested within the mind. This is the dominant mode in which our society operates, with their ego’s facilitating and usually dictating their thoughts and actions unconsciously. If one is in the third dimension, they might seek fulfillment from tangible things outside of their corporeal bodies; things such as money, material possessions, relationships, physical attributes, status, etc. One in the third dimension probably resonates with the typical economists’ ideology that resources are scarce, and it likely feels natural to lie, cheat, and compete with others in order to make it because ‘everybody does it’. In the third dimension, your actions are driven by the instincts of your physical reality. Your concept of reality may imply the following: 

        “I am only human.”                  

        “I need another person to make me happy.”

        “I need to own certain things.” 

Your subconscious experience of reality may cause you to think things like:

        “I have to be right.” 

        “It’s okay if I lie, if my reasoning is just.”

        “I am better than they are.”

        “I’m mad because... *insert external factor here*”

By learning to control the mental body, negative experiences can be diminished and enlightenment can eventually be achieved. It’s not easy to control your thoughts, trust me I know.. but negative thoughts are the source of one’s negative experiences. People who live in the third dimension suffer from the illusion of separation from their spirit. The physical senses cannot detect Spirit and until we are at one with our own spirit, we cannot be at one with others’ mind, body, or spirit. 

Fourth dimensional reality is considered the astral plane, where the forces of Light and Darkness meet and where space and time are considered. The link between the third dimensional physical body and the fourth dimension is the emotional body. The emotional body studies the astral plane and the mental body does it’s best to interpret the information it receives (people often experience this reality while under the influence of psychedelic drugs... though I’m not encouraging the use of illegal substances). Those who struggle ascending from fourth dimensional vibrations often steal energy from a third dimensional body in order to get Source energy. Without realizing it, your time in this dimension might be spent working out your “karma”, trying to psychically manipulate others, preaching the right way to serve and be worthy in the eyes of God, etc. 

The attention shifts from the material world to a pursuit of knowledge and understanding. The ego is still present in this plane and it now has resources such as the physical, astral and mind bodies to achieve its worldly purposes. As you start to recognize the absurdity in third dimensional reality, you may describe yourself as “awake” while judging those you feel are still asleep. As the veil is lifted and you start to let go of the rigid concepts you have been conditioned to believe as real, you may become resentful toward the government and other powerful leaders. You might try to bring others with you on this spiritual journey, or notice that many more are being left behind as you can no longer resonate with their lower frequencies of negativity and ignorance. Your ego structure may now be spiritually themed; however, you realize the only way of reaching the next level of consciousness is by eradicating the ego altogether. 

Fifth dimensional reality is characterized by living through love and experiencing complete peace as you shed the third dimensional fears and anxieties. When you consciously pursue ascension, consciousness begins to awaken and you will eventually detach from your ego as you become connected with God, the universe, and the source energy that has always been within us. Rather than blindly following religious rules, you begin to have faith in the divinity of your journey and you focus on healing yourself rather than changing the world. In this reality, you feel no need to deceive others because you recognize soul growth is a unique process for everyone and have detached from the fearful ego that provokes judgement. Those who have ascended note feeling lighter, more loving, more hopeful and more in the “now”. 

Biblical scholars often refer to this period as the “end time” since many of our faith’s seem to be preparing us for the end of something, but really it is just a transitional time prior to experiencing a major evolutionary leap forward where we have a much more enlightened and connected human race. Ancient Mayan prophecy says that after 2012, a “cosmic sky portal” would open and a time for awakening would occur - an event that happens approximately every 26,000 years. Ancient Egyptians were not obsessed with death, as many of us might believe, but the incarnations of dimensional realities and the “afterlife” transition to the stars. This ascension process strives to find oneness with the god-consciousness we were created with; Human consciousness can be described as god-consciousness + thoughts. Gaining control over one’s thoughts and deciphering between the voices within them allows us to become the masters of our existence. 

I can’t help but to think back to the dimensional, mental, and spiritual state I was in a year ago and how dark my very existence was.  I battled a constant feeling of anxiety about what had happened in the past, what might happen in the future, what people thought of me, and how I could simply make it in the third dimensional world. I distrusted almost everything and everyone but rightfully so, when so much of what we are taught is based on a self-serving, third dimensional agenda. I can also now understand why so many people stray away from religion; intellectuals won’t buy it if there’s fallacies in the teachings. I have learned that many people find comfort in believing what they have been told or in shunning the idea altogether. Rather than submitting to learned helplessness, we must seek the answers and strive to better ourselves.

If I told you it was possible to live a happy, loving, and peaceful life, would you believe me? What can you do right now to make that dream a reality? Start today by ignoring or arguing every negative thought that pops into your head. Ignoring them doesn’t work for me so I literally argue with myself, I explain to myself why whatever negative thing that happened is actually a good thing and ask myself what the lesson was. There is no difference between good and bad, there are simply lessons and teachers. If you would like to further your understanding of the three dimensions aforementioned, start here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=clG7ikTkVYE. I encourage you to stay discerning and continue your own research. God will show you the way if you ask Him. 

Special thanks to editor and best friend, Spencer Gareiss. 

Also thanks to Netflix plug, which enabled the viewing of The Pyramid Code, to Christian Horton. 

[michaela-renee-blog]

fireflies

[michaela-renee-blog]

🌟

[michaela-renee-blog]

Beauty in the Struggle

A lot of us don’t understand why finding self-love for some people is such a significant milestone. As I can imagine, the more fortunate of us grew up with parents who loved and supported them; who highlighted their positive attributes while helping them correct their negative ones. Parents who attended their sporting events, doctors appointments, and even graduation. Parents who taught their kids to love themselves through their own unconditional love. When you’ve had that experience, it’s hard to empathize what the contrary might feel like and how it can affect a person. 

I saw my mom sporadically growing up; in between prison sentences when she would temporarily get her shit together. As she did with all my younger sisters as well, she gave up when I was around the age of 3. She chose heroin instead of being a mom and left me at the end of my grandparent’s driveway with nothing but a Walmart sack full of stolen clothes. Despite my grandparents doing most of the heavy lifting when it came to raising me, my dad had custody. He’s a diagnosed bipolar schizophrenic which really just adds up to his reality being completely different than that of a normal human beings’. He was extremely abusive, both physically and emotionally, to me and every other woman he had ever manipulated into his life. 

“You shall be seen and not heard.” 

“You will respect me or you will fear me because I am your Father!” 

These are two statements I heard on the regular, how morbid right? See, it was a very confusing relationship. My dad was my entire world; besides for my grandparents, he was all I had ever known. I would hold onto the good times we had and make excuses for all the bad. I have this wonderful skill (occasional curse) of finding and focusing on the good in everyone. That was my situation and I knew I had no choice but to make the best of it. 

I began confiding in some of my childhood friends the things that would happen behind closed doors and eventually their parents stopped letting them come over altogether. I didn’t have a social life at all; heaven forbid I be involved in any extracurricular activities or hang out with any friends... I wasn’t even allowed to go to school on the days following one of his episodes for his fear that I would tell someone/someone would notice the marks he left. 

I was fearful every single day. He assumed somebody was plotting against him at all times; if I so much as looked at him out of the side of my eye it might have provoked an episode. (Schizophrenics have an overactive fear processor which causes this unnecessary paranoia). This man would run around the back yard with his shotgun if he even heard the wind blow. I watched him bust beer bottles over his girlfriends’ heads, drag them by their hair, burn their clothes, even broke his his ex-wife’s back by kicking her down the driveway on one occasion. In another, forced her into a trash bag and held her at gunpoint until he got tired of the struggle. Shit was insane... but that was just a day in the life. 

This is how I developed my relationship with God. While being locked in my room, trying to tune-out their screams, I often sketched over my wall carving, “I hate my dad.” Through tears and confusion I prayed every day for God to get me out. I told him I would give anything to just get away forever. I attempted running away two or three times but he always found me... I mean, he moved us out in the middle of nowhere for privacy so there wasn’t far to run.

I never officially told on him until the age of twelve- when I started to get a sense for right and wrong and it was no longer just my life at risk. He had his second child, my sister Leevi, when I was ten years old. That little girl was my world and I couldn’t stand the idea of her growing up witnessing the things I had to. I heard her infant body crash to the floor from outside where I was demanded to stay. She began screaming so I looked in and saw my dad whipping her mom with his leather belt on the kitchen floor. That was one of the most horrifying weekends of my entire life. Leaving the yard was one of the hardest moves I had ever made; I always obeyed but this time I heard a little voice telling me it was time to get help. 

I remember telling my step sister through terrified tears that she needed to run to the neighbors and I would follow when the coast was clear; our neighbors were a nice elderly couple who lived about a half-mile up the dirt road. My dad showed up while we were hiding in the bathroom on the phone with the police. He busted out all of their windows and threatened he’d be back with his gun. It literally got to the point where I had to pull a gun on my own father to prevent him from killing me first.

After getting a restraining order, it soon came out that he had been using and selling meth. His house was condemned and he was sent to prison. My sister was adopted to my aunt and I soon moved in with her too. She worked really hard to correct Leevi’s corrupted behavior and always recommended that I get some type of therapy. All I wanted was to finally live a normal life so I refused to get help. I viewed my fresh start as a once in a life time opportunity; a chance to make my reputation whatever I wanted and that was good enough for the time being, considering where I had just came from.  

Looking back, I now realize how the absence of my parent’s love shaped me through every phase of my life. Up until recently, I can honestly say I allowed myself to be mistreated by men and didn’t have the best of relationships with women either. I didn’t set boundaries, I didn’t demand respect, I didn’t genuinely love others, I didn’t say a damn thing really and that was because I didn’t know how to love and respect myself either. Nobody had ever taught me how. 

So that leads me to where I am now: a sophomore in college at Indiana University, supporting myself and trying to find my place and some peace in this world. Deep down, I always struggled with the trauma of my father-daughter relationship. I felt guilty talking about it and burdening others with my problems so I pushed it down and pretended that it didn’t phase me. I tried convincing myself and others that my learned strength and worldly experiences made up for all the scars this relationship left me, physically and emotionally. 

The process of coming to love yourself is different for everyone and we’re all in different stages of the journey. When you have been conditioned to believe that you are nothing more than the scum on the bottom of someone else’s shoe, what switch are you supposed to flip to overcome that? It’s sad to say but a lot of people in situations like mine might not ever escape it; it might hinder their growth and negatively affect their relationships for their entire lives and what’s worse is the outside world would rather judge them for it than help them through it. It’s easy to judge, but strong minds will seek to understand. 

I still haven’t been to therapy but I started my healing process by being entirely (and sometimes brutally) honest with myself and others. Nothing will free you like the truth can and I don’t have a damn thing to be ashamed of. I couldn’t control my upbringing, sometimes the odds are just against us, but I can control how I let it shape me and what I do with it from here on out. I recently did a lot of soul searching, and even more praying. I asked God to flood my heart and make me okay again. And now that I know how to love myself, I am able to love others which is the greatest of all human capabilities. 

I don’t have any regrets or hard feelings. I know my mom left me because she was weak, and she never learned how to love herself or trust in her abilities of being a good mom. And my dad, well that man just needs help. He suffers enough inside his own mind, I don’t need to suffer too by holding grudges. Not to get off on a tangent, but prison does not help these people. If we would focus more on preventative care and mental health then we could focus less on the repercussions of those who need it. Having an addiction is equivalent to having a mental illness, and odds are the substance abuse issue developed from these people self-medicating their untreated mental illnesses. I’ll save that for another day though.

Anyways, moral of the story: Judge less, love more, be faithful to yourself and more importantly, to God. He will take care of his children; maybe not right away or according to your desired time frame but everything happens for a reason. Even the bad things. I’ve seen a lot, and I’ve lost even more but I never once felt like I was entirely alone. Despite everything, I can still see the beauty in this world and its people. Life is truly what you make of it, so why not make it a good one? 

[michaela-renee-blog]

Does it really take one to know one?

My loved ones have always been amazed at the types of social interactions I find myself involved with. I always sort of thought “well whatever, I know I attract ‘crazy people’ for whatever reason so I’m used to my interesting encounters.” Recently I started struggling with the whole, it takes one to know one statement. I started wondering what characteristics I portray that attracts these mentally complex individuals. Do I attract them with my empathetic personality or am I subconsciously attracted to them as well?

I’ve always been drawn to intelligence, ambition and confidence. Not only in a partner, but in friends as well. I recently went to dinner with a friend and we got into some pretty deep conversations covering my analyses on another loved one. I was telling her about someone I care deeply for who I believe is struggling with an antisocial personality disorder of either sociopathy or psychopathy. For privacy’s sake, I’ll refer to the friend I was at dinner with as Linda and the friend I was seeking advice on as Stephen. 

Stephen is very charming, witty, and successful in all his endeavors...yet lacks remorse, fear, and emotional empathy altogether. Because of this, he can manipulate nearly any situation to be one that is in his favor. He has above average cognitive empathy meaning since he is mentally superior to most people he can understand their feelings and work off of them to manipulate their interpretations. People with psychopathy often consider life to be a game in which their every action follows the desire of getting others to buy into their reality/facade. People with these traits tend to make either really good business people or really good criminals. Until I started studying him, I wasn’t aware of how much research was really lagging on the non-criminal end of the spectrum. 

Anyways, what classifies something as a disorder? If these "antisocial” people do not have any maladaptive symptoms due to their different neurology, is there really anything in need of fixing? We’re so quick to refer to anything that differs from current societal values as a disorder. The average human mind doesn’t have the mental capacity of understanding these individuals. We also fail to see the positive in their traits. I’m not oblivious to the fact that lacking emotional empathy makes for a morally corrupt person, but these people are typically so intelligent that they can train their brains to do what is morally right whether they can relate with the emotional feelings of their actions or not. 

I’ve known Linda for a little over a year and went into the conversation well aware of her own relation to the topic. She looked at me in slight discomfort and said, “Who in the hell invited you into the club? I know you’re not like us... I don’t know why, but you understand us. Did you sneak into one of our meetings or what?” I was dead... Linda knows how to humor me. So that’s when I shared with her my own concerns. I told her that understanding the human mind was just my innate talent; I told her that I believe I have the same intelligence as a sociopath in that regard, yet I know I’m not one and I can’t figure out why I’m different. 

That’s when she gave me this analogy: “Being a sociopath/psychopath is like being the wizard in the Wizard of Oz. I can manipulate everyone in the crowd to believe that I am right there with them when in reality, I’m actually the one behind the curtain running the show and pulling all the levers. But most people are too incompetent to notice... And then there’s you. You’re my only friend who can also see behind the curtain but you don’t capitalize on your opportunity to pull the levers. Because you’re not self-serving like I am, you use your knowledge to help others understand.. and to help the people like me who can’t resist their innate urges of control and manipulation.” 

After that we looked at each other in comfortable silence for a while. I asked her if my knowledge made her uncomfortable and she said no because, despite having similar skills, I have completely different intent with mine and that’s what makes us different. Then she said, “Plus, it’s no fun being able to fool everyone. I need at least someone in my life who can understand; who I can nudge at the end of the day and ask if they saw the way I did that earlier and know that they get it.” It can be discomforting, but people like this are often times looking to be understood and to be challenged a little. 

What I want people to know is they don’t need to be fearful- an antisocial personality disorder does not make someone a monster. The trick to not getting manipulated by them is being informed and aware of it. Call them on their shit; chances are they’ll laugh and fist bump you for your own intellect. Or if they smell your uncertainty, they might manipulate you out of your previous hypothesis- so be confident!

The problem is, you can’t figure this out in a single Google search. The more I study this, the more I realize just how many of the pieces have yet to be put together. We are in need of so much research but I have faith that science and society will eventually catch up. Another idea to ponder here is evolution and our culture’s selective pressure for these kind of traits. To be successful in today’s day and age, you almost have to have a little narcissism which explains its increasing presence. 

Society is ever changing, but we really need to think about what makes something a disorder. The more you know, the more you’ll come to appreciate the thin line between intelligence and insanity. Just remember, almost everyone who has left a lasting impact on the world was once denied by society for their differences. They were considered insane simply because society didn’t have the mental capacity of understanding their complex insight. 

God didn’t make a mistake in any of his creations, there’s a purpose for everyone and everything. You just need to open your eyes and see it. 

[michaela-renee-blog]

Pilot

I’m going to start by saying that not only am I new to tumblr but I’m also new to this whole online journal idea. I’m used to sharing my thoughts with with others (invitation or not, I find it better to get things out than let them sit inside unsettled) and myself via journal but I’m finding that as my mind grows, so does my need for greater reflection opportunities. 

As I continue, I’m sure you’ll begin to notice a trend here: mental, spiritual, and physical health. If you don’t believe in love, God, and finding internal peace then these probably won’t be the blogs for you but I’ve recently came to some pretty life-changing discoveries that I can’t resist sharing. My moral obligation to help others reach their own equilibrium flourished when I found mine... I’m an extreme empath; it’s like, someone even considers feeling some type of way and I can feel it through my veins. So ultimately, a happier world is a happier Michaela.

Before this Summer, I had never attempted to explore my true self. I mean, looking back I can honestly say I did not know who the hell I was and that caused me so much internal and external conflict. It’s not like I intentionally avoided it but growing up as an empath with such an unstable family left me trying to help everyone else before ever getting the chance to consider my own well-being. It was comfortable for a while, I mean all the way up through high school it seemed to me that most people were only living surface deep so I still wasn’t aware of what I wasn’t aware of, ya know?

Then I came to college and the more I learned, the less I wanted to settle. I found myself unhappy in almost every area of my life whether that be my friendships, family, relationships, classes, reputation, faith, all of the above... What was wrong with the world, right? Why is my luck the worst? Why does everyone always have to inconvenience me with their crap all the time yet nobody cares about mine? I’m not kidding these were real-life consistent thoughts of mine! I ended up in a really dark place and wasn’t sure how to escape (but I was cognizant of the issue which is the first step toward overcoming anything!!). 

First you have to own it. I mean you have to take full responsibility and realize that all of your successes and failures in life are on you. Often times people find it more comfortable to blame others for their deficiencies but how is denial going to help you grow? Trick question, it won’t. I began my journey with two books, How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie and The Courage to be Yourself by Sue Patton.. highly recommend both. I was then able to see and own my co-dependency issues, my insecurities and negative thoughts, my unfaithful heart, and my self-fulfilling demeanor toward people. 

Sue Patton talks a lot about taking care of your “inner child.” She says that if you don’t take care of them, who will? I thought a lot about this and realized that I almost never listened to myself or trusted my own judgement. I let others tell me what was best far too often despite deep down knowing the right answers. I wasn’t taking care of myself and was growing resentful when others weren’t taking care of me either- I didn’t realize I needed to be leading by example. I started to pray about it; I asked God to help me listen to myself and to him and things really started turning around. 

I also learned a lot from Dale Carnegie. For this blog, I’ll stick to the main thing I learned: If you want to have a good friend, you need to be a good friend. I started becoming genuinely interested in others; investing in people is never the wrong investment. I started making more of an effort to listen to my friends and prove to them that I care and I noticed that they were beginning to care more about me in return. I wasn’t showing my loved ones that I thought they were important and obviously- what goes around comes around. 

So what inspired this first Pilot post? This past weekend I went horseback riding with my little sisters in Brown County. The drive from Bloomington was around an hour but the incoming Fall leaves made for a nice drive with lots of reflection time (as an introvert, that’s my fave). I thought about a lot of things... I thought about my friends and family and how I wish they were more accepting of themselves now that I see how it makes for a more peaceful life. I thought about God’s love and the strength it gives me every day to get up and do things that I used to think were impossible. I thought about the change I made in my heart and mind and how it changed my entire life... and while I was thinking all of these things I was driving on the same road behind the same 10 cars for the past 15 miles. I was keeping my distance by a few feet because I find it to be safer that way (plus I’ve been in two car accidents where I was guilty of rear ending the car ahead of me smh). The car behind me went out of his way to get around me and obtain the position of second to last in the 10-car-lineup. I watched him slam on the brakes each time everyone ahead of him did and I thought, how silly? 

If I wouldn’t of had the alone time I did this Summer, I wouldn’t of ever had the time to figure out my true identity. Everyone is always trying to “Keep up with the Joneses” and honestly I find that to be exhausting. Sometimes you have to distance yourself from the crowd to find your individual path. (Or distance yourself from the cars ahead to see the big picture). 

You have to realize that your life is worth it and your answers are good enough. So I challenge you to take some time for yourself... Stop trying to be what you think the world needs you to be and embrace yourself and what makes you happy.. Fall back from the crowd and let me know how you like the view. 

[michaela-renee-blog]

send my love to your new lover ♥♥♥♥♥