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michellesaddictedlife-blog · 9 years ago

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Sunshine

So I went back to Marie’s treatment center, I didn’t want to but it was my only choice. My car was totaled, I didn’t have a job anymore and I wasn’t going to be able to pay my rent. My best choice was to go and move back to Blythe but God had other plans for me. When I was back in treatment I didn’t want to be there so I was just floating through the program. I didn’t even finish the whole 60-day program before I left and had Steven come and pick me up. I remember calling him to come get me and I waited outside of Starbucks for 3 hours until Steven was finally there. He came to get me and my plan was to go right back to Blythe but he knew that if we went to Blythe that I wouldn’t be with him because I was sober. So he held me hostage in Palm Desert for a few days when I finally had enough and had him take me to Blythe. He went and dropped me off in front of my mom’s store, with all my stuff. My mom didn’t know this was all happening until she walked outside and saw me sitting there with my luggage.

I did good for a few months. I helped my mom deliver little Debbie’s and I went to some meetings that the rehab center in Blythe held. My mom took me to get my next tattoo which means a lot to me.

I also found out that I had a warrant out for my arrest from the whole check writing situation. So my mom asked me if I was ready and I was. She called her ex-boyfriend that was in Law Enforcement and he was the one to come pick me up and book me. I was so nervous, I didn’t know how long I was going to be in there, I didn’t know what to expect in there and I was scared. He came to pick me up and was already in tears. When I got to the jail it was horrible. It was freezing and I told my mom I was going to be strong, but I was already calling her telling her I can’t do it and to bail me out. Of course, she didn’t, but it would’ve been nice. Blythe jail is only for men, so I was transferred to Banning Jail where they house both male and female. I believe I was sentenced 6 months but only served 10 days. In those 10 days, I was nick named “Sunshine” because I was so smiley and happy. I guess that’s the only way to make the days go by were to be positive. The girls braided my hair and all that good stuff and then on the 10th day I got called to roll it up, which means pack all your stuff you’re going home. I got fed kicked, which happens because the jails are over populated so the people with non-violent crimes get released. I was sober when I went in, but on my way out I was in relapse mode. I don’t know what happened but jail made me want to get high.

I got out and continued to go to meetings but it was awkward because it was a male facility and I was the only chick there when it was time for the meeting, so I just got stared at the whole time and literally learned nothing at the meeting. Another problem, Matt was starting to come around the meetings. My ex-boyfriend and he was on heroin, coming to meetings. I knew that he was doing heroin but because I was sober I didn’t want anything to do with him. Steven and I were on a break because whenever I get clean I don’t really want anything to do with him. But anyways, there was one day when I was bored after helping my mom, and I decided to hit up Matt. I asked him if he wanted to go to a meeting with me knowing that he was getting high. I went to pick him up and I asked him if he had anything, which he did, and I got high. I threw up right away because it had been so long since I last used, my body rejected it, but I didn’t care. We ended up going to the meeting that night, high. We had to go to the meeting because I was using my mom’s car, and she drove by the meetings whenever she didn’t go with me to make sure I was where I said I was going to be. But after a while I knew she wasn’t driving by anymore and I didn’t care to go to the meetings especially because I was getting high.

My mom ended up kicking me out and so I went to go stay with my best friend Daniel. Daniel was always at work and I was always at his house by myself. I was struggling to figure out a way to get money every day to feed my addiction, but I hustled and figured it out like always. Steven and I were going through a rough patch because he was abusive and not very loyal to me. My friend Alicia would come get me and run me around or just drive around and talk. Even though Alicia and I used together, we had this relationship where no matter what she always had my back and I always had hers. Still do to this day. But one day we were driving around and just so happen to see Steven pulling up to the smoke shop so I had her pull in after him. She didn’t want too because she knew that if I started talking to him again, it was all over. And sure enough, I went with him and didn’t leave his side for about 2 years. See, Steven and I were very unstable but we did love each other, or at least I thought he loved me and I thought I loved him. But I feel like I kept going back to him because it was comfortable and I was used to him.

He lived in an apartment with his friend and his friend caught me smoking heroin in the bathroom one day and gave Steven until a certain date to move out. Steven wasn’t good at that kind of stuff; paying bills, finding a place to live, all that adult stuff. He just provided the money, so I found us a place to live on the East Side of town. It was a cute one bedroom apartment on the bottom floor. It was pretty big for an apartment. We went to Target and he let me pick out all the decorations so I can make our place “homey.” But no matter how many decorations there was on the wall, our home never felt like home. I did heroin and he sold drugs, it was nothing like home. He sold weed and cocaine and didn’t like who I bought drugs from because he always thought I was up to something with my drug dealer, which I never was, but because he was always up to something, it was his guilty conscience. Anyways, he didn’t like me doing heroin, but I wasn’t going to stop, so it was either accept me doing heroin or don’t have me at all. He started selling heroin so I didn’t have to go through anyone else. Of course, he wasn’t very successful at it because I used it all but it kept me under his wing for a while.

When his supply started to disappear, I decided it would be a good idea to quit. I had him go to the store and get all kinds of vitamins and some Xanax so I could sleep. The day came where everything was gone and it was the time to detox myself from heroin. The last thing I remember about that day is taking one Xanax. The next thing I remember is waking up in a hospital bed, by myself with no shoes on. The story from my mom is that I took the rest of the Xanax, 20 of them, and I blacked out. I don’t know how my mom and her boyfriend got involved but my mom’s boyfriend had to sternum rub me all the way to the hospital. I was dead, and the first thing I did when I left the hospital was go to the dope dealers house, shoeless. I was out of control and didn’t remember anything that happened. But none of that stopped me. Nothing would stop me until I was ready to be stopped.

That trip to jail wasn’t the only trip to jail, I went to jail multiple times after that because I wasn’t checking in with my probation officer. It was horrible, going in jail withdrawing. I hated jail and never wanted to go back, but I did. I kept going back and getting out, going back, getting out. One time, Steven and I were driving to San Diego for the day and I wanted to stop and get a hotel room so I could sleep. Come to find out the hotel I decided to stop at was a known drug hot spot. We both got arrested that day, he had a warrant for drug sales, and I had a warrant for not checking in with probation. He bailed out and left me in. I come home 10 days later after being fed kicked to a destroyed house and messages on my phone from different girls. He had cheated on me with 2 different girls in a matter of 10 days. And he wasn’t the one to tell me about them, they were. (Well only one of the girls told me the truth, the other one didn’t have any respect.) Anyways, I ended up leaving and I don’t know where he went but he wasn’t staying at our apartment anymore. One day I decided to go in and sell everything that he bought for our house. He didn’t like that very much, but I didn’t like the fact that he cheated on me while I was in jail. So I sold everything and he came to apologize, of course me being on drugs accepted the apology and took him back, justifying his actions because “I was in jail, he was lonely” so it was okay. It wasn’t okay and it wasn’t the last time either…

Going to jail sober was good but something about being in jail made me want to get high. Everyone was talking about drugs, people in the holding cells couldn’t wait to get out and get high. Jail was a trigger and I didn’t even know.

I feel like the only reason why I ever got back with Steven was because it was comfortable. And the only time I was with him was because I was getting high. There was a time when I wanted to get help and he wouldn’t let me leave because he knew if I got clean there would be no more US. I was held hostage in that relationship and I didn’t even care to change it.

I go back and try to find pictures of this time of my life but I can’t find any, because I didn’t take any. I was miserable and you can tell by the pictures that I did take.

I don’t really like writing about this part of my life, because it was horrible. I wasn’t doing anything but getting high and stuck in a bad relationship. There really is nothing to write about but that and it makes me sick.

#MyAddictedLife

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michellesaddictedlife-blog · 9 years ago

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Running on Self-Will

That trip to Blythe was the key to Pandora’s box and I had no idea at the time. So after being in Blythe for the weekend I came back home to Temecula where I was working and staying at Marie’s sober living house.

That year for Thanksgiving I wasn’t allowed to go back to Blythe since I had relapsed, and Marie was taking all the clients to go stay in a cabin up in Big Bear, so she had my little sister come with us. It was so fun and I hadn’t really spent much time with my little sister since I started using drugs. My little sister made baked brown sugar apples with caramel sauce, we all helped in the kitchen, played board games, and enjoyed each other’s time. I remember having to take her back home and I was so sad, I missed her so much and I hated myself for missing so much of her life.

Going back to the sober living was starting to get frustrating. Marie didn’t really agree with my relationship with Steven, so I wasn’t able to really hang out with him at all, and if I did hang out with him it was because she didn’t know. I would always have to hide my relationship. I couldn’t go to Blythe when I wanted too and I wasn’t able to do what I wanted pretty much. It was all in my best interest but because it wasn’t what I wanted then I felt like I was being trapped and didn’t like it. I was still working and doing what I was supposed to be doing but Marie wasn’t going to let me go to Blythe for Christmas and that was it. I had enough and I was leaving. I packed my stuff and I had Steven and Alicia come to Temecula to stay with me until I found a place to live. We rented a hotel for the weekend and I had until Monday to find somewhere to live because I had to return to work on Monday. It was Sunday evening when I finally found a room to rent in someone’s house. I went to go look at it and Steven payed the rent for the first month because I have trouble saving money. I moved in what little stuff I had and that was that.

I didn’t feel safe at the house though, it was weird. I always felt like someone was watching me so every chance Steven got, he came to stay with me. I was finally happy, he was coming to see me, we were going out of town doing fun things, spending time with each other, it was good for a while. He would usually come down on the weekends so on the week I would just work and come home by myself. That’s what really got to me, was being by myself. One day I got a bright idea to message one of the girls that was in treatment with me and I knew she was getting high, so I asked her if she knew where to get any heroin. She did, and I went to go pick her up along with the drug. That was the very beginning of a whole new run for me. I did it once and thought that it was okay for me to do it occasionally. But occasionally turned into every day, the cycle had started all over again. I remember going to San Marcos, CA with Steven’s family for Christmas and being so stressed out that I didn’t have enough drugs to last me and I was going to start going into withdrawal. I hated it, but loved it at the same time.

I was still working as the property manager and doing good but as time went on and my addiction was getting worse, I “wasn’t making enough money.” I had all the company checkbooks and credit cards so I started to write checks in the middle of the week to myself.

Valentine’s Day came around and the movie “50 Shades of Grey” came out, and my mom and I had planned to go watch it together. At this time, she didn’t know I relapsed but soon enough she would find out. We were going to meet half way in Hemet, CA and on my way there I was getting high and decided to make a U-turn in a non-U-turn section. I got in my first car accident ever. It wasn’t very bad but I couldn’t drive it anymore. So I parked it in a Home Depot parking lot and my mom came to pick me up. It was my little sister, my mom and I and we were walking to the movie theater when I fell straight on my face. I don’t know exactly what happen, but I do remember the look my mom gave me. She knew I was getting loaded, the look said it all. So after I wrecked my car, I went to get a rental. It was a black Toyota Camry I believe. It was cute.

March 4th is my mom’s birthday and that year I went to go “see her” for her birthday. I drove my rental car to Blythe and don’t think I even saw her for her birthday. I was with Steven in the beginning of my trip, but by the end of the trip I was hating Steven. When I got to Blythe, Cristian had reached out to me asking for help, little did he know I had already relapsed. But I went to go pick him up and we ended up getting high together and I ended up cheating on Steven that night. Well, Steven found out and I was staying with Alicia at the time, so Steven drove by Alicia’s house and threw a brick through my rental car windshield. That didn’t go very well because he ended up paying for it. You see, I had a lot against Steven because he sold drugs. So, in order for him to pay for the windshield that HE broke, I had to threaten him by saying I would call the cops, which I should’ve done anyways but I was getting high so that probably wouldn’t have ended well with me.

The day came where I had to get back to Temecula to go to work, and I had no car. So Alicia ended up driving me back and I was so bad in my addiction, that on the way back I was nodding off while on the phone with a client and Alicia had to take the phone and finish my phone call. I remember getting back to Temecula and going straight to the bathroom at work to get high. I ended up getting my Malibu back from the shop, and a tow company had to get the rental car from Blythe. I’m not exactly sure what happened with the rental car, but I do know that I’m not allowed to get a rental car for a while.

Steven and I got back together and the relationship from there was toxic. We were bad for each other, but also good at the same time. The bad times were bad, but the good times were amazing. By this time, he knew that I was using again but he couldn’t really do much because I was going to do what I wanted and if he didn’t like it then he could leave. But he loved me, and was going to do whatever it took to make it work. One time, in the middle of the night, I woke up to Steven going through all my stuff. He found all the check receipts and my box full of foil which was covered in heroin. He asked what the receipts were for and I told him that I had to deposit checks for work, I don’t think he believed me but what else could he do. A few days later, I had just picked up drugs and I was in the bathroom. He knew what I was up too and searched for the drugs until he finally found them. He threw the drugs in the toilet and I flipped out. He didn’t want me to get high and tried to stop me but I would always find a way to get high. That night he took off with my car and I had spent the last of my money. I eventually found a way to get drugs and I had one of my roommates take me to get my car which he abandoned.

Our relationship started to get abusive; physically, emotionally, and mentally. It was dangerous. So Marie came to get me one day and had me stay at the house with the clients for a week. I was so sick in my addiction that I was getting high in the house while the clients were asleep but I did not care.

One day at a drug deal I met a girl named Rose. Rose and I became friends and I decided to hire her as my assistant. It started off well because we both did heroin, and we were both good at what we did for work. But one day, she found out that I had been writing myself checks and wouldn’t write her any so she told my boss. My boss called me into the office and asked me what was going on, I was so embarrassed. I really thought that I was going to get away with what I was doing, and I did for quite some time. He fired me and I sat in my car out in the parking and cried hysterically for about an hour. That was the day that I decided I was not going to get high off heroin anymore. I lost my job, I couldn’t pay my rent, my car was about to get repossessed and I was lost in my addiction. I wanted to get off heroin but I didn’t want to go to treatment again.

A few days after I got fired, I was taking Suboxone which helps with withdrawals. I was getting ready to pack all my stuff and go to Blythe when I decided it would be a good idea to go get some meth. Turns out, it wasn’t. I had just got my drugs and was coming out of an apartment complex to cross the street and go into another apartment complex, when I got tee boned. My car was totaled and I had no idea what to do. I had meth on me, I was high and it was my fault. I don’t remember exactly how Marie found out, but she did and she had someone come get me and take me to the house. After that I was back in treatment and really had no choice. I didn’t exactly want to be there, but I didn’t have anywhere else to go.

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michellesaddictedlife-blog · 9 years ago

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Not Quite...

So the day comes where its finally time to stop beating myself up. I was done getting high, I was done stealing from people, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and I was ready to change my life. Cristian and I went to my mom’s house to wait for the rehab people to come and pick me up. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. All I know is that I was going to go get better in rehab and Cristian was going to get better at his brother’s house.

The owner for the treatment center arrived with 2 other people. They showed up in a Prius, all hyper from drinking Starbucks. They drove 3 hours from Temecula, CA just to come get me, not knowing if I was really going to come with them or not. I had no insurance and the owner knew my family really well, so she scholar shipped me in her program. I remember sitting on the floor watching one of the women search through my stuff. She pulled out all my shorts and said they were “too short.” It was summer, and I was already over the program. But I went anyways. I said my goodbyes to my mom, my little sister and Cristian, not knowing what the future held.

I slept the whole way back to the house in Temecula, Lola on my lap sleeping as well. I woke up the next day regretting my decision to come to rehab. I was hot, cold, sweating, shivering, I couldn’t sleep, my legs were restless, I was throwing up while having diarrhea at the same time, I couldn’t eat, I didn’t want to move, my whole body ached; I was going through heroin withdrawals and I felt as if I were dying. The owner, Marie, believed that it was best to go through withdrawals cold turkey. So that’s what I did. She had a mixture of vitamins called the Thomas Recipe that she gave me, but they didn’t help much. I couldn’t shower, and I definitely was not capable of taking care of Lola. My poor baby, I know she felt my pain. My body hurt so bad, I wasn’t able to get up, walk down the stairs and let her out to use the restroom, so Marie had to give her back. My mom lived too far away, and Cristian’s brother lived about 45 minutes away so she sent Lola to be with Cristian and his family. I remember asking Marie how many days I had to be there, I already wanted to leave. At the time, I was the only client in the house and there was no cable or Wi-Fi, just 3 DVD’s. I must’ve watched the movie “127 Hours” 7 times.

I was on a 2-week black out where I couldn’t have any contact with Cristian or my mom or anyone, but Marie knew how much Cristian meant to me and she let me contact him. The first time I talked to him, he was at his brother’s house detoxing himself just like we had planned. I felt like crap but I was happy that we were finally going to be a normal happy couple when this was all said and done.

At the time, Marie had 2 houses. One for the females, which was only myself, and one for the guys. A few days after I got there she had all the clients go to Moonlight beach in San Diego. I was still detoxing but was excited to be out in the sun. All the guys were surfing and having a good time, and I remember looking around wishing that I could smile and laugh again like everyone else. I felt like crap but the sun made me feel better. I fell asleep laying on my stomach, and when I woke up the whole back side of me was purple. I was so sunburnt, I couldn’t even move. Add the sunburn on top of the withdrawals, I was a mess. After the sunburn started to fade, and my withdrawals were gone, I was starting to feel like…Shelly again. I was no longer grey in the face, I was able to eat which meant weight gain, I was smiling and laughing, I was coming back to life.

Cristian and my mom were in contact with Marie a lot, so Marie knew what was going on before I did. (Which was probably a good thing.) Cristian had my car when I left for treatment so he could drive to his brother’s house to get sober. But the second time I talked to Cristian he was no longer at his brother’s house. He “couldn’t take” the pain of the withdrawals and went back to Blythe. My mom knew the property manager of our apartment that we were renting, and so when the property manager talked to my mom she asked my mom if Cristian abused me. The house was bad when I left but I guess after I left Cristian destroyed it a little more. I left all my belongings at the apartment for Cristian and my mom to handle, but when my mom went to go pack the rest of my stuff, there was nothing to pack. All my stuff was gone; my clothes, my shoes, my pictures, my everything. I still to this day don’t really know what happened to all my belongings. I didn’t really care though, all I wanted was for Cristian to get clean with me. I didn’t care about my stuff, about the house, about what other people thought of us, all I cared about was him. That’s why I went to treatment in the first place; for him, for us.

Anyways, while in treatment Marie took care of me like I was her own child. She treated all her clients like that. She opened the treatment center because she was tired of all the corrupt rehabs and she wanted to make a difference. During the week, I sat in group to learn about my addiction and on the weekends, she took us to San Diego to this beautiful retreat where we rode horses, swam in a salt water pool, barbecued and enjoyed ourselves. She took us bowling, we went to the beach, we went roller-skating, it was like a vacation.

I still loved Cristian, but I was changing my life and he wasn’t. So, when my 60 days were up and it was my time to graduate, my mom got my car back from him and she drove up to celebrate my 60 days. My little sister and my mom’s boyfriend came along and I was so excited.

I was really excited to get my car and my phone back but when it came down to it, those 2 things were my downfalls. I was too worried about what everyone else was doing, and I forgot why I had moved to Temecula in the first place. I continuously tried to save Cristian and when he let me down I immediately found a new boyfriend to occupy my mind. Steven and I knew each other from middle school, we used to ride the same bus when I first moved to Blythe. All my attention was on him. I forgot about my sobriety, and focused in on our relationship.

When I graduated the program, it was a requirement that I get a job. I put in applications everywhere and one day Marie told me she might have a job for me. Marie was a Real Estate agent so she knew pretty much everyone in that industry. It was at a Real Estate company as the property manager for one of her good friends. Me? Real Estate? No way, but Marie saw something in me that I didn’t see in myself. The day came for my interview and I was so nervous. I put on my best interview outfit and went to a cute little restaurant to meet with the boss.

The interview went good, I knew it. I got a call later that day saying that I got the job. I was so happy! Marie took me to Kohl’s to get some professional clothes and I started to work. I loved my job. I loved dressing up, I loved showing big houses, I just loved everything about it. And I was good at what I did.

That year, I went to Blythe for Halloween…big mistake. My mom was in the hospital and I was too worried about being seen then I was spending time with her. I didn’t even make it to the hospital. I was too busy trying to make sure I saw everyone I knew. I went to a party and met Steven there. Alicia and I had made up by that time, and she was at the party as well. So Alicia and I went out to Stevens house with Steven and one of his friends. I relapsed that time while in Blythe, but I don’t remember when or where or with who. I remember telling my mom I relapsed at the tattoo parlor in Temecula because I was getting my calves tattooed, but I told Marie that I relapsed when I went to Blythe.

I honestly don’t remember what happened, all I know is that I slipped up and had to start my days all over again. It was just a slip up, so I didn’t have to go back into treatment or anything like that. Only if I knew what that “little slip up” was going to lead too….

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michellesaddictedlife-blog · 9 years ago

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Car Trouble

So, let me back up a little bit. Before Cristian moved down to Blythe, my mom, little sister and I went on a little vacation with one of my mom’s friends to Sea World. My mom took me to get my first tattoo. We got one together. On her arm, it says “I love you most,” and on my arm, it says “I love you more.” It was our saying together and I was so excited to finally have a tattoo. Since we were already going to be in San Diego I wanted to go get Cristian, but my mom didn’t agree with our relationship since we got together soon after Matt and I broke up. But I didn’t care. Cristian kept coming down to Blythe to stay with me until the weekend turned into a week. Then that week turned into 2 weeks. And so on and so forth.

Cristian moved down to Blythe with my family and I. I only worked for Kmart for so long after him moving to Blythe because I gave my 2-week notice. I gave my 2-week notice thinking that I was going to move with him, but instead he moved in with me and I didn’t have a job. I had too much pride to ask for my job back after he ended up moving to Blythe instead of me moving with him. So, we were both jobless, living with my mom and little sister doing heroin. I started applying for jobs and getting interviews but the heroin limited my performance at interviews. I remember one time I had an interview at a bank, I hadn’t had any heroin yet and we were struggling making money, so I went into the interview withdrawing. I am good at math, and counting money and making a good impression, but my hands were clammy, I was shaking, I was sweating, I was withdrawing from heroin and I blew it. I obviously didn’t get the job and we were kind of screwed. So what do we do now? Well, I started to sell everything that I owned. I sold my clothes, my shoes, my PS3, my TV… everything that I could make a dollar off of. As soon as all my stuff was gone, I started to sell everyone’s else’s stuff. I stole my little sisters Wii, her TV, I started stealing money from my mom’s wallet, anything that I could make money from. I didn’t feel any remorse.

That only lasted so long until my mom had enough. She ended up kicking us out and Cristian didn’t want to ask his family if we could stay with them so we lived in my car. By that time, I had run my car to the dirt. The transmission was going out and I’ve had bricks thrown through the windshield and it was just a mess. So, I had it parked in the apartment complex’s parking lot and that’s where we lived for a few days. My mom delivered the snacks “Little Debbie’s” so when she kicked us out, she gave me a box of Honey Buns to feed us. I remember throwing pebbles up at my little sister’s window so she could bring me out a blanket. All I had left were some clothes, Cristian, my non-running car, and the stereo system that my mom got me for my birthday one year. We ended up selling the stereo system. One of the days, Cristian and I got into a fight, probably about drugs, and he ended up punching out one of the back windows in my car. We patched up the window with duct tape and cardboard and left it.

A few days passed, and finally Cristian asked his brother and sister in law if we could stay with them for a while. See, before Cristian and I got together, he had gotten into a car crash and was expecting a settlement check. So they said we could stay with them until the check came in. We slept on the floor in his brother’s house until the day finally came. The check for $20,000 came, so I asked my mom if I could use her car to go to San Diego to get the check and she said yes. We drove to San Diego, got the check and came right back to Blythe. We payed 6 months’ rent for a cute little one bedroom apartment, got furniture to go with and we treated ourselves. It was our best idea to rent the apartment right next to our drug dealer.

I had planned to go stay with my grandma in Reno, NV for a few days so I left to go stay with her. I had brought what I thought was enough heroin so I wouldn’t get sick. I enjoyed my stay with her, while the drugs were still there. 2 days left of my trip and I ran out. I remember going out to dinner with her for Valentine’s day and I was going through it, I was trying to find any way to get heroin. I didn’t know anyone there, I was there with my grandma. But I was sick and my poor grandma had no idea. She knew I was sick but I didn’t tell her why, I think she knew because she tried to help. She told me to take a hot shower, she went and got vitamins, she tried but that craving to get high was too powerful. I called Cristian and I had him buy me a next day flight. All I had to do was wait it out one more day, but I couldn’t. So, he bought me the ticket and him and my mom came to get me. He had drugs waiting for me at the airport when he saw me. That was the first thing I did when I landed, gave my mom and Cristian a hug, Cristian handed me the drugs and into the bathroom I went. And there it went, my craving, my hurting, the sweats, the chills, everything that I felt was gone. Just like that.

So, Cristian and I continued with our little “dream life.” We had our own place, we had each other, we had money, everything was “perfect.” Until it wasn’t. We got a little Shih Tzu puppy and we named her Lola. She was perfect. She made our home complete.

2 or 3 months later, the money started disappearing. I knew that we had spent a lot of it but didn’t realize how much. So I got a job. I got a job at a thrift store right down the street from our house. A little after I got a job, we decided to sell my car. A friend that worked at the car dealership offered me a good deal, to trade in my car for a down payment on a new one. My mom cosigned for me on a 2001 White Chevy Malibu. I swore to her that I would make the payments and not be late on one payment.

The money was gone, so Cristian got a job at a gas station. But that wasn’t enough, enough was never really enough. Our drug dealer moved out, and a new neighbor moved in. She worked nights at the hospital and she was nice. One day, Cristian was running around trying to figure out a way to make money so I went next door to help her bring some of her stuff in and we got to talking. I told her that I was going to be late on my car payment and she had just got back from the casino, she gave me $500 to help us out. That $500 didn’t go towards a car payment, it went towards our next fix.

Soon after that, we were trying to figure out a way to make money, like always, and decided it would be a good idea to rob her. Since she worked nights it was easy. So that’s what she did. She left for work, and so did we. We broke into her house and stole everything valuable in her home.

I loved Cristian very much, but our relationship was very toxic. We would always fight, break things, call each other names, be very abusive towards each other, etc. But we always made sure the other was taken care of. Even if “taken care of” was making sure the other one wasn’t dope sick that day or what not. I would pack up all my stuff and move out, just to move back in the same day. I would call the cops on him just to point them in the other direction when they got there because I didn’t want anything bad to happen to him.

Cristian ended up getting fired from his job at the gas station for “stealing beer.” And I ended up quitting my job at the thrift store. The 6-month period was up for the rent and we didn’t have any money to keep paying. So the realtor showed up with a notice. The house was trashed. There was nothing left, everything that we bought for our home was sold. We had people living with us. The carpet was destroyed from Lola, it was a mess. Our house was the definition of a trap house; people in and out, drugs everywhere, dirty dishes, holes in the wall, burn holes on the floor… it was disgusting.

One morning, we woke up and started arguing, about who did the last of the drugs. It was bad. My mom’s new boyfriend lived down the street so I took Lola and walked down the street to his house with blood dripping down the side of my face. My mom met me there and asked me if I was ready. If I was done. I said yes. So in order for her to know I would not back out, she gave me a Xanax and I fell asleep for a few hours. I woke up when the Xanax wore off and didn’t know what I was doing, all I knew was that I needed to see Cristian and needed to get high. I walked back down the street to my house and told Cristian that I was going to rehab and that I needed to get high before I left. I packed my stuff and we went to our drug dealers house. We obviously had no money, so I told my drug dealer that I was leaving to get help and he gave me drugs for free. I got high one last time and went to my mom’s house to meet the people that came to get me for rehab. They finally showed up and I wouldn’t leave unless I could take Lola with me. The owner didn’t like that very much, but she let me take my baby. I was leaving, I was done getting high…so I thought.

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michellesaddictedlife-blog · 9 years ago

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Senior Year

The summer before my senior year I turned 17. I got my first job working as a cashier at one of the only stores Blythe had; Kmart. I was so excited. I didn’t have to ask my mom for gas money anymore, I could buy what I wanted, when I wanted, I had my own money and that felt good.

The rest of the summer I worked, went to the river, partied and drove around the city. My mom’s boyfriend’s mom, had a house right on the river so we went there a lot and went swimming. He had a thing where he liked to go night fishing so we went on canal banks late at night to go fishing.

That summer, Matt took me to a hip-hop concert called “Rock the Bells.” I was so excited. I had a countdown on my phone to remind me how many days were left until the day came. There were so many artists there that I loved and I was so stoked. I made sure to wash my car and get it ready to head out of town. The day finally came and we headed off to San Bernardino, CA. We checked into our hotel that day, made sure we had enough weed to hold us over and went shopping for outfits. The next day we woke up and went straight to the concert. It was so much fun, the concerts that I’ve been too before were different than this one. The vibe was totally different. The other concerts were upbeat and everyone was so high on ecstasy that they didn’t stop moving. But this concert was more mellow, don’t get me wrong everyone was upbeat and most likely on ecstasy, but the music wasn’t techno and it was just chill. I saw all my favorite artists and even caught some of Tyga’s dollar bills he threw out in the crowd.

I started hanging out with my friend Alicia. Alicia and I knew each other from when we used to play softball in elementary school but never really got close. I remember a time in my Junior year that Heather, Daniel and I went to a Halloween party. Heather was a lion, Daniel wore all black with a white mask and I was a rave peacock. I work a bright blue tutu and a black corset with peacock feather wings. While everyone was in the party, I ended up in a room full of guys doing cocaine. Alicia was in there as well, so it was just us two in there with all these guys. That’s kind of how our friendship started.

A little while into the school year, my mom’s boyfriend cheated on her, again. She had enough and moved us into a cute 2 story apartment on the other side of town. It was just us again; my little sister, my mom and me. We had Thanksgiving in that little apartment and Daniel came as well. We had a miniature turkey since it was only the 4 of us and we drank mimosas. At the time, I was smoking weed, drinking and doing cocaine.

My junior year was the last year that I did Dance Team. I don’t exactly know why I quit, I had just become captain and it was my Senior year. Who would quit? Me. However, I still raised a pig in FFA. That year my pigs name was Trippy.

December came around and I started hanging out with Alicia more often. One night she came over and we were sitting in my car listening to music. I was drinking an Apple Smirnoff drink when she pulled out a baggy full of meth. I knew that she had done meth before but I always told myself that I would never do it, meth is such an ugly word. I wanted to do some. I was so nervous. My heart was pounding, my fingers were shaking while holding the rolled-up dollar bill. But I did it, and instantly fell in love. The burning sensation that I got when the drug went up my nostrils was something that I’ve never felt before. I was in the middle of my Senior year in high school, doing meth.

Alicia lived down the street from me with her not so functional father. She would always throw pebbles at my window early in the morning to wake me up so she could come and get ready at my house. Since my mom left early in the morning she was never home when we were getting ready for school. One day Alicia and her father got into an argument and she moved out. She moved out of her father’s house and moved in with me. She was a year younger than me and I had senioritis really bad. I never went to school and since I never went to school neither did Alicia. I remember staying up all night and having to “fake sleep” when 4/5am came around because that’s when my mom got up and went to work. She would always check on us before she left for work. We both worked at Kmart and we always got paid on Fridays. So, every Friday we would wait until my mom left for work, go to McDonald’s to get breakfast, which we never really ate, and we would go get our drugs. It had become my routine. Whenever we did go to school, we would leave early or just go to our car in the parking lot to do a line.

It got bad. I wouldn’t feed my pig for days, people had to clean his pin for me, he didn’t weigh enough for me to sell him when fair time came around. I had to find a buyer for him instead of having him auctioned off. I pretty much stopped going to school. We had a police officer at our school that would make sure fights get stopped and what not. Well my mom had called him one day to tell him she thought something was going on with me. He pulled me into the office and asked me why I was losing so much weight. (I normally weigh around 145-150, I was 115.) I told him I was taking my mom’s Adderall which she wasn’t even prescribed anymore. I was on the verge of not graduating. I had to take classes at the continuation school and sign up for counseling. My mom asked me what was going on but I couldn’t tell her. So, I wrote her a letter one day in counseling, and I told her that I had been doing meth. She knew, but she couldn’t stop me.

Me at 115 pounds.

Around March is when things started to slow down, Alicia got pregnant and after she got pregnant she didn’t do meth anymore. I wasn’t doing it by myself so I stopped as well. I didn’t want Alicia to have the baby, because I didn’t want to stop doing drugs. But I accepted it later on down the road.

Alicia was talking to a guy that hung out with Matt named Cristian. So, Alicia, Matt, Cristian and I would all hang out together. We would drink at my house and since Alicia was pregnant she didn’t do much but we did. Right after I stopped doing meth, I started taking pills again. I wanted to feel out of self. Matt and I discovered a pill that we could smoke. It was Alicia, Matt, Cristian and a few other friends. Alicia was pretty much our driver. It was me and the guys one night and we bought some Roxicodone 30mg pills. They showed me how to smoke it on foil and after the first hit, I threw up. My body rejected it, but they said that was normal. So, my turn came around again, and I inhaled the smoke and everything disappeared. My body felt as if it were floating. I was in love.

That year I also went to prom with two of my friends from my class. I remember buying my prom dress when I was doing meth so I was pretty skinny. But when prom came around I had stopped doing so much meth, and I was nervous that my prom dress wasn’t going to fit. Prom night came and everyone looked so beautiful. My mom payed all this money for the dress, my afterparty outfit, the party bus and the ticket to get into prom. I didn’t even go into prom. I stayed on the party bus, danced on the stripper pole and had the bus drive around the city. I came home like an hour after I left so I could change into my after party dress. My mom was so upset, she payed all that money for my beautiful prom dress that I wore for hardly an hour and I didn’t even care.

The end of school was coming and I was graduating. I worked really hard after everything happened to make sure I would be walking across the stage to get my diploma. My mom threw a graduation/birthday party at one of her friend’s house. I made it. I actually graduated, after having senioritis my whole 4 years in high school, I DID IT.

One day, Matt and I were hanging out and he said he had to tell me something. What he had to tell me was that him and Alicia had sex. The girl that I considered my best friend, and my boyfriend of almost 2 years. That was the end for both Matt and I, and Alicia and I. Alicia moved in with her mom and I dumped Matt. A few days after that I ended up hanging out with Cristian, the guy that Alicia was with. We hit it off and ended up dating. Cristian moved to San Diego right after we started dating, so he would come down every weekend to stay with me at my mom’s house. We were smoking pills together, except when the weekend would end, he would stop and I would not. The weekends turned into 3 day weekends, 4 day weekends, 5 day weekends. When finally, Cristian just moved back to Blythe and moved in with me. The pills were getting expensive and one day we couldn’t get any. Someone told us that they could get us something better and way cheaper, heroin.

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michellesaddictedlife-blog · 9 years ago

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Junior Year

My junior year came and went really fast. It was the last year that my two best friends would be going to school with me and it was the year that noticed my addiction was getting worse.

Daniel was still living with me at the time and I was still dating Matt. I started partying a lot and was still smoking a lot of weed. Since my mom was staying at her boyfriend’s house a lot it was just Daniel and I at the house most of the time. Daniel wasn’t much of a partier until he started hanging out with me. And once he started partying with me, we became the life of the party. We were at every party and we always made everyone dance with us.

That year my mom and her boyfriend took me and 3 friends to a concert to go see Dj Bl3nd. It was fun. It was like when my mom took me to see Skrillex, except this time I knew what to wear and I had some friends with me. I came prepared this time. I wore a bright pink tutu, furry black boot covers, a black lace tank top and I colored my hair bright pink. All my friends had on similar outfits and we were ready to have a good time. My mom and her boyfriend dropped us off and they went and got a hotel room. Right away we started dancing and having a good time. By the middle of the night we kind of all went in separate directions and the direction I went was right to a crowd of people that I shouldn’t have gone. They were all happy and dancing and having a good time, kind of like I was the first night I tried cocaine. So, I asked them if they had any coke and they said “no, but we have this.” They held out their hand and showed me a little blue pill. I didn’t ask any questions, I just took it because I wanted so bad to feel different. Come to find out it was an ecstasy. I took it and expected to feel different, but physically I didn’t. My body didn’t feel any different, but the way I saw things were. The music was so much louder, and the lights were so much brighter. I ended up in the middle of the crowd, just how I liked it. I don’t remember the ending of that night, I just remember everyone else saying that the show wasn’t as good as they were hoping. But to me it was amazing.

During the beginning of the school year I was still taking pills, not as much, but when I did take them it was really bad. One day I took Xanax and I really shouldn’t have, but at the time I really didn’t care. I love my mom to death, always have, always will. But that day her and I got into a fight and she called me a name that I didn’t like, and we got into a physical altercation. I have never put my hands on my mom, I was always the one protecting her, but the pills made me do something I normally would NEVER do. Heather was with me at the time and witnessed the whole thing, that is when I think Heather realized I had a problem. I went to Heather’s house and fell asleep for the rest of the day. My mom’s boyfriend was involved in Law Enforcement so when I woke up, he was at the house waiting for me. He tried to talk to me, but I didn’t respect him so I didn’t bother listening to him. I kind of avoided my mom but that only lasted so long, being as my mom is my best friend.

Another incident happened that year that involved pills as well. I worked so hard on this dance for a performance the Dance Team had at an elementary school. We made all the outfits for the girls and worked really hard to perfect our dance. The day came, and I decided to take a pill. One pill didn’t work for me anymore, so I took more. I don’t know exactly how many I took that day, but I know that I was late to the performance because the pills made me sick. I was throwing up the whole way to the school and the worst part is I don’t even remember performing. It was on video and I seemed okay but I really was NOT okay.

Daniel ended up moving back home and my mom ended up moving into her boyfriend’s house. I didn’t really have a choice but to move in with them. So, that’s what I did. Since he was in Law Enforcement, I couldn’t really smoke weed as much because of the smell, so I started to increase my pill habit. I smoked weed when I went to Matt’s house and popped pills when I was at home. On the weekends, I would stay with Matt and we would go party. I started to do a lot of coke on the weekends because I didn’t have to go home and Matt’s parents didn’t really know anything about drugs.

I started hanging out with a friend named Sean that year. His grandma was prescribed Percocet and he could always get them. We started taking them more and more. I had become addicted to the ritual of sniffing cocaine; the dollar bills, the crushing of the drug and that feeling of the powder going up my nostrils. So, I decided to stop orally taking the pills and to start sniffing them. Sean and I came up with a saying so people didn’t know what we were talking about. We would say “let’s go get a cupcake,” cupcake referring to Percocet. We were getting cupcakes every day, multiple times a day. It was getting out of control and I noticed it.

My junior year was ending and my addiction was beginning. My grades started to slip, that was my last year doing Dance Team and I was caring more about my boyfriend then I was anything else. I honestly think that I would’ve stopped raising pigs in FFA if I didn’t make any money. But I made a lot of money raising and selling my pigs so I stayed involved.

The end of the year came, and so did graduation night. My 2 best friends were graduated and I was going to go through my senior year alone. Their class threw a huge graduation party out in the middle of nowhere with a DJ and lots of alcohol. I wore a flowered mini dress and ended up dancing on top of an ice chest, center of attention, just how I liked it.

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michellesaddictedlife-blog · 9 years ago

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Summer 2011

The summer before my junior year was definitely one to remember. School always gets out on June 2nd and my birthday lands on June 4th. That year my friend Audra and I threw a huge birthday bash for me. It was an ABC/Rave party. ABC meaning “Anything But Clothes.” I had spent all my money that I got from selling my pig on 30 packs and a DJ. I wore a tutu and a sports bra. That was the first night I tried cocaine. So many people showed up, it was so fun. But then the early morning came around and I still wasn’t home, so my mom came to pick me up. I was talking so much, she turned on the light in the car and asked “Shelly, how much coke have you done tonight?” She was upset with me, but I didn’t suffer any real consequences.

That was right around the time that my mom got the settlement check from Reno, NV Police Department. So, the first thing that we did when she got the check was go on a month vacation. We have family all over; Las Vegas, Colorado and Florida. The first place we went was Vegas. We drove from Blythe to Vegas, and we stayed there a couple of days. We stayed in Vegas with my mom’s best friend Nicole. We had fun, we went swimming, barbecued and went school clothes shopping. I got my passion to run from my great grandma. She loved to run, one year she held the Olympic Torch and collected lots of different medals from running.

From Las Vegas, we flew to Colorado. My grandpa, grandma and my aunts lived up there. We went wake boarding Lake Jackson and my grandpa went fishing. I love to wake board, I love anything involving water really. During this time in my life, I really enjoyed techno music. So, for my birthday my mom surprised me with Skrillex, LMFAO and Major Lazer tickets. The concert was up in the Red Rocks amphitheater. It was beautiful, and it was my first concert ever. I didn’t really know what to wear so I wore a cute little tube top dress, come to find out I should’ve dressed differently. Everyone was dressed in tutus, knee high furry boot covers, rhinestone covered bras and rainbow colored hair. I loved it! I loved everyone’s outfit and I wish I would’ve dressed funky like that, so I rolled up my dress and tucked it under my bra and wore it just like that! I had a whistle around my neck and I got some handmade bead bracelets from the fellow ravers. I was only 16 at the time so I couldn’t legally drink, but my mom and my aunt could. They were buying lemonade and vodka drinks I believe and as soon as they would get their drink, I would go over and take it from them. I was so wasted! I was enjoying myself, I was dancing and singing, going around talking to all the other wasted ravers. I felt at home. After the concert was over, we went to McDonald’s and I ordered a 10-piece chicken nugget meal and I didn’t even get to eat it. I was passed out in the back seat. I don’t remember how I felt the next day but I remember the day I stayed the night at my aunt’s house. My mom and I went over there to hang out and later in the night, my mom and aunt got into a fight and my mom left. I stayed the night with my aunt, who is an alcoholic and a pot head. Needless to say, I went overboard. Well I don’t know if I necessarily went over board because since the altitude is so much higher, you get drunk faster. But I was throwing up all night and it didn’t end up to be so fun.

After our week in Colorado, we flew to go stay with my other grandma and grandpa in Fort Lauderdale. My grandma is a painter, so her house was covered in paintings that she did. They were beautiful just like her. Their house was so unique, the walls were all different colors and the couches were purple with turquoise pillows. We went and enjoyed the Florida sun and played in the salty ocean water. This set of grandparents is Josha’s mom and stepdad, so while we were there I got to hear stories of Josh and see pictures of our family that I’ve never got the chance to meet. We went and watched my grandpa play basketball, we went out to eat at fancy restaurants and we just enjoyed each other’s company. While there I could’ve sworn I saw my dad standing at the top of the stairs, which made me feel safe. I feel safe when I’m with my mom, but it’s that extra safe feeling that he made me feel. While I was in Florida, I got really sick. I went to the hospital there and they gave me a spinal tap. They thought I had spinal meningitis but figured it was probably from all the traveling we were doing in that short amount of time. Although I was sick most of the time in Florida, I still enjoyed myself and made the best out of it.

After our week in Florida, we flew back down to Las Vegas where we stayed for another few days with my mom’s friend. It was a fun vacation and it was one of the last ones that we had together as a family. We drove back home to Blythe and I continued to enjoy the last of the summer before school started back up.

When we got home from our vacation, my mom went to the car dealership to get a new car. She ended up getting me my first car for my 16th birthday. She got me a 2 door, 2001 white Honda Civic. She put tint on the windows and she put a stereo system in so everyone knew when I was coming down the street. I loved music and she knew that. She got herself a car as well because the car she had was old and not so reliable.

My best friend Daniel moved in with us that summer. So it was Daniel, Heather and I up at the golf course that whole summer. My mom wasn’t home much still because she was working a lot so we kind of did what we wanted. We went swimming, we went ice blocking, which is when you get a block of dry ice, put a towel on the top of it and go to your nearest hill and slide down. It’s so much fun and it’s definitely a Blythe thing. We would go and jump in the 4th avenue canal bank and we enjoyed the rest of our summer. Whenever my mom was home, I would have her bring me home a 3 pack of Bud light tall cans. And whenever she wasn’t home, we would sit outside on our little patio smoking weed. It was perfect, because up at the golf course it was all snowbirds that lived up there, and the patio had a screen wrapped around it so no one could see in. I had dumped Nick earlier on in the summer and by the end of the summer I had a new boyfriend, Matt. Matt was older than me and was a “bad boy”, which I was attracted too. He smoked a lot of weed and so did I.

My mom had gotten a new boyfriend around this time who was unfaithful and I didn’t like him much. It didn’t help that he was in Law Enforcement. When she wasn’t working, she was at his house. She had my little sister stay with her at his house whenever she stayed there, and since I didn’t like him, I got to stay home by myself. I had people over all the time, we would play beer pong in my living room and play on my PlayStation. Since my mom wasn’t really home she didn’t bother paying for cable or Wi-Fi, so we just played the same game on my PlayStation over and over again.

It was time for school to start, Daniel was going to be a senior and I was going to be a Junior. I tried out for Dance team again and made it, but this year I became the captain.

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michellesaddictedlife-blog · 9 years ago

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Sophomore Year

The rest of that summer consisted of going to the river with friends, sneaking out, smoking weed and just being a teenager in the summertime. I slept until 2 in the afternoon and was up all night long. I got my first “real” boyfriend that summer, his name was Nate. He was 4 years older than me and we had fun. We would go to the river all the time and my family loved him. Some of my mom’s friends had a house on the river so we would all just go hang out there and drink beer or fruity drinks. At that time, my mom knew I had been smoking weed but didn’t know how bad it actually was. And she knew I had been drinking but gave me the okay because I was mostly with her when I drank, and she would’ve rather me drink around her than around people she didn’t trust.

During the summer, my mom and James started to fight a lot and my mom was becoming very unhappy. That caused us to stay with her friends on the river most of the time, which was okay with me because I was having fun.

Summer was just about over and it was time for my sophomore year in high school. Nate and I were still together and I thought that he was the best thing that ever happened to me. He would come and pick me up for school and I just thought I was the coolest girl ever because he was much older than me, he had a job and a car, he was known for being on the football team and he was Ken while I was Barbie.

I was still involved with the Dance Team, but that year I didn’t participate in soccer or track. Obviously, my boyfriend and partying had become more important. However, I was still doing good in school, I was no longer an honor roll student but I wasn’t failing. I still was involved with FFA raising pigs, and that year my pigs name was Mary Jane.

A few months went by and James and my mom got in this huge fight. Our front door was dark wood with a little glass window at the top. My mom is pretty short, 5’3 or so, and James is a pretty big man. I was sitting outside in the car because I didn’t want to be inside while they were yelling at each other, and I see my mom’s head through the glass like he had lifted her up. I ran up to the door, shoved it open and punched him right in the face. I broke his glasses and my acrylic fingernails as well. I hit him so hard even my real nails were ripped off. My mom couldn’t drive because she was so shaken up, so I jumped in the driver’s seat and drove off to the nearest store.

After the fight with James, things between them were pretty much over. So, we packed our belongings and moved back up to the Golf Course into space #1. It was just my little sister, my mom and I. My mom got a little Shitzhu named Frank and that was the only man we needed in our lives. Poor Frank, I used to always get him so stoned. I feel so bad now.

Anyways, that year we went to the trophy truck races and Nate drove down to meet us. It was so much fun. My mom and I were together, her friends were there. It was a blast. That is when I found out that Nate had been cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend. I was so heart broken. He was my first real boyfriend and I was so naive that I didn’t see all the lies and BS.

Right away I had a new boyfriend, Nick. Nate and I just drank alcohol together but me and Nick did both, smoke weed and drink. Nicks best friend sold pills so I started to dabble a little with Vicodin. I loved Vicodin, it “made me focus better on my school work.” That was my justification for taking it. I didn’t take Vicodin every day, but the days that I did, it was never just one. I loved the feeling that they gave me. It was like something I’ve never felt before.

I still stuck to Dance Team and FFA, but the boyfriend and partying began to increase.

Sophomore year is the first year I went to prom. I went with my two best friends, Heather and Daniel. Oh, we were so excited. I wore a green Tinkerbell dress, I got my hair and nails done and got spray tanned. I looked beautiful. We threw money in with a bunch of other kids from their class to get a big party bus. The bus had a stripper pole and that’s where I was all night. Dancing. Drinking. Smoking. I don’t even remember if we even went into the actual prom. Maybe, maybe not.

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michellesaddictedlife-blog · 9 years ago

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Summer 2010

My first year in high school was finally over and now it was the summertime. School always ended two days before my birthday and that year I turned 15. My mom was making some extra money by cleaning a beautiful house right on the Colorado River and she asked if she could use the house to throw my birthday party at. The owner said of course if we clean it up afterwards. My mom invited all my friends and surprised me by having my grandma come from Reno and my great grandma come from Las Vegas. Before my party all my friends met up at my house and my mom carpooled everyone out to the river while I was at the salon getting my hair and nails done. That year I put pink in my hair. Since my grandma is a chef she made me a special birthday dinner and made me a beautiful birthday cake. It was fun. We all ate, listened to music, and swam in the river.

That night my mom’s friend told me to invite some friends back over to her house to hangout. My mom’s friend had this little shed in her back yard and her boyfriend used to smoke weed out there. So, when my friends came over we smoked weed and listened to music in the back yard. That was the first night I smoked marijuana out of a bong. My mom and her friend ended up leaving and going out so it was just my friends and I at the house. That night a piece of jewelry came up missing from the house and I had no idea what was even going on.

A few days later I had the same people over to go swimming and hang out at my house. At the time, I wasn’t stealing and I didn’t know that the people that I was hanging out with were stealing either, so when my mom told me something was missing I didn’t really believe it was anyone that was with me. Little did I know it was someone I hung out with, and even though I knew it was him I still hung out with that person because I wanted to still be the cool girl and hang out with the “bad kids.”

That summer my cousin Nicole came down to visit me from Las Vegas for a week. It was the first time in years that I had seen her and I was so excited. She’s only a month older than me and we were kind of doing the same things; smoking weed, drinking etc. So, when she got to Blythe it was kind of like a big party. Except we were doing it secretly. One of the days my mom got us some Malibu fruit punch alcohol in a pouch and we went floating on the river all day until our faces were red from the sun. That day was so much fun! We drank, laughed and just enjoyed each other’s company.

The next day I invited some people over and we got an alcoholic beverage called “MD 20/20” which is a fruity wine that stands for Mad Dog 20 ounces and 20% alcohol or 20 minutes of throwing up and 20 hours of regret. That was the night I lost my virginity. I was 15 years old and I lost my virginity to a guy that I hardly even knew but at the time showed me attention, only because he wanted something obviously. I wish I could say that I lost my virginity to the guy that I was in love with and something you see in “The Notebook,” but that’s not the case. And I found out that alcohol covered up all my emotions I had about that situation, because I may only be 21 but I have an old soul and I have always wanted that Romeo and Juliet kind of love. I was ashamed, and alcohol covered that up. The rest of the week we spent our days swimming in the pool and going to the river, while the nights were filled with sneaking out, drinking, and hanging out with people we shouldn’t have been hanging out with.

After that week was over I went with her to stay in Vegas for a week. The first few days consisted of Nicole introducing me to her friends, showing me around her neighborhood, dancing in her living room when uncle wasn’t home and going to the mall. The day we went to the mall we met some guys who I don’t remember their names. They were about 20 years old and they had cars so we decided to sneak out that night to go hang out with them. They picked us up down the street from Nicole’s house and since they weren’t old enough to buy alcohol and neither were we, we decided to go to a gas station and steal 4 Lokos. So, we stole the alcohol and went to a neighborhood park down the street. We drank our 4 Lokos and sat on the swings all night long until one of the 3 guys fell asleep on the park bench. A little while went by and I started to get this weird feeling in my stomach and sure enough, a few minutes go by and the police show up. My uncle came to get us and was not happy. I still had a few more days left to stay, but my mom came to get me the next day. I was grounded after that, but it was kind of like a joke to me because I felt like I got away with something and there were no real consequences.

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michellesaddictedlife-blog · 9 years ago

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Freshman Year

We moved into the house on Cortez Street the summer before my freshman year in high school. I was so excited because the house had a pool with a slide, it was right across the street from my school and it was the first house that I lived in since I lived with my grandparents. I finally had my own room which was painted blue. At the time, I was really into the whole street graffiti scene so my mom surprised me one day by having some of my friends that did graffiti, tag my name in my favorite colors; red, yellow and green on my wall.

I was going to be a freshman and Heather was going to be a sophomore and we decided to try out for the high school dance team. We practiced and practiced and finally the day came for try outs. We danced our little hearts out then waited patiently for the call later that day to see if we made it or not. My phone rings…I made it! A few minutes later her phone rings…she made it! We both made varsity dance team and we were both so excited!

After school started, I tried out for the varsity track team and made it. I ran the 800 meter and did long jumping. When soccer season came around I tried out for varsity soccer and made that as well. I loved to run and I was good at all sports that I played. Track is where I met my other best friend Daniel who is also still my best friend to this day. Since I lived right across the street from the high school, all my track friends would come over and we would go swimming and play Dance Dance Revolution on the Wii with my mom.

The first time I smoked weed was with a girl named Rebecca and I don’t think that I even got high. I remember being so nervous to smoke then after I took the first hit I thought to myself, “really? I don’t even feel any different.” But I guess it was the nervous feeling, the feeling of adrenaline that I got before the hit that I fell in love with because even though I did not get “high”, that opened Pandora’s box and I had no idea. The second time I smoked weed is when I felt the “out of self” feeling that I became addicted too. I had some social anxiety and when I smoked weed all that went away. I was funny, I hung out with the “cool stoner kids” and everything was good. (That only lasted so long by the way.) Weed was my escape and no one knew how big of a problem it was going to be, not even me.

My freshman year is also the year that I drank for the first time. It was Thanksgiving and my mom was in the kitchen cooking dinner all by herself. She made herself a mimosa and I for some reason wanted one too, so she made me one. I wasn’t helping her with dinner and wasn’t motivated to start so she gave me half of an Adderall which she was prescribed and about an hour later the whole bottle of champagne was gone and I cooked the whole Thanksgiving dinner. I went out with some friends after dinner to a bonfire right down the street from my house. My friends had the red botte of Smirnoff Vodka and I drank it straight from the bottle. I don’t remember much from that night, but I do remember the feeling that alcohol gave me. I felt as if I could accomplish anything. I was talkative and funny and I loved it. Later that night my mom called to tell me it was time to come home and to start walking and she’ll come pick me up. When she came to get me she said I was in the middle of the street stumbling over my own feet…I was wasted and she was not happy.

Like I said, I don’t remember much of that night but I do remember the feeling alcohol gave me while intoxicated, and the feeling alcohol gave me the next morning. I felt as if I had gotten hit by a train and I had to help load up the trailer because we were going to go camping. So, to “cure” my hangover, my mom told me to jump in the freezing pool. It didn’t make me feel any better but it did wake me up. You would think that the feeling of a hangover would make me not want to drink again, right? Wrong.

Finally, we were all packed up and ready to go to the desert. It was so much fun. All my mom’s friends were there with all their quads, buggies and desert toys. One of my mom’s friends smoked pot and knew I had been dabbling a little bit, so we rode the buggy away from everyone and got high. Instantly after I smoked, my hangover was gone…it was like a miracle drug at the time.

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michellesaddictedlife-blog · 9 years ago

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Just a kid

When moving to Blythe I was so excited. I remember driving into town and being so happy. It was sunny all the time, there was palm trees everywhere and the sky always looked so blue. I finally felt like this was where I belonged.

Blythe was the worst and the best thing that has ever happened to me. The worst because I went through a lot of hard times there and did a lot of bad things, but the best because even after all the bad things, I will always have a place to call home.

When I moved to Blythe I was in the 5th grade. I was the new girl so that is hard, but because Blythe is so small, everyone already had friends and everyone pretty much knew everyone. But I put myself out there and made my friends.

My mom left John and we moved into a little trailer out in the country. Blythe is a small farm town so it’s pretty much all country, but our house was out there far away from the rest of society. Fields full of hay and sheep surrounded us and it was normal to be stopped on the road into town by farmers that were herding sheep back into the field that they escaped from.

My mom stayed single for a little while after she left John. She had to change her phone number several times because John was a bit of a stalker, but she stayed single and worked her ass off to establish her clientele. She is a massage therapist and in a small town it’s hard to make money when your new to town not knowing anyone. So, her boss helped financially until she got on her feet a little bit.

Although my mom and John broke up, John’s brother Ryan lived with us. Ryan suffered from his addiction with meth as well as some mental illness, so he took a bunch of different medicine that made him not “really there.” Ryan received disability from his mental illness so he helped my mom financially while he was living with us. But since the medicine he took caused him to be asleep most of the time and my mom always at work, it was kind of my duty to step up and be the “mother figure” to my little sister. In return that made me grow up a little faster than most kids my age.

My only next door neighbor was a few years older than me and I would always go and hang out with her and her friends. The thing to do in Blythe was to go and cruise down the main street and blast our music really loud in the parking lots, so that’s what we did. I got to know a lot of older people and so that’s who I started to hang out with, because to me I finally fit somewhere. I was next door a lot because I didn’t really like being home when my mom wasn’t home and because Ryan reminded me so much of his brother John. Whenever Ryan was conscious, he didn’t allow me to go next door so when his medicine kicked in and he would pass out, I would sneak out and go hang out with my friends. Sneaking around became a familiar thing to me. I remember one time I snuck out and came home to find the door locked. I still to this day do not know if he locked me out on purpose or if he was just locking the door for the night, but either way it gave me an opportunity to stay out longer and I ran with that opportunity. But during all this sneaking out behind his back I always made sure my little sister was taken care of before heading out.

While in middle school I rode the bus. (which I hated by the way) But on the bus ride to school, I met my best friend Heather which is still my best friend to this day. Heather and I were inseparable. She lived up the hill from me and was being raised by her grandmother because her mother was addicted to meth. I had no idea what meth even was at the time. Like I said, we were inseparable. We did normal girl things; her grandma took us to Palm Desert to go shopping, we went to Disney Land, we put balloons in our shirts to make it look like we had boobs. We were kids and I loved her to pieces.

I did good when I was in school. I was an honor roll student, I played softball for the city, I raised pigs for 4-H and I loved to do funny make up and take silly pictures on my little pink camera. And I had the opportunity to do all these things because my mom worked her butt off for us to have a good childhood.

In 8th grade I believe is when my mom met James. James was a nerd, but he was sweet and he loved my mom. We then moved up the hill in a cute little trailer park right on the golf course, where Heather lived. That’s when my mom taught me how to drive. Every morning at 5 am I would have to get up and go feed my pig named Waffles before school. So, my mom gave me the chance to show her that I was a good driver. Every morning she had her cup of coffee and her one rule was that if I ever spilled her coffee then I wasn’t allowed to drive anymore…turns out I’m a damn good driver because not even a drop of her coffee ever spilled!

A few months go by and things are good. James bought my mom a new car which was a red Dodge Magnum with the license plate saying “CANSRIDE.” He got us a house with a pool right across the street from the high school and that was the house on Cortez Street…

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michellesaddictedlife-blog · 9 years ago

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The Beginning

So again, my name is Michelle Hanks but you can call me Shelly. I was born in Reno, NV on June 4, 1995. #Gemini. I was raised mostly by my mom but got tossed around when my mom was going through hard times. She told my biological father that she was pregnant with his child, he denied me and I’ve never talked to him still to this day. I was 4 days old at my mom’s high school graduation.

I have a little sister that is 4 years younger than me and her dad is the one who stepped up and helped raised me. He suffered from addiction as well as schizophrenia and some other emotional issues which caused our home to be a little unstable, so my mom moved my little sister to Florida with his parents and moved me to Carson City with her parents. I lived with my grandmother who was a chef for the governor of Nevada at the time and my grandfather who was a pastor at our local church. I lived a nice life while I was living with my grandparents. I was baptized Christian, I loved to help my grandma bake and I loved to travel with them to sell garlic at garlic festivals.

All that changed one day in 2002 when my grandma called me in the living room while holding a newspaper. She sits me down and says “Shelly, your dad was killed.” I was only 6 or 7 at the time so I didn’t really understand, but I went back to my room full of flowers and Barbie dolls and felt as if a part of my heart was gone. It wasn’t until later that I found out the Reno, NV police department killed him unlawfully. The report listed below said they suspected him of being drunk but the autopsy protocol didn’t show him being under the influence.

http://www.kolotv.com/home/headlines/892646.html

Shortly after that my mom had me move with her. She got on her feet a little bit and got a cute little apartment in Las Vegas for us (my little sister and I). I remember walking in the apartment and feeling so happy that we were finally together. The living room was all black and white and my little sister and I shared a room which consisted of colorful flower bedspreads and a bright lime green frog rug on the floor.

My mom was a hard-working widowed parent who did the best she could with us. We moved a lot after daddy’s death and I saw a lot of different men in the equation. Then one day my mom met John. She was sure that he was going to be the one, and he was for quite some time. He moved us to Blythe, CA and we lived in the garage of his parents’ house for a while. I was in 5thgrade at the time and never fit in. I was the blonde girl with buck teeth and ugly little glasses that got made fun of for having a big forehead.

I watched my mom get abused by John and felt completely hopeless because there was nothing that I could do. I remember one day, he was spanking my little sister and I with one of those wooden spoons that had the little holes in the middle of them causing welts on our butts from where the hole was. That day she had enough and grabbed the wooden spoon and broke it over his head. That was the day that I realized the only way to stop violence was with more violence….

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