this town without words is cold | in the end, you too will die and become a ghost.
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Im losing myself more again!!! Again and again and again im losing myself in some weird spiral of goop and gunk!!! I cant find myself. Ive lost the plot! I cant remember when i cared about anything. Ive been letting my fears and my schizo symptoms eat away at my heart and mind and I cant stop it. I hate it all. I dont want this!! I dont want it!!!!!!!! I hate this disorder I hate this life. Im tired
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You are soooooo cowardcore lul didnt even kill yourself such a LOSER LOLLLLL
I finished my suicide note :D yay soon everyone will be rid of me ^w^
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Do you ever feel like people keep you around as a "friend" because you're stupid and a failure so you're very easy to make fun of/manipulate. do u think endlessly about how you fail every social interaction and cannot recover from it, adding it to the 3 billion miles long list of failures. do you think about how no one could ever genuinely like/want to be around you necause you are a disgusting piece of shit who needs to be euthanized ASAP because you do not, under any circumstance, deserve to live. Have u ever felt like you did not deserve genuine happiness because someone like you is far too horrible and vile to earn it. Do you never trust others. Do you never believe in them, even when they tell you over and over they care about you, but you just cannot believe any of it.
Nothing is stopping me from thinking like this btw i think abt all that constantly like every fucking day!!! How do i stop!!!!
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Im just so alone. I dont have friends. I dont have anyone with my mutual interests. I dont know how to fucking make friends
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I dont really jave a lot of friends. And when i say friends, i dont mean people who just talk to me. Thats all everyone does, talks to me. But no one LISTENS to me. Any moments i need someone to listen amd care, they just dont. Suddenly they are busy, suddenly they are not available, suddenly they dont want me to be their friend. But i always have to be the one listening. I always have to be the one to offer advice and play therapist for everyone else. Im sick of it. Im fucking beyond sick.
When i think about how others have used me as their little therapist but disappear when i need help, I feel nauseous about all of it. They dont even care about me. They dont want me around. Ever. Im just there as an obligation. No one cares if im active, no one cares if im alive. Its whatever, isnt it? No one cares. And someday, they wont ever have to care again.
Ive beem suicidal since i was a fucking child. I came into this world knowing i meant nothing to my own parents. They didnt want me. They wanted the idea of me. They thought they could just have one last child, but they didnt want to raise it. God forbid! Why would they? Im always on my own. Im sick of it. I want someone to care. I want someone to be with me to listen. I want mutual respect and care... i can never get it. Ever. And i deserve it, dont i? For being so high maintenance. For being so difficult and annoying. Who cares, right? Doesnt matter. Ill die alone. Not a single friend. And i deserve it!
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Its sad!!! Its so so so sooooooo sadcore. You can NEVER EVER be yourself AND be loved. You have to choose every single time. Isnt that so fucked? No one has managed to make me change my view, not a single friendship or relationship. Sad! I can only be myself, I'm sorries!!! If your love and care if conditional maybe its not worth talking to me. Maybe it just doesnt matter!
Im invisible to everyone! No one bothers with me when im sad, which I suppose is too often for them to handle. I really dont think its that bad, right? Ive been thinking aboit killing myself since i was 4, so perhaps it is bad? I really dont think anything is wrong with me. Isnt this just how life is? Am i supposed to have happy days, where I dont feel any negative emotion? I am rarely ever genuinely happy. I dont know. Im stupid. I ruin things too much. I ruin things constantly.
I keep things untagged so no one finds this. Even if they did, what could they do? They cant change anything, I have to do it myself. But i dont even know how, thats so lame!!!
Ah well. I suppose thats how it is!
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No one really seems concerned, which i expected. Im just a temporary friend. I wasnt meant for this world long anyways so it doesnt really matter if i lose them
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Ill leave in a few days once my laundry is done probably. Maybe even tomorrow! :D
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I finished my suicide note :D yay soon everyone will be rid of me ^w^
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Gufugugjjuuwi18whwhq im really just horrible. I dont know why anyone ever bothers with me !!! Do people want to be my friend to gain something or other??!?!?! What does anyone see in befriending me!?!?!?!? I dont get it!+ wj1u7eu2id8wujs im not worth getting to know im no one!!!!! I'll die no one and until i do ill continue to live meaninglessly!!! Haha isnt that just sooooo stupid and silly.
Isnt it all just a grand beautiful lie !?!?!?!? That life is supposed to mean something wonderful!?!?!?!? Who cares about any of that!!!!! Ive been mislead and lied to way too much!!! I gotta get outta here
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I feel soooo lost again. I dont know if it will get better. I dont know if it can get better. Sometimes i just think itll get worse, and sometimes it does. What will i do if it gets worse again? I feel trapped. I hate it. I want out. I dont want to be here anymore. This place isnt safe for people like me. I dont like being different. Im sorry, i really am. I dont like me either. Im sorry
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Oh no im lost again!!!! Ahahahahahahahaha im lost. Im so totallty lost right now. It would be so silly if i stopped caring!!! I can't stop thinking abkut gow you made us eat grilled cheese that day. I didnt want it. I didnt want it!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wanted ice cream and you knew it. You knewwwww you did!!!! You so did!!!
I forgive you for now maybe!!! Maybe bebebebebebebebeb!!!!!!!!! Like its not even that deep!!! So anyways. ☝️
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