microplasticpiranhas

[microplasticpiranhas]

I haven't taken my meds in at least three weeks and I'm writing this to force myself to take them.

I'm not doing well. I'm catastrophizing. I'm obsessing over how my friends must hate me. The fact is they don't reach out, don't include me in shit. The people who used to be my glue are gone to other cities and most of the people left were held to me with that glue. The others I feel too bad about withdrawing from to rebuild our friendships.

I feel like I'm in a Sisyphean loop with my finances; as soon as it looks like it'll finally get better, it doesn't. When I'm struggling with money, I basically hide from my friends because I am ashamed I can't afford things.

I'm going through my main tumblr, which I've had since 11th grade, and it's striking to me how much the feeling of yearning has stayed the same. I've always wanted more for myself; more than what I have, more than what people are willing to give me.

I don't know what's missing. Am I failing to do something that's standing in the way of what I want from the people around me? Have I been doing this for 15 years?

I feel like I've been making myself smaller, less exuberant, less authentic, ever since...when? It started sometime. Probably around 8 or 9 honestly, when I was first diagnosed with everything. It's so upsetting to think of how I could have been if I were encouraged to embrace who I am instead of hiding it and dulling it down.