midiaryofus

[midiaryofus]

Damien.

Thank you for being my best friend for the past few years. Having you in my life has impacted and changed my life in so many ways. You taught me so many things I'll never forget. You etched things into my heart that will never be erased. No matter where life takes me and what happens next, I'll never forget you.

I apologize for my friend invading your life. But I am glad I found out how you honestly feel through her instead of you telling me. I don't think I would have recovered. I feel like I was spared from reliving my past. It would have killed me, when I finally had broken down and texted you, to find out you had deleted everything, and you're done with me. I can imagine what would have happened. Because it's happened so many times, and every time, it hurts more. I tried to tell you, to prevent it from happening again. That someday you'll leave me in a brutal way. But when it happens, please try to care about my feelings and don't just end it with "it's over. Goodbye" and shut me out.

I guess it didn't matter how many times I annoyed you by talking about how my ex's hurt me, in hopes that you wouldn't do the same thing, because it still ended the same way

I know. I played games. I don't really remember what happened. It's all a painful blur. All I remember is I was kitchen sinking, and then your last message to me, which I still have, is you apologizing for your past behavior. And then I told you I daydreamed of our how our life together would be. I ended it with saying that maybe it'll never happen and it'll just be a dream. And I remember hoping that you would say, "no it's not just a daydream, it'll happen someday" or something like that. But you didn't. You didn't say anything. You just never responded for days. And then I stopped texting you. I wanted you to fight for me. It's never worked so I don't know why I thought it would that time. I had a melt down after ten days and deleted the chat. And after two weeks I wrote you a message on Tumblr. I was a wreck. I spent two weeks breathing through a straw. (Not literally, emotionally). I felt like you were really done with me. I wanted to just fast forward to the part where you text me and I can breathe again. I was just suffering alone and needed to talk to someone. I thought about texting Chris, but I felt bad thinking about bringing him into my drama when he was happily free of it. I thought about texting Evan, but he's married now and I don't want to cause him to cheat on her again with me. (Not that I would try anything, he's always been a flirt, hope he changed for her sake). I thought about texting Branden, but we didn't really part ways on good terms. And then I thought about Zaya, we didn't part on good terms either, she was pissed at me for going back to you over and over. But it had been awhile since we last talked so I thought maybe she moved past it and forgot about it. So I just vented to her. I just felt like I was buried alive under all the pain and anxiety, and things going on in my life, and not just because I was scared you were leaving me. I kept telling myself it would be fine and it's just another one of our fights, where we're apart for a bit and then get back together

But it wasn't. When I saw the things you said to her.. I was shaking. Shivering. Teeth chattering. For an hour. And then I went into shock. I grabbed tissues and was prepared to cry it out but nothing happened. I was frozen with my jaw open for a very long time. It took the breath out of me. I kept thinking, "no, he wouldn't do this.. after all the times we talked about this.. he promised me he wouldn't leave me in a cold way.. all the screen shots of that I have somewhere.. he wouldn't do this.." After two hours I thought, "No, I'm not reliving this again. He broke his promise but I don't have to let him destory me"

I don't know why you thought it was a mutual breakup. I'm sorry I gave you that impression. At times I did say things to try to calm my anxiety down, like, a breakup isn't the end of the world. But it's not just a breakup. It's being abandoned. It's losing someone forever. I was worried you would leave me in a cold way, but I was shocked when you actually did. I told you so many times that if it ever has to end and you want to leave me, talk to me, tell me. Your last message to me is apologizing and then you disappeared. How can you think I left you? That it was over? I would have told you if I wanted it to be over. We would have had the goodbye talk. Parted ways civilly. I told you, so many times, if you don't want to be with me, Tell me. Talk to me. You didn't. You decided on your own it was over and you were done. I told you I can handle a breakup, if the guy actually Talked to me. Told me he wanted to part ways. Instead of ghosting me and coldly saying it's over. But you couldn't do that. Did I not mean enough to you for you to tell me that you don't want to be with me anymore? We're you just trying to take the easy way out? You could have left at anytime. Nobody was forcing you to stay with me. You made me feel like I didn't mean enough to you to even tell me you were leaving me. To even say goodbye

I thought about just staying away. Not giving you a goodbye just like you did to me. But I don't want to be as cold as you. I want to give both of us closure. Despite how badly you hurt me, I don't want you to be hurt. Even while I've spent this whole month hurting, I would still pray for you. Pray that you were okay. Pray that you were happy. I was scared you weren't replying because something happened to you. But what was I supposed to do? I wrote you a novel that you didn't reply to. Do I just keep writing more? "Harassing" you? Since I guess that's how you actually feel about all the messages I'd send you.

I'm sorry I wasn't a positive light in your life. I'm sorry I was a burden to you. I'm sorry I made you so miserable that you wanted to get away from me as fast as you could. You wanted to be done with me so badly you couldn't even say goodbye. You just wanted me gone. Because why waste your time on anything other than straight to the point, right? Everything is deleted. "Done. Goodbye"

That's how much I meant to you

And for another hour I had the breath knocked out of me. Another hour of sitting on the floor in shock, staring at nothing

I didn't want another dramatic, painful breakup. I guess maybe you thought you could avoid it all, by disappearing. But you can't run from your feelings. They'll always catch up. But it's online, so you can just block me, block your feelings, and it's all over, right?

I'm sorry it ended like this. I'm sorry I hadn't just been clear and just came right out and said how I felt. I'm sorry I made you feel like you weren't good enough. All I was ever trying to do was point out things you did that were hurting me.

I'm sorry I complained about things too much. You were just my safe place. The person I ran to when my world was falling apart. I just wanted to feel comforted in your arms. Instead I was belittled and treated like a pathetic child. And it always left me feeling embarrassed and weak and sad for a new reason. Because I didn't feel safe and loved by the person who I thought was my partner. You told me once you support me but you never did, and you never made me feel supported. But you'll just see this as me putting you down. When it's expressing hurt.

I didn't want to lose you. I just wanted you to treat me better. I just wanted you to love me as much as I love you. I just wanted you to be as scared of losing me as I was of losing you

I don't know if you'll ever change your mind one day and want to start over. But I'll never be able to forget how you chose to leave me. I would forever be scared that you'd leave me that way again. You hurt me in a way I told you for years I was scared of reliving. One of the most painful things is when someone does something that crosses your biggest line, and you know you'll never be able to be with them again. And that's when you know it's really over

When we watched Letterkenny together, it meant the world to me. Because I got to spend time with you. I would have watched paint dry, if it meant I could spend time with you. (not saying watching your show is like watching paint dry. I really liked it and laughed at so many parts)

I didn't think you would even talk to me during it. I thought you'd just put it on and fall asleep and I'd feel like I was watching it alone, but knowing you were somewhere in the world watching it too, even if you were asleep, still meant something to me. But you didn't. You took the time to explain the characters and the storyline. You stayed up past your bedtime. It meant so much to me. I thought it was the beginning of things getting better and us finally having a happy, healthy relationship. I had no idea it was the end

I don't know if our paths will ever cross again. Sometimes I imagine it like the end of the All Too Well music video. It's 10 years later. She wrote a book about their relationship and she's reading it in a bookstore. He's standing outside, watching her through the window, and then he walks away

Just between us, I'll still remember everything. I'll remember it all too well

Our love wasn't bulletproof. No matter how many bullets it took, I still thought it would recover. But the worst bullet wound is the one straight through the heart, done in betrayal, in a cold shocking way that it feels like the bullet was soaked in dry ice. But I'll never regret the time we spent together. All the fighting, all the pain and drama, it was with it to me, You were worth it to me. I'm just sorry I never got the chance to be a positive in your life. To be the reason you smile. Whatever problems I had in my life, I should have just ignored them, because they didn't matter, because I had you. I feel so blessed to have had you in my life. Like Winnie the Pooh said, "how lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard"

I'm already jealous of the next girl. Because she gets to be with the person I would have died for. She'll get to see you every day, when I'd treasure the only few pictures I had of you

My love was too big for you my love

I just have too much love inside me and I love too hard. I always worry it'll scare people away. I worried it would scare you away. But you already left me

I just wanted to feel safe putting my heart in your hands. I told you so many times over the years that I just want to feel like I can fully trust you with my heart. But I didn't so I held back. I just wanted you to make the first move. I wanted my feeling to be reciprocated first. I just always try to match your efforts and how much you care. But what I really wanted was to text you good morning every morning. Goodnight every night. Shower you with all the love I've been holding back and hiding. But I didn't feel like I could until you made a move first. It's like, with asking someone out. Like I feel like it shouldn't always be the guys job. It should be the person who isn't sure if they want the relationship to ask the person who does want the relationship. I waited years for you to ask me out. You kept telling me you didn't need labels. But deep in my heart I believed if you really wanted to be with me, you would. Do you know what it's like, wanting to be with someone so badly for years but they just leave you sitting in a waiting room? And when you ask them if the wait is over, they get mad and tell you to keep waiting and the more you ask, the less they want you.

So I tried to care less. I tried to show my feelings less. I was holding back and waiting for you pull me closer. Inside I was aching from holding back. I'd break down crying at random times, because I knew you didn't really want me. But it was better than being left. It was better to treasure every bread crumb you gave me than to have nothing and lose you completely.

I regret holding so much back. I feel like over the years you only got to see like 3 sides of me, when I have like 100. I just always repeat the same pattern in my relationships. I have my walls up until I feel like I can feel safe to let them down. And always trying to match how the other person feels. So many times I wanted to just open up to you completely and do all the work to create a happy relationship for us. But every time I'd run into one of my walls I build up. It was years of struggling to fight harder, or just let go and wait for you to try. I can't build a relationship on my own. It felt like you didn't want to try. Like it wasn't worth working for. Like I wasn't worth your time or energy or love or anything. But I tried. And I tried by not trying. And at times I played games when I just felt hopeless. I'd try to tell you that you were hurting me and things that I felt needed to be fixed if we wanted to have a better relationship. But everything you took to heart and got defensive about. I wasn't trying to make you feel judged or shamed. I should have said, "hey there's some emotional things I need to talk about. I know you're an imperfect human, I am too, we both came into this relationship with wounds. I know that you have defence mechanisms, and I'm not here to judge or shame you. I love you and I want to work through things. And we we work through things, I want to be your biggest supporter and support system. And feel like a safe place for you"

I wanted to have a relationship with you. But you didn't want one with me

Something I heard on TikTok, "If hurting me, doesn't hurt you, you don't love me"

I always felt that. But I never wanted to believe it

Some things I wanted to tell you but won't get the chance now because.. yeah. So I'll just tell you now:

On our 7th year anniversary, I was going to make a joke about you being a virgin again. Because every cell in your body replaces itself over a peroid of 7 years. And then I was going to make a joke about how we'd give our virginity to each other and tease you about being virgin and stuff

So I just wanted to tell you, enjoy your life. Do what makes you happy.

The reason I didn't keep texting you.. it's because of this:

"You know how you can tell if someone really loves you? Stop calling them. Let a couple weeks go by and see if they reach out to you. And then before you know it, 6 months has passed and then a year goes by. And then you realize the entire relationship was based around the fact that you did all the planning and initiating. Stop pouring into people that aren't reciprocating you"

I can't believe it was true. I don't think you would have ever texted me again. And after everything, that hurts so much. I wish it hadn't ended this way. Even if you didn't want to be with me anymore, I still wanted to be your friend. Bevause then atleast I'd still have you in my life. But you don't want me. In your own words, you didn't text me because you don't want to be with me. You don't want me in your life. So I'll go.

I wish you the best and hope you find the girl of your dreams. And- I don't want to do this again. I've said goodbye so many times, but honestly it wasn't real goodbyes. I wasn't going to leave. Even if we had parted ways, I know I would have caved in under a month. I never wanted to say goodbye to you. The only way I'd ever leave for good is if you crossed a line. Like, cheated on me, but even then I might have forgiven you. But I asked my friend to ask you if you're 100% done with me. And you said, "Done. Goodbye" like you can't wait to get rid of me. Trying to end things as fast as possible. Knowing that, that you could end things so cold, it's enough. I'll never be able to trust you again. It's enough for me to give up on you. To let you go for good. So for the first time, this is a real goodbye. Because this time, it really is the end. I forgive you for everything, but I'll never forget. I'll never be able to trust you with my heart again. And that's one of the things that hurt the most. When you break down in tears thinking, "how could you do this?? Why would you do this?! Now it really is over. Because I'll never be able to trust you or let you in ever again. Even if you change your mind one day. I won't be able to let you in again, no matter how much I want to. Because you showed me you can leave me in the coldest way. Just like all the other guys did" and that's what I thought about, when I sat on the floor for hours in shock. This is really it this time. I didn't want it to end like this. I didn't want it to be painful and dramatic and heartbreaking. I didn't want to be left in a cold way. I keep wondering if that's why you did this. You wanted me to give up on you. You wanted to do something that would make me cause me to not try to fight for you. To give up on you. I don't know if that's what you wanted, but that's what you did.

Btw I never logged out of the app. I never stopped waiting for a notification from you that never came. I had to find out through someone else that you were just never going to talk to me again

But now, you can reject me to my face. That will be the last shovel of dirt on the grave that is now our relationship. I can't really remember the right phase for that. Just like, when you know it's really over and seeing you say goodbye is when it all really sinks in and confirms it or something idk. I'm writing this in my notes app and had to make a new note because it's so long that it wouldn't let me write anymore. But I just wanted to say everything because this will be the last time I talk to you. Btw I don't know if you saw it but I wrote a post for you on my Tumblr like a week ago. The username is midiaryofus if you forgot. So. I guess this is it. I don't know how many hours I spent on this and I'm sorry it's so long. I just needed to say everything. I'll still pray for you and everything will remind me of you for a long time and I'll go through all the stuff I have of you once the shock wears off and I feel emotionally ready to start deleting stuff. I haven't deleted a single thing yet. I still can't believe this is it. I can't believe I have to delete the things I treasure the most. I can't believe it's just over. I don't even want to think about dating again. There will never be another day day. I've grown as attached to you as I was with my childhood blankie, and Blue. Everything I've treasured. Everything that was so special to me. I don't feel like I'll ever be more than the girl guys date before they meet their wife. I don't want to date again. I can't go through all this all over again. It's the same reason I've thought about getting a cat or a dog but I can't. Maybe some day. But I feel like I'm going to be spending a long time trying to heal. Trying to make sense of this. I can't believe you deleted everything so fast. Like it never happened. Like I never existed to you.

I can't stop thinking about what you said to Zaya. That the relationship is over and has been heading that way for years.. and that I know that.. so it wasn't just in my head? All the times over the years when I told you that I felt like you didn't want to be with me.. have you just been done with me for years but couldn't tell me you didn't want to be with me? I told you so many times that you can leave whenever you want, but please just let me know so we can talk about it. So we can have closure and a civil goodbye. But you chose to end it like this. In a cold, confusing way. I don't know what I did to cause you to want to hurt me so much. But I'm sorry for everything.

So that's it I guess

Goodbye Damien

[midiaryofus]

It's been two weeks since we've talked. Technically tomorrow will be two weeks, since today is the 13th of November.

There's been so many things I've wanted to tell you. So I thought I'd tell you here. Though I don't know if you'll ever read this. Or if you even care.

You know how I thought for a long time that my actions couldn't hurt anyone? I feel the same way about my absence. I feel like nobody has ever really cared about losing me. Not even old friends. People who I was best friends with for years, have easily cut me out of their life and never looked back.

I don't know if you'll ever talk to me again. I don't think you want me back in your life. I've just been waiting, and suffering. I could just end my suffering and text you- and end up rejected or idk what will happen. But then I'll never know. Every time I've had these kinds of breakups with someone, where we say it's over and just stop talking, which most of the time just happens during a fight, which then you don't think it's really over and you're just taking time apart to cool down but then the other person doesn't text you and you start panicking like, what if it's really over? What if they really want me out of their life?

I've always been the one to break first and text first. And then usually things go back to normal. But then I'm always wondering what would have happened if I break first? Would you have texted me? Or would we never talk again and you'd move on and forget me?

I wonder all the time what you're doing and how you're feeling. Most of the time during these, I tell myself things will be fine and things will go back to normal. I'm scared they won't. Im scared you already met someone or just hooked up with someone to try to forget me, erase me from your mind, move on. I was walking around the mall with my sister's today, thinking about that, and wanting to break down crying. This is hurting me so much. I feel like you're just going about your life like normal. While I'm standing in line behind someone who looks like you, and wanting to cry because it hurts so much.

This is why I didn't want to give you my heart. This is why I didn't want to go all in and let myself fall as deeply as I can for you. This is why I held back. Because you can hurt me more than Evan did back in October of 2015. And my biggest fear for so long was reliving that. I don't know if it's a coincidence or on purpose, that we keep having this "we're over for good" thing every October. When I'm most vulnerable and scared. Scared of reliving that nightmare. 6 months of pain. Do you know why it was 6 months? Why it wasn't longer? Why 6 months?

Because I met you

I wonder if you ever hear Taylor playing on the radio and think about me. My life has been like a line from her song Anti Hero "I wake up screaming from dreaming, someday I'll watch as you're leaving, and life will lose all it's meaning"

I wake up randomly at night, remembering the pain, trying to go back to sleep but I can't and I can't turn off my mind and the fears of everything. The fears that you left me for good and you met someone and you'll never talk to me again. And I start screaming. I'm so extemely in pain and I don't know how to turn it off

When I got home not that long ago, I ran to check my phone, and saw nothing from you. I sat down on the couch and started crying. Just like I always do after I check my phone and there's always nothing

I'm starting to feel like you're not coming back. Like you're happier without me. I can't force myself back into your life if you're happier without me. Even though this is killing me.

I used to feel better after crying, every time I cry. But it doesn't matter how much I cry. The pain doesn't go away.

Remember when I told you, my love is too big for you my love?

Remember all the times I kept annoying you so much talking about my exs and how they hurt me?

Remember all the times I told you I was scared of getting hurt again?

This. This is why

I have no idea how I'm walking around like a normal person. That's what people see on the outside. They don't see inside. They don't see my heart bleeding. Call me overdramatic, but I'm not. I'm extemely hurting. And nothing takes the pain away. I lost my favorite person. I lost my best friend. I lost the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I don't care that you weren't perfect. I just wanted to be with you. Even if you hurt me so much and yell at me and make me feel like you don't care about me and I don't mean much to you

I was never going to leave you. And I didn't. Sometimes I wonder if you think that. The only thing I did was open the door and tell you that it's your choice what you do. All I want is for you to be happy. And the more days that go by without any texts from you, the more I think you chose to leave

I only see you in my dreams. I wake up in pain remembering that you aren't talking to me. But even in my dreams, you don't want me back

[midiaryofus]

im sorry. i love you

[midiaryofus]

Part 12 (last part)

That's it. I'll get him to confess how he really feels about me.

And I'll hurt him the same way he's hurting me right now.

Reed: Cool. Don't care. I was busy all night with my boyfriend. He's so cute, how he's so obsessed with me. He's always trying to kiss me.

Brenton: Mhm.

Reed: Yeah, we're so happy together. He's the best. And he's sooo sexy

Brenton: Why you telling me this?

Reed: You're right. I should be telling him. I'm going to text him. Maybe he'll want to stay the night. Don't worry, we'll try to be quiet.

Brenton: Same

Reed: Huh?

Brenton: Me and my girl, we'll try to be quiet.

My little jealously game only backfired on me.

He didn't get hurt or jealous at all. He left me being the hurt and jealous one.

I felt sick. I couldn't stop picturing him all over his new chick.. the way he was all over me.

Kissing her.. touching her.. looking deeply into her eyes..

It made me feel sick to my stomach. Why did he have to do this to me?

We could have been together. We could be dating right now.

.. But he didn't want that. He didn't want me.

And it hurt.

A lot.

I didn't sleep well that night.

I couldn't breathe. My heart hurt. My head spinning.

Pain overtook me. Memories flooding through my head.

This pain was supposed to be over, but its never over.

I needed to just let myself cry. Cry it all out.

My mind goes to the darkest, most painful thing that's ever happened to me.

The day I died.

One year ago.

My heart was racing wildly. Painfully.

Reed: Ethan

Ethan: You can't be here.

Reed: Tell me its not real.

A tear slipped from my eye, down my cheek and onto my shirt.

This wasn't real. Wasn't happening. He loves me. I know he still loves me.

Because I still love him.

Reed: Ethan

Ethan: I don't know what to tell you.

Reed: Tell me it's not real.

I felt a knife slowly stabbing into my heart.

I could see the truth on his face, in his voice.

But I don't want to believe it. It can't be real.

Reed: You have a girlfriend?

My voice went higher when I said "girlfriend". It was so hard for me to say that.

My mind wasn't believing this. He couldn't have found someone already. It can't be true.

But here we stood, so far apart, when once we were so close. His face completely blank.

Reed: Answer the question. Amber told me you do.

Ethan: damnit Amber.

My heart felt like it was being squeezed tighter and tighter.

Reed: Who is she??

Who was worth throwing away everything we have for?

(I was going to correct that from "have" to "had". But "had" is past tense. And to me.. it wasn't over.)

It is someone I know? It is someone he swore was just a friend?

He's had to have known her for awhile to suddenly be dating her.

My mind flooded with questions. My heart flooded with pain.

Ethan: No Reed. I'm not telling you.

That hurt.

I'm not even worthy of knowing.

Reed: Tell me who she is! Or I'll- I'll

Reed: I'll kill myself! I swear I will!

My mind was going to the dark side, thinking of the most extreme things.

Threatening him to tell me.

Ethan: No. I don't have to tell you. I know you'll just stalk her.

Reed: You don't care about me! You don't care if I live or die!

Ethan: You need to stop.

He can't be doing this to me. He used to love me.

Now I'm just a pathetic ex to him. And it killed me.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to slap him.

I wanted to run until my body went numb and I could feel nothing but coldness.

I wanted to not exist.

I've been through this before. I knew I needed an out.

I promised myself. After what Austin did to me, I promised myself I'd handle it better.

That I'd never let a guy do this to me again.

It took everything I had in me. To walk away with my pride.

To put on an act, put on a show,

one last time.

I'd walk away with my pride, and he'd regret doing this to me.

I felt like I was shot 8 times in the stomach. I could count each bullet.

I felt a knife stabbed in my heart and in my back.

I was shaking so hard. I felt so broken I didn't know how I was even standing. How I haven't fainted.

I had to put on the biggest performance of my life.

Reed: Oh man, sorry. I have no idea what I was doing. You probably think I'm so pathetic right now. I was just caught off guard. I'm glad you found someone.

Ethan: Thanks. She makes me really happy. I'm sure you'll find someone some day.

He was killing me more and more every second.

I have to get out of here. Right now.

Reed: I actually have found someone. He's really amazing. I should probably go now. Cya. Have a good one!

Ethan: Bye

Once the door was closed behind me, my legs gave out.

No. I can't fall apart right here.

First I need to get out of here. There's no way I can let him see he broke me.

And he did. I felt so broken inside.

Reed: (Alright listen me. We're gonna get out of here. You need to hold yourself together until we get out. And then, you can scream and cry and break down for however many weeks you need to.)

I walked away. My body full of pain. I didn't care if anyone was staring.

My face was probably white, I probably looked like the walking dead.

Which is exactly how I felt inside.

But I kept telling myself that I just had to get out of here, then I could break down.

And that's exactly what I did.

Awe, that's the end, that's as far as I got.

I really thought there was more parts with you. But I hadn't gotten there yet I guess.

I remember planning on writing about how we connected with that song "bulletproof love" and then later you're yelling in my face, "my love for you was bulletproof but you're the one who shot me".

I was writing soo many stories at the same time though. Like, 5 other stories lol. And then I quit in 2018 to move to Wattpad pretty much.

So.. that was a rollercoaster. I'm sorry there was so much ex talk. I know you're sick of it. But this just felt like.. seeing my experience through my eyes.

I wanted you to see it.

And I wanted you to know.. my ex's are gone. I should have kicked them out of my life a long time ago. I should have shown you how much you meant to me, by kicking them out of my life.

I just want you to know.. You weren't number 3. There wasn't a number 1 or 2. There was only two guys who caused me pain, who I was obsessed with making them regret hurting me.

I'm sorry you got dragged into my drama.

I remember feeling exactly like the song "Broken Arrow" by pixie lott.

Like I found the right one at the wrong time. Because my ex's were still in me like a broken arrow. And my pain caused you pain.

I really painted myself as this awful person in this story, obsessed with making guys jealous and using you. But it wasn't like that. Every time I felt guilty and like I crossed the line, Id send you a screen shot of the conversation I was feeling guilty about.

And everytime, I was surprised you were hurt by it. Yeah, I was that stupid. I wasn't used to anyone caring what I do. I've tried making guys jealous for years and they never cared. But Id do something Id feel bad about and tell you.. and it would hurt you.

You didn't deserve that. I'm so sorry for the games I played.

I'm sorry.

Here's some of the comments from random people who read this story:

Essence: You have done the one thing that no author has ever accomplished. Make me hate the MC. Instead of having a MC who is pure and innocent and a hero that everyone loves, you made her the total opposite and I love it. You are an outside the box thinker and should be very proud of creating a story like this. I have never wished for redemption for a character so hard in my life. But gosh, do I really hate her (at the moment).

WRITE YOUR HEART OUT!!!: My #1 favourite story, I think you once said on insta that you went through this and I'm so sorry, SCREW THOSE CHEATERS!!!

CarynAnne: I just started chapter 1 and i wanna say that ive ben exactly where the MC has been with a toxic relationship that was mentally abusive. Its cool(and honestly a little sad)that i can relate with this story so much already

maria: Great job. This story makes me hate it and love it at the same time. I just can't stop reading great job

JenJen19: Love the story and hope you continue to the end. I really want to see her end up with her rebound guy. Her ex is crap and doesn't deserve her back. Why does she have to be so blind and stupid ? Please finish.

Beyoncé: i was so pumped like yesss this is gonna be good and then im like WTFFFF THIS AMAZING WRITER DIDNT FINISH THE STORY pleaseeeeeeee finish itttttt

Anonymous: why is the mc so trifling why cant she think of anyone but herself

(my) Reply: Ikr? Shes gonna get a reality check

Chantalle: i love this story.....can you please continue...she has to fall for the rebound

PLEASE OMG: HIII. PLEASE UPDATE THIS STORY! I WANT EVERYTHING TO WORK OUT WITH THE REBOUND 😭😭😭😭😭

Azra: i think you should continue the story but mc and the new boi should be in a relationship thoOOoooO LOL I HATE MC'S EX AND I FELT SO SAD WHEN NEW BOI SHOUTED AT MC GOD BLESS ME :(

Panda: pls continue! i want MC to regret what she do to her rebound and got a happy ending! hehee love💕

Erin: Oh my! I love this story! Great lesson for anyone! Using someone is so uncool. I hope you will make more to make her get happy ending. Good job! :)

Does our story have a happy ending?

Reads: 14,684

[midiaryofus]

Part 11

She dyed her hair. I've stalked her on social media a couple times and noticed she dyed it.

It looked good on her. Her natural blonde hair made her pale complexion stand out even more,

Making her look ghostly. But now she was looking really hot.

I would be attracted to her even, if she wasn't such a.. what's a nice word for whore?

(bitch sent literally everybody her nudes. me, branden, parrot, randos, the whole world, sent them out like greeting cards lmao. no wonder parrot kept her as a friend.. dont know why he didnt just date her)

But I know she's still BFF with Ethan. Which means I needed to avoid her.

I also hate her guts for what she did, so there's that.

Dame: Hey, wanna dance?

Actually, I wanted to get out of here. Like now.

Reed: We need to go.

I looked at the girl who had caused me so much hurt..

Who was dancing with hot guys, like she had no care in the world.

And then the thing I dreaded most happened.

Amber: Hey. I thought that was you.

Amrat.

You know in tv shows how people who hate each other are fake nice to each other?

I've always hated that fakeness. I never understood why they did that.

Why not just be real and express your real feelings to the person, instead of being fake?

But now..

I understood.

Reed: Amber? Hey! You look great! I love your hair.

Amber: Its been forever. How've you been?

Its a pride thing. Showing them they didn't get under your skin.

That you're above them and their petty games.

Reed: I've been great. I'm just here with my boyfriend.

Oh and also lying to their face and bragging about how awesome your life is.

Dame: Hey there you are.

Amber: Who's this? Hey, I'm Amber.

Dame: And I'm with her.

Whoa, did he just put her in her place?

Ethan would have said something flirty to her. Any guy would. She's flipping hot. Weird.

(i'm so sorry I tried to set you up with her. I was so surprised you didn't go for her. You were loyal to me before we were even anything. I thought for sure you'd think she's hot and try to hook up with her. I was so shocked you didn't)

later

Dame: So how do you know her?

Reed: You don't need to know

Being with someone new is like a blank piece of paper.

I wanted to keep him knowing nothing about my past.

As much as I possibly could.

Dame: Hey, you okay?

Reed: Yeah, fine.

Dame: Liar. Come here.

In one swift motion, he pulled me onto his lap.

Dame: You're cute.

Reed: Pizza.. is cute.

I always feel weird when anyone shows affection towards me. Its how I've always been.

But that didn't mean I didn't want it. Ethan basically never showed any affection towards me.

Other than wanting to get intimate, that is.

Dame: Pizzas alright. Its not my favorite.

Reed: What!? How can you say that about pizza. Its amazing!

(awwwee I remember that convo)

That could be a deal breaker. Pizza is life man.

(lmao)

Jazmin: Guys, quit fighting about pizza. We're here.

We walked in to a party which was at full swing.

Dame: Coming?

Reed: I.. need to use the bathroom.

Dame: Join us when you're done.

(warning, the trippin thing is coming up..)

Honestly? This type of stuff triggers my anxiety.

It was easier when I had friends with me like Lave and Kristy. I don't know anyone here.

I just needed a minute in the bathroom to pull myself together.

Random girl: You're the girl who came in with Dame

Reed: Who are you?

She looked so put together, not a hair out of place. I always wondered how girls could do that.

Girl: Be careful. You don't know what you're getting yourself into.

(so basically I couldn't remember what it was that upset me enough to do the trippen thing.. so I did that..)

And just like that she walked away. Leaving me standing there dumbfound.

And with so many questions. But the main one being..

What the heck did that mean?

When I finally left the bathroom, I scanned the room for Dame. I needed to talk to him about that girl I just met in the bathroom.

I finally spotted him.

With bathroom girl.

Seriously?

Is that what's going on here? Is she some chick who's into him?

Whatever. They can have each other. It's not like I wanted him anyways.

(ouch. like that hurts me. old me talking about the guy I love like that.. she def didn't deserve you)

But he doesn't get to mess with me. He has no idea who's he's dealing with.

If he's going to flirt all night, then so am I.

(all she knew about relationships was games. sad.)

I searched the room for the right person.

Reed: Hey guys. Want to play a game?

I successfully managed to get three guys to come to the bedroom with me.

And no, I'm not planning on doing what you're thinking. Geesh cut me a little slack.

Reed: So, I thought it would be fun to start up a game of truth or dare.

(so this is basically the truth or dare group chat..)

I figured everybody here knew Dame. So I was thinking..

If I got flirty with a few guys, he'd end up hearing about it.

That would show him that I'm Not a girl to mess with.

(in reality, I added you to the group chat so you'd see me flirting with guys.. not a moment im proud of)

Reed: I mean, he clearly has a thing going on with bathroom girl

Yet, since I've known him, he's been acting like he's obsessed with me and wants only me.

Now I know that's not true. He's got a ton of girls lined up. He's probably even dating three chicks.

I mean, a guy that smooth and good looking? Ugh. How did I not see through him from the start?

I guess it goes to show how blind I am. I mean, I danced around my room after meeting him.

(i was soooo convinced you were flirting with a ton of girls)

But no. I'm not being the stupid ignorant girl who gets walked all over anymore.

He needs to know that I'm not the one he should mess with.

I'll mess with him before he ever gets a chance to mess with me.

(its like, when all you know is living on a battlefield, you think everyone is trying to kill you... i truly believed all guys would hurt me and they'd all treat me the same.. i mean, it had happened so far..)

Tyler: Yesss! I'm down for some t or d.

Dalton: I'm for sure in.

Dalton was def the best looking for the three of them.

I for sure would enjoy flirting with him.

Reed: So I'll go first. Dalton, truth or dare?

Dalton: Hmm.. I pick truth.

Reed: If you got me in a room alone, what would you do with me? ;)

Tyler: Awesome!

Dalton: Probably just.. f*ck it up. But I'd love to take your to my favorite places.

I was kind of hoping for.. something a little more risque.

Tyler: Lammee. I know what I'd do to you. And you'd love it.

Dalton: Okay, I dare everybody to write my name on their forehead.

Tyler: It doesn't work like that. And I'm not doing it.

Reed: What if I write it.. Some place else?

I take a lipstick out of my purse and write his name across my chest.

Dalton: That's hot.

When I got back to Kristys, all I wanted to do was get in my bed and forget this night happened.

Dame: I hardly saw you tonight cutie.

I hated being called things like "sweetie" and "cutie". It made me feel like a kid.

(I really don't like it but I never said anything..)

Dame: Is something wrong? Did I do something?

Reed: You were flirting with a girl all night. I saw it.

Dame: You are way off.

Reed: Oh, am I?

Dame: She is not, nor has she ever been my girlfriend.

Reed: Suuurree.

Dame: I'm serious. Nothing is going on with her.

I speed walked to the elevator

Dame: Wait!

Hoping to make it inside before he could catch me.

Dame: Can we please talk about this?

Reed: I saw you two flirting! I'm not letting you play me.

Dame: She's dating my friend Jay. Okay? Not me.

Reed: Maybe she wants to date you.

Dame: Reed, look at me.

I didn't move.

Dame: I don't have a girlfriend. The only girl I want to be with is you.

Dame: I swear, you're the only girl who's had my attention since we've met.

The elevator pinged, meaning we were at my floor.

Dame: Goodnight silly.

Crap. I was so sure. So sure he had three girlfriends and he wanted a fourth.

But he could be lying..

When I turned the corner to Kristy's apartment, I saw him standing by the door.

Reed: Um, what are you doing?

Dame: I can't walk you to your door?

Reed: Goodnight.

I waited for him to leave, or move, so I could get inside.

But he didn't move.

If I wanted to get inside, I'd have to stand very close to him.

My heart was racing as I walker closer and closer towards him..

I could feel his glaze on me, even though I kept my eyes trained on the door.

I looked away and turned my back to him, my hand on the door nob.

Dame: Wait.

He startled me by walking towards me. I instinctively placed my hands on his chest and took a few steps back.

He took a few steps closer to me, causing my heart rate to speed up.

Dame: Can I kiss you?

Reed: Uh.. okay.. I guess.

He picked me up and pressed me into the door.

This felt so wrong..

Which was why I felt chills run down my back.

I in no way wanted a relationship. I'm just leading him on.. I need to stop.

But stopping was hard. My head felt light and dizzy. He was kissing me like he wanted me.

And it felt good to be wanted.

No. This was wrong.

I placed my hands on his chest and pushed him away.

That.. was intense.

Reed: Uh.. I... Goodnight!

It was pretty quiet inside. Was anyone even here?

Wait.. what was that??

I heard the sound of a female giggling come from the tv room.

The second I stepped in, I instantly regretted it.

Girl: Brent! Stop doing that! *giggle*

Ouch.

I felt like I was going to be sick. I wasn't completely over him. I did Not want to see him all over his maybe girlfriend.

Maybe I can just sneak out before they see me.

Girl: Who's that?

Reed: Uh.. hi? I was just looking for the girls.

I pretended to be looking around, as if they'd be hiding behind a plant or something.

Reed: I'm just.. going to text them.

It wasn't fair. After what he did.. I thought one day he'd come back begging on his knees.

But he doesn't care. At all. He's moved on.

.. And Brenton was coming this way.

My arm pits were sweaty and my heart was pounding so hard that it hurt.

I can't let him see how this was killing me inside.

Brenton: What are you doing?

Reed: You're just such a-

Brenton: What are you so pissed about?

Reed: Nothing. I just want you to stay away from me.

Brenton: Well.. you're the one standing this close to me.

He was right, I was standing close.. too close.

I wanted to just grab his shirt and kiss him.

..But I can't. He's the one who rejected me.

And I don't even know why.

Brenton: You're being weird.

After everything he did, why did I have to be the one who was hurt?

It should be him, wishing he hadn't done what he did..

Brenton: Are you jealous of my girlfriend or something?

He said it. He used the word "girlfriend".

Reed: Oh, so when you tried to hook up with me in the bathroom, you did have a girlfriend.

Brenton: I didn't try to hook up with you. I don't like you. And she wasn't my girlfriend then. She is now.

Why was he trying to hurt me? I didn't get it.

He had to know this was killing me. So why?

Why reject me, flirt with me, date someone else, and then tell me he doesn't like me?

That's it. I'll get him to confess how he really feels about me.

And I'll hurt him the same way he's hurting me.

[midiaryofus]

Part 10

I'll ask him to come over. He seems super into me, so I think he will

Reed: Hey, wanna take this back to my place?

Dame: We're going out tonight with some people. You're welcome to come.

Reed: Where are you guys going?

Dame: Just out to have some fun

Reed: Great. Mind if I run out real quick to get ready?

Dame: Go ahead

Reed: Okay, I'll be back in a bit.

Dame: I miss you already.

(annnd we're back in cringe city. you're probably like, ew Im nothing like this)

Okay, just relax. Yeah right. I'm gonna walk in and my almost ex is gonna be all over some chick.

After tonight, I'll watch a click flick. I can already see myself telling at the screen "NO! HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU!"

I thought about Brenton seeing me with Dame. When he sees me with another guy, he's so going to regret rejecting me.

Reed: Oh hey Brenton. Where's your girlfriend?

Brenton: She's not my girlfriend.

I felt a sense of relief rush through my body.

Brenton: Does it mean someone's your girlfriend if you makeout with them a lot?

Anndd the knot found its way back into my stomach.

Brenton: I dunno. I like her. We're taking it slow.

Reed: Cool.

I got dressed and went to meet Dame at the nightclub.

But when we got there..

I saw someone I never wanted to see again.

And for the third time that day, I felt sick to my stomach.

But this time, it was so much worse.

3 Years Ago..

He told me she was just a friend.

But I knew, from the moment I first saw her..

That there was more than just a friendship between them.

I mean, she's gorgeous.

What guy could be just friends with someone like her?

Every guy wants her.. And she knows it.

... Except the one guy she wants.

Because he was dating me.

Ethan: Reed, this is my friend, Amber.

Amber: Nice to meet you.

(i swear they're still friends to this day.. btw, she's had feelings for him the whole time but he rejected her and friend zoned her a long time ago.. yet they'd trade half naked pics. wouldnt be surprised if she was the girl who blackmailed me years ago...)

They say never trust a guy with a female best friend..

Ha. That couldn't be more true.

Anyone with eyes could tell she was into him.

Except for him.. he's either super ignorant or he pretends not to see it.

And when I asked him about it?

He told she didn't like him, and that he didn't see her that way.

Oh, the lies. How many times I've wished I could go back in time to this moment..

And slap his face.. and then walk away from him, for good.

It wasn't my first time going through this, and I told myself it wouldn't happen again, ever.

But I decided to give it a chance. And I befriended her.

And we actually became pretty good friends.

For awhile, I didn't see her as someone trying to steal my boyfriend.

I asked her about her relationship with Ethan.

She told me she used to like him, but he rejected her, and started dating my friend Kate.

But I didn't believe that she was over him.

Especially by the way she'd subtly say things to hurt me.

But he wouldn't listen to me.

Reed: She still wants you!

Reed: She's plotting to get rid of me so she can have you!

Ethan: I've known her for years, Reed, she's not like that.

He didn't believe me.

(a girl knows when a bish wants her man)

Reed: Yeah, I've heard all that before. You know what happened with my last ex. He had a female best friend. She liked him and he never believed me.

(ugh, craig and hannah. that bish wanted him but he didn't believe me. she started a fight with me when he left on a trip. when he came home, I had been planning on telling him "I love you" for the first time. We dated for like, 3 months? but hadn't say the L word. He came home and was pissed at me for fighting with hannah. She got to him first and convinced him I was the bad guy. He dumped me. I swore I'd never let that shit happen again.. and then evan and amber walk into my life.. =) fun)

Ethan: Okay. I believe you.

But he only said that to stop the fight.

He knew she liked him, he had to.

I mean, with the crap those two had going on behind my back..

He knew exactly what he was doing.

Ethan: Aren't you going to watch the movie? Amber? Are you asleep?

Amber: My boyfriend has been very mean to me again.

Ethan: Why are you with him? Hes a douche.

Yeah, same can be said about you, buddy.

(lmao yes! drag him!)

Amber: Will you cuddle me? Please? I'm really sad.

She cuddled into his chest and he wrapped an arm around her, stroking her hair.

The type of thing couples do. Except, they're not a couple.

And he's never wanted to cuddle with me.

But tell me, do you think this is just an innocent friendship?

(that was inspired by things amber herself told me. she told me they cuddled)

Well what about this?

Do you send naked pictures of yourself to someone who's just your "friend"?

The same pictures he'd send to me.. He'd send to other girls.

But I didn't get to find out about that, until the end.

(she showed me pics she had of him naked in a towel :) awwe what a nice friendship)

After Ethan told me that we were done, that he'd never fight for me..

I was heartbroken.

Kristy told me to go 30 days without talking to him.

She said it would help me get over him, and that he'd miss me.

And that's what I was holding my breath for.

(you poor delusional thing ... yes im talking to myself)

But I looked for loopholes. Like being close with Amber, his best friend.

(welp this is gonna hurt me to reread this..)

Acting so completely over him.

So she'd tell him how over him I am, and he'd be hurt and want me back.

Except, I might have taken it a bit far..

I actually started to get feelings for her..

But I'd forgotten what a hoe she is. And I was just an experiment to her.

She'd play with my feelings. Send me pictures of herself with a lack of clothes.

Just so she'd feel hot. Like "Oooh even a girl likes me! I must be hot."

Which is just so messed up, to play with someones feelings like that.

But I didn't know that yet, either.

(ugh didn't need that reminder.. that THAT happened.. yuck)

It had been exactly a month since I last talked to him.

I did it. I could do this. I made it a month, I can make it the rest of my life without him.

Well, it made it easy, with the hope he'd beg on his knees for me back anytime that.

..Except that was never going to happen. But again, didn't know that yet.

(rereading the worst pain in my life is so fun lmao)

Reed: Can I ask you something?

Amber: What?

Reed: Why are you friends with Ethan? You know he doesn't care about you, right?

Regret regret regret.

(for real. I wonder how long I would have been able to go without finding out he had a gf, if this conversation had never happened...)

Asking that question, had been the bullet loaded into the gun that had caused my death.

Metaphorical, of course. But also emotional.

(wait I'm not actually dead? you sure? lmao)

I mean, I just wanted her on my side. I thought she cared about me.

How could she be friends with an evil, heartless jerk like Ethan?

I only told her the truth. What he had told me when we were together.

Amber: What do you mean? He cares about me.

Reed: Amber.. when I was dating him.. he told me something.

(i'm already starting to get pissed..)

Amber: What?

She wasn't going to like this, but she needed to know.

Reed: He said, "Fuck, Austin, Abby, Amber, everyone starting with an A, all I care about is you Reed"

(I HAD A FUCKING SCREEN SHOT OF IT TOO BUT MY DUMBASS DELETED IT HDKJHKS)

Amber: He wouldn't say that.

Reed: I just wanted you to know.

(tried to tell ya rat in a blonde weave)

I wasn't prepared for her not to believe me. At all.

Amber: He cares about me. I'll prove it.

Reed: Okay, go ahead.

Amber: I told you.

And she showed me her phone.

Amber: Do you care about me?

Ethan: Of course I do. Why would you ask me that..?

Amber: Reed said you dont

Ethan: I do.

Amber: She told me you said "fuck amber"

His reply took all the breath from my lungs and made my blood turn cold.

Ethan: Don't listen to her. She's just being bitter. I may have said something like that awhile back to get her to stop worrying, but I didn't mean it.

(FUCKING LYING TO MY ASS LITTLE BITCH)

(He also told her I was just being bitter about the breakup too.. BITCH I WASNT TALKING TO YO ASS FOR A MONTH AND I WAS HAPPIER WITHOUT YO NOODLE HEAD IN MY LIFE)

(sorry.. this is kinda therapeutic for me though. Wish I shit on him when i had the chance :'( lmao)

I read it over and over. It was a lie. He lied to me.

I used to worry about his relationship with Amber, asking him about her a lot.

He had told me that all he cared about was me.

He only said that to shut me up.

(i'll shut him up with my fist to his mouth :) lol)

It was happening again. I couldn't breathe. I felt sick.

And so so embarrassed.

When we were together, I was supposed to be his girl. He was supposed to tell girls like Amber that he's taken.

(yes but cheaters don't give af bout nobodies feels)

But all he's been doing is telling them I wasn't anything to him.

It had been a month since we talked. And he doesn't miss me. He doesn't miss me at all.

It didn't make it easier, that Amber was standing there smirking at me.

Amber: Look Reed, I think you should know something.

Amber: He'd send me naked pictures of him. In a towel on SelfieChat. When you were dating him.

He's my bestfriend. Don't tell me he doesn't care about me.

Oh, but you don't mean sh*t to him, blondie. Hes lying to you.

Just like he lied to me. He picked Amber over me. He freaking picked her over me.

Amber: He's always there for me. He always cuddles me when I'm sad.

(bitchbitchbitch)

Reed: Wait. What?!

I was going to throw up, right on her perfect name brand shoes.

He's.. CUDDLED her?!

No.

No no no no no no no.

He's never cuddled me.. He's never asked, nor made a move.

And I'd been too afraid to. (Fear of intimacy. But I don't realize that until waay later on.)

Reed: Why would he.. are you dating him?

Amber: No. But I think he has a girlfriend. I'm like 98 percent sure.

Reed: Amber, please stop. I can't take this.

But she didn't. She kept going on and on.

Like she wanted to hurt me.

(yeah because bitch wanted to hurt you)

After I cut Ethan out of my life, I cut her out of my life too.

It was me or him, and she picked him. I didn't need a friend like her in my life.

(of COURSE she picked the lying, cheating skum bag =) )

No, she wasn't a friend. A real friend would never try to hurt me like that.

.. And there she was, not twenty feet away. The best friend to the guy who murdered my heart.

[midiaryofus]

Part 9

Lavern: Aren't you gay?

Brenton: Half.

Kristy: And he has a girlfriend.

Yeah. That she never told me about.

Brenton: I need to go pee pee.

I caught a whiff of his smell as he passed me and my head felt dizzy and my heart ache.

Reed: Seriously Kristy?

Kristy: Seriously what? Aren't you over him by now?

Reed: You know what he did. And now he has some girlfriend. You never told me.

Kristy: I thought you were over him.

I wasn't. I wasn't over what Brent or what Ethan did to me.

It made me feel sick that Brenton had a girlfriend.

Reed: Why. Why can he date her but he rejected me?

(it seriously hurts when someone won't date you, but has no problem dating someone else)

Kristy: He's a doof, we both know that. Lets forget about him and have breakfast. Okay?

later

Brenton: You look real nice.

Reed: I have a lunch date with bae.

Brenton: That's neat. Real neat.

Reed: Do you know how we met?

Brenton: I don't care.

Reed: We connected right away.

Brenton: I connect with pizza.

Reed: He's sooo hot. He looks like a male model.

Brenton: My left foot looks like a model.

It wasn't working. He was either pretending he didn't care or he really didn't.

Reed: Yup, so I should be going now.

Brenton: Why are you still here?

Reed: Don't fart on my bed.

Brenton: I'm not making any promises.

Brenton: If it smells really bad, you can sleep with me on the air mattress. ;)

Reed: Don't you have a girlfriend?

Brenton: Yeah, and she wouldn't care. Cause I'm gay.

(that. was so. CONFUSSSIINNGGG. ugh. I'd vent to kristy about it all the time. he'd flip back and forth to flirting with me, to hurting me with his girlfriend talk. That's Austins signature move. idk why tf branden was doing it)

Reed: Well, have fun rooming with Lave.

Brenton: She's hot, so I will.

Reed: Don't you have a girlfriend?

Brenton: She'd agree with me.

Reed: okay well.. bye

later

Dame: Hey there sexy.

After thinking about it on my walk this morning, I decided the best thing is to just be friends. I don't want a boyfriend, but I did want to keep him around.

Reed: Yeah.. I thought we could talk about stuff.

Jazmin: Hey.

(remember when I made that fake account "jazmin" or whatever? well, in this story i made her your friend lol)

Jazmin: Is this the girl you've been tellin me about Dame?

Dame: This is Reed

He told his friend about me?

Reed: Hi, nice to meet you.

Jazmin: Brb, cookies are ready.

Reed: Who is she?

Dame: Just a friend. You have nothing to worry about

I could smell the cookies from here, they smelled amazing.

And so did he. A very manly smelling cologne. His hair looked neat, he looked put together.

Was he trying to impress me?

I seriously needed to talk to him.

I'm in no condition for a relationship right now, and I have to tell him that.

(the amount of times ive said i'm not ready for a relationship in this xD sooooo maaannnyyy)

Lavern texted me: DON'T COME HOME! DORKY-O EFFBOI & HIS CHICKEN NUGGET ARE HERE!

Already?? Its only been a few hours. It was bad enough he showed up.. now this.

I felt a wave of fear and sickness wash over me.

Who wants cookies!

Suddenly I wasn't hungry anymore.

8 Months ago...

I couldn't breathe.

My heart felt like it was squeezed. My stomach felt sick.

I felt like I was breathing through a straw.

And I couldn't breathe. It felt like there was no air in the room.

I started feeling light headed and dizzy. Like I was about to pass out.

But I couldn't get air. I couldn't-

Brenton: Reed, what's wrong?

Reed: Can't.. breathe...

Brenton: Breathe Reed! BREATHE!

Brenton ran to the window and opened it.

A gust of air filled the room.

And suddenly I felt like I could breathe.

Brenton: Are you okay?

I broke down in tears.

No. I wasn't okay. And it felt like I never would be again.

My knees felt too weak to keep me standing. I slowly started to fall to the ground.

Normally, I wouldn't want anyone to see my like this. Normally, I'd be embarrassed.

But I was in too much pain to care.

Its been so hard to let myself just cry and let it out.

And now that I was, I didn't want to stop.

Brenton got down on the ground next to me and wrapped his arms around me.

Which made me cry even harder.

But it felt good that he was there. That he cares. Cares about me.

I've always felt like.. no one cared about me.

Brenton: Shhhh. Its okay.

It felt so good knowing someone actually cared.

Reed: Thanks Brent.

Brenton: What happened?

Reed: I was stalking him.. again.

Brenton: That's never a good idea. It just causes you more hurt.

I know. It hurt to stalk. But it hurt more not to stalk.

I went a week without stalking. But I panicked.

Wondering what my ex and his gf were up to. I'd assume the worst.

Its kind of like a gamble. If there's nothing new that's been posted, I relax a little.

But if there's something new.. and its bad.. then it kills me.

Reed: I don't know how to stop.

Brenton: You need to. Its not helping you. Why don't we do something to take your mind off of it.

Reed: Like what?

Brenton: I dunno. You got a deck of cards or some?

Reed: Yes! We can play gold fish!

Brenton thinking: (What in the fuck is gold fish?)

Brenton: How do we play?

Reed: Like you ask someone if they have a 2 and if they don't you say gold fish.

Brenton thinking: (Isn't that go fish? What is she on?)

Brenton: Okay sounds good.

(later we talked about that. he told me he was thinking, "what in the fuck is gold fish" and then he thought, "OHHH she probably means go fish" and then he said, "you were in that fucked up mind state so i didnt correct you")

Now here I was again. Unable to breathe. And this time it was caused by Brenton.

I didn't have him anymore to calm me down.

Instead of the guy who'd help take the pain away, he was the one causing it.

I was having an anxiety attack. Right here, right now.

I need to get out of here, I need air.

Dame: What's wrong? Are you okay?

Reed: I'm fine.

Dame: Are you sure?

I couldn't speak. My throat was burning from holding in tears.

If I spoke, I'd break down. I needed to pull myself together.

I dug my nail into my palm and bit down on my tongue.

Stop. You're fine. Everything's fine.

I cussed over and over in my head.

I'm this close to breaking down.

I need to get out of here.

Dame: Please, talk to me.

I couldn't fight it anymore. I broke down.

Dame: What is it? What's wrong?

Reed: It's nothing.

He probably thinks I'm a weirdo.

I used to think this was normal. It is normal? I don't know.

I've been like this my whole life. I don't know what normal feels like.

I didn't want to accept that I had this before.

I'd try to just deal with. I mean, I see other people dealing with this stuff just fine.

But one day I had to accept it. I have extremely bad anxiety.

But even still. I act like I don't have it. I haven't told anyone about it.

I don't want to be judged or treated differently.

I can't control this. My body just freaks out sometimes.

Its just so embarrassing.

I just want to pretend it doesn't exist.

Dame: What is it?

I don't have to tell him about my anxiety disorder.. but I guess I could tell him about Brent...

Reed: Nothing its just.. I found out this.. sort of ex, has a new girlfriend.

Dame: You still have feelings for him?

Reed: Its just.. he hurt me. He wouldn't even date me.. but...

But he'd date someone else.

Reed: I'm sorry.. this is silly. You probably think I'm weird.

Dame: I think you're really cute.

(annnd then more rom com movie typa shiznick, so i'm gonna skip that, but long story short, we went swimming lol)

Reed: Do you ever pretend you're a mermaid when you swim?

Was that something weird to say?

Dame: Is that what you do?

Reed: I like to make up stories. Like I'm a mermaid who's been captured by a sea witch. And a merman saves me and we swim off together.

Dame: That's pretty cute.

No that was weird.

Maybe I shouldn't have said that out loud.

I'm weird.

I try to act like a normal person, I try to blend in, but I'm weird.

Reed: I need to use the bathroom

I text my friends: Guys. Really don't want to see Brents gf. Let me know when she leaves. Btw, is she ugly?

(shallow smh)

Lavern texted back: Kinda.. shes not sexy. ig average ish?

Reed: Yeeessss!

Oops, not the best thing to be shouting while in the bathroom. I hope no one heard me.

And okay, I know bad to call someone ugly. But a girl never wants her ex to upgrade.

Ex's are supposed to be pinning over their ex's, unable to find better, regretting what they did, begging for forgiveness..

But I can't hide from him forever.

I guess I should just face the music.

Face the guy who didn't want to be in a relationship with me.. in a relationship with someone else.

I can bring Dame with me.. I could make Brenton jealous..

(smh she never learns)

If he wants to rub his girl in my face..

I'll play the same game.

(oh boy)

Game on Brent.

[midiaryofus]

Part 8

6 months ago..

I'm finally going to do it. I'm finally going to ask him out.

I couldn't believe I was actually going to date again, after the biggest heartbreak of my life.

But he's different. He was there for me the whole time I struggled to get over Ethan.

Holding me at night when I couldn't sleep. Letting me fall asleep in his arms.. Being my shoulder to cry on.

He's different. I knew I wasn't ready for a relationship, but..

I decided I was going to jump into this like jumping into the pool after being in the hot tub for so long.

I wanted this. I wanted to ask him to be my boyfriend.

And yeah, it'd be cool if my ex found out and got super jealous.

But I wanted this, needed this, if I feel deeply in love with someone new..

I'd be able to get over Ethan faster.

I know he wants this too. He's just kinda shy about his feelings.

So I decided I was going to make the first move. I knew how he felt about me. And I know what he'll say.

Here goes nothing..

Reed: Hey.. I wanted to talk to you about something...

Brenton: Then spit it out girl.

I love his sense of humor. You never know what he's going to say.

Brenton: What's so funny? Do I smell weird?

Reed: No, you smell amazing.

Brenton: What about my feet? How do they smell?

Reed: Oh, they smell like you shoved your foot up someone's ass

He laughs, I was beaming. I loved making him laugh.

Brenton: That why you're here? To smell my ass smelling feet?

Reed: I wanted to ask you something..

Reed: These past few months I've spent with you.. You've been there for me through all of this. And I really like spending time with you. You've been there for me more than anyone has.. even through all the crying.. embarrassing stuff.. You've been so nice to me. I wouldn't have made it through my breakup with Ethan without you. We've been hooking up for awhile and.. I want more than that.

Reed: I really like you Brenton. I've been waiting for you to ask me this.. but you haven't so I just thought I would..

Reed: Will you be my boyfriend?

I looked at his face and the smile dropped from my lips. His expression was blank.

Why was he being weird? We've hooked up so many times.. He was the second person I've ever been with..

He had to want to date me.. right?

I thought the hooking up meant we'd soon be something.. I thought we already were something...

So why was he being weird?

Reed: Say something..

Brenton: I shit in my garden so I don't have to use fertilizer.

Reed: Brent.. I'm being serious.. I really like you.

Brenton: Ew. That's gay. I'm gay.

Reed: You're bi..

Brenton: I'm gay. I like dick.

Reed: Brent, stop joking around. You're hurting my feelings.

Brenton: What are feelings? I don't have those.

Reed: Why are you acting like this? I just want an answer..

Brenton: Guess I should have told you. I've been flirting with Kyla.

I felt sick. This couldn't be happening.

I'm still so broken over Ethan. I put my broken heart into Brents hands..

And he turned the remainder of the shattered pieces of my heart, into dust.

I fell for him.. I slept with him.. I trusted him...

I thought he was different.

(fuck this hurts, rereading all this.)

My mind flashed through the past three months we spent together..

All the intimate moments. All the times I cried on his shoulder and he showed me so much care and comfort. All the time's we'd play card games together, to distract me from the latest news about Ethan. All the things he said to me.. he told me he'd fall asleep pretending he was holding me..

How could he hurt me like this?

Reed: Why are you doing this?? I wanted to be with you.

For one single moment, he was serious, transparent.

Brenton: I wanted to be with you too..

Reed: Then why are you doing this?! Why are you acting like this?!

And then it was gone.

Brenton: I'm not acting. I have no feelings.

That was it. He showed his true feelings he's buried deep down for just a second.

His guard is back up and he's shut me out. He's not going to let me in again.

I felt like screaming and crying at the same time.

Reed: Fine! Be that way! Act like you have no feelings!

Brenton: I don't.

Reed: You don't give a crap about mine!

Reed: I can't believe you're doing this.. I trusted you.

Brenton: You shouldn't have.

Reed: We're done. I never want to see you or hear from you again. You broke my heart even more than it already is.

Reed: Congrats.

(and then I sent him the song Congratulations by Rachel Platten.)

(we never talked about what happened. I tried to when we became friends again. But he wouldn't tell me anything. I'll never know why he decided to hurt me like that)

And now here we were. Face to face.

Brenton: Nice pjs.

Reed: Uh.. what are you doing here?

Brenton: Mom got sick of me playing videos games. Told me to come here and do something. Thought it'd be fun to crash your girls party.

So he knew I was here. Did he come here because he wanted to see me?

Did he finally want to-

Brenton: Also can bring my girl over anytime. We'll have more privacy to do what we want.

What was he talking about?? He was dating someone? Kristy never told me..

I felt and panic take over my body.

Reed: Wait.. what? You're.. dating someone?

Brenton: Yup. Have been for awhile.

I was dying inside. But I wouldn't let him see it.

Reed: Oh cool, that's great.

What was I going to say? "Wow so you wouldn't date me but you'll date another girl?"

I can't say that. I hate being fake, but I've been through this so many times.

Showing an ex, (almost ex since he wouldn't even date me,) that what he did hurt me..

He'll make be feel pathetic and stomp all over me. No. I have my pride.

(I met you like a month after he broke me. When we had became "friends" again (bran and I), it was this whole game of him telling me about this girl he liked and everybody assumed they were dating and they'd sleep in the same bed together.. basically became one of Austins heartbreak games)

That's when an idea hit me.

Reed: I'm dating someone too.. He just left actually. He's so into me. Like soooo obsessed with me its cray.

I should invite him over. If I can get him to come over, I can rub it in Brents face.

Yeah, okay, maybe it sounds evil and like I'm using Dame again.

But after what Brenton did to me..

Reed: Well I'm gonna go see my bae

I took the elevator down, then back up. Then I took it back down, then back up again.

Trying to figure out what I'd do, now that Brents going to be hanging around here.

[midiaryofus]

Part 7

"This is looking like a contest. Of who can ask like they care less."

I sit on the curb as I wait for the bus, it'll be here any second now.

"WAIT!"

Someone was calling my name.

Was it Dame? Was it Ethan?

Lavern: You're leaving?

(when nobody cares about you so you have to make up a person lmao)

Reed: There's no reason for me to stay here anymore.

Lavern: What you did wasn't cool. But that doesn't mean you run away.

Reed: I'm embarrassed Lave.

Lavern: Stuff happens, you just stick it out.

Reed: Kristy hates me. She's never going to talk to me again.

Lavern: Of course she will. She's our friend. Who do you think drove me here?

I looked up and saw Kristy in the drivers seat of her car.

Lavern: Come on, it's getting late.

Later

Lavern: Stop looking at me like that. Farting is a natural thing.

Kristy: Dude it stunk the whole ride.

Lavern: Goodnight!

Kristy: You were pretty quiet in the car Reed.

(probably cause of laverns smelly fart lmao)

Kristy: Are you sorry you did it?

Reed: Did what?

Kristy: Used a guy totally into you to make your ex jealous?

Reed: Yeah, I'm really sorry. I knew it was wrong.

Kristy: Good. Now you should apologize to Dame in the morning. Goodnight

I knew she was right. I just never meant to get so close. I completely led him on, and then used him. He fell for me, while I stayed guarded. It was wrong. To use someone like that. To play with their feelings. I tried to tell him I wasn't over my ex. But he still wanted me. And I couldn't resist. Its too late to undo it. I hurt him.

We could of had something, but I blew it.

I texted Dame in the morning.

Dame: Meet you in 15 mins

My heart started racing. He's actually going to talk to me.

There he was. Sitting there alone, on his phone. What was he thinking? Did he hate me? Why would he even want to talk to me again after last night? I thought he hated me.

Reed: Thanks for meeting me.

Dame: I'm very upset about what you did.

Reed: I know, I'm sorry.

Dame: Are you?

Reed: I am. I knew I wasn't ready to date. I didn't see this as anything serious. I thought if my ex saw me with another guy, he'd know how it feels. And then I thought, maybe you could help me get over him for good. I didn't realize that you were so into me.

Dame: I was smitten from word go. You used my sincerity to make another dude jealous.

Reed: I know, I'm sorry.

Dame: And what about all the dirty pics of you that you sent to my phone?

Reed: My exs girlfriend did that. She sent them to everyone at the party.

Dame: You we're making out with other dudes when you were seeing me.

Reed: We were never exclusive.

Dame: Seriously? "We were never exclusive"?

Reed: Weren't you hooking up with other girls?

Dame: No. I wasn't. I was loyal and committed to you. You were the only one in my eyes.

(it hits hard because a lot of that are things you actually said to me)

Reed: I'm sorry. I had no idea.

Reed: Do you think maybe we can start over?

Dame: I don't know if we can. But I still have feelings for you. If you want to try to make it up to me, go ahead.

Reed: Okay, I understand.

Dame: Do you want to come over tonight?

Reed: Yeah. That would be great

Dame: Alright. I gotta go. I'll see you tonight.

Later

Kristy: Hey, remember when you almost dated my brother?

(I made branden be kristys brother in this story..)

Reed: Don't even go there.

Kristy: You guys were pretty cute. Too bad it didn't work out. We could of been sister in laws.

I met Kristys brother not long after I met Kristy.

We just had this kind of bond where we just.. clicked. He was there for me the most after all the Ethan stuff.

I started to fall for him.. but when I confessed my feelings, he turned me down cold. I guess it freaked him out, someone having serious feelings for him.

But he didn't have to rub it in my face, that he had been flirting with other girls.

Especially after we- uh- did stuff together.

But whatever. After that, I cut him out of my life. I didn't want to talk about it again. I shouldn't even be thinking about it right now.. Whatever.

But suddenly I could stop thinking about it..

9 months ago..

The way he touched me, the way he kissed me. His hands in my hair, cupping my face, searching my body. Being with him made me stop thinking about Ethan.

He walked us to my bed. My mind felt dizzy and excited. I know him. I trust him. He wouldn't use me for my body.

He wanted me as much as I wanted him. I couldn't resist or try to stop this if I tried.

In my head I was thinking, "screw you Ethan"

If only he could see me now.

He was kissing me more intense now, like he wanted it bad. I felt the bed against the back of my legs, and suddenly I wasn't so sure.

Was this really what I wanted? Or was this just spite?

I don't know. And I didn't want to think about it anymore.

In one quick motion, he laid me down on the bed.

(I seriously doubt you want all the intimate details. i dont wanna hear it either lmao. its almost over)

He climb on the bed on top of me, his lips finding mine again. His weight on my body felt so good. Even though this felt so wrong.

He wasn't Ethan. But I wished he was.

Maybe if I keep my eyes closed, I can just pretend its him.

Every part of me was crying out for Ethan.

But I knew he was gone, done with me. He was having his way with his new girl.

If he can do that so easily so can I.

I don't need him.

There was no stopping now.

(annnnd its over, for now..)

Lavern: Hey you look good

Kristy: She's going to see Dame

Lavern: Are you two getting it on?

(I wish)

Reed: Just hanging out.

later

Reed: Hey

Dame: Hey. Jay is out right now.

Reed: Jay?

Dame: My friend and roommate

Reed: Okay

Dame: So I set out some snacks and a movie.

(awe, watching a movie together, wonder what that's like.. lil bit salty)

After the movie, he texted me late that night

Dame: I miss you. I want to be with you.

Reed: I told you, I'm not ready for a relationship.

Dame: I don't care. I want you. Please tell me you want me to.

Reed: We'll talk later

All I want right now is sleep

Reed: What are you doing here?!

Dame: I wanted to see you.

Reed: So you just decided to come over?

Dame: Last night.. We hardly talked during the movie. And right after you left.

Reed: And you thought we'd hook up.

(stop assuming that ya issue loaded mini marshmallow)

Dame: No. I just miss you. I want to try again.

Reed: Dame..

He kissed my forehead.

Dame: Just think about it.. Okay?

(I really made you look like an angel)

Our lips only touched for a second before I pushed him away. All of this just felt so strange.

Reed: You should go.

Kristy: Hey, are you okay?

Lavern: We heard everything. We were listening outside the door.

Lavern: What? Everybody does it.

Kristy: Are you going to get back together with him?

Reed: We were never in a relationship. Just casual dating, but he saw it as more.

Lavern: But are you gonna get back together?

Reed: I don't know..

Kristy: Well don't make the same mistakes again.

Yeah, I wanted to have a relationship with Dame. But I knew I wasn't ready for one. I still couldn't get over Ethan.

(i didn't want his ass back, i was terrified of him wanting to get back together. it was a struggle because i was hurting so bad but terrified of dating him again because i knew he'd cheat on me again..)

Lavern: REED GET THE DOOR! KRISTYS HAIR IS STUCK IN MY EARRING AGAIN!

I had no idea who would be at the door.

.. And It happened to be the person I'd least expected to see.

Someone who I never wanted to see, or talk to, ever again.

But there he was..

Standing there before me.

Looking just the way I remembered him..

Brenton.

Things were about to get a lot more awkward.

[midiaryofus]

Part 6

Kristy: Are you sure you want to go to this?

Reed: I'm sure.

Kristy: You don't want to make Ethan jealous anymore right?

Reed: Right. So over it.

Now was not a good time to start telling the truth.

Kristy: I'm proud of you Reed. I think you're finally moving on.

Kristy: I gotta say, I really like Dame.

Every word she said made me feel more and more guilty.

Dame: Hey.

Reed: Hey yourself.

(we are now entering cringe city, brace yourself and enjoy the flight)

He pulled me to him so close I could feel the beating of his heart and smell his after shave. He smelled amazing.

(we have landed in cringe city, thanks for flying with us!)

Kristy: Fair warning, I'm interrogating you in the car. I need to make sure your intentions with my girl are pure.

Dame: I have nothing to hide.

I heart rate sped up.

He's not the one with she should be questioning..

Kristy: So Dame, tell me about you.

Dame: Well I work in interior design.

(I wish you would design my interior.. sorry, couldn't help myself)

Dame: I'm really into the UFC fights.

Reed: I like watching wrestling.

(I like being wrestled.. I'll see myself out..)

Reed: I'm actually really into Total Divas.

Dame: Who's your favorite wrestler?

Reed: Eva Marie and Paige

Dame: Paige is one of my favorites.

Dame: I'd love to watch the fights with you. None of my exs were into it.

(is that true, or did 23 year old me just bs that?)

Reed: Yeah that would be fun.

I could picture it now in my head. The two of us laughing and cuddling, and getting into the show together.

(Too bad you were too obsessed with some noodle head, ya dumb- )

No, that can't happen. I can't get close to someone again, not yet anyways. Its too soon.

Kristy: So Dame, have you been dating any other girls?

Dame: I haven't. When I'm single, yeah I flirt and what not. But when I find something worth pursuing, I'm very loyal.

Kristy: Did you hear that, Reed? He hasn't been going out with anyone but you.

Reed: Yeah, I heard.

Dame: Did you think I was?

Reed: I wasn't quite sure if you were or not..

Dame: I haven't, there's only one person I want to go on dates with.

My heart was pounding. He couldn't mean that. Hes only known me like a week.

I just had to get through tonight, then this would all be over.

Reed: Oh look, were here.

(btw, if you hadn't notice by now, all the messages with this purple font are my commentary. Should have explained that earlier.)

Kristy: You two are goals.

Reed: How?

Kristy: I didn't think you'd find someone so soon. He's a keeper.

Dame: Thanks Kristy

Kristy: I'm gonna go get some punch, you two have fun.

Dame: So. Have I told you how beautiful you look tonight?

Reed: Only a few times.

Dame: Well you look stunning.

(I literally painted you in amazing light, and myself as a horrible person. It gets worse.. I know because stupid here closed on me and I lost everything. I literally spent so many hours copying and pasting. Part 5 was actually 5 and 6 and I was LITTTERALLLY AT THE VERY END, when I accidently clicked something and stupid didn't even ask if I was sure I wanted to leave the page. FML. But that would have been a super long part 5 so I turned it into 2 parts. It took me over an hour so far to re copy and paste all this.)

The guilt was weighing on me heavier and heavier.

I had to tell him.

Reed: Dame..

Rando: Hey, you're a friend of Ethan's right?

Dame: Who's Ethan?

Reed: Wanna go makeout in one of the bedrooms? ;)

Dame: Lead the way.

We were making out in my ex's bedroom.. And Dame had no idea.

All I could hope for was Ethan to walk in and see us.

(I'm already sick of listening to myself talking about my ex so much, idk how you put up with it)

Dame: Reed, there's something I wanted to ask you.

Reed: Not now

Dame: I really like you. I think you're funny, smart, beautiful.. I've never met anyone like you.

Dame: I know its only been a week, but I fall harder for you everyday.

(don't dooo ittt, she's poisonous. ..i'm talking about myself oop. Well, Thhaaat version of me didn't deserve you.)

Dame: I just wanted to ask you if you'd be my..

Suddenly, I heard the door opening.

Reed: Quick, kiss me.

I grabbed him by the shirt and firmly placed my lips into his.

Hoping that my ex had just walked in.

But he didn't.

Reed: Wait here, I'll be right back. I like you Dame.

I had to lie to him. I had to string him along just a little bit longer.

(why did I make myself seem so evil whhhyyeeee. Welp, I guess it's cause, life isn't as exciting and crazy as movies and books, so ya kinda have to saturate it a bit. You know, adding saturation to a picture to make it more vivid and lively. So kind of emphasizing things. But yeah, I wasn't fully aware, and, nobody wants to think their an evil person, I'd give myself reassurance that was lies. Like, "he hardly knows he, he prob won't care if I talk to an ex" so, so stupid. But I was never like "oh ima string him along". I wasn't evil, just stupid and selfish. Like when I'd screen shot our chat and show an ex or tell an ex things you said, it was sharing something that meant something to me, in hopes of making the ex jealous. I wasn't straight up using you. I really liked you. I was just really stupid. And honestly? That person doesn't even feel like me anymore. I've disowned and dissociated myself with that version of myself.)

When I came back in the party room, I realized everyone was on their phone.

.. And then everyone was looking at me.

Rando: Nice pictures hot stuff. Wanna hook up?

What was he talking about?

And that's when I realized.

The pictures of me making out with guys, pictures of me half dressed.

Everyone at this party had seen them.

Kristy: Reed, what is this? Some ploy to make Ethan jealous? All I can say is I'm disappointed in you.

Reed: I didn't mean for this to happen!

Kristy: You mean like using Dame to make Ethan jealous?

Reed: Yeah okay, so maybe I used him a little.

Kristy: He really likes you Reed. And you used that.

Reed: Okay so maybe the guy has a little crush on me. I just wanted Ethan to feel what he made me feel.

Kristy: So you used someone who was truly into you to get that.

Dame: Is that true? You used me to make your ex jealous?

Reed: Dame- I-

Ethan: Reed? Why does everyone have dirty pictures of you?

Dame: So this is the guy. You used me to make this guy jealous.

Ethan: Huh?

Dame: I was really into this girl, but she was using me to make you jealous. So congrats, you can have her.

Reed: Dame..

Dame: From day one, you we're just looking to find some guy to use to make your ex jealous. You didn't care how badly you'd hurt someone, as long as he was jealous.

Reed: I didn't know, I didn't know you'd care so much.

Dame: You didn't know I'd care?!

Dame: I fell head over heels for you! But I'm just guy number two!

Dame: And you would have just kept stringing me along. My gosh, to think I was even going to ask you to be my girlfriend.

Reed: Dame..

Dame: You suck Reed. You absolutely suck.

Dame: Well, you did it, you made your ex jealous, you don't need me anymore. I never want to see you again.

(💔)

Ethan: What was that about?

I can't believe that just happened. All I wanted was to hurt Ethan the way he hurt me. I never thought this would blow up in my face like this.

(guurrll.. he moved on, new gf, in a week.. why would you think he'd care 5 months later lol)

Reed: You! You leaked those pictures on my phone! You ruined everything!

Ethans gf: You made your own bed.

(sooo.. basically made my exs gf the bad guy in this.. in reality, i've never spoken to her. don't know if she knows I exist. parrot said he told her I was his friend.. probably all he told her. i easily could have messaged her and told her the truth and what he did to me.. i had so many dreams about doing it.. but i couldnt ruin someones life like that.)

Ethans gf: Nobody wants you now. You can just leave.

Everyone hated me.

All I wanted to do was go home and pretend none of this ever happened.

Part of me willed for someone to just show up- stop me from leaving.

But this was life. This wasn't a movie.

There was no happy ending.

All I could do now was go home like none of this ever happened. Some things just don't go the way you wanted them to.

And that's just how it ends.

[midiaryofus]

Part 5

"The story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now." - TS

Over the last few days, I was getting closer to Dame.

And the more I did, the worse I felt.

I mean, he's great and all.. But he isn't Ethan. I thought Ethan was the one. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I was completely devastated when I lost him, I never thought I'd love again.

Dame: Hey, are you okay?

Reed: Yeah.. fine.

I felt knots in my stomach, the sick twisting feeling I always got before I stalked him. But I had to. I couldn't control myself. I needed to know everything he was doing with her.

He had to feel what I felt to. He can't just feel nothing. What we had.. was everything.

Dame: Reed?

All the air was sucked out of me. My heart was racing rapidly and my palms were sweating.

Reed: I.. I...

Dame: What's wrong?

Reed: I saw this picture.. of my ex at prom with his girlfriend.

Dame: Your ex?

Reed: Yeah its just.. You wouldn't understand.

2 years ago..

He really wanted to go to prom. He sadly told me how upset he was about missing that experience. But he just couldn't because his anxiety was so bad.

So I came up with an idea..

Reed: Do you like it?

Ethan: Reed, this is amazing.

Reed: Can I have this dance?

Ethan: You may.

It felt perfect. Just the two of us. We didn't need to be at some prom full of people we don't like grinding all over each other..

All we needed was each other. Us against the world.

Ethan: Soo.. are we going to have some after prom fun after this?

Reed: Oh you know it.

(In reality, it was on imvu, and he cancelled on me sooo many times. And then he said for sure he'd have time.. I waited for him for an hour.. I was staring at my character dancing alone for an hour..)

Now I was staring at a picture of him and his girlfriend at prom, with a lump in my throat and a knife in my back.

It made me want to tear her hair out. She had no idea how much this was hurting me.

She took the love of my life away from me.

She's all "the life of the party." While I was compassionate and loving. Just seeing the type of girl he left me for.. made me feel like I wasn't good enough.

But that's the kind of girl he wants. I can't be that. His depression had taken me down with him. He changed me into someone else, then left me shattered, left me to pick up the pieces.

Reed: It just hurts.

Dame: Reed, will you go to prom with me?

I was completely speechless.

Dame: I borrowed my dads car to drive you there.

Reed: Your.. dads car?

Dame: Yeah, I'm sixteen.

Reed: Wait, you're sixteen??

Dame: Yeah, aren't you?

I got what he was trying to do.

And it was incredibly sweet.

No one has ever done anything sweet like that for me.

Usually I was the one who did the sweet things.. And I would be disappointed when my ex's did nothing in return.

I was feeling bad about my ex being at prom. So he was asking me to prom to make me feel better.

Reed: You're silly.

Dame: Dance with me?

Reed: I'd love to.

And we did. Right in the middle of the cafe with a bunch of strangers watching us.

The next day..

I couldn't get yesterday out of my head. It was so sweet.

But I couldn't get attached. I wasn't ready to fall in love, and get hurt again. I still hadn't recovered from the last one.

And that's when I saw him.

Ethan: Reed?

Reed: Oh uh, hey.

Ethan: Its been awhile. How are you?

Reed: Oh I'm good. Great actually. I'm just soo over it. I even forgot you exist.

Ethan: That's great

Reed: I've been dating soo many guys. They won't stop hitting on me. Its crazy! I'm like, Nooo I already have five boyfriends and a girlfriend.

Ethan: Well I'm glad to hear that. You haven't updated your social media much so I was wondering how you were doing.

Reed: Oh I'm just soo busy to be on social media. Wait.. Did you admit to stalking me? I can't believe you still look me up.

Ethan: Not really, I just happened to come across it a few times.

Reed: Oh, well I like never come across yours at allll. And if I do, I don't even know because I forgot you exist like I just said.

Ethan: Haha well I'm happy for you.

Seriously?! Happy for me?! We were together for three years, how can he not care if I'm dating 5 guys?

Maybe because he thinks its just random guys.

What if it was just one, serious guy?

Reed: You know, I've been getting pretty serious with this one guy.

Ethan: I hope your five boyfriends know about it.

Reed: Oh yeah they're starting to get jealous.

Ethan: I'm glad you're doing so well.

Reed: Well I better get going cause I'm just sooo busy.

Ethan: Me too, it was nice talking to you.

Did I just make a total fool of myself?

Now I know he stalks me. I gotta update my social media.

I could use this to my advantage

(Annnd I think that's when I started getting crazy with inapprop pfps. I'm pretty sure what happened was, we talked and he told me he still looked up my kik.. but in this story, I change it to posting pics with guys, as you'll soon find out...)

Dame: Hey.

Reed: Why are you here?

Dame: To see you silly.

Reed: Okay look, we need to talk.

After that awkward encounter with my ex, I started to feel bad for Dame. He really seemed into me. I didn't want to just use him and throw him out. I had to be honest with him.

Reed: Listen, I've had fun hanging out with you..

Dame: You don't want to see me anymore?

Reed: I'm just not ready for a relationship. I still have feelings for my ex. We broke up a year ago but..

(in this story, I changed it to a year. It was actually 5 ish months)

Reed: What he did really hurt me.

Dame: What did he do?

Reed: I don't want to get into it, but he cheated on me a lot.. And then left me for another girl.

Dame: I hate the guy already.

Reed: It's just not fair for me to try to have a relationship with you when I'm not over him. There's some issues I need to work on and things I have to do.. I can't be in a relationship right now.

Dame: I still want to be with you. I feel like we have something, and I know you feel it too. So I won't give up.

Reed: Dame..

Dame: I like you Reed. I know you like me too.

It felt both wrong and right at the same time.

Reed: Hey guys! Lets take selfies! Lets take pics making out!

(earlier I said I changed the dirty pfp things to pics with guys...)

I checked out the pictures on my phone.. and damn, they were hot.

Hot pics of me making out with a cute guy in a club. This for sure had to make Ethan jealous.

But how would Dame feel if he saw this? I'll think about if I want to post these or not later.

Today was the day.

Tonight, I was going to my ex's party and I was going to make him jealous.

I texted Dame: Wanna come to a party tonight?

Dame: Sure :)

I felt bad using him like this, but he was my only option.

After tonight, I'd tell him again, more firmly, that I wasn't ready for a relationship.

But tonight, I needed him.

This guy seemed like the perfect boyfriend, everything I've ever dreamed of in a guy.

Except, it was the wrong time.

I could tell he was into me by the way he looked at me, but I just didn't feel the same way.

And it made me feel that much more guilty.

[midiaryofus]

Part 4

"You could be my hero, If only I could let go, But his love is still in me, Like a broken arrow." -Pixie Lott

I'm surprised we're going on a date.

We just met last night. Aren't you supposed to wait three days or something? Weird. He's not playing games.

Lavern: its a beautiful day. I'm gonna get my tan on.

Random guy at the beach: Hey there. I just wanted to say, you're really hot.

Reed: Thanks.

Kristy: You're flirting with a guy when you have a date tonight?

Reed: Its just a date, and I just met the guy last night. Nothing is official. I'm sure he's probably with some girl right now.

I'm not ready for anything serious. I can do whatever I want.

So I flirted with the guy.

I don't know why, but part of me felt kind of.. guilty. I mean, I met this guy last night who completely blew me away. But I'm single, and I'm not ready for a relationship yet.

And he was so smooth and good looking.. probably has 5 dates lined up tonight anyways.

Dame: Hey.

(Annnnd then I wrote a whole cookie cutter romance movie typa date. Too cringe to post and it's not accurate sooo leaving that out)

(oh man it gets worse. but just for the heck of it, i'll put it in.. welcome to cringe city)

Reed: Lets go to my room.

Reed: So, this is where the magic happens.

Dame: What kind of magic?

Reed: All kinds.

Dame: Is that why you brought me here?

Reed: You wish

Reed: Honestly I just wanted to get to know you better.

Dame: Then lets get to know each other.

Reed: Tell me something about you.

Dame: What do you want to know?

(annnd then I basically used some screen shots of our actual conversation, which I hope isn't an invasion of privacy. You know how I used to be years back.. but if I actually do write a novel about our relationship on like Wattpad or whatever, I'd let you see it first before posting anything and ask for your permission, and remove anything you're not comfortable with. Also, all the names were changed. Though I kept some of the fake name in this, like Brenton for branden, etc)

Reed: What's your idle girl?

Dame: That's a vague question. I like girls who are more cute than the ones who stride to be super models. I like a sense of humor but I don't like everything to be a joke. I want inside jokes, but only us.

Reed: What's your best memory with an ex?

Dame: I had an ex that we went to a lot of concerts together. After this one concert, the band greeted us. It was a really good concert.

Reed: What do you look for in a girlfriend?

Dame: Someone I am simply happy with.

Dame: Someone who makes me smile and loves me no matter what.

Reed: Do you believe in love at first sight?

Dame: I don't, but I believe in infatuation at first sight. I believe in love at first conversation though.

Reed: If I was your girlfriend and you saw another guy hitting on me, what would you do?

Dame: I would step in and exclaim that you're taken.

Reed: Bad habits?

Dame: Irritable, impatient. Jealously.

Reed: What's the worst thing that has happened to you?

Dame: Probably being dumped by my fiance.

Reed: Oh, I'm sorry.

Dame: Its fine, I've accepted it.

Reed: What do you find most attractive about me?

Dame: Your eyes and your smile, the faces you make.

Reed: Your first thought about me?

Dame: How stunning and outgoing you are. I didn't feel nervous to talk to you.

Reed: Well that's interesting.

Dame: You're interesting.

Reed: Oh am I?

Dame: You are. And absolutely irresistible.

In one swift motion, he pulled me in and kissed me.

The way he was kissing me. It made me feel like.. Maybe if I fell in love with him..

I'd forget about Ethan. And maybe I could also make him jealous.

All I had to do was keep this guy around.

Little did I know how hard he was falling for me. While I was just using him.

And he had no idea.

(yeahh its pretty bad.. like I said, I wasn't playing victim. I made myself out to be worse. Because in reality, I wasn't fully aware that I was using you. I saw it as, sharing screen shots of our conversation to make other guys jealous. It wasn't like I was making up lies and purposely using you, i mean, the only time I can think of is the thong pics. I sent them to you so I could screen shot that I sent my butt to a random guy, to make bran jealous. For some dumb reason I thought it would make him be like, "no I don't want you to be with anyone else, I'm claiming you so no one can have you" but I didn't realize that it hurts the person im trying to make jealous.. I didn't realize trying to make someone jealous, actually really hurts..)

[midiaryofus]

Part 3

Reed: Hey.

Great. Another guy hitting on me.

I mean, I did want a rebound. But I didn't want to feel like I was using someone to get over someone else.. Just to end up never having feelings for him at all.

Dame: How are you doing?

Reed: I'm good.. You?

Dame: I'm really great, now that I'm talking to you.

That's when I took a good look at him.

The build of his chest just makes you want to run your fingers against it.

And those eyes, wow, they were gorgeous. Looking into them made me feel breathless. And his lips.. so full and soft. I wondered what they would feel like against mine.

And the shape of his face.. just made me want to cup his face and caress his cheeks with my thumbs.

He had to be the hottest guy I've ever seen.

But why was he talking to me?

(is this cringe city for you? I'm feeling pretty awk rn..)

Reed: Oh yeah?

Dame: Yeah. You're quite beautiful.

Reed: Thanks.

(really don't want to post the next few lines since it's most likely extremely inaccurate. I pretty much bs'ed the whole convo since I couldn't remember exactly what was said.. but this is what I had written..)

Reed: Did you want something?

Dame: Yeah, you.

Reed: Sorry, you can't have that.

Dame: I can still dream.

Reed: You don't even know me.

Dame: I know that you're the most attractive woman I've ever seen.

Reed: Are you always this smooth?

Dame: Only when I'm talking to a beautiful girl.

Reed: How does that work for you?

Dame: You tell me.

Reed: I'm not sure yet.

Dame: Honestly when I saw you I thought you were way too gorgeous not to talk to.

Reed: Well you're pretty hot.

Dame: You're hot.. I'm smitten.

Reed: Oh yeah?

Dame: Like a kitten

(lol me seeming chill but I was screen shoting everything and showing Kristy like, "AHHH LOOK WHAT THIS GUY IS SAYING TO ME OMC OMC OMC" xD ugh wish I kept the screen shots)

Dame: Tell me about you.

I did. And he seemed so different from other guys. We talked for awhile, I felt this kind of connection.

The conversation was thought provoking, and I liked the challenge.

It was refreshing. I didn't want to stop talking to him.

Reed: Come on, just tell me how old you are.

Dame: Ladies first.

Reed: But I asked you first.

Dame: And I asked you second.

Reed: You're not going to cave first are you?

Dame: No ma'am.

Reed: Fine. I'm 20. Soon to be 21.

Dame: 22.

(don't know if I changed the ages to fit the story)

Dame: You are really cool

Reed: And you're a sweet talker

(kristy kept telling me you were sweet talking and to be careful. lmao I thought you actually just talked like that, didnt see it as trying to pick a girl up or something, i'm gullible)

Dame: I'm surprised you're still talking to me.

Reed: You're surprised?

Dame: Yeah, you're way out of my league.

Reed: I don't believe in leagues.

(still don't)

Reed: But I actually believe I'm out of yours.

I couldn't believe how well things were going. I've never connected with a stranger like this before.

Dame: Its been a pleasure talking to you. I hope I get to talk to you again.

Reed: It's been great talking to you too.

I could not believe that just happened. I met this really cool guy and I can't get him out of my head.

I felt like I was screaming with enjoy inside. He was just so smooth, so hot. Like he seriously looked like a male model. What would a guy like that want to talk to a girl like me?

Low self esteem? Maybe. Especially since every guy I've ever loved has left me heartbroken.

But damn.. he was something else.

I needed to put on a song.

I put on Sparks Fly by Taylor Swift and danced around.

I was being crazy. But its been forever since I've felt like this.

Just so.. alive inside.

He's probably already forgotten about me. And in the morning, this will probably wear off.

But right now.. I just wanted to enjoy this feeling.

If only I had known then, how infatuated he was with me too..

Maybe I'd have never broken his heart, the way I did. I'm always the one who gets hurt, I was prepared this time. But nothing, could have prepared me for this.

That this time, he'd be the one to be stabbed in the heart.

And I'd be the one holding the knife.

[midiaryofus]

Part 2

I stayed away from him for two weeks.

But I missed him. I wanted back the love we used to have. I didn't want to believe this cold, dark side of him. It scared me. I wanted back the Ethan I knew.

And he took advantage of me.

One last time.

Stupidly, I thought it would mean we'd get back together.

I was wrong.

My friend Kristy was there for me. She told me to do the no contact rule. Which is when you don't talk to your ex for a month. So I did.

And in that month, I became close friends with Kristy, and a new friend I made, Brenton.

But then something horrible happened.

I found out Ethan had a new girlfriend. He asked her out the day after he slept with me.

My whole world went black.

When I found out, I went to talk to him.

It was the worst night of my entire life.

I couldn't stop stalking her. She'd post new pictures with him all the time. And it killed me.

For her birthday, he took her to her favorite place and then out to dinner.

For Halloween, he dressed up in a costume with her.

For Christmas, they took pics by the Christmas tree with his parents.

For Valentines Day, he gave her flowers and took her romantic places.

But he never did anything for me.

Which made me realize the truth.

Despite how I'd try to convince myself I wasn't like his other girls, the girls he never fell in love with and he'd leave..

I was exactly like them.

He did nothing for me. He never cared about me.

But his new girlfriend is different. And he's different with her.

And that's what hurts the most.

He made it worse by telling me how much happier he is. That she doesn't fight with him. Maybe she would, if he cheated on her too.

I blamed myself. For all of it.

If I didn't fight with him so much, he wouldn't have left me.

Mentally and emotionally, he completely destroyed me.

One Year Later

Someone once told me it took them a year to get over their ex. I thought that was insane. Now I get it.

It only took him a week to replace me and move on, while I've been hurting for a year.

Throughout the year, I've made all the mistakes in the book. Blackmail, begging, revenge.. "Drunk texting". I faked being drunk and told him I hooked up with someone. But he never cared. It only made me seem crazy.

I've spent months and months in pain ever since I lost him to another girl. He's still with that girl. And I still can't stop looking him up.

I was codependent with him. In other words, he's always been my drug and I've been an addict.

I felt so lost without him. He was my whole world.

Its like I've just been waiting for him to come back to me and tell me he loves me. And I tell him I've been waiting for him all this time. That I never let go.

Its stupid, to think he'd just come back.

I know I need to let him go, but I don't know how.

Even my friends have had enough of me talking about him all the time.

So for the last week, I've been pretending to be over him. I try to never say his name.

But he's never left my head, or my heart.

I knew what I needed to move on- something I knew I'd never get from him.

An apology.

Reed: Yeah, I'm coming

Lavern: Aren't you excited?! We're going to party, meet cute boys, party! Did I mention party? We're going to party! Best summer ever!

(yes this lavern person is completely made up)

Reed: I'm just.. not feeling like partying.

Lavern: Is this because of that dumb parrot?

"Parrot" is what I've been calling Ethan since I have a hard time saying his name. Kristy likes calling him "ugly noddle head", which is also fitting.

Lavern: Girl, we've been talking about this vacay for weeks. You don't get to back out now.

Kristy: She needs a rebound.

Reed: A rebound?

Lavern: Or find a guy to make your ex jealous.

Reed: He won't get jealous, he doesn't want me.

Lavern: A rebound it is.

Kristy: If you wanna get over him, get under someone else.

"I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us. How we met and the sparks flew instantly." - Taylor Swift

Reed: I can't believe I'm doing this.

Kristy: I disagree with the jealously thing. But I do think a rebound is a good idea. It's been a year and you're still obsessed with your ex.

Reed: I'm not obsessed.

Kristy: You still stalk the guy.

Kristy: Are you stalking him right now?

Reed: Um.. No...

Kristy: That's it, give me your phone. We're in a club right now. You don't need to be on that thing.

Reed: Okay mom

Random guy: Hey pretty lady.

This was why I didn't want to move on or try to find someone else. I feel like I'm never going to meet someone amazing. Ethan wasn't my first heartbreak, and he won't be my last.

Even though he was an awful boyfriend, I still felt like I'd never find better.

Which I guess was why I stayed with him.

Compared to the guys before Ethan, they were so awful that they make Ethan look like an amazing boyfriend.

But I deserve better. Better than cheaters and heartbreakers,

I just need to be more cautious this time. Notice the red flags this time.

Dame: Hey

The perfect red flag would be if they started playing, I knew you we're trouble, right now...

[midiaryofus]

Bulletproof Love

7/18/2017, 1:52:32 AM

(The Story Of Us)

(Part One)

This is me. Before I lost all my friends, before everyone hated me. Before I broke the heart of the only guy who ever loved me.

"What do you do when you're stuck, because the one that you love, has pushed you away, and you can't deal with the pain." -Pixie Lott

The hottest love has the coldest end. I've always known that. But for once, I wanted to believe that it could be different.

Based off a true story.

We've been together almost three years. Its been the best and the worst three years of my life. He's the love of my life.. My everything. Every single inch of my heart loves Ethan. But if I had know then what I knew now.. If I had known the truth..

I regret everything.

I regret everything because everything we had was a lie. He really fooled me into believing he ever loved me. And that was the hardest pill to swallow.

This is how it all started.

Ethan and I met through one of my closest friends, Kate. Ethan is Kates ex. He dated her for a few months, broke her heart, then started dating someone else. I was there for her and picked up the pieces of her broken heart. A few months later she moved on to someone else. Someone who kept breaking her heart.

Ethan and I were her friends. We were there for her and kept telling her to dump her jerk boyfriend.

Ethan: She wants to be left alone.

Reed: I don't know why she wants to keep dating that jerk.

Ethan: And then cries to us about it.

Reed: Well we are her closest friends I guess.

Ethan: I just wish she'd dump him already. He cheated on her a lot and she keeps taking him back.

Reed: I'll try to talk some sense into her.

Ethan: Its no use. I've tried and I'm sure you have a number of times. She's too deeply in love with him. She's not going to stop taking him back. Unless he does something really really bad, enough for her to walk away for good.

Reed: So we're supposed to keep giving her advice while she ignores it and runs back to him again?

Ethan: Pretty much.

Reed: She actually told me something the other day.. something about a wet taco..

Ethan: She flirts with me, so I flirt back.

Reed: You two never should have broke up.

Ethan: Well I just didn't love her.

That should have been the first red flag.

That girl had been completely shattered when he dumped her.

I thought she was just being dramatic. But I guess not. I had been the one to pick of the pieces of her broken heart and put them back together. While he started dating new girls. And then leaving them because he didn't love them.

He told me he'd never gotten his heart broken before.

How he'd date girls because he wanted to make them happy, and how he liked that attention and love they gave him.

But he never felt anything back.

I never thought anything of it at the time. Because he was just some guy I had no feelings for.

Everything he told me just didn't matter to me.

But when I play it back again in my head.. It was all red flags. Dozens and dozens of red flags.

Because of Kate, Ethan and I became close friends..

I thought he was one of the good guys. For once, I wanted to date someone who wouldn't break me. I wanted to know what it felt like, to be with someone who actually loved me and treated me right.

I didn't see it lasting long or going anywhere. I just got out of a bad relationship and wanted to experience a good one. Except.. he had a girlfriend.

But he told me he's been wanting to end it for awhile but didn't want to hurt her. And for over a week, he's been avoiding her..

While getting closer to me.

He flirted with me. A lot.

And I flirted back.

We had an instant connection.

And to my surprise, I fell deeply in love with him.

But he had a girlfriend.. And he was flirting with not only me, but his ex.. Maybe it was karma. If he could cheat with me, he could cheat on me.

But I was blind.

Our first month together went by so fast and it was amazing.

Reed: I bet that old man is Noah and he's telling the story our their relationship to Allie!

Ethan: Nah, I don't think so.

But I was right. I was right about a lot of things.

Our first movie we ever watched together was The Notebook. We both hadn't seen it and decided to watch it together.

I really wanted to be closer to him. I wanted to cuddle and express my feelings to him. But I was always afraid to make that move. So I'd hope that he would. He didn't.

But there was one thing I wasn't afraid of doing: Flirting. Being sexual. Because I knew he wanted that, guys love that stuff. I wasn't afraid of him rejecting me.

I guess it was easy for me because I knew he wanted my body.

But not my heart.

We had a sexual based relationship. I used sex to get love. And he used love to get sex.

But the whole time I didn't know that.

It wasn't long before things started getting bad. We started to fight a lot. Well, I'd fight, he'd want no part in it.

Reed: How could you kiss her cheek and call her sexy?! You keep flirting with my friends and now you do this!

I ended up losing a lot of female friends. He'd flirt with them and they'd flirt back. I tried to leave him so many times.. I threatened to leave him so many times..

Ethan: Reed stop. You're making me feel awful.

Reed: Because you are awful! You keep cheating on me!

Ethan: I'm leaving.

He didn't care about me. He cared about his good boy rep.

Every time I got mad at him for cheating, he'd be the one to walk out. I'd stay away from him for a week. But I always ended up taking him back. I tried to leave him so many times. But I always took him back.

Because I've never loved and given everything I had to a man before. I gave him everything. And it meant nothing to him.

Reed: Guess what my friend told me?

Ethan: ...

Reed: You slept with my friend!

Ethan: She came on to me. I was really conflicted.

Reed: I hate you! You're such a jerk! You're a cheater!

Ethan: Reed, we broke up a week ago.

Reed: So that makes it okay?? We both knew we'd get back together!

Ethan: I didn't cheat

After three years, I was completely brain washed from his manipulation.

He'd keep cheating, and convincing me it wasn't cheating.

I stopped getting mad when he'd cheat, because when I would, he'd push me away. When I should have been the one pushing him away. He'd cheat and it was like I'm the bad guy.

Reed: I'll miss you.

He was leaving for camp for a few weeks.

He wasn't allowed to bring his phone so we wouldn't talk for a few weeks. I was worried about him cheating on me, finding a new girl. That being away from me so long.. what if he gets over me?

It was like watching him slowly fade away. I could feel him moving on and letting me go. So I tried to prepare myself for it before he came home.

I got new friends.

Friends who actually cared about me and helped me see the light.

Ethan always acts like the golden boy. He gets good grades, parents love him, he's a leader at youth group. He plays the role of the perfect guy. And its all fake. And I was tired of lying and playing the role of his perfect girlfriend.

He didn't care about me. He's never remembered my birthday. Did nothing for me on Valentines Day. Halloween, he left me for another girl. But found out she had issues, so wanted me back. Christmas, nothing.

He left for camp that summer.

Reed: I'm gonna miss you.

Ethan: I'll miss you too.

Reed: I guess this is goodbye.

Little did I know, it was goodbye forever.

I missed him a lot. But it felt kind of felt freeing, not worrying about him cheating on me, not crying over him. He wasn't allowed to use his phone there, though you'd think if he really loved me, he'd still try to call or text.

But he didn't. Not one message. Which made it easier on me. I actually felt.. Free. Like I was living my own life, not trying to fit into his.

I still texted him everyday, but I knew he wouldn't get it until he got home.

I realized he wasn't treating me right. When he came back from camp, things were going to change.

When he came back in August, I thought I was ready. I was expecting him to tell me he didn't want to be with me anymore.

If he pushed me away like I felt in my heart he would, then I'd accept it. But I couldn't go out without one last fight.

What he actually did took me by surprise.

Reed: (I can handle this. I don't need him. He's bad for me.)

Ethan: Hey, I got your letter.

I almost forgot I wrote him a letter two weeks ago.

In it, I gave him one of my guitar picks, a raindrop bracelet I made.. Since our song is Between the Raindrops by lifehouse. Which I've spent many nights falling asleep listening to.

I also wrote him a letter, telling him I love him, and I kissed the letter twice in pink lipstick.

Ethan: I really liked it. Everything you said and the gifts, they meant a lot. And I kissed the letter in the same spot you did.

I was ready for him to tell me he's moved on, completely over me. I wasn't expecting this.

I decided I wasn't going to play games with him. And show him I love him.

Reed: I missed you so much. I love you Ethan.

But he didn't say it back.

And I didn't ask him why. Not yet.

He told me he kissed my letter. That had to mean something.

He took me to his bedroom, and things heated up pretty quickly.

I knew what he wanted.

Reed: I can't.

Reed: I promised myself I wouldn't hook up with you again until you ask me out. I can't give you the perks of a relationship without a relationship.

I've been waiting like a year for him to ask me out again. I mean, we've been acting like a couple, but he hasn't given me the girlfriend label.

Ethan: I'm not asking you out.

Reed: What?!

That wasn't what I thought he'd say. I thought he'd ask me out.

He.. he told me he kissed my letter. Why would he say that if he doesn't want to be with me?

But earlier.. I told him I missed him and love him.. and he hadn't said it back..

All I could think about was how he didn't say he loved me.

Reed: I told you I love you and you didn't say it back.

Ethan: I don't love you anymore.

No.

No no no no no no no.

It didn't make sense. How could he just not love me anymore?

A second ago he was trying to sleep with me. How can he not love me?

Sometimes, the perfect song to fit my mood just comes into my head. And right then, it was Love me or Leave me by Kerli.

Reed: Love me or leave me.

Ethan: I pick leave.

Reed: Just like that?

Ethan: We can still be friends, or friends with benefits since I'm kinda horny right now. But relationship wise, its over.

I was standing there, crying my mascara off. And that;s what he says.

Reed: How can you say that crap when I'm standing here crying like an idiot?!

And as if on cue, as he always does every time I go off on him..

Ethan: Goodbye Reed.

[midiaryofus]

November 7th - 2021

1:24 am

I feel like I was being a little bit dramatic in that last message. I mean like, I probably won't show you these messages until I feel like.. idk like.. safe with you.. like I still have you.. I don't want you to look and think that I was just pretending to be chill the whole time.

So like with the vs thing- and just so you aren't confused; you recently showed me the Victoria secret flyers you got in the mail.

I was being kinds flirty.. I guess it just feels normal to me, to flirt with you. I can feel that you're distant and it kills me. I'm scared that one wrong move, and I could lose you for good. So I guess im just supposed to act like just a friend who has no feelings for you?

Honestly I've always wanted to see how things could be like; like start over, a fresh start without bringing up our past. But.. not like this. Not when my heart aches and the wounds haven't healed and I'm terrified of losing you, scared that I've already lost you, and can feel inside me how distant you are.

But anyway, I wasn't really putting on a fake smile there. Honestly I feel like it's obvious when something is bothering me. I give lame and short replies usually.

With the flyer, I thought you were showing me you bought boxers from VS and then I felt sick, thinking you bought sexy lingerie for a girl. But it was just a flyer

It bothers me that you'd be fine with it if I met someone. I don't want you to. All I've wanted for years was for you to idk just act like you love me. Claim me, want to talk to me, spend time with me, be with me.

And honestly if we do part ways, I do want you to be with your dream girl. But I also worry that it'll be like with the girl you almost married- that if she does or isn't doing something and it's bothering you, you won't talk to her about it. Like you've said you've made jokes and stuff, but why didn't you feel comfortable to tell her how you really felt? Why would you almost marry her? I'm sorry if I'm overstepping, it just upsets me, couples like that. Like, you're unhappy about something but you just hint at it instead of just coming right out and asking. Like, "why don't you want to be intimate with me?" Idk if you ever did ask, I feel like it's better to ask and feel awkward than to look back and never know. And maybe you did talk to her about it, idk.. all the times I've tried talking about it, you ignored me and won't tell me anything else.

I know what it's like though. I've been in relationships where I'd hint and make jokes because I felt too awkward to say how I was feeling.

I feel like.. when you're with the right person, you feel comfortable talking to them about anything, that it doesn't feel awkward or weird.

I'm sorry for all the times I've made you feel bad about yourself and like you need to defend yourself. That wasn't ever what I wanted.

If I was upset because you left the toilet seat up or something. Just with anything, you could have literally just said, "I'm sorry. I love you" and I'd forgive you and that would be it.

I don't try to attack you. I have fears of getting hurt. At times you've shown red flags that have scared me and I try to talk to you about it but you feel like I'm attacking. I don't mean it to be that way. I don't think you're like most of the things I worry about. I think you're so smart and strong and I love you. Love makes people crazy.

And the more I love someone.. the crazier I get.

When I talk to you about things like worries and fears and just you feeling attacked.. it's because I'm serious about you.

You see it like: everything I do it nit pick at your every flaw

I see it like: everything is perfect but I just have this one fear of this and this and I just want to get it resolved and everything will be great!

I just want you to know, that all my craziness and everything, it's just because I love you. If I didn't care, I wouldn't be like that, because I just wouldnt care

But I do care. I care so much.

I don't want you to be with someone else. If things ended, then maybe months later and I wouldn't want to know about it, I mean if we don't end up together, or course I want you to be happy with someone. But not now. I feel sick thinking about you being with someone else. I feel like you want to move on. I'm scared that you are moving on and have moved on.

I sat in the passenger seat of my sister's car, staring out the window with tears in my eyes. I don't know how you're feeling or what you're thinking. I don't want it to be over

I stared at your hand.. in the picture you sent me of you holding the flyer. I feel like this is the bread crumbs I get. It means the world to me to just to get to see your hand, but whatever girl you date next probably won't even pay attention to your hand. I appreciate every single inch I get to see of you. I've seen under 10 pictures of your face. But your ex who didn't appreciate you got to lay next to you but was just on her phone. I'm sorry it im overstepping. It just really upsets me. And it upsets me when you treat me like I don't deserve to know about ex's and like those are locked files and it seems like you really respect them. I guess thats hard for me to understand, having no ex's that deserved to be respected. But I respect you. And if I was dating a new guy and telling him about you and he was trash talking you, saying like "oh what a jerk for doing that and that to you". I'd feel like, "don't talk about him like that". But maybe I'd feel differently if I was completely over you. Idk. I feel like being like. "don't talk about him like that" is being protective over you. Which always made me feel like you were being protective over your ex's .

I guess at times I've felt like "I feel like it's Christmas when I get to see even just your feet, but your ex's got to be in bed with you and ignored you cause they were playing on their phone!"

It's weird, it's like people Want to be with someone who treats them badly. I mean, I used to treat you like shit and you worshipped me, but I show so much love and affection and you're freaked out and hate it. It's like roles reversed and I'm showing you so much affection and being treated like shit. idk why it has to be like that

I guess I'll never understand

[midiaryofus]

November 6th - 2021

I'm scared to ask if you still love me. I feel like you don't. I feel like you don't want to talk about feelings. So I guess I'm supposed to just only have good conversations with you and pretend my heart isn't bleeding outside my chest. Right now I'm laying on the couch in the basement crying, Adele's song playing in my head, "I changed who I was to put you first, now I give up"

I just wanted you to know, despite everything that's ever happened with us- I've never given up on you, or on us. I was never going to. But I feel like I should. I feel like you don't care anymore. You used to want to kick any guys ass just for looking at me and now you're saying you'd be fine with it if I dated someone else.

I feel like you're happier without me

It hurts so much because you still mean everything to me and I've been holding down my feelings and just trying to get through this- I was doing the "no contact rule" thing. I watched so many vids on getting your ex back and all that kinda stuff.

I don't want this. I've never wanted this. I felt like I had to do this because I feel like you don't really give a shit about me. You could be perfectly fine with never talking to me again.

You kept deleting the chat. You wanted me gone. Ive wanted and have tried for years to give you a wake up call. I just wanted for once for you to feel the pain and worry or losing me and sickness of you worrying about me with someone else- like how I always feel about you. I just wanted to switch roles- you feel everything and I feel nothing.

Why do I always have to be the one who ends up hurt? This always happens- I'm always the one who's hurting badly and pretending like I'm fine and trying to have a normal conversation because if I talk about feelings then I'm worried it'll scare you away and then I lose you for good.

So every time I'm talking to you, you don't know this, but I'm in pain. Every time I laugh and seem fine and having a normal conversation and even not get online often- I'm actually in pain and you can't see it but it's like standing in front of you with a happy mask over my face while behind the mask there's mascara tears dripping from my face and my heart has been shot and it's bleeding and instead of going to the hospital, I choose to spend my last few breaths with you and you won't realize that until I fall over dead and you pull the mask off and actually see the pain underneath

But this kind of stuff always scares away guys. That's why I talked about ex's so much- held on to the pain of ex's so much- to use that as a shield, to feel that pain instead of the pain you could put me through. Even yesterday, when you were driving and I was panicking that you met someone else, I felt so sick to my stomach and just wanted an answer, praying that you wouldn't destroy me like my ex's have. I kept reminding myself of stuff ex's did to me, and it helped, shifting the pain you could put me through to pain I've been through. You could hurt me bad enough that I go running back to talk to an ex and begging him to hurt me again- so then I won't feel the pain you're putting me through

My love is too big for you my love