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4/22/20

Is it crazy to want to relocate to Merced? Most people would say I have lost it to want to leave L.A. county with all the culture and life here. But I just dont feel alive by this city anymore. I am grateful for all the things it has given me, but I think I have capped out. I dont see myself having a life here anymore. I can't envision a future here. Is that future in Merced? I don't know. I am scared to leave my comfort zone, but also know that this fear is a sign that it is a good thing. I clearly have become to comfortable with the same old thing. This fear is just telling me I have so much to gain and I fear it. Sound backwards to you? Well if you really think about it, is it? Fear in new situations is a sign that the situation is exciting and different. That you are challenging yourself and changing the status quo. Is it horrifying? Absolutely! The same way jumping off a plane is horrifying, but there is so much to gain on the other side of fear. I will always remember what Will Smith said about fear, he said everything worth having is on the other side of fear. I truly believe that the fear I have now is because it is trying to hold me back from greater things. Merced is my next step and everything worth having is on that side, on the other side of fear.

I might be crazy to take this leap of faith into the unknown, but it would be more insane for me to stay in the same place, doing the same thing, and expecting a different outcome.

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1/20/20

Happy birthday to my best friend!

I would write this to you directly, but I know that you're not a touchy feely kind of gal. I just want to say thank you. I know we haven't been friends for long, but the last 4 years have been awesome. You are such a huge part of my life and I am grateful to have you. You understand the stupid shit I do and say without judgement and without question. You understand me so well and sometimes even better than I understand myself. Thank you for being kind and understanding. Thank you for making laugh harder than I have in a long time and not even knowing why lol. You are one of a kind and whether you like it or not you're stuck with me!

Happy birthday besty you are truly the best.

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12/15/19

I dreamt with you again last night. It wasn't a dream, but also not a nightmare. You would find it surprising to know that all things related to you are not negative. Its interesting because in my dream you were exactly as I remembered you. Tall, tan skinned, medium built, short hair, big smile, an eyes that stare into your soul. You were also doing all the things you would think you would do if we ever saw each other again. You hugged me and I melted for a second in your embrace. We had awkward small talk about the years past. You asked about my boyfriend and I said all was well. You looked into my eyes and asked if I loved him and I said yes. You looked away, but grabbed my hand. You pulled me in closer and said you loved me. I stared into your eyes lost and confused. What do I say. What do I feel. I pulled away and let go of your hand. I knew even then it was wrong. I said goodbye and that I had to leave. I walked away and you did not follow. I laid in bed with the my love when I heard a knock at my door. I got out of bed and went to see who it was. I closed my bedroom door to not disturb the man I love. I opened the door to find you there. I look at you with a face of confusion, what are you doing here I asked? How did you find me? You paced for a moment with no words to say. I stepped outside and looked at you. I am not well you said, I am not myself without you. You hugged me tightly and I hugged you back. You tried to kiss me, but I moved away. I asked you to go, but you called my bluff. I didnt want you to leave because you felt so familiar. I missed your scent when we embraced and I missed the smile on your face. You said you loved me again and asked if I loved you too. For a second of madness I almost said yes, but I answered no. I said I loved the man in my bed and that I no longer felt that way for you. You called me a liar and said you knew I loved you by the way i looked at you. I moved my gaze and asked you to leave. I told you I would always care for you, but that love I no longer felt. You paced some more and said that's it I guess. I nodded yes. You hugged me one last time and before you left you kissed my cheek. I watched you walk away and went back inside. I found that my love was awake and saw it all. He was confused and angry. He said wondered why you were here trying to destroy us again. I said you had gone and I had sent you away and before I could repair what was done I woke up. Even in my dreams you reign terror over my relationship. I refuse to give you that power, but I am glad you are gone. I guess that dream was just a reminder that you are not my love, but you will try to destroy all the things I do love.

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12/11/19

Nostalgias a bitch! It's a tricky little bitch that paints things in a beautiful sea of colors and leaves out all of the dark shadows. It makes you miss moments and sells them to you as experiences. A moment is so different than an experience. A moment is fleeting. A moment can last a small amount of time, while an experience is etching and creating a foundation of who you are. We are made by all of our experiences, but nostalgia only zooms into the moments. It's like focusing on only one part of the whole image. When I think about how much I miss my family in the "good old days" I forget that those days were just moments in an ever evolving family. Now it's not to say that all is always bad, but that nothing is ever all good. Nostalgia however makes everything feel like happiness. Nostalgia is an addictive drug that always has you reminiscing on better days and preventing you from loving the days to come. Anxiety is all that is associated with the unknown and the future. Happiness I associated with nostalgia. Now I understand why there are those who refuse to give up their rose colored glasses, because ignorance is bliss and beautiful. Why move on when nostalgia is more comforting. I do not hate nostalgia, but I recognize it for what it is. It's a one night stand after to many drinks that you justify to be amazing in order to avoid the guilt and pain. I will take experiences over nostalgia because I am able to love the whole picture even if its murky and unpretty at times. I rather be haunted by my experiences than greeted with loving arms by nostalgia. Nostalgia you are a bitch and you are not welcome here.

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11/8/19

My head is raising and threatening to run and break free of my skull. My heart is pounding, my breath is short and shallow. Is this what it feels like to die? My life passes through my eyes. Not the good stuff you would think, like those I love and the happy things I've done. But all of my mistakes, my failures, my pain. Does this mean I am going to hell? Hell is where I am. I am not dead, but crippled by my overwhelming anxiety. It's a prison of my own making. It's a hell of my own creating. Each mistake flashes by. The small ones and the big ones. Past, present, and even future. I am a failure is what I hear. You are dying is what I feel. Shallow breathing continues. My muscles tense up like a corpse. I am numb.

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11/5/19

Sometimes I still think about you. For some reason when I remember our past I manage to romanticize what was once a nightmare. I guess that's why nostalgia is a bitch because it makes you remember things through rose colored glasses. Why I remember these beautiful moments that were fleeting in comparison to the pain that was caused. You once were my biggest love, but I loved you when I did not know how to love myself. The person who loved you was vacant inside and didn't know it. Of course I would remember this amazing beautiful relationship because for the broken girl who loved you it was. For her you were the most perfect man she had ever met and she thought she would never find another like you. She felt like she didn't deserve you and would put herself aside in order to please you. You loved an empty shell of a person and didn't know it. It was convenient for you to love me because I worshiped you. I placed you on a pedestal where the person holding you up was me. The moment I was able to withdraw from you I broke free. Little did I know you would be my biggest addiction. Even when I walked away I craved another piece of you. I thought I could never love because they weren't you. I held on to those romantic memories of a man who loved me and that kept me clingged on to you. You were my greatest love and now my biggest regret. It's not you as a person who I regret, but myself. I regret having been that version of myself that allowed you to love me. I regret not having been better and loving myself more than I loved you. I regret myself, but I forgive myself. I was a hallow person back then created by all of the painful things that had molded me to be that way. I forgive myself because I did what could. I have learned from you and from me. I love myself now and I am able to love a man who not only deserves my love, but respects it. I have moved on to greener pastures, but you will always be a memory. You as are printed on my skin like the many scars that I bare to show my journey. You are a memory of who I once was. You are not the prince charming nostalgia will make me feel that you are. You are a scar on my skin that has slowly healed and will soon become a faint memory. You are me and I was you, but now I am free and have shed that old skin to evolve into a better ever growing version of myself.

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11/4/19

So its clearly been a long time since I last update this page and well a lot has happened. I wish I could say I have kept up with my writing since I disappeared, but I haven't. Committing to something at a regular basis is hard to say the least. However, I have found my thoughts running and I felt I should put it down somewhere. So here you go:

I am here.

I am me.

What that means I shall not know.

How I feel is eternal.

Driven yet wasting away.

Whole yet broken.

Beating heart inside my chest, yet a ghost in my existence.

Present, but always missing.

Searching, but forever lost.

I am, but I am not.

I feel and yet conceal,

Every emotion and truth that may not appeal..

To those who look, they see only what they desire.

A frail happy girl whom they admire.

I am, but I am not.

I am not what you see, think, or feel.

I am me, even if the image is still unclear.

I am me, but I am not.

I am not who you thought.

I am not what you wish.

I am me and me is all that I will be.

If I have anything more to share I will. But I wont commit to doing this all the time because that expectation is unreal. I cam only give when I have something to share, but until then I can only do right by me.

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1/25/18

my back is killing and this job will be the end of me. 

The end.

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Day 8/9/10

So today is technically day 11 on my program and I know I suck at keeping up with this!! But anyways I'm gonna try to write again more frequently just maybe not as long. So I lost 12lbs!!! Pretty amazing for my first week I must say but it's still been hard to stay motivated! I went hiking on Saturday which helped a lot with my mood, but it has been hell with my appetite! I have been hungrier and hungrier but I haven't broke! Not that I haven't wanted to, but I am trying to use these 12 lbs to motivate me and keep up with the plan. Anyways that's it. I know short and sweet but I just don't have a whole lot to say. I guess some days will just be like that. Thanks.

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Day 6/7

Okay so this is going to be a total word vomit kind of thing and it wont even 100% pertain to my health journey, but i seriously am having a bad day today. 

So lets start with the fact that i woke up feeling sick. I had a runny nose and a sore throat, but whatever i got ready for work and tried to be positive. Then i get to work and shit hits the fan. I am working on this clients information and then crisis hits. I dont know why i am doing this is all that crosses my mind. Why the fuck did i get into the business of helping people when i can barely help myself. So this person is in crisis and i just cant right now. I CANT HELP THEM! i felt useless and helpless. So then i try to rally i get some help from my boss and my co workers and feel a little better. Then, shit hits the fan again. My co worker tells me about all this bull shit happening in the office and how people, GROWN ASS PEOPLE, are being petty and starting shit where shit does not need to be started. This job is hard enough without work gossip making it worse. so yea add this on top of the fact that i am depressed as shit because my form of coping has been removed and i refuse to break my journey over some emotional crap. So then i am just stuck with all the emotion. Now i know i said that i would sit with my pain and make it through it versus covering it up and pretending it isnt real. but FUUUUCCKKKK ITS HARD! I feel like i want to drink, i want to cut, i want to overdose, I WANT TO FUCKEN DISAPPEAR! i DONT WANT TO BE ME ANYMORE! i want to fade into the backdrop of life and be no one. I dont want to feel anything, i dont want to deal with anything. I want to be a shadow on the pavement that when the sun moves i disappear. I want to be nothing. i feel like nothing. i feel pain and misery, but then i feel nothing. I feel this numbness this despair to want to die and just leave the earth behind. i feel dead. so yea i am having a bad day. Honestly, I am having a dark and twisted moment like i always do when i get rid of my form of coping. since i cant binge eat i am stuck with just me and i dont know how to feel. writing has helped, but right now all i want to do is lose myself in the wilderness. i want to forget that this world exists and that i exist in it. I just want to leave this world behind me. i just cant. someone please help me because i am falling apart and cant hold one. I am falling into this abyss of darkness and despair and cant find the way out. i am losing myself again and i am afraid. someone help me be strong because i am broken. someone, anyone, please. Im drowning in an ocean of sadness calling for help and no one responds. i am standing in the middle of a crowded room yelling at the top of my lungs “HELP ME!!” and no one turns around.  I guess in many ways i already am what i desire.  I am just a shadow of the person i once was. I am a shadow in my life and no one can see me anymore. i am no one. 

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Day 4/5

So I guess daily was a big goal, instead I'll try to do it at least every two days. So I finished day 4 and right now I am finishing day 5. I am super proud of myself for sticking to the plan these days and making it this far. I think planning out my lean and green meals for the week was super helpful cause that's how I have been able to come through it. So today I went to see my therapist (yes I see a therapist cause I feel like everyone should at some point) and I talked to him about this nutrition plan I am on. I explained to him my why and he totally understood. He also made a great point that I did not think about. He asked me why did I think this started. Where did I learn this behavior. It took me a minute but I realized that growing up love was shown through food. When I felt bad my dad would take me out for ice cream or tacos. When I wanted to spend time with him we would eat and we would eat a lot. But that's not all!! My mom was obsessed with losing weight when I was younger so I also learned that one will never be happy with their weight. Now I realize that all of these things are wrong and unhealthy! I don't need to sooth my sadness with food because that's what my parents did when I was younger. I don't have to continue to cope with life by falling to addiction! When I was younger and my parents got divorced I turned to drinking to help soothe the pain. One day after I had fucked up soooo damn much from drinking a person I love helped me understand that I had a problem. So I stopped drinking cold turkey. That was one of the hardest things I ever did because I was left with all of my pain. For sometime in the beginning of my sobriety I felt better and I felt like I could manage my pain, but then a whole lot of life fucken happened and depression came back knocking at my door and guess what?! The bitch brought over some razors and I soothed my pain by literally cutting it out of me. It did not take long for me to realize this was a problem, at least not as long as drinking, but it made me feel so good and helped relieve years of pain that I did not think I could stop. But I did. I leaned on my loved ones who knew what I was going through and I stopped cutting. I was good for sometime and I went over a year without cutting and then had a hic cup cut again and felt horrible. However that was the day I truly decided to stop cutting and now it's been 4 years since the last time I put a blade to my flesh with the intent to carve out my Sorrow and pain. But of course if you have not noticed this trend than you haven't been reading a long, depression came a knocking and this time the bitch brought a big fucken pizza with a bucket of chips and a tub of ice cream. It also brought with it denial, self loathing, and shame! A big fucken ass hole of shame and he permanently moved in. I felt all of my feelings, all of my pain, all of my shortcomings, all of my weaknesses. I could not see past my darkness until I ate. Eating gave me purpose and it made me feel good. It gave me a false sense of courage and content with a false image of a person I no longer was. I was hallow shell of a person being occupied by gluttony and shame. But not anymore. The more I realize why I started this way and that I have a choice, the more empowered I feel. I know it hasn't been easy and part of me feels like quitting if I don't see any results, but it's not about the number on the scale, it's about taking back control. So now I need to find a health coping to deal with all of the feelings that brew inside me so that I can break this cycle and the next time depression comes knocking at my door the locks are changed and that bitch is not invited. I want to regain my life and help little me feel better because now she knows that loves is not about replacing your feelings with things that temporarily make you feel better. It's about feeling everything! It's about not being afraid because I can handle it. I am planning on using this blog journaling format to help with this because now I can get out my most personal thoughts, cry, scream and just feel without resorting to a substance to help me feel better. I won't be a food addict any longer.

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Day 2/3

Okay so i already went back on my plan of writing everyday, but hey bare with me okay!? So day 2 was absolutely horrendous!! I wanted to quit and die. I felt so unmotivated, so weak, and so pathetic. I found myself falling apart at the seam wanting to stop this lifestyle change and start to eat the way i used to, which has gotten me no where. I cried my eyes off saying “Why!? I dont want to! I cant do this! I want to quit!” I sounded like a child throwing a tantrum, but that is all it was. I stuck to the plan and finished my second day on the program. Kicking and screaming i made it the second day. I have to be honest though, it was much harder than i expected. when i was left by myself with myself with zero distractions i realized how empty and hallow i am inside and how food has always been the way i have filled that emptiness. But why? why am i so empty. why do i feel like a sea shell where if you put your head to my heart you could hear the ocean. why do i feel like a dark abyss of nothingness that without a slice of pizza has no heartbeat. when did i learn that food was the answer and my salvation. when did i become a prisoner to food and bow down to its every whim. what can i do to change this. well i decided to reach out to my social support and they told me the same thing, REMEMBER THE WHY. They why i am doing this and the why i decided to start.When they said that i realized that the only reason i had was to lose the weight, but that is a hallow answer just like i am a hallow person. the reason it is hallow is because i cant hold onto it to help me move forward. its hallow because if i were to be falling off the edge of a cliff this is the rope that is tied to a pebble and not a boulder. it is hallow because it is meaningless. it is meaningless because at any moment i can decide to be okay with my weight and stop doing this. it is meaningless because i do not find meaning in it. So the why? that magical question. WHY? Why am i doing this. Why have i decided to let go of the cheeseburgers and french fries, the pizza and the soda, the chips and alcohol, the sugar and what i deem my life. Well i guess the answer is in the question. I am not just doing this for the weight loss, its to regain a piece of myself that i have willingly given up to food. Its to stop making food my life, but rather make it a fueling to my life. I want to value myself more. I want to look into the mirror and love what i see, not because i am skinny, but because i am happy with the person i have molded and become. I want to be free of this addiction i have to food. I want to be released from the shackles that food has on me. I want to feel better and feel healthier. I want to be a better me! I know that changing my eating lifestyle is not the only change i have to make, but its a damn good start. I want to feel whole again. I want to be whole with happiness and love and things that fill me with pride, not with food and broken promises. I want to look into the mirror someday and say, thank you. Thank  you for putting me first. Thank you for thinking about my future and about my needs. Thank  you for loving me and giving me a better life. Thank you for making a difficult decision and sticking to the plan. Thank you for making me complete again. 

i guess life is full of difficult moments and tough decisions. But this time, I have decided that i matter. I mean something and i deserve things. I am not a slave to my food. I have control over my choices and I will make it! 

So what is my Why? 

well simply put, its Me. Its for future Me, that will reap the benefits that present me is working hard to give her. Its so that future me can look in the mirror and love what she sees because she sees more than just weight she sees a human being with life, love, and courage running through her veins.

so yea, day 3 was not as hard, but i am now on day 4 and thanks to this post I have decided my why and it is not hallow. this is the rope that is tied to the biggest tree with the deepest roots and it will help me climb out of this abyss and live. Not just survive, but truly LIVE!

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Day 1

So this is my first time trying to keep some type of blog or written record of what is happening in my mind so bare with me. Not that i feel like anyone will read this since i do not plan on using tags or telling people about it, but still bare with me. So i decided to do this because I have been having a lot of crap in my head lately. With work stress, personal stress, and just life feelings like a massive boulder smashing me down, its been a lot. 

So lets start with the reason why i started this really. It might sound stupid, but i wanted to start writing while i am on this new nutrition plan to change my current unhealthy lifestyle to a more healthy manageable one. So yea, I’m writing about my journey to health on top of many other things. So I started this program that helps me eat 6 meals a day.5 which they provide via snacks and one that i am responsible for. Now i was all kinds of hesitant to start this program because GUURRRLLLL it was expensive! I dropped almost $400 for a months worth of healthy eating. So yea it was a lot! You might be thinking what i thought when i first signed up, “Isnt it just better for me to be fat? it would definitely be a lot cheaper?” but then i realized that i probably spend that much if not more in all the junk that i currently eat! so why the fuck not try to eat healthier and hopefully feel better in the progress. Well here is the thing, i started this program today and i am STRUGGLING!!  I usually dont eat a lot to be honest, or at least i dont  eat frequenly. I tend to not eat most of the day and then binge eat at the end of the day hence me being obese. But now i have to eat 6 times!!! and of course now my brain is like “Bitch if you gonna eat that many times might as well eat something delicious!!” and my brain is trying to take over my new journey. I have had 2 of my snacks for the day already which is already more than i eat during any work day, and i am somehow starving!! LIKE WTF?!?! I usually dont even eat during the week day and now that i am you gonna come at me like that body! So to say the very lease i am struggling. My brain is against me on this one and is out to get me! It definitely wants me to give in and just be happy being fat. BUT I CANT! I am sick of feeling SICK!! I am 25 years old and feel like i am 80. I have millions of health problems with zero answers or solutions, except getting healthy. I want to be able to breath without gasping. I want to be able to eat without heartburn. I want to be able to sleep without nightmare cause my mental health is stronger, I WANT TO LIVE!! I am sick of just surviving. I am sick of just going through the motions of life dreading each day and wishing for death. I am tired of not enjoying things like i once did. Now i know that being obese is not the only reason why i feel this way, but man they are linked. Its like fat bastard said in Austin powers (one of my favorite movies btw) “I’m fat because I’m lonely(in my case depressed) and I’m lonely because I’m fat!” Its a vicious cycle to say the lease, but I am tired of just being a passenger in the journey that is my life. I am ready to take on the driver seat and fucken make shit happen! I wont make excuses anymore for my shit decisions. If i make a shit decision, its on me no one else. But yea a huge rant later this is why i started this blog, I want to take a more active role in my life and in my mind. I am done making excuses and pretending like my choices dont impact my life. So i am going to try my best to write as much as possible since already after writing this rant i feel better. I feel more confident in the choice i made and this way i can hold my ass accountable and not let my 2 year old of a brain throwing a tantrum take over my life. 

thanks.