mightbe-evolving-blog

[mightbe-evolving-blog]

8/2/2019...7:07 and on

I'm hurting...alot 

uh listen to verzache aka zack ferache

[insert “no more” by verzache]

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7/29/2019...10:19 and on

kevin said that I'm not committed to the boys that  fall for and that i should take a break, i am committed i commit myself completely when i go out with someone i actually give it my goddamn all to fucking build something for the both of us but what happens? they lose feelings or they have to focus on themselves or I'm not enough see I'm not the one that does any of those things and I'm always the one with the broken heart i'm the one who gets thrown everywhere but what do i do i pick myself back up and brush off the dust because literally there's always gonna be someone else and uh well i guess u can say I'm one of the good ones i care about that person i give them my fucking undivided attention and i love them to the extent of which i at some point don't care about what happens to me I'm, selfless and that's something that my friends may not get because they'll never be in a relationship with me they don't know what its like to have me in a relationship and no I'm not tooting my own horn I'm only saying that in a relationship i put in so much effort and I'm always rewarded with nothing in return and that hurts but anyways gn.

[mightbe-evolving-blog]

7/29/2019...9:02 pm

alright alright i haven't checked in and wrote in a while but so much has happened and here goes...ultimately fuck sebastian kasley brandon and they are not worth anything, they are scum and just weight on my back, maria jennifer kevin jose kupae and tasty everyone else i know and cherish really it, quality people just to put it short. i stopped talking to markus and i almost went back to ben but i found an interest in this wonderful human being named brandon whos just gotten me through the ugliest times and uh i caught feels for em but he's on his way to college so he was pretty busy and i understood so i left him alone which was for the best and uh then i met this boy named anthony god he was so precious and he lives in delaware and i was about to go to him but it hit me, I'm only still a kid after i ceased my feelings for him o told him that i was basically leading him on and that wasn't really cash money of me and yeah I'm not tossing him aside but i will keep him as a close friend because h knows a lot and i do of him and it's be pretty dumb to let him go. now I'm floating around looking for someone else to talk to/like and honestly boys are either assholes or uh too feminine and there's no one that's ever really gonna fit my expectations so i guess i gotta just rock around and like go with it but i have my friends rna nd I'm really grateful for these people though i may not show it i am  :,)

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4/4/2019...9:58 and on part 1?

uh...well i got my heart broken again...i-im thinking a week before i turned seventeen i started talking to this boy named Ben and he actually hit me up first and we bonded LMAO we were like the same person but he was white LMAO...uh he was depressed and well our thing only lasted about two weeks because he- needed time to fix and heal himself and well i said it was fine but i genuinely felt hurt and used? not used just hurt and now im back into the hole that i was in but slowly getting out of it i guess... jose and i stopped talking completely after we were dancing along the lines of a relationship being there and not there and ultimately he said hell give me space but i actually think that there is some weight off my back andddddd, on another note i was about to fuck like this 45 year old man and suck off a 20 year old LMAO but never happened kind of glad...i am talking to sebastian and azhanae again because we were just being dick to each other for no reason whatsoever. glad about that...kevin is doing goodddd...uhhh i am talking ot another boy rn and his his name is markus and hes 15? anyways hes wats making me happy rn and honeslty ima make the most outa this one cause hes so sweet and charming, but yeah lmao not much oof ENDGAME IS IN 2 WEEKS BRUH not ready.

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2/10/2019...8:10 and on

first things first i'm almost 17!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! aAAAAAAAAAAAa lmao haha um...kasleys not a friends anymore its over but im not going to lie i do miss our friendship...anyways um jennifer also isn't talking to kasley and i guess were just sick of her but oh well i guess, um....i dated jose for like a day but he had just recently came out to his family and they're taking it pretty badly so we called it off until further notice but i lost feelings for him really quickly since even in that one day of the relationship i did se many gaps that there would be in the relationship like i found myself giving him more attention and him more of just taking it in other than giving some out not like he gave NOTHING but he did give a little bit , and i want the equal amount of whats being given you know and ugh im sorry jose i really am,i stopped talking to sebastian too because i saw myself wanting approval from him for whatever i did and i saw that he also judged me over everything in the god fucking art room, oo oo oo my art is getting better i've been doodling everyday and its really come to improve my art and i figured something else out i CANT draw a human no matter how focused or hard i try, i can however draw cutesy little characters like monsters and all of that which i LOVE cause its like imaginary friends wherever i go, o o o im manifesting an imaginary friend which really makes me sound like a nutcase when im typing it out but SOMEDAY it'll be real and ill prove all of you wrong other than that i got my toenails out, tomorrow i'm starting hockey in gym and i'm trying to read more books and omg ariana GRANDE NENENENENENENE also i read this book named the beast  its so good you gotta read it highly recommend um...i am trying to read before i fall but i can never just sit down and fucking quietly read there's always something happening and i'm getting better at skateboarding so is jennifer but we both need to fix our boards new trunks and wheels for her and better wheels for me other than that i'm over alex,im looking for someone to break my heart again iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin

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1/23/2019...10:55 and on

what has happened since the 2nd of january? i'm still wearing my lil pac-man hoodie :P um...I'M GOING TO START RIDING MY SKATEBOARD WITH THEO, but before we get there...he's going to teach me how to ride mine basically :D...um...jennifer and i have grown relatively close and so we made a fake argument on insta to see how our friend group would react and jen called it a social experiment and so i went with it and all i know is that out of this scenario i've learned that i have to be more careful with sebastian and jennifer and i have not spoken but both of us know that we have to start keeping our distance from kasley because the toxicity is just OOZING out of her and um...jen and i know that brandon and kevin still favor her with passion and well we can't change that but we can ignore it. There was a psychology course my school was offering and i just didn't feel like going this year so ill go next year and jennifer sorry i was so salty about it i just really don't like it when things are rubbed into my face and i myself don't like rubbing things in, yes i do, no, yes? eh...depends if its friendly banter or just out of spite...anyways i got my ingrown toenails out on friday and my mom did too with hers and um... i'm going to get them checked out again this friday and well im happy because i can run now and everything is fine...im over alex it still hurts a lil bit bro but like yaniris said its taking time and she made me block him on everything so that helps and i think i mentioned this but he texted me wanting to be friends and well i...that just made a deeper cut and yeah but i'm slowly healing and its getting better also i still like jose and jose is just such  good person to be around and im mad at him rn for some reason and i just feel bad because everytime i look at him i hurt because long story short his parents saw the messages we sent to each other about how we feel about each other and his mom hates me basically and well i don't want to cause trouble and i guess i wont talk to him until i get over him and oof there's this boy named brandon and hes so fucking hot and woooooow and he'd be a bear if he was gay but he's not :( and we stan liking straight boys for no reason. my grades are improving and im doing better as a person and O jen maria and i are making tik toks and it's the best thing EVER i love it and and well i'm going to keep watching thirteen reasons why s2 ep1 because i love this show and WELL anyways gngnfnngngngngngngnngng <3

[mightbe-evolving-blog]

1/2/2019...9:15 and on

i dont put “am” or “pm” on these ugly little posts because only i know at what time of the day it was lmao ok ok so...12/10/18 was the last time i wrote on here um..... a lot happened i came to terms with the kasley situation and kasley herself...katherine and nayeli both very good friends cut her off because what she did can't be forgotten but it can be forgiven although i don't work like that, if she doesn't want to talk to me fine, if she does ok, but i'm just going to be...cautious around her from now on...next up, alex, he started texting me a good week and a half ago talkin about wanting to stay friends but i guess its his guilty conscience and well ok i know he still likes me i think because the few times we've talked he called me “cutie” and he said “cuddle with me?” it was wild um...if he likes me than id take him back? but if i say i won't then it'll feel wrong too, siblings are going to be the dearth of me :/, LMFAO i was on the phone with kev and his phone died XD i'm chuckling lmao i texted him on league okok, we got a switch for christmas and O i got a skateboard apparantly my dad gifted it to me also um...i started using pinterest a little more...my art? asssss ima put a pic of it in a bit this whole winter break was emotions up and down i cried on instagram lmoa and LORDE i a queen at making me cry, also im slowly loving myself a little more NOT  a LOT but just a smidge i'm getting there the hatred is there too but they will balance eachother out, brandon kevin and jennifer they're the best yo...also i went to see spiderman into the spiderverse on my own and on my way home i was tired so i took the wrong bus fell asleep in it and ended up in garfield i called kupae cause i was LOST but i had money and got home safe also got a charging case THAN GOD and god? ill get around o o o IM WATCHING lucifer its really good anyways this is the night before school starts again good night lmao [insert “sober” by lorde] and right after [insert “sober II melodrama” by lorde] awesome story i love it when songs create a lil story anyways ima wait for kevin and attempt to bake cinnamon rolls good nighT WAIT taty might move to south carolina with her dad IM BIG SAD i really hope she dont shes one of the remaining close friends in have at that fucking school.[insert “royals” by lorde] QUEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i kinda had a crush on jose too a piano major i guess we'll just stay friends though he had feelings for me too FUQ this shit messy. :/

[mightbe-evolving-blog]

12/10/2018...9:45 and on

i've come to terms that i'm a problem to anyone that i encounter and that whatever i drag along with me is a problem so i'm just going to sit in my little corner and emotionally kill myself since i'm not stupid enough to really kill myself ima cry my eyes out and just deal with whatever fucking comes my way...if anyone wants to love me then ill take it but if no one does than i can take that too but whatever i'm a problem and there's no changing that

[insert “mountains” by LSD]

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12/9/2018...7:21 and on

i feel lonely...im sad...im tearing up...[insert “mountains” by LSD] i want to cry...i'm alone in my room...my parents are downstairs finishing up the prayer session for the virgin mary...its cold...im sad....[insert “thunder clouds” by LSD]...your saying those words like you hate me now...our house is burning your raising hell...there in the ashes your so...don't be afraid of these thunderclouds...all i need is one....all i need is a word...all i need is love...where did love go when all is said and done...[insert “zero” by imagine dragons]...there's an ad...i fell empty...drained out...angry...sad...i want to be psychologist...Hello, hello Let me tell you what it's like to be a zero, zero Let me show you what it's like to always feel, feel Like I’m empty and there's nothing really real, real I'm looking for a way out...empty is the only word i have for right now...oh right the church thingy um...i talked to my friends about it...kupae jennifer and taty said all the same thing...they wont agree but they gon have to put up with it and i feel like i'm getting closer to taty this year i hope i'm really helping her get through her breakup like she did with me...i'm talking to sai...hes a really nice guy btw he's pretty darn handsome and he hes als-forget lmao im just not going to talk to my parents about this whole church thing i'm tired of it ill just do the fucking confirmation and hope they leave me alone after that :/

[mightbe-evolving-blog]

12/9/2018...11:22 and on

so...there's this ongoing battle between me and my mom, and the church, i never liked the church i always felt like it was just extra for no apparent reason. my mother and i are struggling through the fact that i don't see why we have to praise the lord every sunday or why we have to take communion and confirmation classes, ot why we have to have the virgin mary travel from house to house...look...all i'm saying is that i believe that as long as i dont fucking worship the devil and know that god is there looking after me than everything will be ok but she doesn't get that she wants me to follow the catholic way and go to church and it just gets me mad, i know that im only 16 and at some point in life i'll turn to god but right now school is getting the best of me my emotions are a mess and i'm in a depressive state, i know that god is supposed to in a way help me heal through that and whatever but i just feel like i want to grow as a person alone and i know that i sound like a big ass narcissist right now because it's all me me me trust me ik what goes in  ik know that i'm probably hurting my mom by all of this and im influencing my siblings in them also wanting to go the way i'm going, i'm the older one i'm supposed to set an example but this i what i feel is me and im getting no kind of respect :/ i'm really not asking for a lot, today were supposed to have the virgin in our house and pray for her but i don't feel like i said doing anything other than believing and my mother wants to do all these little things because i know that she worried of dying without a purpose she crying and she packing up to go to the laundromat before she has to get home and clean the house and cook...i leave to sunday school at 1 ill clean up the house and try to set up downstairs if she lets me, there's no one living downstairs so that's why she thought it'd be a good idea to do so i know i have to help her through this cause it's not easy shes got all of us on her back and i feel bad because i'm not helping her :/ i try to but my head always get in the way...ima end it here ill update later...:/

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12/5/2018...10:58 and on

today in spanish class i had to number the lyric paragraphs to [insert “corazon sin cara” by Prince Royce] and if you dont know alex dedicated that song to me in the first month that we made together and we had a whole playlist on spotify and that song was in it but anyways listening to that song made me cry and it opened up old wound but not too big of an opening...so what i did while kev and i are one facetime he went to the bathroom and i played [insert “at my weakest” by james arthur] [insert “R.E.M.” by ariana grande] (shes really famous this year) [insert “promise’ by Romeo Santos] and [insert “color de tus ojos” by banda sinaloense MS de sergio lizarraga] and i surprisingly felt no kind of emotion towards them anymore,,,i thin im over him now i've...healed? idk its still getting worked on in my head. gn,

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12/2/2018...12:26 and on

[play “lost in japan” by shawn mendes] no he's not gay leave this poor kid alone

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12/2/2018...12:26 and on

so, i have these boys im interacting with...jose from school hes a sophomore and hes gay,i'm kind of catching feelings for him idk how but yeah, then there's this boy i'm interacting with and hes sai he lives in ny somewhere idk hehe anyways hes a senior and i'm catching feelings for him too idk what to do haha im making myself go crazy anywhoooo that's it for today bye

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12/2/2018... 12:25 part 2 and on

she made the account and i got mad and she hung up but before she did she said ill let you take your break A BREAK ISNT TWO FUVKING WEEKS BITCH but yeah two ass weeks later she texts me saying o can we hang out and i was like lmao no i'm busy and after that another week passed and she had basically went crying to my friends kevin and brandon and jennifer that she wanted to hang out and that just got them mad at me and i was super pissed because out of your own “needs” you break other friendships just to satisfy yourself but anyways jennifer was the only mature one in this whole mess and she talked to the both of us individually because she knew if i were to see or talk to kas i was going to THROW THESE FISTS but yeah rn kas and i are not talking this hatred towards her im working on it and its slowly fading and yeah oh  and rn its me jen kev and bran hanging out kinda feels nice to just...rub it in kasleys face cause she really tried to break these bonds lmao u failed (snsnsnsn im half kidding but im working on it leave me alone)

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12/2/2018... 12:25 part 1 and on

woah crazy week, emotional. haha well i deleted alex’s pictures and the spotify playlist we had, anyways jennifer and i are getting closer i guess because of this whole situation with kasley, the situation was that kasley is one of my closest friends but sometimes she creates problems but not intentionally she starts with good intention but then says the wrong thing accidentally and we’re all left a mess and have to clean up after her every time, so in this case i was talking to alex and she started texting him and i personally didn't feel comfortable with her texting him because she might ruin whatever was there and i told her that and she got mad and took it the wrong way i also might have cursed her out in the process because i have this thing where a feeling of hate attaches onto someone i'm friends with and i begin to just hate them i don't know maybe i'm crazy but anyways that's what happened with kalsey and i told her that and she thought that i thought she was flirting with alex but anyways she took it the wrong way and i blocked her she blocked me, and so time went on and me and alex broke up and kasley and i haven't spoken for a month, we broke up, a good two weeks past by and i get this message from an anon account and that account sent me alex's nudes and on the account there were screenshots and it was of alex and sebastian (another one if my friends) talking and it was nothing bad but i had told a bunch of people and we all though that it was sebastian, two days later i call kasley to make up and we made up and i told her the whole situation and then she asked if i was going to get ,mad if she told me something and i said no go ahead and tell me, she made the account that sent me alex's nudes...tbc

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11/27/2018...8:51 and on

i broke up with alex on the 31st of october and its been 27 days...today i realized i still cant get over you dude but fuck it hurts alot...today was report card night at school #9 (my old school) and i have this art teacher that's very dear to me, and every report card night me and few friends visit her but this time it was only me and theo, and theo and i were talking about relationships and i was telling him about this situation im in and you alex were brought up, and i didnt know he still followed you on insta but he does and he wanted to curse you out but i told him not to but he wanted to in the spirit of defending him, anyways i asked theo to go on your page and i looked at you, i looked at you and i remembered everything and i cried, i still have feelings for you and i cried...i'm a mess without you and damn...im a mess...like my house right now lmao haha these people love living in a messy house jkjk im sitting in the kitchen waiting for my mom to finish cleaning it because i haven't eaten at all today....oof

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11/25/2018...1:39 and on

i'm in a situation right now and everyone thinks thats i'm the one at fault the only one that i actually think is on my side is my friend katherine who knows maybe ill just separate myself from everyone...