millennialcries

[millennialcries]

They

i understand mental illness

ive read the articles online

i mean how many more people need to die

until we know the reason why

people like you cant just pretend you're alright

i mean you cant deny

everyone is sad at least once or twice

and it might not be your fault

by default

but it looks like you havent showered in weeks

why cant you take care of yourself

we havent talked much but its evident that you're devoured

by obsession that you've encountered

this disease this slow infection

is only as big as you make it seem and it seems like it i've gotten the wrong impression

you're always talking about this like it affects your whole life

cant you be happy that you're simply alive

so many people are out there just trying to survive

and you're here just fine fantasizing ways to die

why cant you stand up and try to be strong

at least try and act like you fucking belong

you have parents, a house, an education

just see a therapist and take your fucking medication

stop saying irrational things

the way you're acting

will only prolong

symptomsof self inflicted danger

go get yourself some help

i'm  getting tired of this behavior

i love you but i can't understand why it's so hard

for you to get better

asthmatics without an inhaler

struggle and cough, its a respiratory failure

doesnt matter how much air

im just sayin

yeah i been waking up fatigued, havent showered in weeks

thought you understood depression

but the words you speak dont give that impression

parents, a house, an education

this sickness cant be cured by material possessions

waiting for my life to begin

not sure if i have enough within

i am in the space between giving my all and giving up

suicidal thoughts have become an unwanted guest in my thoughts

sadness is an emotion

controlled by serotonin and dopamine

and the absence of a chemical balance

cant be fixed like allergies with antihistamine

and this notion

that medication fixes us like a potion

choosing between dreadful existence, or feeling broken

i mean when you've got money you've got a lot of options

chemicals sold in a business thats not focused on whats ethical

and anything tastes good when you're starving

humanity is the dusty box of puzzle pieces that need solving

[millennialcries]

Reticence Whispers the Secrets of Detriment

depression is such a spectrum, like some days its just an empty feeling, but years of living with it. i realized i forgot how to dream... to want, to have passion, excitement and desire for a better future

you keep it to yourself, but years of internalizing and overthinking every personal failure, ur conditioning yourself to be afraid to want or dream because you just want to stop letting people and yourself down

once that anxiety begins to outweigh the desire for success, isolation begins. u start disengaging from your personal goals, retracting from social circles, giving up the little power we have over our lives. 

now years have passed, anxiety and traumatized patterns of behavior have made it impossible to maintain friendships, let alone relationships. i’m tired and separated from the things that made me feel alive. 

but i realized tonight, i was not always like this. i was a passionate, talented, intelligent girl and i would always dream too much, because i knew the sky wasn’t even close to my limit. 

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Home

I have so far to go

I’m walking alone, the weather’s uncertain

Looking around, why do I feel like I’m the only one struggling

This bag used to be so light

Now it feels a heavy weight

Looks like it might rain

The home I need seems so far

Would it be wrong for me to put it down

Just for a minute

I used to dream

About more than making money

There was something else

But I can’t remember anymore

[millennialcries]

Fault

We need to stop looking for an event or cause for mental illness. Sometimes, there is a definite reason, but many times maladaptive behavioral patterns develop without conscious effort. It happens, and it is not your fault, but it is not anyone else’s fault either. Personality and environment is so closely related no wonder I went into environmental engineering first, thinking I had struck something I was truly interested in. 

What I was truly interested in was figuring the mystery of my existence and myself in regards to this world and how to be the best and most positive version of myself that I can become so that I can influence the world in a similar way.

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Late

Things always tend to happen too late in my life. I’d say the wrong thing in front of class and be speechless until the words came to mind, too late. Push away friends and family until I realized I needed to heal myself first, too late. But how can someone say that I am lazy or stupid or weak-willed for dropping a semester in college and ending up graduating a year late? 

How could anyone who never saw me crying in front of my garage every morning because I thought my dad was leaving me, or walking a rollerskate everyday with a shoe-lace for 2 months until my mom birthed my younger sister... What I’ve realized is that there is never a “too late”, only late for what you can see. A bud does not blossom this year, that is fine, next year it will be the same beautiful flower. Yes, maybe I am lazy and stupid and weak-willed. But when I blossom, it will be right on time.

[millennialcries]

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Wild horses running along the coast of the Outer Banks, North Carolina, USA.

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Little study

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德己立街  6.11.2017

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untitled by sarah longworth on Flickr.

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Castletown House, Celbridge in the Snow by JimT Photography on Flickr.

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Cerro Gordo - David Black

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