mimi-at6

[mimi-at6]

I hobble between hating myself and loving myself at the same time. Nick has a hold on me. It almost been a year since we broke up. I should be moved on by now. I hate that I even give him any attention. I wish I had the guts to block him and never see or speakt to him again. I know its harmful to have such angry over someone but he made me feel awful about myself. Being with him was like being in the ocean. One moment everything is ok the next he does not like me. Some could say its because I just got out of a abusive relationship. Nick is avoidant and deeply fearful of intimacy especially emotions. I am someone full of them.

I dont want to go out. I have no interest to see anyone. Even May annoyed me last night, I just want to be alone. The thought runs thruogh my head, but I am still alone. I nervous hit joint after joint. Thinking to myself. Am I ok? Is this normal. I wanna eat cake and cry. I wish I did not have the impulse to want his love. Why do I even tell him my love. I wish I did not want to give him my love. I wish pot could make me happy.

[mimi-at6]

In high school, I barely accomplished anything besides being high advanced in sexual encounters. While most my friends were having there first kiss, I was screwing a 19 year old at 14. He lived in an apartment with a cat named Bottlecap and cried everytime I broke up with him. He was emotional, abusive and i blocked out of most of it.

I dont know how David and I even ended up having sex. David was from the town next to me. He was dating my friend Chloe for a year until they broke up and I took Davids side. Why? Beacause I wanted to fuck him. I was ferral and felt that he could be my next victim in a list of men I have had sex with.

David was different though. He was my friend. We would smoke in my basement and listen to Frank Ocean. He let me cry to him when another guy "broke" my heart. I was probably getting my heart broken every week, the numbing out the pain with weed.

David even got me a Frank Ocean unreleased album. I always thought he was cute. I forget how it happened. But all I know is once we fucked we could not stop. We kept going for hours and any moment we saw eachother, we were doing eachother.

One day during our lunch break his mom and dad were at work. We both snuck up to his guest room and fucked like animals leaving blood stains behind, then laughing in the shower.

My friend CJ knew I just had se by the way I "walked" My mom called it a strut, she said I got it from her but little did she know I would intentionally make my hips move like that to attract more male subjects.

Once David and I went to College our friendship ended. Just like another friend he left me.

[mimi-at6]

He literally gave me a heart attack. The moment he left I found myseld hyperfixated on work to a point of exhaustion. Today my heart hurts again. I hate him. I want to break out of a cage i let myself be in when in love with him. It is a feeling I am embarrassed a feeling I deny a feeling that I dont know what it is. I feel this ownership over him and I am in a lot of pain because of that. I dont want to talk to anyone in this state. I feel like a fool. I know I am. He is not a good man and he does not even know himself. Hes a chicken without a head, cluesless. He has chosen to disapear from any state of feeling, that my feelings are overwhelming. I feel myself attacking my shell my ribs and all there is to them. I want to go away and never talk to anyone sometimes. This feeling is a fight but all locks have keys and you have the key no one else so dont let the feelings of others control yours of the world that you so positively looked forward to as a little girl. If you spread your wings the wind will guide you to the right safe haven.

[mimi-at6]

I remember how sad you made me. I just wanted you to love me when I dont know if I even really loved you. I dont want to talk to you and apart of me hates you for leaving me and that we did not work. I am mad at the rejection not the lack of being around you. When it was good it was really good and then it would turn. I would not want to see you but I thought "maybe he will show me he loves me this time" each time my heart would get broken. Every little kiss and hug meant so much to me and I dont even know why. I am so fucking depressed. Not without you with wasting so much time in these shitty relationships that just were nothing, actually nothing. I fear judgment. I fear I am going to sound like my ex boyfriend James and start sounding despaate and psychotic. I fear im like Andrys because of how jealous I can get but its because I know someone could cheat on me. I fear im like Nick beacause he broke my heart so much I dont want to fall inlove right no. He was my like everything and I did it I made him my everything. Now sean is making me his and I dont know if I want that. Hes 45 wtf do we even have in common. He lived my life 20 years ago. He probably does not even remember. Yeah hes nice I like the way he praises me and sometimes I could see myself falling inlove with him but then like I dont fucking know because I feel like I lost myself for a long time. After that second abortion I lost apart of myself I can not get back. I lost my ignorance. I took a stand and then I met Nick and he was everything my parents wanted what I didnt even know I wanted. In the beginning i questioned if I just loved staring at his body. I hated hen he would explain things to me or when he would chomp his fucking popcorn.I hated that we watched wrestling for 8 hours. He didnt give a fuck if i was ok he wasnt affectionate. He actually has 0 qualities I want in someone yet why am I sitting here sad over him? I think he took up a lot of my time and now I am alone in my thoughts and as liberating as that is its scarier than you think. Its terrifying. I sit here smoke get super stoned forget about my feelings then get my period and remember how deeply wounded of an indivual I am and I pretend with my adderall weed and coffee juul whatever that I am fine, but I actually am or feel like I am possibly losing my mind lol. Just kidding if anyone is reading and genuinely worried because I just am coasting in my life and i am scared that is not ok? Fuck my dad to be honest. He is the least affectionate father and I cant even remeber the last time he said something genuinely nice to me. He comments on every negative quality I could possibly hate and then walkls away and wonders why none of his kids are close to him. Sam is turning into a robot just like him I see it. Sam barely looks at me in the eyes and never tries to make conversation. This could be my paranoia but I see it. I forget sometimes if this is all in my perception and I should just worry about myself. Then again who am I to judge my own thoughts? Like what am i god? I am literally a 22 year old american what do i really think I could ever be perfect and the strive for perfection is the sickness that I know I am not the only one sick with anyway I am going to eat fluff now.

[mimi-at6]

Tumblr Tuesday: Pixel Art Edition

One Pix Per Day Strangely calming reader-requested pop-culture portraits. Contains: Gus Van Sant, Mary Poppins and Django.

Dehtyar Pixelating some fave fandoms. Choose your poison: UFOs or the undead.

Brother Brain All your GIFs are pixel art when they come from old school video games.

Noirlac Landscapes so detailed that they almost aren’t pixel art. But they are. 

Pixel League Test your League of Legends knowledge with this shadow shapes guessing blog.

Pixel Art by Noirlac