mintymelancholy

[mintymelancholy]

I've always said that loneliness is something you learn to live with, but deep down I've always hated it; ironically, it's the only thing with me right now, the only one that's going to stay until the end.

[mintymelancholy]

“…at least my own writing won't leave me. I want to keep believing in this.”

This is something I wrote a few years ago on my notepad.

I don’t know how to explain what I feel when I read that again, maybe I didn't feel anything at all. 

Perhaps it's a bit sad.

I don’t know if I’m able to write again.

[mintymelancholy]

I wonder why things in my mind tend to be bigger than they really are.

No matter what I'm doing, even if I'm not doing anything, my mind remains heavy with an exorbitant amount of thoughts.

Thoughts… 

At the end of the day, that's all I’m able to do: think.

These thoughts are more painful, suffocating, exhausting, desperate, complicated, time-consuming, frightening, challenging, expressive, terrifying, detailed, unpredictable, frustrating, disorienting, difficult...So many things that my lack of vocabulary is unable to contemplate them all; in fact, I'm afraid that even if I had a vast vocabulary, it wouldn't be possible to express these feelings, not in their entirety. Which is one of the reasons that I always get lost in the vastness of these thoughts; it is hard to identify which of them resemble reality. It gets so tiring that even if I’m thinking all the time, it's like there’s nothing on my mind.

I exist between all and nothing.  

It feels like I’m running a marathon, but there’s no finish line.

When I stop there's no feeling of accomplishment.

I didn't win anything. I didn't do anything. I just thought, thought, and thought some more.

Why am I still at the same place? Why can’t I move my body? Why can’t I understand what I’m thinking? Are these really thoughts? 

I…I don’t think so. 

In fact, I don’t have an answer to that. The only thing I know is that time won’t stop for me. The clock hands keep moving. My heart keeps beating wildly and yet, I'm still here, standing in the same place.

Will I ever be able to take one step?

Will I ever be able to move on my own…?

…

Once again, I wonder.

[mintymelancholy]

Can someone from the fandom be my hero?

I was thinking of writing some story about Tokyo Revengers (Since I like the characters quite a bit.)

Mostly focused on Shinichiro for now (With some OC), since I already have a few things in mind. Anyone out there who is a fan or writer, do you have any tips on how I can start?

Like, what platforms to post, what would be the best approach, I basically want to talk with someone haha 😅.

I'll delete that later, probably. Sorry if I used the wrong tags!

[mintymelancholy]

Have you ever felt like you were no longer able to write?

As if there were a barrier between you and the blank pages, the feeling of having so many words in your head, but never being able to express them.

✐ᝰ.ᐟ

In the past, things weren't like this, right? So how did I become like this...? How..?

If you feel this way too, regardless of how long this feeling has been with you, whether it's days, weeks, months, or even years, I would like to say a few things about it.

I apologize in advance, as this is not a motivational text or something that contains advice that can change the entire trajectory of your life.

Just me and my thoughts. These days there's nothing more terrifying than this.

I've been going through hard times long enough that I can't quite pinpoint the exact moment things changed or if they've always been this way.

"Why did you start writing?"

Before I even try to think of an answer to this question, I'm overcome by a wave of feelings. Once again, I drown in my own thoughts.

"Oh, it's so hard, I'm not good enough, I can't write as well as I used to."

"I'm a failure, I'm a disappointment..."

"Writing has discarded me, just like everything else."

It was hard to realize that all these years, I was the one who abandoned writing.

I turned my back on writing, as I had on so many other things. I was afraid of frustration, failure, even afraid to try.

This fear suffocates and paralyzes me; it takes everything from me. Everything.

The most pathetic thing is that I didn't do anything about it, I just got frustrated, closed my eyes and locked my heart away.

Sometimes I think about that little girl who loved to draw and write, the silliest things possible, like a random poem about flowers or a text about how much she liked the cartoons she watched. Every time I get hurt because of my writing, I feel like I'm directing those negative feelings back to my past self.

That's kind of sad, right?

So, I basically created this account to write for myself, regardless of the outcome. If you're experiencing a similar issue, I recommend you do the same.

Congratulations if you've read this far, I really appreciate it. The writing is a mess to match my troubled mind haha, I'll try to improve over time.

₍^. .^₎⟆

If you have any thoughts on this, feel free to share them. I'd would really love to read them.

[mintymelancholy]

In advance, I would like to apologize for my poor English, I'm trying to improve.

Also, I'm new here, so until I start doing things in a minimally decent way, it's going to take a while.

Maybe I'm going to post drawings (or maybe not) but at first I want to focus on posting original texts, fanfics and some of my OC.

I'm not going to post anything too long, as I don't think it suits the aesthetics of the site. When I decide which platforms to post the types of things I want to do, I should leave the link here somewhere.

The authorial texts might be a bit long for now, but I'm still trying to get used to the act of writing again.

Oh, I'll probably edit this post over and over again, so it's almost like a message board.

Basically a bunch of random things.

I'm trying to lose my fear of writing and drawing, so I should also talk about it from time to time.

If you end up here, good luck!

No, I have no idea what I'm doing. ツ