mirai-diary

[mirai-diary]

Hey Arisia

You remember the time when I told you I had no idea what I’d do if me and Shivani broke up cause I had no idea? Well, it turns out I’m not down in the dumps after the breakup.

Correction. I’m not down in the dumps BECAUSE of the breakup.

I got over Shivani. But will I get over you? If so then when? It hurts Arisia, it really really hurts. I want to cry even as I write this but I can’t seem to. I know I need to let it out. I know I cannot just keep all this inside me but I can’t seem to bring myself to get rid of this baggage that I’m trying.

I want to give up. I want to give up so damn desperately I have no idea how I haven’t given up yet. I didn’t want this to happen kiddo. I never wanted to fall for you. But I still did, and I fell hard. I fell off a fucking hill and kept rolling till i reached the bottom. And here I am, at the bottom.

I know that there’s no chance that I could ever be with you. It’s not because I think I cannot become someone who you’d love someday like the way I love you but because I know how much you love J and how much he loves you and I never want anything to happen to you guys and the happiness that you guys give each other.

Usually, this would be where I run off feeling all down in the dumps and consider it the end of the world, I’d probably do something very very stupid and end up hurting myself pretty bad and in the end, not realizing how selfish I was, I’d probably end up hurting you guys too. Can’t have a repeat of that again right> So I’ll probably just do something stupid on a smaller scale and hurt myself a bit or maybe I won’t do either of those, but trust me, whatever I do, I promise I’ll do my best that I don’t end up hurting you guys.

You know, sometimes it’s fucking irritating how J keeps reminding me one way or other how you’re his person and he’s yours and though I like how much happiness you guys bring each other it fucking sucks sometimes and I feel like he’s just rubbing it in my face.

My throat’s dried up, I can’t breathe, I can’t think. All I can think is how I’d be so damn lucky if I just happened to die and it wasn’t my fault. Because then I’d be dead and I wouldn’t have let you guys down by doing something stupid like killing myself right?

I’m done writing.

It was more of a letter than a rant. I just addressed it to you because I wish I could actually say this to you. I hope you never have to read this. Ever.

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Down in the Dumps,

Yours,

Abhilash Mishra

30/04/2020

0247 hours

[mirai-diary]

Hey Kiddo

I know you’re going through a lot of shit of your own right now and don’t want to talk to anyone. That’s how you work, you solve things on your own, or at least that’s what you’ve told me. 

I know I do a lot of things that irk you and annoy the living daylights out of you. And I realise this too that even as I say there are a lot of things there’s probably even more than I imagine to be there.

I know I’m probably bringing my own trauma and outlook on things when I try to reach out to you to tell you you’re not alone or that I’m here for you. I know I might be projecting myself onto your problems but that’s something I can’t seem to help though I am trying my best.

I’m sorry I cannot be there for you if being there means taking a step back. You know? I did try to take a step back, and that’s also why I made this blog and started writing these letters or trying to keep a diary through these letters that I write.

I made the mistake of searching up your tumblr even though I know you blocked me. I just did it on instinct and before I realised it, it was already too late. I was already there. 

Reading your tweets and not feeling useless again was tough. Not feeling that deep pit in my chest was something I struggled with. I knew you needed your space and didn’t want to talk but I couldn’t help sending a text despite knowing I shouldn’t. 

Obviously you knew that I was here for you. You’d obviously reach out to me if you needed me and I could help you in any way, right? This uncertainty. This question mark was what led me to make an assumption of my own that I should still leave a text letting you know that I am here for you. Even though it might just further irritate you or even though you might just ignore this yet again.

Sometimes I’m sorry that you met me. That I go out of my boundaries sometimes. Hell, maybe almost all the time. And you have to give so much effort just to not set me off. For all that, I’m sorry and I hope you hadn’t met me and just had J, the love of your life with you to keep you company and make you the happiest kid ever.

Don’t get me wrong here. I didn’t say I wished “I didn’t meet you” but rather that “you didn’t meet me”. You’re always going to be someone I cherish, love, admire, appreciate and care for through out my life. No matter what happens. 

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Yes, even if we end up drifting apart and not being friends.

I’ll still CHERISH all the moments I spent with you, the moments that changed me, the moments that made me cry, the moments where I felt truly happy because of you. 

I’ll still LOVE you. No matter how desperately or composedly (I googled it and composedly was an antonym to desperately). There’ll always be this part of me that loved you. And it’s probably gonna live on within me till the day I stop being alive.

I’ll still ADMIRE you. I admire you for who you are kid. You’re so friggin amazing that sometimes I feel blinded by how resilient and mature you are, how kind and unselfish you are sometimes. Though I definitely hope that you start to be more selfish in the coming future.

I’ll still APPRECIATE who you were to me. Everything. Each and everything that ever happened. Each and every conversation we ever had. Parafit par baith ke jo bhi baatei kari thi voh bhi (Actually, especially those).

I’ll still CARE for you. I don’t know what the situation will be in the future but I’ll try to be there for you and help you out in whatever way I can. I have a really strong feeling that I will probably drop anything I’m doing just so I could help you out.

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Your lil shit

Mr. Kuma

31/03/2020

0233 hours

[mirai-diary]

Hey Awesome Dumbass

I honestly hope and wish that you’re better than I am right now. The way that I am right now, if you continue down this line, after college you won’t amount to much and nobody could even be with you even if they wanted too. Cause right now you’re too caught up in trying to keep yourself from spinning out that you can’t even focus on the things that you realistically should.

But this is what always happens doesn’t it? You get yourself in a situation where you either help someone really important to you or put yourself in a situation where you have to get yourself out of the ditch you pushed yourself into in the first place. I’m sensing a pattern here and I don’t really like this. I hope I break this soon. For both of ours’ sake.

I know things seem harder because of this quarantine and being away from the people you love. But I don't really know if things would’ve been better even if the current situation wasn’t the one which you were in. If things weren’t the way they are now, sure, things would be different. But how? That’s the question right?

SO first of all, let’s evaluate how you are right now and what’s in your head before we go on to see what could’ve been if the scenario was different.

(1) You have a shitload of things you could do to pass your time. Those things include- going to the kitchen and actually learning to cook instead of just blabbering about doing so, talking to mom and dad about things, learning Japanese on Duolingo, researching about various things you could research about on google, reading and finishing Murakami or Paulo Coelho, working out a bit at hoe, helping around the house, calling Dadi and Nani on your own.

Those were just the various ways you could pass your time. And if we talk about being productive then you could always finish your Sociology, Political Science, English and Economics assignments and read the Study Material that the teachers forwarded you but you can’t really focus on any one thing at the moment. How fucking useless and dumb is that???

(2) Your sleep schedule is seriously fucked up and you sleep at sometime around 5 a.m. and wake up between 1-4 p.m. depending on I have no idea what.

(3) You just broke up with Shivani. Your longest relationship yet. What a wonderful person she was and how lucky you got with her is something I don’t know if I totally understand yet. Sure, you have your reasons about why you broke up,  or at least you think that you do. 

She was always the one who did the sharing and you never spoke about yourself. And why was that? Maybe because it involved people she’d be jealous of and you didn’t want to make her feel that way? I guess that was part of it but the truth is, you weren’t as open as sharing things with her as you were with kiddo and that pricked you. You didn’t like how someone was better than her in making you feel at ease. That was just a small part of the huge jigsaw puzzle though.

The thing is, you had always imagined a college romance, being a die hard romantic at heart because of how you had grown up being influenced. But the thing is, you didn't get the college romance you had always dreamt about. But because you had Shivani, you were okay with it. You were OKAY. Not the happiest you could be, but happy still. And slowly you began to realise it for yourself.

You didn’t realise it yet, but you liked Arisia a tiny bit. Maybe it was because of her being the person you could talk to freely with. A “therapist crush” as she said. But the thing is, you started to project yourself and Shivani in place of her and J. And that’s when things got really messy. Because Shivani was still not going to be there, but you three were. From there things just escalated slowly. 

(4) If I trace it all back then it was the time when Kaddu tied me the Rakhi that I slowly started to get close to the ones I call “MY PEOPLE” or consider as my family right now. Everyone except Sanchit of course. I honestly have no clue if I hadn’t talked to Kaddu about the Rakhi thing that day. No point in thinking what could’ve been. The main essence here is, that it was all because if that one decisive moment that I am where I am right now. The people that I call my people are my people because of that one moment.

(5) Arisia/Neko chan/Kiddo, call her whatever you want. But there’s no denying how important she’s become to you and how even something minute from her side could amount to the biggest event in your life. You still like her. Hell, you’ve idolised her. And you know that’s not good and even though you’re trying to not give her the power she has you can’t seem to help yourself.

Not having texted her today seems like a big accomplishment in itself. 

Don’t get me wrong when I say this. She’s still the most important friend I have and I’d do anything just to make her happy even when I was in total control of my life and didn’t feel like everything I did had some thought of her. 

The thing at the moment is that she doesn’t really feel like talking to anyone utna abhi and I understand that. But understanding something and actually being okay with it are two very different things. I want to talk to her but I don’t want to bother her but I guess I’ve already been one for a while now without even realising it. So I’m just going to try to distance myself from her bit by bit. Today was step one. The rest shall follow.

If she needs anything she can always reach out to me and I’ll be here. But other than that, I’m going to try to live for myself.

(6) Love. Any and all ideas I had about the concept, I’ve shelved it at the moment. Sure, I’ll randomly crush on someone or let them go the next moment. But I’ll definitely not label something as love or even think about it for a really ling time now (or at least that’s the plan for now)

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I hope you’re well and amazing future me. I hope you have come a long way from the way you were now. I hope that you have the tools necessary to survive in the world out there and most of all, I hope that you are happy and content with yourself.

Your Amazing Past Self

Abhilash ‘getting back to being Awesome again’ Mishra

30/03/2020

0207 hours