misadventuresofblinx

[misadventuresofblinx]

BLINX GETS RAPED

Ok so I didn’t really get raped, but it’s kind of how the story evolved. It was more of surprise, drunk sex. It was during my time at Lesley College and every night was basically the same thing. Me and Ryan would leave work, head to the liquor store, and go to Lesley. Now I had made a few friends there but no one I was exclusively seeing or anything. That would basically defeat the purposes I had in mind. Now this night is a bit scary and funny so it wasn’t a total loss, but it’s the night that made me learn to be a bit more cognitive of things when shit-faced. Every night Ryan and I would chose our best case and worst case scenarios of who we were going home with that night. Now the best case was usually the one that would take some work and attention to go home with and that would involve being somewhat coherent so that didn’t usually pan out for me seeing as I liked to be drunk. My worst case scenario was always this same girl, a permanently stoned, hippy girl named Libby. Unfortunately for me this night was different. There were probably about fifteen or so of us hanging out on the stares in the quad drinking like any other Friday night when a few girls joined us. There was a Russian girl who for the life of me I can’t remember her name so we will call her Jessica. Then there was Kat, a larger (read fat) gothish girl who was wearing a corset with her tit’s spilling out. Well Ryan’s best case scenario had changed to the Russian girl who he failed miserably with due to the fact she was into girls. My worst case scenario had changed due to the fact I was shitfaced and didn’t remember my name anymore to the girl with the mess tits and the belt size that was greater than mine. So the night continued with my usual drunken jackassery and I made a fool of myself which included almost getting into a fist fight with the NA of the floor I usually stayed at (remember I don’t go to this school) who had a chip on his shoulder. It also didn’t help he was Irish and I kept making fun of the IRA. At this point Kat is allowing people to grab and test her breasts. They are magnificent. Never before and never since have I ever met a fat chick with tits quite as nice as these and it made me curious if it as possible that they were real.

The drinking went on for god knows how long and Ryan had a brilliant idea of me chugging the last bottle of Smirnoff black cherry vodka. Now I wasn’t in the type of condition to make good decisions so what do you think I did?? I downed that bitch. Now I was no longer able to stand under my own power and it was time to go to bed.

Me: OK ladies and Gentlemen, where can I sleep tonight?

Some slight murmuring and giggling went about which if I was able to recognize the signs of a plan like I can now I would have slept in my car.

Me: No where? I bring you booze and I can’t have a comfy floor or empty bed?

Kat: You can sleep in my room, my roommate isn’t around.

Giggling ensues again however I am not wise.

Me: Ok, Lets go

We walk through the building towards the stairs and she is guiding me from going on random adventures into closets and from falling down. We walk up some stairs, down a hallway, down some stairs, and she falls. She actually tripped over nothing! It will turn out later she was heavy enough to break her own ankle under her weight. Oh dear god.

We finally get to a door which she says is her room, but I’m confused because it looks more like a closet between two other rooms. She opens the door and I suddenly understand the joke. There is only one bed, one computer. I believe at this point that she ate her roommate but my yearning for sleep decides that I need to enter this room.

Me: Where’s your roommate’s bed?

Kat: Oh I don’t have a roommate I have a single

Me: ok, that’s cool I’ll just sleep on the floor.

Now as I decide to do this I start to walk and my trip to the floor was much quicker than I would have liked because I actually trip over her printer, fall, hit my head on what I believe to be her cpu, and then nothing. I wake up at an unknown amount of time later with no pants on, bleeding from the face, with her naked on top of me riding like a bad mechanical bull. I have never been ridden like this girl rode me. She was bucking up and down, gyrating, and sliding, reaching back to grab my balls. I mean this girl had either been genetically engineered to fuck, or been with a lot of guys. I decide that since I’m here I might as well go with it. We go at it for a while and I enjoy her tit’s quite a bit. I am still drunk at this point and last longer than I would have liked. I look down and at this point see the most horrifying thing any guy will see. I had at this point not even thought about if she put a condom on me, but I realized she had and that it was currently shredded because there was just the ring on me. I panic

I knock her off of me and she asks whats wrong and just tell her to finish me. She does, I pass out. Now I wake up to see the sun starting to come up. She’s still asleep but I am sober enough to realize what the hell happened and that I need to get out. Luckily at this time I owned two phones so I could pull off this next little trick. I reached down, grabbed one and tossed my pants aside after raising the volume on the other one and putting it back in my pocket.

I dial my number and pretend to be asleep. I let it ring and ignore it. Kat has woken up and has the rage of an angry bear.

Kat: who’s calling you this early?

Me: I don’t know, just ignore it. It’s probably Ryan wanting to go home before work.

The phone stops ringing and I hit redial. It starts ringing and she’s not happy

Kat: Just answer it and tell him to fuck off.

I pick up the phone

Me: hello? What!? Why the fuck are you even up this early!? Ok I’ll be there in 20 minutes.

I hang up the phone and tell her that my sister was stranded in the middle of no where and I have to go get her. She offers to come and I tell her that she’s sweet but there are people with her and I might not have room in my car.

I get out with my life and somewhat of some dignity because there was no way I wanted to do the walk of shame out of that girls room with people awake. Luckily this one time Ryan actually took his own car so I was able to go home and rest before I had to be at work. When I got to work everyone was applauding me and I was referenced as a single Pigmy tribesman trying to take down the elephant alone. My balls have never hurt as much as they did that morning, and I’ve actually bruised a testicle.

It was a funny night and looking back the act was worth the story, but not worth the torment I got until I fucked a cute chick again.

[misadventuresofblinx]

Cats, dogs, and horses, oh my!

So this is going to be my first entry into the misadventures of Blinx. The majority of these will be stories about dating, but I'll put a few in that are just amusing. Unless otherwise stated I've changed the names around to protect the stupid. This one date will haunt me forever, probably more so than any other. This was at a point in live where I was a little out of it for a number of reasons and was keeping my self distracted with perpetual dating. I'm going to call this girl Jenn. She was a 30 something year old with a huge rack. I was in my mid twenties and started having a thing for older women. Due to the recent bad luck I had with girls my own age and had even tried younger (huge mistake). We met on one of the more popular dating sites and had gone back and forth for a few days before switching to texting. Shortly after that things got a bit dirty, both out right and with subtle innuendo. Soon pictures of naughty bits were exchanged. She seemed pretty normal through text. So I thought/hoped that she would be normal in person. We talked about the normal bs small talk subjects (jobs, hobbies, tv habits, etc) that cliche crap we all talk about with people when we don't want to say "hey I just really want in your pants, can we skip to that?" Well we made plans for an early summer night. I was on my way to pick her up at the mall she was working at when she called me to say she was running a bit late closing up the store. Ok no problem, except that she would say one word to me and a paragraph to whoever she was working with. That's a pet peeve of mine. If you're calling me then talk to ME. Or at least just call me back when you're not being barraged with questions about a price check. Any ways she got her one thought across after ten minutes of back and forth with her co worker. I waited in the parking lot like a patient little horn ball until she was ready to go. She called to say what door she was at and upon driving up I knew I had made a mistake. She was in beat up sweat pants and a hoodie....in the summer. Now I'm not really shallow or at least I have really low standards, but I do believe in making a good impression. I had showered, shaved, and put on cologne, she looked like she had just rolled out of a bed from the 90's. I know the most potential we had was random sext buddies/ hookup friends, but at least put SOME effort Into it. I drove a big truck at the time and she's four foot ten so it was amusing to watch her scale the side of the seat to finally get in. Spoiler alert, that was the only time of the evening Id be amused with her behavior. As we took off from the mall she then started something she would not stop voluntarily for the rest of the evening.....Talking. And not just talking, but babbling. About anything and everything. Any time Id try to steer the subject to something even mildly resembling a two way conversation shed interrupt me and continue on with her train of thought that had the navigation system of an out of date map quest. It went nowhere and everywhere at the same time. I made an executive decision at this point that I had to change the original plan of hanging out at my house because I would be damned if I was trapped in my room with this babbling hobbit. She had mentioned coffee so as we stopped at a dunks drive through I set the alarm in my phone to go off in 3 minutes. In those 3 minutes she went into a very detailed explanation of the particular types of milk she liked and what season she liked them in. No seriously. Regular milk is too heavy in the summer so she drinks rice milk. I explained you can't milk rice due to the lack of teet, but she didn't find amusement in my joke, only confusion. Then my phone goes off. SWEET BABY JESUS THANK YOU! I answer it like a call and pretend it's my room mate saying he's having people over. I explain to her that we can no longer go back to my place because it will be crowded, but since the weather is so nice lets go to a park and walk around. Unfortunately for me the park I have in mind is about 40 minutes away and she fills that time by going into a babbling fit of explaining every name, breed, and behavior of every pet she's ever owned, wanted to own, dog sat for, walked, or hoped to own. I'm a dog guy, I love dogs. But I really can't listen to ten minutes about the irritability of a boxer she walked once for ten minutes. She apparently smokes a lot of weed. I know because she spent 20 minutes telling me about how much she smokes weed. She told me about smoking with her mom, with her dad, and about the time her cat thought that the weed she leaves on her desk was cat nip. At this point I'm contemplating speeding and taking a swing at whoever pulls me over because prison rape would be more fun than listening to her talk. I know what you're thinking. Why the hell didn't you just bring her home!? Well let me tell you. Because I'm an idiot. Plain and simple. At that point in time I'm just thinking about hopefully banging a girl with big tits under the stars. I'm a romantic like that. We finally get to the park after 40 something minutes of hell and I tell her we need to be quiet because we aren't really supposed to be there after dark. What's she do? Yup you guessed it, she talks LOUDER! I hate my decision making skills sometimes. We walk around for a bit and I'm distracting my self by staring at stars because I live in the city and its rare I get to see them. We get to a bench and sit down. She's complaining it's cold so I pull her into my lap hoping it will keep her quiet. Again stupid me. So what do I do? I kiss her. Hooray, silence. What the hell is that taste? Her breath tasted like air out of an old balloon. That is the only way I can describe it. We make out for a little while, but when we're catching our breath she starts talking about her ex boyfriend, who is also her current room mate. Fucking kill me. So I do what any sane person would do. No I didn't take her home. Have you not been paying attention? I shove my hand in her pants. I start fingering her and my god it made her shut up....sorta. She just moaned a bit. I also decided to start playing with the ginormous tits in her shirt. Ok this is a little better. She gets off and takes a deep breath. Annnnnnnnnd, starts talking about dogs again. Seriously what the fuck. I start grinding on her ass to give her a hint, well she doesn't take it and we hear some voices so I decide to go find another place. I'm not a religious person but I'm praying: "dear god, let me find somewhere secluded so I can bang this girl and get something out of tonight" ya no that didn't happen either. So we walk back to my car and I drive her home. Which is another 45 minutes trapped in a 3000 pound box. She is now telling me stories about how her car had something wrong with it but her ex boyfriend/room mate/mechanic tried fixing it. Oh and she has a horse. Did I mention that? Because she did, she mentioned it for 25 fucking minutes. About how her friends had to drive her to ride the horse because her car was now destroyed by some natural disaster. Personally I think the car just rather die than deal with her....I can relate I guess the horse did tricks too, like not shoving it's head in the ground when she talked. I don't remember what else she talked about because I just started entertaining my self with waiting for silence and counting to see how long she would stop. I got to 6 Mississippi's at most. Usually 2. Finally a miracle occurred. I got her home without driving my car into a wall. I drove home blaring country music to cheer my self up. I got home and literally kissed the side of my house, whispering "don't worry, I won't let the bad lady inside you" I got upstairs, took a deep breath of relief and she sent me 3 pictures of her dog. Like victims of violent crimes I chanted "NEVER AGAIN! NEVER AGAIN! Fuck my life.