misstinysblog

[misstinysblog]

"A child, a sister"

(Dedicated to Joy)

I've been running for almost forty minutes on these treadmills, and got lost in my thoughts again. I got burst in my bubbles when I heard my phone rang loudly from the alarm. I guess it's time to go home and face the reality that I'm not alone, that I preferred to be. Don't get me wrong, I am glad and blessed that I have all of these people but not exactly what I supposed to feel.

"See you tomorrow!" I shouted, expecting Alice to get the message.

I begun walking through the alley of streets as I got drown again from the deepest ocean of thoughts that I possess. Trying to find the answer from all the waves of memories that wildly crashing onto my heart or rock as they named it.

I'm not ready.

When I will be ready?

Will I be ready?

There's no room to be tired, but it doesn't mean I'm not exhausted. I'm laughing, but it doesn't mean I'm happy. I have all, but it doesn't mean I'm complete.

As I arrived at home I immediately go upstairs, in my room as my only destination, my comfort zone, my escape, my barrier to all lurking eyes that intend to cause me pain.

"Princess! It's time to eat your highness." I heard a voice from beneath. "Get out from your burrow." added by someone.

I hate it, but do I have a choice?

It pains me, but do they care?

I guess maybe they're right, I do have a heart of a stone.

I made my way to the kitchen, grab everything I need. You see, it's self service for not typical dinner for not so typical family. As I joined them in the dining table, sit in front of her, in beside of him-the most favorable one.

I consciously put a desired food on my plate,  kind of hoping it turns different this time. Enjoying the peace while it last. I sight a dish from a far, liking to have a taste. I promise it's just a bit so I let myself. As I scooped not so many just a bit as what I have said.

Food gives comfort, food gives joy, food is the life. Excitement wash through me as I think about food.

"That's enough, you already have a lot." she said. "You'll be fat, you, going to gym would be useless." she added. "Did you see yourself? You kinda look like a pig." said of-with the different voice this time- laughing. They won't stop talking, they won't stop judging, they're having fun, they're enjoying my misery.

Speak you Idiot! Don't just shut up, learn to fight you mongrel! I battled with my subconscious again, as always. She's right I should have a voice but where is it? I can't find it. Where's my tongue? Where's my courage? Could you protect yourself could you?

Cut got my tongue again, as always, nothing has change. I just want respect but it seems hard to get. Happiness is gone, peace is gone, excitement is gone, everything is gone. I've never been wrong. I always knew that it would end up like this over and over again.

I carried myself out of their sight, leaving them behind, leaving my care, cause I really don't care. I thought I am a stone but I thought it wrong. This naked house was never my home. Trapped in my vulnerable cell I guess you'd call it myself.

Give me one minute, I just need to breathe. Just one minute, I'll be on track.

Just one minute, I'll be alright.

How I wish.

I'm in my bed, and there's no one.

Is anyone there? Can someone save me?

I want to shout, I want to scream, I need saving. I need someone who can hear me even if I don't speak.

This is pain, this is hell, this is the reality of life. Pain, hellish pain. All my life, pain is my bestfriend, and tears are my allies.

I just want change,

I just want understanding,

I just want fairness,

I just want respect,

I just want happiness,

And I just want love

Is that too much to ask?

I buried my face in the pillows, trying to stop the stream of tears in my eyes. As I begun digging the memories that I'm trying to buried under the sand that keeps tormenting me for years.

I'm tired

I'm tired of them

I'm tired of myself

I'm tired of everything

I just want to give up, but guess what?

I'm a martyr.

In the next morning I woke up with the floppy eyes, not new to me ofcourse. I get my phone from beside to check the time. 10:30 it says, it's nearing noon already. I carried myself out of bed, out of the room. It's dark and quiet, and when I check they're still sleeping.

I'm famished, I didn't eat much last night. And I guess I also have to forget the breakfast as they're sleeping yet. Remember the rule- I can't eat when they still aren't. I don't want to break it as I don't want to hear anything. I'm made my way upstairs, I'll just sleep my hunger.

I woke up again as I heard my name. I find myself outside just to avoid oration from her. But it doesn't always end up the way I want it.

."You're a mooch, you're so useless, look at yourself, so disgusting,....,....,....,.....,....,...." she said, they said. I don't need to tell all of that.

You see, she see me like that. That's what she think of me, that's what they think me. I'm useless? How about his son? Does he useful? No, diffinetly not. For God knows how bad he is, how poor he is. But still I'm the blackship of this family. Because he has all, he's the favourite, she loves him dearly.

How badly I want to reprove myself,

When they're still young, who takes care of them? Me!

When they're still young, who wash their clothes? Me!

When they're still young, who comb their hair? Me!

When they're still young, who taught them to write? Me!

When they're still young, who taught them to read? Me!

When they're still young, who cook for them? Me!

When they're still young, who plays with them? Me!

When no one is there, who's with them? Me!

I always there for them, they always have me.

But where are they? Do I have them?

Where's the respect? Where's the love?

Can anyone appreciate me?

Again, I find myself in my room. Thinking about how long this would take.

How long will I endure,

How long will I in pain,

How long is everything.

But then I still forgive them,

I still respect them,

I still trust them,

I still love them.

I still have hope, I still have faith that my agony will end. And I will hold on to that.

Giving up is always an option, but never my choice.