misunderstoodboy

[misunderstoodboy]

I need people to understand that sometimes autism is just this

[misunderstoodboy]

Why are you back in my life again? We were in the clear werent we? We walked different ways a long time ago. Why are you always comming back when i was trying to be better? Since we parted ways i was not able to let anyone near me.. i cant bear the feeling.

But i was getting better! And now out of NOWHERE you are back once again. I dont understand..u have a boyfriend and a child! So why do you still care abt me? Explain it to me i would like to know the reason. Or even better please leave me alone.. yes it was nice to hear from you and to know youre good but i dont wanna have the wound cut open any wider please. I can not bear it. Most pepole would say they have stared over and dont think abt their past relationship anymore. But eventhough we broke up a long time ago i still thought about you from time to time when i saw things that remined me of you and had a little smile on my face.

You were my first love and you will always be treasured in my heart. Even now i would do everything in my power to do everything you ask me for. If you asked me to come pick you up because you had a rough day or something id do it in a heart beat. Not because i love you but because you will always be a special someone to me..

But you can not just text me and expect me to treat you like an old friend. It does not work that way. You have a baby god damn..and a man on your side. Dont to something like this again.. we were in this situation once again. You had someone on your side that you loved and suddently broke off with them to be with me... i dont want him to be in pain. A friend told me he is a sweet man who loves you dearly so i just hope that he is taking good care of you. And that your happy but please when you have him..dont contact me. It hurts. I hope you can life the life we always imagined together that you guys get married with the little one on your side and move to england. You are almost half way there. I am rooting for you to live your dream. I remember your excitement when you told me everything u wanted to do in your life and i hope he can make all of it happen and even more. So please dont let him down and stop contacting me..it wont help anyone of us.

[misunderstoodboy]

Society says…

‘It’s okay not to be okay’… as long as you’re still productive in society

‘Talk about your mental health’… as long as it’s not too loudly

‘Reach out for support’… but we won’t fund mental health services

‘Self care is important’… as long as it’s aesthetically pleasing

‘Let people know when you’re struggling’… as long as it’s convenient for them

[misunderstoodboy]

[misunderstoodboy]

[misunderstoodboy]

Wait, you're telling me there are ways to deal with my problems that don't involve dissociation???

[misunderstoodboy]

Monday 13th Febuary 2023 03:08am / 04:21am

Everything is so blurry and distorted. Not a single thought in my head which could keep me alive. Nothing to hold on to.My life is filled with hospital and psychward visits, with bruises, cuts and screams until i sit silently in the corner of my room with tears running down my face. My father cut of my food supplies and locked me in my room with nothing but my very own thoughts after harassing me for my looks. My mother looked me dead in the eyes while her new lover molested me infront of her eyes multiple times . My brother is the reason i lost all my trust, he was the one i thought would help me stand up against these people. But instead he pushed me right into the open fire and he had fun with it. He was the reason i was coverd in bruised and had dislocated bones various times . But nobody cared because i was being overdramatic and i'd be fine. I do not understand why nobody badged an eye when i was missing school for a ridicolous amount of time and when i came back was always swollen around the eyes. Years later i was finally able to leave but memories where deep and came back everynight in my sleep. Soon i learned to cover up my flaws and act like someone everybody would love. Just to realize i will never be able to ever take off this mask. Because if i did i'd be back at the start back to being abused and back to being alone in the dark.

Now i live alone with a little circle of friends who do not even know the real person behind these silly laughs. My parents do not know my name nor adress because everything is changed or blacked out so i am not easy to locate and beat up . But my mask remains even toghether with my closest friends. If i were to let it down my mask i would be 6ft under and unable to help my friends with their unhealed trauma. Because who could help them if not someone who is been though everything all by them self.

But day by day it gets harder to hold up. The memories are catching up. If i don't consume i will quickly be eaten up by my thoughts in a head so loud where it is impossible to even catch a single thought. It is so loud and vivid everytime i close my eyes it becomes so real that i wish to never wake up.

-Loner.

[misunderstoodboy]

Hi i'm a guy with ptsd,severe depression and anxiety disorder who is gonna use tmblr to vent again because it helped alot in previous years. So be kind and just block me instead of reporting.

[misunderstoodboy]