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It's my 9 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

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I wonder if someone can look down at you

Look down from where?

Talk to me how?

Through dreams?

Through delusion?

How many drinks does it take to see you again?

How many tears does it take to hear you again?

The only way to see you again is through delusion

A glitch in the matrix

I don’t think you can see me

Written by : Mayra Libertad Fernandez-Martinez

2020

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Hindsight is 20/20

But your shadow is but a faint silhouette

What’s behind you

What follows you

Isn’t clear

It isn't always clear what broke us

Some days

It seems as if its a pile of papers

Just spilling over

Hoarded receipts of dates

Times

Places

Why can’t I remember?!

Some days

What you think broke you

Was what made you stronger

But who has time for cliches?

The answer still hasn’t been found

And my heart is shivering by its lonesome

My heart

In envy of my lungs

At least they have each other

She thinks some days

Your shadow

Runs away as you try to find it

Every time you think your vision is clear

Reality shifts

Moves

Bends

Binds

Following your shadow that you thought was following you

What will you do

The day the face you see in the mirror

Is different from yours?

Written by: Mayra Libertad Fernandez-Martinez

2019

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It’s been a while since I wrote to you

Time truly does

Heal all.

Once you grow up

And find your favorite pair of shoes

When you were a child

Hidden away in the crevices of your closet

That’s what it feels like

Thinking of you

So small

So long ago

Dirty, used

A Memory

Even if I wanted to put them on

Just to remember what it felt like

One more time

I couldn’t

I grew up

Grew taller than I ever expected

Stronger

Smarter

Than I ever expected

I outgrew you

The memory of you

The laughs, the cries,

The please, the lies.

It’s truly over

I came across the faint memory of you like I did my childhood shoes

Smiled

Remembered

And turned the page

You couldn’t fit, even if you tried.

Written by : Mayra Libertad Fernandez-Martinez

2019

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Lost Poem

Your eyes rest on the sky While you ask yourself why, why, why? The raspy concrete surrounding you makes you wish For so many things your Christmas list But no ones coming in the middle of the night To simply give you what you can only win with a fight Your head is up, but you only look down Looking for something, you think, can never be found Your hand hovers over the rough concrete Questioning yourself on how you think “I try God, I try!” You yell to the sky “I pray until they turn to shouts, While I see nothing of your doing comes about!” Jaw locked, fist balled, with angry tears held back You slam the concrete, thinking of what you’ve always lacked Closing your eyes, only to let a tear slip away You suddenly notice something beautiful under the shade Something so beautiful only mother nature could have made You rush to it, for you fear its beauty, like everything you’ve ever loved, will fade The impenetrable facade you had always shown Was now penetrated, showing you that you’re not alone The conversion from the course ground to the limp pedal Felt better than receiving any medal You hand briskly withdraws from the beauty of the gift Your heart, your soul, couldn’t understand the sudden uplift There by the gorgeous flower between the cracks That shows exactly what your life lacks You look back to the sky And helplessly begin to cry But a cry of content That there is beauty, there is hope, in the cracks of the cement. 

By : Mayra Libertad Fernandez-Martinez

Freshman year of High School

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Unfinished

He follows me in the daylight

And disappears at night

It never speaks 

Never breathes

It drags and stretches

When it walks

He seduced me with tails of love and affection

He disappears in the darkest of nights

Bleeding in with the emptiness

.............

By : Mayra Libertad Fernandez-Martinez

Freshman year of High School

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Lost Poetry

I cry in the rain So my tears get lost I smile in the dark So those who fear me, don’t see I have a weakness I fly on the ground So the birds won’t call me out I sing in silence So my lyrics don’t get confused I love those whose hearts are broken So my heart won’t be too I hide who I am So i won’t be judged Which may be a mistake  But i do it because I want to protect myself From being hurt Again

By : Mayra Libertad Fernandez-Martinez

Freshman Year of High School

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Lost Poetry

Speak the unspoken to the deaf Show the invisible to the blind Listen to the silence from the mute Speak, yell, holler your thoughts to your enemies Show all your hidden feelings to the one you love  Listen to what they say, for this is a solemn act Speak No Don’t speak, only listen Allow them to show you something new Allow the different to, for once, be the norm Listen to how they speak How they show their emotions Judgement is always done by the ignorant Listen to their heart break Show them you care Speak, only the truth That they are also like you

By : Mayra Libertad Fernandez-Martinez 

Freshman year of high school 

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I found a company called “Frantic Meerkat” who makes journals whose sole purpose is to call me out

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Look up

And see a spinning wheel

With dripping paint

And write a poem

Smell the cracks between bricks

And dust your shoes

Tangeling braids

And zipping zippers

Run on the spaces

Between the lines

Feel your eyes blink

As your tooth shakes

And drive

Over the shadow of a bridge

To find your lost cause

Count the sheep on your shirt

And call it a day

Now

Write your secrets

Through breathes

And taps

Lock it and say

Farewell

By: Mayra Libertad Fernandez-Martinez

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It’s as if my shadows Echo the streets As if my feet Remember their route But are lost Because the ground vibrates differently

I miss the skyline The fog of Sweet Aurburn Haunting the skyscrapers

Many times We can only go one way

Written by : Mayra Libertad Fernandez-Martinez

[mlibertad98]

Will I?

As I carried my lost world into the confines of my room, my heart was numb. My eyes seemed to simply look side to side, avoiding contact or connection with anything of mine. Avoiding the memories that would flow out of this suitcase, the moment I opened it. 

I got on my knees and looked at the suitcase, lovingly at first until I remembered why I had it where I was and when I had it instead of where it should have been if things had worked. If my dreams were to have come true. 

The zipper got stuck a few times, as I slowly and gently pulled it around the suitcase. My heart raced as I pulled the top open and saw some of my things. I few clothes I had bought with him. Headphones. Things from projects we started. Some pictures, my journal, and a scented oil were the first things I pulled out. I smelled the "Black Butter" and embraced the nostalgia that came. The smell is the strongest trigger of memories. 

Love is a funny thing. I'm sure we've all thought that or to a certain degree. I loved but it seemed like I loved a story. A walking poem. Art. A song. He was the representation of the real life version of all of those things, except there was no reason for me to have seen him in that light. At all. The only thing he did well was paint a picture with his words. A talent, yes, but not being put to any use.

The mind is also a funny thing. The subconscious is the king of games and defacing logic with desire.  Things that seem right to us in a moment in time may be our subconscious playing tricks on us. The subconscious is a cocky thing, but it also knows how to accept humility once it has been proven wrong, in some cases at least. In the mind of those with the most sanity at least. 

My father was the one to save these memories. I didn't go and do it myself, however it was better that way. I would have fell prey to his eyes and lies once again.

I looked at the things around me and could not find any appreciation for these material items, other than my journal. These memories felt useless. I felt as though I should not be indulging in such a shameful mistake. I grabbed my journal, the only thing I did with a sense of gratitude. I rubbed my hands on the leather bound body and closed my eyes. The moment I opened the first page, I saw a folded up note, like the ones I used to pass around in Middle School. It had my nickname written sloppily on the front. I would have recognized the calligraphy anywhere. 

As I scrambled to open it up, my mind was racing of thoughts of the first love letter he may have written me. All hope rushed back into my heart. Of course, only to be let down by what seemed to look like a blank sheet of paper. 

What the hell? I remember thinking to myself. I turned the page over and saw small writing in the center of the page. I pulled it close to truly be able to see. 

"You'll be back"

Written by : Mayra Libertad Fernandez-Martinez

[mlibertad98]

Untitled

As I sit here

Thinking about all of the things my eyes have seen Remembering every time I left a scene of my broken heart With the smudges of mascara On the pillow I yelled And screamed into  For so many nights

As I sit here Reminiscing on dreams I let go of I realize my gratitude  To the immortal institution  Of time The lesson of patience That it inevitably etches into an emotionally immature soul Itching for answers But not understanding that most answers Are wrong

Our eyes are constant creators  Of unique delusions Our subconscious The prison of the unimaginable  But what I have learned Is that delusions have their expatriation date And always crumble When faced with time

Written by : Mayra Libertad Fernandez-Martinez

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In-N-Out Photos by : Mayra Libertad Fernandez-Martinez

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I can't remember which ear Your birth mark hid behind I don't remember the last time I looked in the sky I used to read the Morris code of the flickering stars The universe revealing its secrets But I can't remember which stars were the ones leading my way What was the first thing you said to me? What did you say to me on the ledge Of the window Facing the ground where history has walked, Where you would subtlety look for my bouncing hair every morning Before we met each other's solitarily confined emotions Who started the end? I can't seem to remember much Of the exact tone of depth Your voice rumbled with The same sound I swore I would never forget As I dreamt about it being in my ear every night But now I can't even remember What your skin felt like I promised myself I would never forget As my fingers caressed every inch of your chest But here I am I don't remember the last time I looked at the stars Tried hearing them out again I've lost trust in their word Because I thought me, and my unforgettable baggage Would never get lost Looking up with you every night But now I can't remember Who I am Where was I going? I thought I would never forget the unforgettable I never thought the lost dust of time Would make me forget Who I am Where I was going And which ear your birthmark hid behind.

By : Mayra Libertad Fernandez-Martinez

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Mountain View, CA Ft. Google Campus Photos by : Mayra Libertad Fernandez-Martinez

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Saratoga, CA Photos by : Mayra Libertad Fernandez-Martinez