mmargots

[mmargots]

alguien tendra mejor suerte que yo

ahora que ya no estoy

y tu ya no estas,

amamos a personas diferentes

y somos felices con alguien mas,

reitero:

te recordare feliz

y te recordare contento

por respeto a lo que fuimos.

Y aunque quiera odiarte, y quiera pensarte mala persona,

di todo lo de mi,

y si poder tenerte significaba no correr por mi cuento,

creo que jamas hubiera funcionado.

y espero que tengas amor

porque te vez radiante

y junto a ella se ven bien.

amamos a personas diferentes

y somos personas diferentes.

tu ya no me piensas, y yo a ti tampoco

pero hoy, me acorde de ti,

estuve leyendo mis pensamientos de meses atras y pense:

que dicha haber tenido algo bonito

que dicha haber sido feliz

que dicha haber corrido

y estoy por mi cuenta.

[mmargots]

©Philomena Famulok

.

[mmargots]

dejame irme dejame avanzar

miro hacia delante

miro hacia detras

y no me dejo avanzar

me detienen las incertidumbres

no me dejan arrancar

el sentimiendo que tengo

corriendome del pecho a los dedos

la cabeza no deja de pensar

en los pedazon que estoy dejando pasar

entre mis memorias y tus recuerdos

donde no pintas casi nada

pero el miedo me tiene atras

y ahora brilla el sol en mi cara

y uso mis manos para tapar

y darme sombra porque los destellos

hacen mis ojos apretar

y no me dejan ver

todo lo bonito que hay por tomar

[mmargots]

Ive felt compelled to share your picture in the midst of my art,

though I don't want to give you a speckle of importance, my eyes cannot deceive me ,

what is essentially a beutiful picture, where you can't recognize yourself anymore,beautiful

I can recognize what once was and who you once were.

and keeping it behind closed door, under a file and hidden away seemed wrong.

[mmargots]

You seem so happy these days,

even when people tell me you dont radiate what you used to,

and your friends seem to stir clear from you.

[mmargots]

Douta Sidibe by Gabriel Moses for Replica Man Magazine SS 22

[mmargots]

Simon Schubert- Folding a single sheet of paper

[mmargots]

Christian Dior Resort 2023

[mmargots]

Wilhelm Weimar

[mmargots]

It's been on my mind a lot these days, the feeling that I am forgetting something important. Something is whispering behind my ear most of the day when I do the most mundane things. When I'm washing my hair or brushing my teeth, when I'm cutting my leafy greens of when I'm blending my smoothie under constant noise. The construction outside of my window seems to never stop and the silence before that seems to have never existed. Everyday that passes I feel a part of me fading, thought I'm not sure if it is me or pieces of me that seem to be missing, running away, as if they don't want to be remembered, as if they are dying to disappear.

What would Eli think of all this? I wonder if he's disappointed in me as I am of him, if the thought of me forgetting will threaten his ego or if he never bothers to stop and think of that. These days I seem to keep trying to remember the day we met.

I was coming back into the city, I remember my flight was full and cold, the fake air circulating around the cabin and I didn't have a jacket in the middle of July. I'd been in a weekend bender for some days and was shivering all the flight, my head was pounding and my legs were bruised by doing god-knows-what in god-knows-where, I can't remember that. I rode to a new apartment that I had never seen, not even once, and got a room with no windows, which I remember made me depressed. "Theres a party, let's go, it's a couple of people's birthdays" and I went.

We met but we didn't really met, I met many characters that offered me everything I could want, and the party was off chart that we had to walk blocks just to find the music in a basement in the middle of the city. It was hot. I was sweating in my mini dress. We met but we didn't really meet. Our eyes were somewhere else, and I can't remember the words we spoke to each other, I don't think we ever got introduced.

I did however enjoy my welcome back into the city, the night life that awaited me for the next two years and the stories that I was going to be a part of, the mistakes and the dangers of them.

The next time we met, I remember it a little more clearly, though not that much. Another night of wandering eyes, they looked like big ink blots in my face. I always got anxiety but I still did it anyways, because that time in my life was not so happy and I was not exactly happy either. We were in the middle of the mountains, listening to who-knows-what dj playing god-knows-what music to a bunch of dancing zombies , swaying left to right and bumping their arms up and down, in front of the booth on top of the dirt. Some dust covered floor pad, might have been a broken hammock swing, was laying on the floor and we all sat on top of it. You sat on a far corner as if I would've bitten you if you got too close so I had to invite you to scoot. You did and we never exchanged more than 5 words. I drove my car that night and my friends slept in the back, you rode in the car behind me and some girls were laying out the window. I was jelous of a car with conversation while I was stuck in a car of silence.

I still didn't even have the faintest idea of who you were.

Not far along in the timeline, we met once more and it was as if we were meeting for the first time in the most unfortunate circumstance. I haven't the faintest idea who it was, but somebody invited me to hang out, meet up at your apartment. I knew not a single thing of you but I got there early like an idiot and you opened the door fresh out of the shower. I blushed and sat down to wait in your living room. I didn't know what to talk about once all these people arrived and we all left to a small concert near your home. We spoke of fashion and we spoke of music, we commented on the band and commented on the neighborhood. We bough drinks to go and we went to my ex boyfriend's birthday party, which I was not invited to but went anyways. I wanted to cause some sort of commotion and got just that when guys flocked to me as a shiny new toy, the girl who just got back, the girl who just dyed her hair silver and wore black tall platforms. I didn't really stand out in that crowd but I did that night. My ex boyfriend wanted me to stay over, his sister trashed talked me and I left before pouncing on her. I heard somebody had a threesome and I heard you got kissed out of force. You were asexual at that time and I respected that but not believed it entirely.

It's strange to think of all these past memories with a lack of fondness now, for I once did treasure these strange and particular instances we shared but not really . The beginning of this are not always exciting or charming, in fact, I believe we were trashy and plain sad. I was excited to meet you at some point, friends would say you and I would get along and I believed it. I always liked to make friends so I took it upon myself to approach you if we were in the same room and you looked as if you were far off somewhere in your mind.

The beginning of it all now feels like a burden, I do not know why, yet it feels as if it weights on my chest. I feel my youth of that time, though not long ago, as familiar yet alien to myself now.

I will speak of the progression of us some other time, but for now, I will take a moment to bask in what used to be mine and what now feels foreign.

[mmargots]

I keep repeating the day,

you said I was the best thing that ever happened in your life,

It plays constantly in my head, this string of words,

your broken voice but your lack of tears,

and I stared stunned in silence, not knowing what to say.

I think of the boy that almost told my father he wanted to marry me,

or how you wanted to live with me in the summer.

Of all the plans we planned together,

all the sights we'll never get to see.

I get this uncontrollable rage in my chest,

Some days I want to bury you deep, maybe even drown you.

Then other days I feel so sad that I can't even feel anything,

And I have to keep telling myself is really is for the best.

[mmargots]

Im holding out until something happens,

Im holding out until the rosary you gave me breaks.

When I can loose the earrings you bought me,

or when my perfume runs out.

Or maybe im holding out until your headphones wont work,

or the bath sponge needs to be replaced.

Im holding out at all the things that you gave me

or I gave myself because of you.

Only until then will I hold on.

Only until it disappears can I let go of you,

and the traces of your memories.

Until then,

I grasp on to these strings that connected me to you,

waiting for god knows what.

[mmargots]

©yama-bato

[mmargots]

Ive been missing people whom ive never met

The idea that there are friends and lovers out there out of my reach

causes a stir in my chest.

And all these lives that I might never get to live

all these choices seem to grown into a feeling I might soon forget

into who i couldve been.

The city I came from is long gone from my sight,

the streets and the shops I never quite grew to love are dusted

and I wake up thinking that I might,

I just might,

be ok with all the choices I made.

[mmargots]

To go back to the night I kissed you

would be tourture to my current self

to see your eyes glisten the way they did

would kill me the instant I looked at them today.

[mmargots]

You've tainted the purenes of this love

The impact of the memories i've held on to

My hands are bleeding from the grip

and the weight has broken my wrists

ive been shattered to pieces i cannot put back together

all this while you remain unnoticed

of the sorrow you've caused me

and the color you've colored me in.

I have no more tears to cry for you

the pureness of this love has been tainted

and now I know

that it is my time to let go

[mmargots]

Se me rompió el corazon

se a quedado sin correr

Las piernas le cansan, su pecho se alza y no piensa tan bien.

Parece ser que las flores ya no crecen,

el jardin a quedao seco ,

no hay rio que llene este vacio.

Y mi cora, mi pobre corazon,

Que palpitaba por ti,

mi sangre corria en las venas de mi piel,

me han desgarrado el alma ,

que me envien un jacinto pa que me lo arranque tambien.

Que tanto me duele,

espero te duela a ti tambien.

Que pierdas el sueño y pienses en esta mujer , que le duele tanto, le duele mucho, me duele mucho, me duele tanto..