modernsourlettuce

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“Lilo and Stitch” 2002

Deleted Scene

Lilo plays a trick on the tourists.

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Bothering the beast

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mmm gotta love feeling shitty out of nowhere for no fucking reason

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Don’t let the intrusive thoughts win

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4:30am gay panic??

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why do i have to tiptoe around my friends whatthefuck

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I feel so lightheaded what the fuck??

It's not even funny like it feels as if I had butterflies in my brain

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Not my head telling me to cut contact with everyone and start anew. Shut the fuck up it's 11PM

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THIS IS A LOAD OF BULLSHIT!!! MY FRIENDS LOVE ME AND I LOVE THEM BACK AND I CAN ALWAYS SAY SORRY IF I HURT ANYONE AND WORK TO SOLVE WHATEVER CONFLICT I HAVE RAISED!!! I AM NOT A MONSTER

I AM NOT A MONSTER

I AM NOT A MONSTER

I was originally gonna vent to my diary but my wrist got tired so I'm writing another vent post.

I am scared of the effect that I have in other people's lives.

I'm a bit of a trainwreck lately and hurting other people is way too fucking easy for me right now. Hell imagine finding out someone you care about has drugged themselves because of an effect you had on them. Worrying that they may hurt or even kill themselves because of nobody other than yourself.

My brain's not taking that nicely. It's being mean but sort of reasonable at the same time. If I hurt other people to the point of genuinely possibly having ruined their life, or creating the possibility of them taking their life, then that means that I am not a good person and that just as I hurt them, I can hurt other people. People that I care about, whose lives I have entered.

I have already upset a couple of people and ignored a couple others. I wouldn't like being ignored nor made upset by someone I refer to as a friend, would I? Then again I don't have the energy to deal with them at all — but ignoring my friends can also be a cause of harm.

So, according to my brain, there is no better way to avoid harming the people I care about than not having people I care about. I can't worry my loved ones if I don't have any loved ones to begin with.

So it wants me to get away from them, to leave their lives. Yes, it'll hurt at first maybe but they should forget about me, surely? And I agree but I don't agree. Cause no I do not want to harm them. But at the same time LEAVING them can be a huge way to cause harm— FUCK I thought a person may fucking die.

So I keep making choices and I keep regretting them. Breaking friendships and holding grudges but then sparing said grudges and then being like "GOD DAMNIT YOU FUCKING NITWIT WHY'D YOU BRING THIS PERSON BACK INTO YOUR LIFE", wishing I wasn't friends with my friends, setting boundaries and then destroying them to then build them up again, changing the level of formality I've got with some people and then being like SHIT WHY DID I DO THAT and it's like that all the time.

I can't make choices involving other people without regretting them right after. I try to fly away but then stop right before batting my wings again. Add in a couple anxiety attacks and breakdowns in between.

My brain was already being mean to me before this, talking about the future, a out how fucking meaningless it is to live in the society we live in and how I'm set to follow a path that's only got suffering in store for me.

I've missed school thrice this week. Or four times? I can't quite tell.

I don't want to have an effect on other people's lives and neither do I want to face my future as a member of society. I shouldn't be allowed to interact with people in my current state or else I'll just confuse myself and bring them harm. I already feel like a pitiful enough excuse of a person and I don't need to add more coal into the fire when it could already be labeled as an arson.

I genuinely want to be locked away until I can make my own choices without regretting them in a matter of mere seconds. I shouldn't be able to interact with the world until I'm a person again. I'm scared I'll hurt more people. At the same time, the idea of dying alone isn't exactly appealing, but it's better than having someone else possibly crush their neck or slice their skin because of something you said or did.

My brain and I want to cut everybody off from my life— or, better said, cut myself off of everybody's life, and at the same time I there are friendships I appreciate too much to let go. But my brain's like “No, trust me, it'll be better if you leave their lives. Both parties will get happier, give it time. You'll be happy if you're alone” or something like that. It's weird. It doesn't help that Anxiety's chosen to be a bitch again and I low-key think I might be falling back into depression??? It's just a thought though, I haven't been tested nor anything, but I had it some time ago and my current situation is pretty familiar. So it could be. I'll mention all of this to my therapist on my next visit.

I kind of want to sleep but I also don't feel like I should. See there it is again. I wanna sleep but my brain is like “No, girlie, you don't really deserve to sleep. PLUS IT'S SO FUN TO SPEND A DAY AWAKE AFTER A SLEEPLESS NIGHT!! You get bloodshot eyes and weird thoughts and you may start trembling now and then and your feelings are like way more intense, but isn't that better than feeling lifeless? Plus, you'll get two pretty rings under your eyes, who doesn't like eye bags?” and I'm like “But I have to sleep” and my brain is like “Yeah but do you deserve to?” and it's. Eh. It's a lil tiring.

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I should be locked up

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I am so fucking scared.

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I did it I lost a friendship dear to me

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LOL shut the fuck up brain ive been clean from sh for nearly a year I'm not gonna do anything fuck you<3 please drown in brain juices or something like that

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or do I...?

i should do something illegal now that i can......................lets kidnap a star

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Dw though I don't have the guts

i should do something illegal now that i can......................lets kidnap a star