moeiswho

[moeiswho]

Chutes and Ladders

The emotional rollercoaster of turmoil is exhausting. My heart craves to be held, talked to, comforted, admired, noticed, and most importantly, loved. When I draw attention to those things because I am encouraged to communicate the deepest needs of my heart, they are reversed. My emotions are rotated like a double board in a board game. However I am twisted into being a pawn in a totally…

[moeiswho]

Spiritual Endurance Training

Welcome to spiritual endurance training. Where crying is a sign of strength, outbursts are a sign of growth, imperfections are a sign of love, brain fog and fatigue are a sign to hydrate, and I am sure there are at least two more to come. No one likes to train. Especially not me. Even the thought of running makes me want to hyperventilate and take 10 deep breaths in and out of a Hardees…

[moeiswho]

Your a horrible wife, I know.

Your a horrible wife, I know.

I haven’t been a good wife. I have my fair share of flaws that I am not proud of. When I was younger I always or as a teen I always wanted to be the good guy. I never wanted anyone to think that I did wrong in anyone’s eyes. I have gone through a period that I wanted to play the victim. I told my family only the things that I wanted them to know about mine and my boyfriend/husband situation. I…

[moeiswho]

Done

My heart hurts. I just want to run far away and sit by myself and regather my thoughts for a little while.

[moeiswho]

The Outcry

There are some days that I do not know how much more I can take. There are days that I feel like I could wake up and be connected to a machine that should be breathing for me because I don’t have the energy to draw another breath. There are days that the dam can no longer hold my tears in place and they run like they have been ready to break for eternity. My heart is still there but my empty…

[moeiswho]

Disruptions

There has been a disruption in my soul. I feel like I might have said this before, but there is something that has shaken my soul like never before. I cannot rest. I feel like I am starving and cannot get enough prayer time in, worship, reading, studying, there is just not enough time in the day. I cannot get this urge out of my heart to stop everything I am doing and just sing his praises. I am…

[moeiswho]

Your bleeding through that bandage baby

Your bleeding through that bandage baby

How are you all today? I sit in my nursery/office and find myself just wanting to type whatever comes out. I want to sit and just allow my fingers to type keys and whatever my mind has to say it can just flood out onto the screen. How are you? Really. Tell me. Don’t lie to me like when you go to the grocery store and the cashier asks how are you today? Then you lie and tell them oh I am fine and…

[moeiswho]

Conversation of flesh

Some times I find myself searching for something. Anything, I drive my family crazy, especially my sister by calling her so much. I call her almost I know 4 times a day, to tell her literally nothing. My husband gets frustrated with me, “WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY BE TALKING ABOUT NOW?!” Says the one who thrives on silence and not uttering two words in a four hour period. He doesn’t understand the…

[moeiswho]

I am just tired ok.

I am just tired ok. #christianwriting #mommapost #christianblogger #tired

Some days I find myself more frustrated than others. I took a new job in November adjusting to the new life, two babies, and being at home during the week and working the weekends has been quite the adjustment. Not to mention I decided to be crazy and go back to school at 27. It was not something that I had thought that I would ever be able to accomplish but here we are trying to piece it…

[moeiswho]

Breathing alone is hard

Breathing alone is hard

I have silenced myself. I only follow or talk to no more than three people in my life at this point. I am in a place again where I feel like I am invisible. I can run to a place and scream as loud as I possibly can and no one is hearing it. I have found comfort again locking myself in a bathroom and trying to piece things together one thing at a time. I try my hardest to tune into Jesus. I try my…

[moeiswho]

Ugly Truth - Reality Check

Ugly Truth – Reality Check

I posted something a few days ago about how I was hurt, my heart was broken, and how it was hard for me to pick up the pieces.

It was today that I had my slap in the face. Thank you to Jesus. Have you ever realized that MAYBE YOU might need a reality check? I haven’t written about ugly truths for a long while, but here is one that is over due. Since the Pandemic is going around, I am an essential…

[moeiswho]

When Your Soul Wants to be Lukewarm

I ran myself a bath. Sitting on the prayer bench in my bathroom as the water ran, my tears fell as fast as the water was coming out of the faucet. It was one of those good ugly cries. The one you want to hide your face because your expressions your making would scare anyone in a 5 mile radius. I didn’t even try to pick my heart up off the floor. The pieces laying at my feet, I lost all energy to…

[moeiswho]

Hug Your Chaos

Good afternoon God. I want to thank you for waking me up this morning. Thank you for the breath in my lungs. Thank you for another day to worship you, to thank you for going before me, and painting the sky for this perfect morning. What a beautiful sunrise it was. God as each day continues to pass, god continue to pull people in. I am seeing videos of people praying over hospitals, in parking…

[moeiswho]

Peace in Pandemic

pan·dem·ic adjective

(of a disease) prevalent over a whole country or the world.

What a terrifying word. I would like to blog through this time. The world is at a loss. We are terrified to go to the grocery store, we are scared to pump our gas, we are scared to take our children to the park. I work in healthcare. I am not a nurse, I am not a provider, but I do work…

[moeiswho]

Snickerdoodle

I’m scared. I’m not going to lie. Just like with your brother when I received this positive test my heart stopped. It’s not that I wasn’t excited because I am. I sit back and I ask god why. And how he views me as qualified enough to be blessed with the two of you. Your brother is still grasping the concept that you are you and your coming to be with us forever. Of course he’s still little he will…

[moeiswho]

Gasp

I used to love this song. Way back when I would scream the words at the top of my lungs with the windows down in my car. Those late night drives with the warm air coming through the window. It’s almost like you could taste freedom chasing the blanket of stars. I would drive for miles and it wouldn’t matter where. But this one road I stopped hoping that you would be there. The house is now vacant…

[moeiswho]

A soul without a home

They have her body there.

Her neck cradled.

Her feet cradled.

Holding her body above the table.

They say it’s protocol before they lay her permanently in her safe case.

Her long red hair almost touching the table.

She worked so hard to grow it out.

Now her lifeless shell of a body will never know how long she can grow her hair.

Her now porcelain skin has turned hard and cold as her eyes will…