moodyfools

[moodyfools]

I’m glad ive written here even if not much. The progression of life never stops. Shit can feel so heavy but not once can you take a break, time still keeps going. Now you can slow down, take a deep breath, look around, but never a real stop. Maybe, if you’re lucky, and grateful, you accept your blessings, your power, your failures and your shortcomings, maybe you’ll get a few moments. Just a few sound moments of peace, as long as you’re ready to receive them. Because you don’t get a break, life will not wait for you, and maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Maybe that’s where all the wonder lies.

[moodyfools]

3 months ago feels like a life time

[moodyfools]

The past month or so has felt like a fever dream. Ive cried for what felt like three days straight, processing the terrible things that have been happening since I moved back to this god for shaken shit hole of a city. I mean it’s been a ridiculous i cant catch a break with work nm, I’m sad and lonely so often. Recently I got shit faced drunk in a public restaurant, it was mortifying, the owner go me an uber home. A few nights later one of my friends took me to an event in the resorts world in which I am BANNED, They must’ve used facial recognition because security came up to me in the 8 bar and asked me to leave, escorted me out. FOR TRESPASSING GODDAMIT. Next morning had a Pilates class with women whom I judged, now I am not particularly proud of this fact, but I did in fact judge them. Depressed for like four days after that. Been crying all day n all night. Finally finished Sex and the City so I literally have nothing else to live for. Then manic for 5 hours, starts a plan to exercise, laughs and giggles, morning coffee, hits on a boy, smokes some weed and goes right back into being a depressed street cat, with crinkled whiskers and a fucking limp. Im casually not sure if im the worst person on the face of the planet.

I feel so much GUILT.

[moodyfools]

How do you say “I want to fucking kill myself” to people without it sounding too alarming?

[moodyfools]

I was the one that left. So why the hell am I so fucking hurt. I feel like a quitter, like it’s my failure. If only I had loved harder, asked for less, been better, more understanding, if only I had stayed.

That’s not reality is it? Reality is………..if only he hadn’t gotten too comfortable, if only he hadn’t cheated……twice, if only he had let me love him, been better, more understanding, empathetic, if only he wanted our baby.

If only he had loved me the way I had loved him.

[moodyfools]

Why is it hard for men to take a woman seriously, why must they feel so entitled to time, attention, and resources. Now I don’t believe in throwing people away, but what do you do with a man adamant on wasting your time?

[moodyfools]

First Love 09/18/22

I did it.

I left.

Some of my stuff is still at his house and that stays on my mind, having to see him again.

I cant say for sure how I’ll feel, good, bad, indifferent.

I just hope it can be on good terms.

Because right now, I’m really fucking proud of myself.

The fact that I had the balls to say I was unhappy, I removed myself from that toxic ass relationship and it was toxic.

(Its wasn’t all bad but still)

I’m happier than Ive felt in a long time, he. Messaged me once he got back from Cali.

Talking about missing me and sleeping alone in our room for the first night without me and Moody.

It was sweet but too little too late.

If he really wanted me to stay he would’ve worked harder to keep me.

I love him I do but in this case imma need something more.

It looks like imma be the one to go get it for myself.

(J)

[moodyfools]

Feeling pretty lonely lately. I didn’t think id miss him so much. Ive left my fair share of people and haven’t necessarily missed them like this. Maybe it’s a good thing. It’s an opportunity to get to know myself a little better, ask myself some hard questions. Do I miss being around them, like who they are as a person? Do I miss just having a person for intimacy close by? I think maybe that’s the one. I cant lose sight of what this was for, who it was for. I need to be better not for him, not for the next guy, and not for my future but for me right now in this moment. I want to be better for me, I want to be happy for me. I want to set goals and to achieve them, I want to build my life back up. It’s true this whole situation really set me back , I mean not only financially, but emotionally, mentally. My self esteem is depleted I feel so low about myself, but I deserve better, I want better, I can do better.

[moodyfools]

[moodyfools]

Depression is;

I do not feel the sensations of hunger for days at a time.

I regularly break down. There are moments of everyday where my mind eats me alive, heavy breathing, dizziness, fatigue, thoughts racing for what feels like mere seconds and I’ve been in the same spot for an extended amount of time and vice versa.

Self seclude, wander, seek out places to be alone no matter the occasion, I feel like I might start crying if I don’t.

My emotions are extremes, sometimes a really good day leads me to two bad ones, the scales are off. Energy costs a lot.

I form addictions, dependencies, sex is my go to. Attention from unfitting places.

Recklessness.

[moodyfools]

Today is a sad song kind of day. Historically I have more of these days than not.

[moodyfools]

Passing Thoughts:

Everything seems to boil down to this unshakable feeling of unworthiness. This ominous ever growing cloud of inevitability looming, testing, waiting, judging. Is this the storm, or the calm. Is it a concern that I can no longer tell the difference. I have many questions where these notions are concerned, is this storm inside of me or a separate entity im meant to adapt to. Regardless of such do I have more power and influence over this cloud than I like to think.

Sad is all I have.

[moodyfools]

Sometimes your first emotions towards something are not always the most honest. Sometimes we have to react with love instead of fear. Fear of judgment, fear of unworthiness, fear of the unknown, the uncontrollable. Love of life, love of self, love of others that’s the only thing that will get each of us out alive and with some dignity.

[moodyfools]

An ex called me last night, i guess i set myself up for that one. I kinda called him first two nights ago. We had sex for the first time in over a year this man literally fucked me up and here my dumbass is having sex with him. It’s different now there’s no doubt about that. It’s been what feels like a lifetime since i left him in the middle of an alley after drunk screaming at him for lying to my face. I guess I should know better i mean i left my last guy for a similar reason right? Don’t get me wrong im not as delusional as to think that this time will work or that he loves me. I guess just after my recent break up and moving back home from across the country i needed something. Somehow this particular ex filled that something, i mean he’s going through a break up himself and now we’re exactly back to how we started, using each other for a very SEXUAL ego boost. I guess it helps that it’s really good sex.

[moodyfools]

First Love 08/17/2022

I wanna leave.

I don’t wanna be here anymore.

I want to break up.

Being alone was so much better, I was happier.

I don’t have to put up with most the things I do.

Why do I do that, why do I take on everyone’s hardships, hoping they’d have my back too.

I’m a “ride or die” apparently without trying but there’s no one worth this kind of loyalty.

I’m growing weary of J***, his friends and their antics.

Everyday I can feel myself drifting further and further.

He doesn’t even realize when he’s pushing me away and why would he.

I stay silent about it, maybe too scared to give him the chance to change my mind.

I fall in love too easily.

I’m ready to move on, almost.

If I were actually fully ready this would be a letter about how I left and not how I yearn to.

(J)

[moodyfools]

People do fall in love. People do belong to each other, because that’s the only chance anybodies got for real happiness.

[moodyfools]

Hello, this is my first “entry” if you will. Ive tried writing this all down like in an actual journal but I’m inconsistent.

So here I am creating a space for just me and my thoughts if some people happen to stumble upon it and relate, awesome, but this is for me.

Everything is for me from here on out. I live for me.

Real sex and the city vibes.