motchacream-blog

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Commitment

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=720592184694199&set=a.166281200125303.44210.100002302715469&type=1&theater "Commitment" ito ang unang salitang naalala ko, after kong mabasa yung nasa picture. Naalala ko si mama, yes, "Kung hindi kami committed sa isa't-isa (stepdad) baka matagal na kaming hiwalay". This what I remember from what she told me the time na nagkaroon sila ng marital problem. Sobrang naimpress ako ni mama that time, I never thought na ganon sya kalalim. I mean, she abandoned her past partner (na akala until life-time na) sa Pilipinas, without informing the guy or maybe ako lang ang hindi informed na nagusap na sila about sa magiging set-up niya dito. My mom has been a committed daughter, ganun yung tingin ko sa kaniya. But when it comes to intimate relationship, hindi ko kinaya na hindi lang sya puro love at mind- she used the word commitment. Then I realized, pagako nagkaroon ng romatic relationship with someone, I will ensure myself na gagawin ko ang lahat if ever na magkaroon kami ng cold treatment sa isa't-isa ng future partner ko. Kung makaramdam man ako ng konting discouragement from our relationship, I will hold unto the word COMMITMENT. I will do my best to fall inlove in the same man all over again. Pero gusto ko that man will also do his best to strengthen the commitment with me. Gusto ganun kapowerful ang lovestory ko, kahit na nagmamadali nakong magkaboyfriend. I admit, feeling ko napagiwanan na ko lahat ng creatures. <3

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...

Hindi ko na alam. Hiyang-hiya na ko. Hahaha. Few days ago, nagstatus ako sa Facebook about my coworker's crush, tapos naungkat na naman last week at hanggang ngayon trending pa rin. I HAD a crush on the same guy, pero noon yon. Pag kasi ako nagkacrush may tendency na madissolve yung attraction kapag nakaclose ko na siya. And it really happened, well not totally, kasi kinikilig pa rin ako kapag magkausap kami. Hahaha. Pero ewan, nagpapasalamat akong wala kaming same sched this week and ang sunod pa naming kita next Friday. Pero kasi inakusahan na ako ng mga katrabaho ko na Mayroon akong crush sa kaniya, yesterday when he came at work. At sobrang naging OA ata ng magdedeny ko ng sinabihan akong may hot thing ako kay boylet. And yun nga, I've been denying na may crush din ako sa kaniya, kasi naman wala akong planong aminin in the first place. Hahaha. For sure, nasesense niyang awkward na ko sa kaniya tapos magfefeeling GGSS na naman yun. Hindi na ko pwedeng makipagharutan sa kaniya kasi iniisip niya na sa mga oras na ito crush ko siya. Isa pang kinaiinis ko yung nagseselos ako deep in side. Hahaha! Nyemas, nababadtrip talaga ako kasi hindi ko alam ang totoo. Ano ba may dinadate ba sya? May girlfriend na ba sya? Puro chismis lang yung naririnig kong dinadate niya si ganito.... Sila na ni ganiyan... Pero nababadtrip pa rin ako kaya ayoko syang pansinin. Feeling ko I'm the most nonsense person. Hahaha! Natatakot ako sa Friday. Gusto na ayaw ko siyang makita. Alam niyo yun. Hahaha. Peste. Baka magresign na rin naman ako. Eto pa pala, napagtripan kasi namin ni ate M na sasabihin niya kay boylet na crush ko siya at sasamahan ko siya pagginawa niya yun basta libre niya ko. Pero... Parang I surrender nalang. Hahaha. Hindi ko ata kaya, kasi pumupula ang pisngi ko kapag nagsasabi ako ng totoo or kahit nagdedeny ako. Hahaha. Hindi ko alam. Para sa Java Frap at cheesecake, gagawin ko ba? Hahaha.

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Remember last Monday were I'm totally wrecked. HAHAHA. So I came to work earlier (which is a good idea). I am not even in the mood to be cheerful as what I used to, cause I'm totally lost track that time. Then I start working as my normal routine-smile to customers. But one thing that really encourage me that day is one of our regular customers in drive-thru. That was not the first time where someone appreciate my smile but what he said made me in to jovial emotion "Everytime I come here and I see your cheerful smile it affects me." blessed that old man who appreciate my existence.

Honestly, maybe smiling is my mechanism- it is much hard for me to frown or look lonely. Maybe that's the craziest thing but unique personality I have. 

Feeling ko nabuo nung matanda yung araw ko, alam niyo yung feeling na gumaan ng bongga yung utak ko at mas nageffort akong magtrabaho that day. Kahit may mga ilang sumira ng araw ko after that, it didn't change the fact na gumaan yung loob ko.

Realized myself that someone out there really appreciate simple actions. 

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...

Want to know, what pissed me off most of the time? Those people who will ask me to be myself and in the end of the day will leave because I am too imperfect. Just WOW. 

Alam niyo yung moment na feel na feel mo ang disappointment nila sayo? Medyo masakit kuya eddie. Ayoko ng ganito, yung ipamumukha ata sa akin kung gaano kadisappointed ang mundo. Yes, I made tons of mistakes- but do I really deserve this kind of treatment?

Outcast na outcast lang ang dating.

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worstday...

Alam niyo yung feeling na pagod na kayo? Yung nakakapagod maging alipin ng sarili mong buhay. Yes, I do enjoy most of the time, ganun kasi ako eh-yung parang laging YOLO pagmay pera or masaya. I wouldn't mind if I will not have anything the following day basta maging masaya ako sa araw na yon. Ayoko na nga ganun, I want to change my habits pero paano ko uumpisahan. Feeling ko nga minsan I am lying in bed of disappointments-parang gumawa ka ng tama or mali will not make any difference. Kaya I would choose kung saan ako sasaya and dun ako sa bad habits. I know it sucks, I want to stop it. I wanna be free from this pathetic life. Gusto kong umunlad, I am trying my best to apply what I've learned from my Philosophy class. "Pity to other won't be helpful to anyone's success." Ginagawa ko yun  I am now ignoring those beggars in the street ayokong maging katulad nila-pero where the heck is the improvement. I'm really sucks. 

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Everytime...

Every time I compare my accomplishments to others, I realized I am really NOTHING. 

Imagine what my mom accomplished on her past years- she got to go in a college school in nursing program (One of the tough programs before). She is capable in achieving what she wants at work.

My half-sister excelled on all parts of her life. She achieved almost all of the aspects-physical, spiritual, intellectual.

Wow and here I am did not achieve anything. doesn't look like have plans in life.

I really want to share to my friend what I am going through since I went here, but I am afraid.. afraid that even myself cannot admit that I am certified outcast and worthless in this place.

I am not even sure if I really want to go to college. I am not sure if I am happy about it. This life sucks.

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Cramming State

I am seriously indeed truly in my cramming state. Believe it or not I am in a rush of deadlines from school but here I am chose to stay and tell stories in my tumblr. Am I being unfair because I want to passed my classes but I am not dedicating my full attention and time to it? I feel discouraged right now for some reasons that is really hard to explain. I hope I wouldn't repeat my classes after this semester. 

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Hi.

Hi, I just missed posting here and telling several stories. No matter uninteresting my stories, I know to myself that I am loving it since I am not sharing them neither to my sister nor my mom. So yeah! I'll share a lot fun stories later when I got home from busy school and tiring work. I wish I still have time for that. HAHAHA. 

But guess what, nothing really. NOTHING, HAHAHA. I just really missed posting my life-story in here, my sanctuary and my haven. :)

Dear Tumblr, you missed a lot of fun and KV. I wish I can tell it to you one-by-one. 

Off to my PHIL135 class. Bye. 

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Bittersweet @ 4

I received an e-mail from tumblr as a greetings from my another tumblr "bittersweet" it is existing from 4 years now. Existing but never had a chance to open and browse because I forgot the password already. However, I am still glad coz I have another account where I can shout (through capslock) all my feelings without shame and filter. But the name BITTERSWEET (which is based on the idea of my highschool friend)will forever exist on my imagination and soul. Bittersweet will still my trademark (personally).

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Bad day

I had a bad day yesterday (09/21). First, I woke up as early as possible to avoid crowd in the station. I brought my laptop with me and I just put it in my backpack- so I really need to find a safe seat for my bag. It turned good but not so well. Second, I was taking my online class through may laptop but suddenly it already looking for a charger. I am regretting why I didn't charge it the night before. Everything went so peaceful during my class hours. I got to catch the bus' time. But when I am on my way-the bus driver seems he did not heard the prompt and I need to walk from the next station to my main stop. It's pretty annoying walking like a fool in the midde of the street and heat. Another part of my bad day was when I am rushing to change my clothes in McDonald's restrooms. And because I was on a hurry, I decided to wash my hands inside the crew area instead in the restrooms(I did not pee or poo anyways. -___-) But this lady complaint about me with not washing my hands and this idiotic manager of mine act like she's so amazing and awesome- talks who always poop in that restroom-__- It feels like all the annoying, terrible and whatever thing were happened that day. I messed up on one my orders, actually two. They told me to clean the drainage of sodas which really disgust me and I can't stand leaving it without cleaning fully(A bit OC. YES). But you know what, there always be a good side of the day. And that's what I've found out. At hanggang ngayon kinikilig pa rin ako sa hindi malamang kadahilanan. Hahaha! Pero ayoko kasi. Ayokong mas kiligin pa. Ayokong mas maging close sa kaniya. Kasi ayokong madisappoint ako. Ayoko nang makipaglandian pa, at baka hindi ko makaya-hindi lang kilig ang abutin nito. Okay na ko sa paunti-unting kilig. Ngayon pa nga lang hindi na makaya ng mga internal organs ko eh, paano pag nakilala ko sya ng husto and hindi lang sa mga friends namin. Paano pag less negative and more positive pala sya. Pero ayoko talaga. Hahaha. Natatakot ako baka pagpinasok ko pa ito ng sobra sarili ko lang mahihirapan. Ayoko ng nagsimula sa landian. Pero ewan ko, I am so confuse right now. Nagassume na ko before, baka ganto rin siya.

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18th.

A lot of things happened last 14th- disappointed things had occur. I am so upset to my manager that day, she did not even bother to use her brain cells that day and she even nagged at me. AT MY BIRTHDAY. I was working from 3-9 so I did not get any chance to attend the "surprise party" that I just ruined because I was not present. 

Maybe the best thing that happened on that day was the Reno Air Races, that was the awesome part of my special day and the rest were just annoyance and loneliness. I am still in the moment that keep wishing that it was not my birthday yet, I did not even get to celebrate with my family on the same day because of that freakin' work. :\

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Few more hours...

They say that be with someone that could make you happy. I believe in this, I don't want to be with somebody who I know that they want me to be there. I just want to spare myself from annoyance and feeling that all the people will tell me that I shouldn't be there.

Kung noon, I never feel that I'm an outcast at ngayon ko lang sya naramdaman. Sobrang insulting and masakit pala. Yung feeling na you will never be belong in this place, kasi this is not your place. 

Gusto ko lang umiwas sa awkwardness at sana maintindihan yun ng mga taong nasa palagid ko, I wish they are not totally dense to ignore the atmosphere kapag kasama ako sa wala ako. I know myself (but not totally), I have a good instinct pagdating sa mga taong ayaw at nagpapanggap lang na gusto akong makasama. And I wouldn't happy by that, I would rather choose to be with myself than with them. Hindi naman ako ganon kainsensitive eh. 

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Deactivated..

I survived the two days of my life without facebook. I cannot believe that this is happening but the fact that I am so tempted to open it right now because of my friends who I used to talk thru Facebook. But I told to myself, I should not open my account until the week of my birthday comes. I cannot explanation but I don't care if I'm the only who's excited on my birthday. I always do this, quietly and peacefully doing a countdown until the special days comes. It's exciting although I am not expecting for too much, except before that I'll always expecting for a big event. It doesn't mean parties, but there's always a surprise before. But as far as I'm concerned right now, I'm not expecting anything this coming month. Nothing so special and important. I just wish that I could enter on Nursing Program and pass it. That's the only thing I am hoping for.

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Outcast

I am a bit thankful for working during weekends and night. I could use it as a reason to avoid the people who don't want to mingle with me(Based on Woman's instinct). I feel it most of the tome when I'm with these people. I really don't like party or occasions with my family(Except from the Philippines). I just want to spare my mom from explanation on who I am during gatherings. I'm not prepared on it in the first place. I'm just trying to help. Avoid. as. you. can.

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ENRIQUE GIL @ Kris Tv March6,2013: Kiligbels sa lovelife ni Jerome Ponce. Omg. Ideal man. <3 Sweetness overload. :) :) :) :)

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Fangirl

These past few days nagiging shipper na ko ng mga loveteams noon. JulQuen and Nashlene- to be particular. Last week kasi ata yun(?) nung nagdecide akong tumambay sa YouTube and out of nowhere I decided to type and search for NashLene moments. :) sobrang naging makastalker ako that time. Hahaha! Para akong ewan to liked the videos from 4years ago na. I even started to follow Sharlene San Pedro and Nash Aguas's IGs account. Nakakakilig yung mga videos especially yung mga fanmade videos nila sobraaaaaa. Lalo na yung sa "Ayoko syang nahihirapan" line(from minute to win it.) sobrang cute nila and natural na partners, bestfriend and loveteam. Kinikilig din ako sa mga IG posts from fans. Sobrang sweet lang. <3 <3 Kaya naman dear Ma'am Charo/Mr. M or kung sino pang boss ng Abs-Cbn baka naman po pwedeng bigyan ng chance ang NashLene lovetean with Jairus Aquino. (Kinikilig din ako sa Jailene eh:))) Napakateen friendly kaya ng character ni Sharlene San Pedro especially the truth na MAS maganda sya kapag WALANG MAKE-UP. Sobrang natural ng beauty ni San Pedro at less kikay, more natural na Kilig Vibes. Sabi niya(or si Nash ata) sa uncut version ng GGV, hindi na raw sila (Nash/Shar) loveteam dahil mukha pa ring pang kids na dapat ay pangteens na. I DISAGREE! KILIG KAYA SILA MAGTITIGAN DALAWA. <3 Sobrang galing kasi ni Sharlene San Pedro one of the promising actress talaga. She could even manage kahit walang LOVETEAM, proven from her MMK. Diba nakakaadmire talaga sya. Hindi siya yung tipo na puro ganda lang at alam ko sa personal sobrang humble niyang bata(I witnessed that). :) <3 So after ng Nashlene sa Julquen naman ako nalulong. As in yeah. Sobrang KV to the max din. :) Especially yung napanuod ko sa YouTube, yung binigyan ni Quen si Julia ng bracelet. Yung mga KrisTV guestings nilang dalawa, and I must say magtitinginan palang sila kilig na. O diba bongga! *insert <3 everywhere* Alam ko namang konti lang ang sweet BTS ng Julquen pero kilig at tawa level99999999 ako sa video where Quen was seducing the whole world and Darla pero biglabg pasok si Julia. Kyaaa. Ang sweet kaya non. Hahaha. <3 I am fully aware that these loveteams are in different partners now. Nash has Alexa. Shar with Jai. Quen with Liza. Finally, Julia with Coco. These two girls are such a teenspiration. Sobrang kuripot daw ni Julia(Aminado sya) but look where she is now. Hindi man sya kagaya ni Kath na sobrang tinitilian with Daniel, pero iba kasi siya sa ibang artista ang strong ng personality niya at sobrang nakakainspire. Dahil ang sipag niya, sobrang pinanindigan niya ang pagiging breadwinner but she's not declaring it EVERY MINUTE just to catch people's attention. I'm also sure Julia Montes is such a bright and kind woman. <3 And for Sharlene, nasabi ko na po sa taas. Sobrang versatile niya at talented. <3 For two guys, grabe. Like what Julia Montes always say when they ask her if Quen is sexy. Hindi na nila(quen and Nash) kailangan magpakita ng skin to justify the sexy part. Sobrang hot at cute nila yung ngiti or kindat lang malalaglag kana sa upuan mo at haaaaaayyy ewan ko. Pero ang cute at galing nilang magpakilig na dalawa. I'm just keep wondering why Abs are trying to teamup Quen in other girls. Like duh, patok naman ang JulQuen ah? Pati rin ang Nashlene. Gusto ko nga sila nalang loveteam kesa sa ibang girls. I mean maganda kaya yung chemistry nilang dalawa at maeenjoy ng mga teens. I cannot understand the reasons why they cannot just stick to that loveteam.. Baka mamaya lumipat si Sharlene at mas doon makahanap ng bonggang loveteam. Or bigla nalang malaos si Julia Montes dahil nawalan ng project kasi wala ng mapapartner sa kaniya. I mean, alam nyo yun they should've anticipate things before it happens. Kasi sayang yung mga artistang to na may potential at mahuhusay talaga at hindi pilit o kung ano pa man. <3 If someone will ask me why not Kathniel. Ang dami na nilang fans and I admit I'm not one of them-NOT NOW. :) <3 Sobrang miss ko na ang Nashlene na noon ko pa sinusubaybayan since Goin'Bulilit days nila. Huhuhu! Ibalik niyo po sila, please! <3 ~All statements and (offensive) words were from the blogger herself, in case you were disagree or mad ain't my fault. This is my OPINION. Kthnksbye.

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Coworkers

I'm so touched to my coworkers earlier. I've started at the afternoon(my usual schedule before) and there was a girl who I could treat as a friend and not just a coworker. I could throw jokes on her as well as she. She said that she missed me because we didn't see each other for almost 2months perhaps and I have this other coworker who interrupt in my our conversation. "Who wouldn't miss you." He declared that made us laugh because we see each other more usual than to other girl. After this afternoon, I am thinking if should I quit or not yet from my work. Seems I cannot leave them, I will really miss this guys who makes me laugh and crazy sometimes. We are now kinda friends after all. I'll miss the jolly, frustrating and weird moments with them. Shiz. Should I quit or no. Now I'm darn confused. :/ Now that I have friends without the gender standard. Yes. I'm this type of person, I won't make friend to the opposite sex if I will do it alone. I cannot talk to a guy without someone who is involve like a girl-friend. This is my negative character, I keep avoiding on making guys as a friend without knowing why.