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People are not upset by me acting "insecure" because they feel at all bad about it. It's solely because it's inconvenient to have to lie repeatedly.

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Average friendship lasts 7 years, apparently.

I cant make anything last longer than 3.

That's not anyone's fault but my own. I'm just a bad person. That's not a thing to try to do woe-is-me shit- I'm just a genuinely horrible person. I deserve to suffer and die.

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I think i am limiting myself to three messages per person per day

I'm not permitted to message first most of the time- every few days at minimum

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Idk whats the appropriate time between messaging people.

My plan is: every day (or even every other day or week), I get a limit of maybe 3-4 ,,

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I think the most effective method for suicide for me personally would be driving off a cliff.

There's a sense when driving that you aren't really the one moving, which is true. It woule be much easier to just keep your foot on the gas rather than to actually swallow something, jump off of somethin, pull a trigger, etc. Whereas with driving, you put your foot on the gas, and the car moves due to that.

There are of course some drawbacks- cars are designed to keep you from dying, so that could be a hindrance. Potentially I could figure out a way to disable the airbags (and other safety features) in my car. Not buckling my seatbelt would be super obvious and definitely could lewd to some good hits on the skull.

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Forgot i had this blog a lil. It is now time for Thinking About Killing Myself!!! Wooooo

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Referring to people as "friends" even in passing is so fucking cruel of me to do and idk why i havent bothered to think about that before.

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Every so often i get smacked with the realization that i have absolutely Zero Friends and it kinda fuckn hurts tbh!

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I so so so desperately want to talk to literally anyone and thats exactly why i cannot. I need to do a better job of that- if I crave something that desperately, how is that not the same as an addiction to be weaned off of? And that applies to everything. I should be able to exist without "wanting" anything, and if i cant then i should just die.

And besides that, me wanting to be around people is at best *next to* abusive. It's so repulsive of me to keep inflicting that on people. I should never ask to be around someone, and I should never accept when someone claims to want to be around me. If someone talks to me, the appropriate response is. I dont exactly know.

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Rules for tomorrow

If I eat anything, i have to pick a med to skip tomorrow night

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It sucks so badly to mentally prepare to get something to eat, and then suddenly something happens to make you absolutely unforgivably undeserving of eating

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I dont think i am remotely capable of being loved or even liked. I think, if people ever hear me imply that someone might like me, they probably think I'm insane. Because the concept that anyone could in any way enjoy that i exist inherently implies insanity.

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Yknow what a couple shitty days is just karma

I said out loud that i am good at something and claimed that the version of it i make is the best.

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I really need to be better about who i talk to about what.

Granted, i should minimize speaking to others in any way that is beneficial to me anyways. But I especially should not speak to people about things they find irrelevant.

Ie, i should not bring up hobbies, media, work, or other people unless it is directly beneficial to the person I am speaking to.

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Deleted my previous blog for this recently. Which was so so so just.... gross of me? Deleting a blog where I talk about how shitty of a person I am doesn't make me a better person. It makes me worse.