moxeeeee-blog

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hello august

sitting on the bed alone on a friday morning, with a creature 10 weeks old growing inside of me. how can i not be happy with all the good things that has been happening to me this 2022? How can i not say i am in a good place now? Just the other day, my daughter asked me if i am happy where i am now, and i wondered why she asked me, her tear ducts are full of tears and her face shows she’s worried. i asked her why? then she said she stumbled upon my tumblr account which i asked her to read sometime ago in one of our drinking sesh here at home.   

It made me sad and worried because i caused her the pain of knowing how my life was back then by reading this tumblr account. It was all full of hate. 

I explained to her that writing is a way of relief for me. That i had a lot of diaries, collected different types of pens so that i could write everyday. 

Writing your thoughts, affirmations, and what not’s are a good way for stress relief. It helped me all these years to hold my emotions, my anger. It was therapy for me and also drinking of course.

I told her i would write again, if i can find the right words, or if i can write good again.

No right words can explain how happy, contented, satisfied, humbled i am now. 

and yes baby, mom’s finally happy. mom’s finally at peace, with god’s guidance and continued kindness, we are on the right path i guess.

As the disney movie says, have courage and be kind. 

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STOP.

I have always been the type who would react to what pisses me off may it be my mouth or facial expression, and most of the time that what’s keeping me in trouble. Lately, I started following on Insta a doctor named Dr. LePera, a psychologist who started a circle of self healers, yes, Self Healers. As weird as it may sound, I need healing, I need to change my pattern, I want to make myself better, Learn to forgive people who have wronged me, I believe I am in that stage of my life wherein I needed to break away from bad habits, childhood memories, unconscious parents, co-dependence, and negative manifestations.

I am 5 years away from starting life, that’s my 40s. And I ask myself is this how I want to live? I need to be assessed, are my parents’ responsibilities, still are my responsibilities? I am growing old and still living the life I am not living. When I was growing up I was made to believe I did them wrong for having a child and marrying at 21, that I am a failure, a black sheep, the daughter that let them down. For so many years, I wanted their approval, wanted them to know that I am not a failure, I took full responsibility for what I did and up until now still pay for my wrongs.

Recently I celebrated my 10th year at my job and it suddenly hit me, I have accomplished a lot for my family, why am I not happy. Is it because no one is even acknowledging it? No one’s happy for me. No one’s thanking me. I realized that they think it is my responsibility to work for them. They were never satisfied with what I bring or the life I have given them but still continue to ask for more. Am I that bad? When will this stop? Or will it ever stop? My unconscious parents obviously needs more healing than I do with their unprocessed emotions and their denial.

No they’re not that old, they conditioned themselves as that so that they won’t take responsibility for their family. How can I make them realize that I also have a life to live, I have my own path, this has to STOP.

Every time I try to point that out, I would end up getting hurt, physically, emotionally and all the –llys.

And since, my parents are defensive as f, Change needs to come from me. I need boundaries, it needs to stop.

I am in the healing process and it takes a lot to finally accept that I need to be processed, to accept the fact that I am abused by the those people that should’ve avoided that.

I am taking this opportunity to better myself, to stop the hate, and commit to forgiveness.

[moxeeeee-blog]

Hangover.

Watching over my niece take a bath in her inflatable tub filled with bubbles could be a remedy to a hangover, that’s what i thought. Spending time with her makes me get away from reality even for a while, sometimes i find it more fun just talking to her than most of the adults i know.

Last night at the P2 garage,

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close to a decade or so...

The 35 year old me is writing again, A lot has happened and i mean...A LOT. From Married to Single, heartaches, hearts by passed, veins bubbled, faith’s shaken, my son’s circumcision, my daughter’s first period, losing a child, taking risk at work, from personal court appearances, meeting the old beau, Ulysses, Covid-19, never ending family drama/issues and it goes on and on and on.

I have no idea why i am writing again, I have transcended these life changing experiences, maybe it would just make me feel better to finally just let it out. So many things are left unsaid and i don’t have the platform to just share it without someone telling me i am whining about it and its always the same thing. Maybe i just need someone, or something to make me realize i am doing good, i am ok and that i don’t need to be processed. Is someone’s validation really needed for someone like me who is or what i thought is strong and independent?

Is this what others say is, a mid-life crisis?

Mid life crisis...

Feeling unfulfilled in life, Intense feelings of nostalgia, chronic reminiscence about the past, Feelings of boredom, emptiness and meaninglessness, Impulsive, often rash actions, Dramatic changes in behavior and appearance.

Thanks Google, you got them all right.

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Hayup na habagat

My sister tep's bday week was crazy. Before that 6am (tues) departure from the house..we were not taking forecasts, alerts, alarms seriously..even tweeted about our neighbor movin' out. Today, thursday while everything has subsided. I pause,think..do a little re-run of what has been. That tuesday morning, 3rd alarm for evacuation, 545 am..packed quickly, woke kimuna up, carried them to the van with the almost knee deep water in the garage. It all happened so fast.. Rushed to wherever the road would take us, we just need to get out of there. Flood everywhere. Motels,hotels no vacancy. We then settled for "bestfriends" just beside the anonas lrt station, so if in case, we all could run to the train station while doing our thinking. By 730 am we decided to continue our road to Kimuna's safety..friends called and texted, offering us their places for us to stay..but the problem is, there is no way we could get to their.. A friend of mine called and told me motels are located along aurora blvd. and inside streets. So we ended up in a motel near sogo. Hotel Selenna. It became our home for 3 days. Found the place clean and hotel staff were accommodating and very considerate. Made new acquaintances mostly, habagat evacuees. (To be continued)

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Love and Hate relationship

I have been living a rough life, being pushed around by the person who brought me to this world,, she almost runs my life. Almost. You think your folks are severe? Well you don't know shit. Anyways, I've learned to fight back, talk back, I'd leave but I can't because... and they'll go coo coo without ME. So here, I'm stuck living in a hell hole. (She =???) She thinks I'm her greatest failure. I'm a biggest disappointment to her.. Think about those days I did you wrong and would beat the hell out of me.. You lead me to what I've become.. You made me do a lot of things..daddy? Daddy? Daddy doesn't know a thing..will I tell? Did I tell? I DID NOT!! She doesn't work now, so she's always home, going through my stuff and doing nothing of her life then whines about being home and doing stuff for us all the time. And check this out! Talk about doing good with my job, well, get one. I do not hate you, hate is such a good word. Abhor..that sounds better.

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Cripples me

I am a single mom raising two gremlins, sending 3 kids to school. Paying bills consumed by 6 adults, 2 kids and helpers. How would a ??k/month salary fit a family this big? Plus debts owed by my financially negligent parents. I bet Im doing A+ in this filial law the United States have, but the sad part is I'm from the Philippines. Family is family, I didn’t exactly have a choice about supporting myself when I was brought into this world. I became dependent with no alternative and really no freedom of choice to earn an income. I was entitled out of necessity, and I can't thank my parents enough. Yes the parents’ raised you and YOU think you owe them (some parents like mine, "the reasonable ones" didn’t expect to be ‘paid’ back when they raised you, they had you because they wanted the enjoyment of having a child). But all the preaching was just.... Worst is, I am raising the kids they brought into this sinkhole. They are my siblings alright and I love them, but isn't it their responsibility to make sure they had the same quality of life my eldest sister and I had?? Why pass the responsibility to us, I have children to raise on my own, my "ate" is 29 yrs old and the only thing that hinders her from getting married is the thought of leaving our family with all these predicaments. I have been whining about so many things..I have personal struggles that I deal with. 2 kids that are yearning for a father. And this, this has been going on ever since I got married and separated. I've always had this cross..and this slows me down. Good Lord, what else do I need to do for them to realize that they are still WELL and ABLE? For 6 years why do they have to fend their own daughter to do the work for them....and continuously do NOTHING about it?

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Price of being Real

God really has its way of letting you know things. It may not cause mistrust, happiness or it may not even affect you at all. Sudden changes, lies, situations just gets to you. It may not be realtime. But it will get to you, eventually.

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Perfectly Different

A moment of clarity Appeared in my life They day you came along and opened up my eyes And although I wasn't looking I came to find The perfect reflection of what love should look like Cause I'm alright when I'm with you Don't have to change when I'm with you We're both unusually both undeniably We're just perfectly different Others on the outside looking in They'd be confused cause they don't get it We ain't ashamed to be ourselves Cause we are unexplainably most definitely We just happened to be perfectly different They see two different people I only see one What they may see as abstract we feels a work of art Our imagination makes others wonder But what I wonder is how you found the key to my heart Cause I'm alright when I'm with you Don't have to change when I'm with you We're both unusually both undeniably We're perfectly different Others on the outside looking in They'd be confused cause they don't get it We ain't ashamed to be ourselves Cause we are unexplainably most definitely We just happened to be perfectly different Perfectly different They don't have to understand our love We're fine the way we are Cause I'm alright when I'm with you Don't have to change when I'm with you We're both unusually both undeniably We're just perfectly different Others on the outside looking in They'd be confused cause they don't get it We ain't ashamed to be ourselves We are unexplainably most definitely We just happened to be...... #eosl

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Another feel good music. Kapalit ng "Goodlife". Listen. Please Listen.

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#Baon

I don't remember what day it was I didn't notice what time it was All I know is that I fell in love with you And if all my dreams come true I'll be spending time with you Every day's a new day in love with you With each day comes a new way of loving you Every time I kiss your lips my mind starts to wonder And if all my dreams come true I'll be spending time with you Oh I love you more today than yesterday But not as much as tomorrow Oh I love you more today than yesterday But darling not as much as tomorrow Tomorrow makes each springtime just a day away Cupid we don't need you now be on your way I thank the lord for love like ours that grows ever stronger And I always will be true I'll be spending time with you Oh I love you more today than yesterday But not as much as tomorrow Oh I love you more today than yesterday But darling not as much as tomorrow Every day's a new day, every time I love ya Every time's a new way, every time I love ya... Very day's a new day, every time I love ya Every time's a new way, every time I love ya... Every time I love ya...

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My LoveS

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Longest ride home

For days been living in a bliss. Now the bar begins. I'm sure I won't fail. Eezy breeezy..confident.

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fellow performer.

Yes, I am a bitter person. Yes... I am turning into a cynic.  Somehow, the results that I fear would manifest in my actions and thoughts have gotten the best of me.  As hard as I try not to succumb to these cynical points of view, it just creeps its way into my daily conversations, my judgement... tsk. So yes, my fear wasn't enough to prevent the take over. I'm bitter. I'm a cynical, bitter, pessimistic, 27-year old who claims to be okay and doing just fine. Then I met this guy.  He's a fellow performer, and I thought that was his purpose in my life. Days pass by, and it turns out... he was more than what I deemed him to be. He's a man of passion indeed, this I have unfolded through the small talks that we've had.  You see, he got hurt too.  He devoted his life to this one person who made a promise to be only his.  Turns out, she was nothing but an actuality of the "Promises are meant to be broken" excuse. She hurt him real bad, and he trashed his life in his attempt to mend the wound that she has slashed on him. Drunk and dying... those were his exact words to describe his state of being.  Then somehow, throughout the course of his remorse, he eventually picked himself up.  I'm not really sure as to how the events took place, but I believe that as he was picking himself up from the dirt, he inevitably met the person who would bring him back to life.  And now he's better than ever, more loving than before... and he never had any regrets for pouring out his love to the girl who lead him to "drunk and dying". So now I'm thinking, "When will I ever pick myself up?".  I keep on claiming, and believing that somehow I'm strong enough on my own, that I can heal without trying to heal. Tsk, stubborn ol' me.  I'm not okay, and I'm not strong. I'm falling apart as I speak. Literally, I AM drunk and dying.  I'm gorging on work, drinking almost everyday with work pals, and yes... my spirit is dying.  How many people have I disregarded within a span of 6 months?  How many friends have I pained within the first 2 quarters of 2012?  And why is it that I faltered into a lifestyle that, I know, wasn't really meant for me? My spirit has died because I'm letting it die.  My inability to recover has wrecked havoc amongst the people who love me the most, and it has got to stop.  The fact that I've been hurt, and that I've been pained by the man I offered my life to doesn't give justice to the pain that I have sub-consciously poured onto the people who care for me the most. My friend says he learned that when your heart gets broken, it grows back twice as big so that you can love the next person twice as much.  It's the best thing that I've heard so far since I've started to crumble. Definitely the most perfect way to start anyone's new year.  And he'll forever be a part of my life now.  Turns out, he wasn't just a fellow performer... he is my saviour.

*written sometime in the 2nd quarter of this year.

[moxeeeee-blog]

...

         These are entries from my BBs journal. Wasn't prepared to share them then.. but I'm okay now. I'm all healed, better than ever. And now I'm ready to let all these thoughts out. All I need back then to cure moments of despair was my phone, a pen, fresh page on my "diary" and One Republic's "Good Life" on repeat.

     "I don't know what to feel, we talked and all of a sudden bad mood ata sya..I was excited to answer his calls..pro nagdududa sya y gising pko..I dnt knw..la naman kausap..been busy dwnloading,surfing and fixing things in my laptop..naiyak nnmn ako pag may mga gnyn..ang bbaw lng ng luha ko..been going out..killtime..d naman ako nag iinitiate ng kausap or parang tanga lang na adik sa kausap..aftr ng lahat ng ngyre..I've managed to be alone.. I wna slp na..but I can't..do somethng abt wdrawal shit..and u dnt gve a damn abt it? Hayyy..I dnt knw.. Narinig mo na lahat? Ikaw pa ang mat gana mapraning?ikw nag iloveyou ka na?hayyy.." Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld

      "Thank you..nightmare no more..I love you..always looking at the bigger picture..whatever u see now..what happens now..may or may not happen in our future.. Come what may...never stop believing.." Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld

       "Checked you out sa twitter..sakto pagtingin ko.. .. And...you look happy..  Pro it made me realize.. What if layuan kita? I know U wudnt run after me.. Thinking na OK ka naman na .. Bka "ako" lang tlga nagpapagulo.. What if u try to give yourself  ng buong buo, Maybe, just maybe u will realize na it isn't  bad or wrong after all, pictures don't lie.. Saw that face before nung mgksma tyo.. And wla lang..  I would understand.. #penAndPaper mode.. First time ko naisip 'to.. And baka lang naman..  "praning mode"..  (Wag magagalit,ikw ang papel ko ngyn) wala lang.." Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld

        "I dnt knw wt 2 feel..m talking to her now as if la kme common denominator..I love your him..so much that it hurts everytime...wishing I'm the one saying it..god knows I love him..how's that? How can life be more unfair..u r a great person I know..." Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld

         "Here..in "our home" .... Maybe my boi definitely proved me wrong..there are 2 types of men  ..1-just for fun and 2-they found their "one"; needless to say..my man is a 12..(Or that's what I want to believe in).. Yesterday,We marked our 365th day as a couple..the day started bad but ended so good..not even what I imagined..we are total opposites..we complement each other..we have so much faith in "us" that even we cannot explain..I just dnt know what I am feeling now..its like a window that opened for me to see what is going on..I cannot say I am hurting or even happy..maybe this is my subconscious being conscious." Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld

          "he is my pride. hidden or not."  Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld

          "..if this day ends and I dnt hear from him..it wud be the 2nd night we're not ok. Maybe this is the best time to walk away..I lost him there.. the feeling is indescribable..callous. Same old, same old. ..parang naiwanan ako sa ere.. This is the set up he wants and tells me he is tired?? is this the consequence of "the plan" he is working on? I learned to distnce myslf from so many things and I did it for us. But y is it that when things go wrong, I am the one to blame. I'm left alone..bkt ako d knkausap..sorry b dpt snsbi ko?  Hurts me so bad. Ayoko na isiksik sarili ko..I am doing my part and I think its time for him to do his.." Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld

          "Yesterday was just....hayyy.. No more hatin' I know who I am for you..parang nahatulan lng ng wlang kalaban laban..d ko man lng alam wt ngyre.. I posted something yeah right but it wasn't even intended for anybody..I just don't see why ako dpat mag suffer ng ganito..fighting for you becomes a big ? On my head.. Judged me without even hearing me out.. I'm guilty.ok. Now what? The way you are acting now.. I don't deserve it. Stop the hatin'? Do u understand what you hve just said? Say that 2 yourself.. M not ur puppy.. I have feelings too..yah hear? Its never a competition.. But what u did..2 nyts..2 days.... Just goes to show there is. I am always at the losing end.. So y do I bother? Because I'm left alone, its supposed to be you and me! But what happened?.. these things make me stronger.. And I will be ok.. I'm sure I'd be..it's sooo clear now" Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld

           " Sat morning hangover and I dnt knw.. Is that what we r now? I'm amazed on how I can stand what is happening..I guess m nearing the end.. I miss him and love him sooo much but this has to stop..kaya ko na sya tiisin and this is what scares me..baka hayaan ko nlng na mwala and just watch it happen w/o lifting a finger..I may become stubborn to react..or show emotion.. I dnt want that to happen..it scares me" Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld

           "U said if I delete you, you swear.. Isa pa talaga.. Let's see.. I'm ok with it and that's what sucks..nkktakot na..coz m a-ok with it..the scientist now playing.. And I dunno.. Pra maging better siguro.. I dnt knw really.. But I miss you..and I love you.. We'll see.. I did delete you not to annoy you..its just that you don't care..at all..and thats what hurts me.. imissyou and iloveyou..god knows I do.." Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld

            "still you find it "immature".. Di ko na alam kung san ako lulugar.. Honestly, tried no comment, less drama, ignored soooo many things..its as if I don't exist..pro may masasabi ka pdn..wen will u ever be contented?wen will you say I am doing good?wen will we stop arguing about things..I stopped complicating things U just wudnt let it go." Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld

            "M fine with being kilig sa kawalan oh well the thot of him...fuckkkk I just miss himmm!! I can't make it through without a way back into mother-fuckin looooove!!!!! I fuckin hate that I am soo in love with you.." Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld

            "Why is it at times like these.. U just don't care? Or is it just me? Baka naman mmk moment lang ako..pro lagi na lang..too busy to even comfort me..tell me I'm here..words of hayyy...don't you get it.. Ikw at kimuna lakas ko..pro nanghihina ako pag ganito..hello? Andyan ka b?! Ano b tlga papel mo sa buhay ko?good times lang..hayyyy... Devastating." Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld

             "For days, I mean weeks..I have been crazy..so crazy that I pick a fight with anyone..my frustration,devastation is all over the place..I'm trying my best to pay no heed to everything..but when evrythng goes up to my head..that's when sanity tips over.. I feel sorry for the people I pick on..sorry for making their day as bad as mine or even worst. I need to pull this together.. alone. I am convinced, I'm the problem and I apologize"  Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld

             "Pulled it off, squeezed all the juices..he loves me. That's what matters. No goodbyes..just see you later. I am full of hope..so much faith in us. H.a.t.e. Madly in love with you..we know better..no matter what happens,I am just here. Holding on to US. You don't have to worry about anything..I know what I want and m gonna go gi-it. Iloveyou. And you are stupid. Stupid for thinking ill let go just.like.that.... No way! Ily. Thank you." Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld

              "Thank you lord for friends...thank you I still have them. I maybe crushed. Ignored. Unwanted. But friends welcomed me with open arms..thank you. Family and friends, the only thing that's constant. I still love you yah dig? Last straw..all down the drain.." Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld

              "On my way home.. And I caaaant wait to see my girls.. I lost someone, or maybe not.. I do miss you and still in love you.. I'm just celebrating the life I missed..its still you I wanna be with, but I cannot and will never turn my back on people, not again.... And I miss this.. No sleep. Wiz khalifa." Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld

             "Bonding with the fam bam. Priceless. The week spent with the people who loves me most. I am still "lucky" thank you lord. Even if YOU are not here..I still think of you. But this week will be spent with people who deserves me.  I love you. That will never change." Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld

*deleted some..ellipses thanks. 

[moxeeeee-blog]

i should wear my glasses again. hmmm.... so me.