mrspapageorgiofromyuma-blog

[mrspapageorgiofromyuma-blog]

Winter Blues

Recently, I've been struggling with depression. It has hit me full force this round. I say "this round" because it happens every year around the same time, so I anticipate it. I can recognize when it's starting to fuck me up. The past few days have been rough. I spent 2 days in bed crying my eyes out for no reason. That's the part that really sucks, not having a reason except being mind fucked. I've been keeping up with the showers and hygiene shit, which is good. And I got out of bed today and ran errands. Yay for me. I bought some 5htp and SAM e to help me out. I hope this shit works. I have 8 more days of vacation to get through. 8 long ass days. I hate being depressed and bored. My mind is looking for shit to focus on, to obsess about. My thoughts are all fucked up and exhausting. I haven't been taking care of myself for a while. I drank too much, slept too little, overworked myself, and kept my anxiety high. This wasn't the best combination for someone like me. I've been riding a non-stop wave of fun and chaos for months and now that everything is calm, I get karate chopped in the vag by depression. I caught myself though. Trying to go back to old ways of coping. My brain is looking for something to obsessively focus on. I feel needy. I feel ignored. I feel lonely. But I know that's not real. That's the depression talking. It's telling me all this ugly shit about myself. It's telling me about this void that can't be filled. It's telling me there's no joy in anything. Depression is a cunt. I'm working on it. I'm trying to deal with all of this change and chaos. I'm trying.

[mrspapageorgiofromyuma-blog]

On Happiness and Other Shit.

Lately I have been making myself miserable. I have been thinking too much. I have been over-analyzing life from every angle. I’ve been revisiting my past and postulating my future. My brain never shuts the fuck off. I’m exhausted and a little lost. I’ve been looking outside myself for comfort and validation. I find myself doing stupid shit (once again) for attention. I have fallen back into a familiar pattern that left me lonely and empty. My anxiety is bad. I obsess over dumb shit and feel little slights very deeply. I’m in a weird ass place that I am having trouble mitigating. Where is my happiness? A bitch is having trouble feeling content right now. 

Maybe I am feeling everything at once again? I fall into that pit often. I try to escape my problems and ignore my feelings until everything hits me in my face all at once like a brick to the nose. All these emotions get so tangled and intertwined that it’s nearly impossible to pick them apart and get to the heart of the issue. I am feeling a lot right now. It’s weighing me down. What the fuck do I feel? What the fuck is going on in my head?

In a way, I am lonely. I miss affection and connection. I am painfully aware of what I don’t have. I have isolated myself from any potential romantic shit for years now. I put up walls and kept myself so guarded. I was cold. I still am. I have been disappointed so much in the past that I couldn’t take another piece of shit coming into my life. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t disappointed. I did it though. I set up my own traps. It was all my making. I chose men who I did not want much from and who usually had nothing to offer me. I chose these men because they were easy and predictable. Why not choose a loser? When you pick a piece of shit, you know what to expect and you know to keep them at arms length. But somehow, they found a way to surprise me and hit a new low. But I had no emotional connection to them. Most of them were just pretty faces and big dicks. I just wanted one thing, attention. I wanted to be wanted. That was a high that gave me life. I did stupid shit for attention. I can’t take that back or change it. I can only learn from it and try my hardest not to repeat that shit. Attention doesn’t get me as high anymore. It feels good from time to time, but the descent is brutal. The shame that comes along with it is harsh as fuck. After all, what is attention? Someone wanting to fuck you? Someone attracted to you? It all leaves me empty afterwards. I don’t know how to interact with men in a romantic way anymore. I just don’t. I don’t know what a relationship consists of. I don’t know what kind of maintenance it takes. It’s been years since I have been in a relationship. I was so exhausted towards the end. He wore me out. My dearest Jekyll & Hyde broke me. My first love. 

But back to this loneliness shit. I was fine earlier this year. I was just focusing on the present and enjoying life. I wasn’t thinking about men or dating. I had a nice calm inside. Then, somehow I started hanging out with a friend this summer. It’s platonic bro shit. I have fun. I enjoy the brutally honest conversations and hearty laughs. But I find that lately this little fucking nag of a voice in the back of my head started to think about my friend a bit more. I hate it. For one, I don’t enjoy liking anyone. It’s uncomfortable. And I despise feeling vulnerable. Vulnerability has gotten me metaphorically fucked up the ass plenty of times. A part of me has grown fond of spending time with him. But I am pretty sure he doesn’t feel the same way. And it fucking sucks. It sucks giant gorilla balls. But the time I spend with him has made me aware of the shit that I have been missing. I haven’t been able to vibe with anyone in years. Hell, I haven’t had anyone ask shit about me in years. So to have someone want to hang out with me and talk to me about me has been nice. Although this is a platonic friendship, it makes me miss affection. I haven’t touched anyone in years. I haven’t held hands in even more years. I miss that shit. All these little things hit deeply. Liking my friend makes me feel desperate inside sometimes. It makes me angry that I have a hard time connecting with men. It makes me remember all the shitty stuff from my past. It reminds me of how broken I once felt. It reminds me that all of the broken pieces aren’t all back in place. Then I start feeling all insecure and anxious. I question myself. I get uncomfortable in my own skin. And I get angry. 

The anger has been creeping up on me again lately. I am angry I was assaulted. I am angry I lost so many years of my life dealing with all the feelings that came after. I am angry depression and anxiety ate me up. I am angry the landscape of my life has been changed forever. I am angry it made me build impossible walls to keep people out. I am angry nobody will ever completely understand me or that I have to explain what happened for anyone to even begin to “get” me. Some days when shit gets bad I’ll feel gross. I’ll feel dirty. Then someone else from my past will just add to that shame by creeping into my inbox or remembering that I exist. It’s a weird cycle I thought I was done with. All of this reminds me that sometimes I am lonely as fuck. Sometimes I am desperate for connection. Not like I used to be. But I have a hard time connecting with just anyone. 

I miss sex. Holy fucking shit, I miss sex. I have been celibate for a while now. Sometimes I feel like I am gonna explode. But I don’t want to fuck who is convenient. I don’t want to fuck who is near. I want a genuine connection. I want someone who wants me. Who wants to spend time with me. It’s been so many years since I’ve had that. I constantly crave that high. I want that infatuation. Man, I want fucking passion. But I don’t know if anyone looks for deep shit anymore. I am a different kind of beast. I can’t do shallow boring shit. I wasn’t built that way. My soul is old. My emotions are deep. I am sensitive. I think way too much. I don’t know what kind of compatible beast there is for me. 

Ok, I guess that’s enough catharsis for now.