mun-cat

[mun-cat]

I want to die. I don't know why. I just feel the urge of doing it, the relief of thinking about doing it. I wish that I could talk to anyone, someone about it, without being judged. But I can't. Even my best frien feels tired of me hearing about death any my feeling about death. Sometime I couldn't stop my tears falling down on my face. I guess I will find the way. One way or another.

[mun-cat]

Dragon - 28 Jan 2020 - 05 Mar 2021

In the last week, I have been going through so many different kinds of thoughts and emotions that I, myself, was surprised. I thought I found the love of my life, striving to become better, almost like I were becoming a new person. Longer neutral brown hair, no longer green highlight on a side of my head. Wearing skirts or girly items... I changed my dream of traveling around the world into traveling to all 63 provinces of VN before 30 with him. Adapting his dream to my life, like getting a car even before getting a house to house it. Ooooh, that was fun. 

We got through many ups and downs, including those times we have huge fights and break-ups. Thought that it will never be fixed for both of us. We have no idea on how to fight, how to resolve the problem, how to not hurt the other one when we were fighting. But I thought in the last trial month, we had it. I mean, at least that’s what I believed in. Apparently, it seems not to be the case here. I still don’t know what is the main reason behind his decision. Because I don’t change my nose? Because I am a hot-head? Or because he was following his mother’s idea - being told by a fortune teller - that we were and never will belong to each other? That our relationship will only bring him down or harm him in a mysterious way? I guess unless I asked him, I will never know. 

I was angry and hurt. But the more I think about it, the more I understand his feeling. I have never been the one for him. Just a suitable one at a period of time. Because I was kind, and can earn my own money, I am independent and smart enough to help him become a better person. His love for me is not enough to tolerate my bad side or to be patiently wait for me to change. His idea of love is bigger than just me, and was more than just my personality, my character.  In his mind, he needs a good girl friend, who is gentle, not too smart to outsmart him, but to be obedient, listen and say yes to every demands he gave. A girly girl, petite and thin, long hair, girly style and short skirt. If cannot good at earning money, no problem. His previous marriage proved that. I still wonder, what are the things that he has changed for me? I don’t see one. 

So, what am I expecting? If giving me a chance to comeback to him, will I accept? If not, then why I feel like shit now? Do I miss him? Or do I just miss the memories we had in the past and the future we could have had? He said he would block his ex and delete all the pictures taken together once he broke up with his ex. Then why he hasn’t blocked me? Did he delete all my pictures in his phone or just on fb? I noticed that he still check my zalo story. Does that mean he still care for me? but he didn’t block me showing he has no interest in me whatsoever. Then, again, what am I expecting?

All of my friends told me to move on and heal myself. I was too lonely that I jumped on Tinder and start swiping. I met some good ones, but still lots of jerks or unfitted ones that I don’t know how to turn down properly. I guess I have enough clues already. I will just keep the ones I planned to see/meet and stop swiping. 

Tumblr my friends, I miss him. I guess. I feel empty in my heart. Here and there, I saw his images in my head, got startled when I heard similar bike engine stop at my house, see every couple on their bikes and regret that I didn’t hug him enough when we were dating even though he wanted it so bad and required me do so but I often ignored. I saw Exciter and I remember his bike. Anything resemble of him makes me wanna cry. Even this afternoon, I was stressed out and went to the glass wall to relax. I looked down at the spot where I and he said goodbye for the last time, it was the last time we have seen each other. It’s like yesterday. The pain is still there. I got through many break up before, but never hurt like this. At least this time, I knew that I was in love, for real. I was willing to change myself for that love. And I was wrong. Changing yourself, unwillingly but emotionally pressured to, is not how love works. We were not compatible. To me, he can be enough but his mindset is not there yet. I just accepted him blindly. To him, I was never enough, no matter what I do. 

I will be fine. Time heals everything. Even a bleeding heart. 

Keep my head high and focus on changing myself for a better self-love. I will be fine. Eventually. 

Mun - 22 Mar 2021

[mun-cat]

You are my peace

Hello my friend. It’s been awhile, hah? :)

I thought I have found my place.. my peaceful place.. you know, the place you get to be you, to be real, and not to care about the crazy world out there. And if I found it, I wouldn’t have to find you anymore, right?

But NO. I’m still here talking to you, aren’t I? 

When you are unstable, you are tired, you don’t want to do anything, think anything, cheer anyone. You just want to lie down, hug someone, and feel some sweetness out of bitter flavor life gives you everyday. 

I used to be alone, but not lonely. Now I am not alone, but extremely lonely. Lonely in my own world, in my work place, in my old house, in my current home. Have no idea why life has to be cruel to me like that. =))

Do you know the feeling when you expect someone older than you (at least in the mind), not just capable of taking care of you, but also know how to love you enough, how to understand your idea of free-love.. blah blah.. And you get a person with 60% of your dream love.. 60%, more than the average, but not quite fully enough for you, just enough to cause you the confusion of decision: too regretful if lose it, too hard to keep it going. That feeling tho, hahaha, hilarious, as if the life is smirking at you.

I am a big girl. I know how to drive my life. I know what I want.

If it’s time to go, I will. No hesitation. 

[mun-cat]

When love is not enough

When you love someone, but that love is not and never enough. Well, what am I expecting? She’s a girl. She has mood swing. She can cry, all of sudden, in the middle the night,, just because I didn’t let her hug me. 

I don’t do sweet, especially when I don’t feel right that way. Normally, I am cold. Because I feel it’s not my mission to lie to people’s faces. Well, I’m a sale girl, I am expected to lie to people’s faces and sell something. kk, Maybe really I am not suitable for this sale job. But it’s scary though when I spited all the bad feeling or bad thoughts, or even bad ideas straight to people’s faces. 

I can lie to some body not so close to me and by that, I am considered as sweet and lovely. I can spit the fact to my love’s face, and being considered Hard Cold Bitch. Haha, how hilarious. 

I am busy. I know. But I don’t know why I couldn’t focus more on my job. Maybe Que was right all alone. Maybe I really don’t love my job, or even don’t know how to do it properly. Busy, but busy at what is still debatable.

We still love each other, after all this time. Well, honestly, just 7 month. I am becoming harder and harder, she is busier, more gentle and know how to step back in front of me. Well, couldn’t expect more. 

Scenario 1: I do a deal, and consider to stay or not, with graceful behavior.

 Scenario 2: I do no deal, and will stay there until the end of February. 

Basically, I have only 2 and a half month left to do whatever the heck I want to. keke. Gooodnightttttttttttttttttt~~~

  {����D��

[mun-cat]

When

I thought I need more

I thought only you would never be enough

But 

When you lied down side by side with me on the dirty road just to see how sparkle those stars are and how fresh the air is after rain

Or when you threw yourself in a fight just to protect me in concert

Or when you put your hand under my ice tea glass while I was drinking just to make sure my skirt staying dry

Or when you forced yourself to wake up earlier than me every morning to make sure I didn't go to work with empty stomach

Or when you prepared a bucket of warm salted water for me just because you saw how painful I walked on high heels.

I knew

You are everything I need

And for that, I am thankful.

[mun-cat]

Heartache Headache... Ache

There’s some sort of hurt and emptiness running through my heart these days. Maybe that’s the frustration you are stuck with when you cannot do anything you want to. Especially stuffs you want your love one to have and to feel. 

I dont know why but I became regretful these days. I want to give back her old days. She is suffocating from me, from my life, from my ridiculous life style and cold heart of mine. Even I dont know where I got my cold heart from. She must be exhausted since she is really very lack of sleep. 

We couldn’t see each other much during working day. I think that’s the reason keep us from not being emotionless. But that’s also the reason you get frustrated easily, when you need a shoulder and no one with you at that moment lend you one. 

It’s like a dead end I couldn’t find way out. 

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it’s time for me stop dreaming, start getting back to my legal root and be useful, at least for myself.

Or

I should just die under the wheels.

[mun-cat]

Bitch comes out

Madly, Crazily, Fucking Idiot I am

For someone dont know who I am, lemme tell ya, this is a whole new level of fault and mistakes and deadly sins constantly happen through out this time of my life. 

For someone who did know me.... No. Obviously you didnt

Mom text. For her, I am still a little kid. Sound like movie. But fucking true at the same time. Especially when you are blind folded, walking with no destination ahead, keep telling yourself “just go, we will get there” but have no idea where the fuck is there.

Sometimes when you look at the fucking bitch in the mirror, telling her to stop annoy your life but all you can do after that is looking at her smirking you, ‘cause event when she said nothing, you still know what she means is true.

You are nothing

You can do nothing

All you did is pretend you know stuffs, pretend to be confident and... fuck

all of what you are being built by lying to yourself and to everyone else.

[mun-cat]

Love a girl not as a boy

I am tired of those eyes Keep looking at us as if we've done something wrong as such I am tired of whisperers Keep telling each other about the weird couple we are I am tired of the night Being alone is what I'm used to but God, I miss you

But I know

You are twice more tired than me You miss me twice more than I You took care of every little thing around me and keep me from being tired

So

I'll keep my heart working Despite what happening Being tired will not be a status I could state.

---

Em đã từng nghĩ mình có thể yêu anh như yêu một người con trai, một người mạnh mẽ và vững chắc, một người mà em có thể dựa dẫm vào. Nhưng càng yêu anh, em lại càng mong anh yếu đuối một chút, vì em muốn che chở cho anh. Em muốn được yêu anh như yêu một người con gái. Để anh biết rằng dù anh có là ai,  em vẫn sẽ nắm tay anh, vẫn sẽ lùi lại, giữ thăng bằng cho anh, rồi mình sẽ lại sóng vai bước tiếp.

Mọi thứ sẽ thật tuyệt anh nhỉ. Hai chúng ta ấy. Ít nhất, chúng ta có thể ở bên nhau. Ít nhất, chúng ta còn có thể hạnh phúc mỗi ngày với những điều nhỏ nhặt trong cuộc sống, cùng cười, cùng khóc. À không, thường thì em khóc, anh dỗ. ^^

Chẳng biết ngày mai có gì. Có lẽ ba mẹ sẽ phát hiện và la toáng lên. Cũng có thể bạn bè em sẽ phát hiện và la toáng lên. Cũng có khi hàng xóm nhìn thấy lại la toáng lên. Thôi mặc kệ. Ai la toáng cũng mặc kệ. Có la thì mình cùng la với họ. Bịt tai lại và say la la la =)) 

Without you, I am nothing

With you, I am something

Together, we are everything.

[mun-cat]

Moving Out

Well. I have moved out... out of my house. 

I have dreamed about this for so long and finally it became true. I said “I will move out”, mom said “ok, that’s good for you. Do what you have to do. Dont come back.”

And I did.

:))

This month, I will not have enough money for a care-free-living. I have to eat carefully, calculate everything, thinking carefully before buying anything... blah blah.

Well, its just the beginning. It will get better. I dont think much about me. I worry about Ace more. Her salary is not as much as mine. Still, she has to take care of her part since we decided to split half half for rental and deposit. And... it’s almost everything she has.

Still, I began to worry about her when she said she would take another job, or she would consider some other job and quit Xu. She was just there 3 months, so many thing I think she could learn before going on with other jobs. She still have to learn a lot about working, about being professional. I dont think moving out with me right now is good for her, but she kept insisting. haizz. I am happy with her in my life, I have someone to share all my story and stuffs, but I am still wondering whether its the best thing I should do for her right now. 

I told D that I would have a care-free life if I live alone and care only my part. And that I can go out often, travel and do many stuffs alone which is kind of enjoyable life I aimed. But, you know what, that would be so lonely that I couldnt breath, and its just the life I want to live, especially when I could die at any minute now. 

Well then, keep moving forward, I said.

[mun-cat]

What if...

For the last few days, I have lived in hell. It’s not about my job. It’s about my conscience.

I had been sick in the past, and at that moment, A had been such caring, cooked me lunch and bought me pills. She was always there for me, worry that I might get not enough sleep, drink too much coffee or any such things that matter to her but me.

When she was sick, what did I do for her? Absolutely nothing. And more than that, I made her waiting for me 30 minutes straight. She didn’t have the key to open the front door for me, but she had got my notice of coming, so she had to wait down stair to keep the door open. The next day, I went to work, and she was home, alone, suffered from the sickness on her own, had to cook her own porridge and bought her own pills. Until that moment I felt the burden of guilt sitting on my shoulders. I didn’t have strange and concentration to work at all. I just wanted, really badly, to see her being ok. It drove me crazy when you want to do something for your love one but how little you can actually do in such circumstance.

I know she had been hurt before by someone she really loved. And she said she would never do such thing to anyone she love since she doesn’t want them to suffer the same hurt feeling she got. But with me - moving out - and so many things ahead us, just please, let me be the one suffer the heat for her. I don’t know if I love her enough to drag her into this with me. Maybe tomorrow I would wake up and call every thing off. Well, that would be a disaster or a bless I still don’t know yet. But what if…

What if with every things happening right now, she has been suffering and that her love toward me is fading away but she declined that fact? Maybe tomorrow, she will be the one who want to stop? Will that be easier for me?

What if… when she became honest about her feeling and hurt me a bit? Will I accept that and still feel itchy about that? Will I be willing to forgive her?

What if…

[mun-cat]

Slipping away

She has a new bike. Along with new shoes, new bag, new haircut, new attitude, I forgot how amazing she is and that I could lose her any moment.

I left two marks on her small beautiful neck, everyone asked about that mark, or more clearly, asked about who left them there. I came there, seeing her trying to hide the marks and instantly I felt insecure. She smiles with everyone. She is kind to everyone. I know that’s her job and like mine, we can’t do anything about it, but still….

I told mom via text about I will move out within the next 2 months. She didn’t say anything about it but I know what she means. In the meantime, I still have to deal with the one at home. :D this is really frustrated, annoyed and fucked up.

Time does fly. Look back, I can see how oddly I made my decisions. My old job and my new job are totally different, in every aspect. My old partner and my new partner are so different, from the root. LOL with this.

Yesterday I and Ace walked together on pedestrian Nguyen Hue. We sang songs and mix of songs from Pitch Perfect (and I don’t think anyone can do that like us). We were best friends at that moment. And I like that. We are from lover and now, back to basic, to be each other best friend. She told her friend that I am the one who understand her the most. How warm.

A has a problem with her two dogs and her brother today. She said that was her signal to leave her house and come live with me. Yep. We are finding new place now.

But the thing is, why do I still have the feeling of emptiness every time I was home? Whether or not when I move out, the feeling still exists? I found myself lately fell deep into depression. What if one day, I return home from work, I find a hole on my chest and I can’t take it anymore and that, I will end everything?

Lately, I think a lot about my relationship and my work and my problem at home. It’s like no time for me to do anything else. I don’t want to get home early, cause I don’t feel safe. I can wait for A for as long as I can (usually late). I just want her to hold me in her arms and every sorrow suddenly disappears. And my thought? Scary as hell. KC, I can forget. But A, I don’t think I can hold on to my life if she disappears from me.

Stress at work. Hope everything works out just fine.

[mun-cat]

Dear Tumblr, I love her (P3)

BE TAKEN CARE OF

It’s perfect when we talk about how a girl can really understand the feeling of another girl. It’s more efficient and comfortable than the feeling you have with boys.

She’s super nice and kind to me. She saw me eating instant spaghetti for lunch, and she was like “thuong qua, em cu an do an lien nhu vay thi lam sao du chat?” and then she dropped by to give me Green Tea cake before going to work. That’s just one of hundred things she’s been doing for me every day that make my heart melt down.

The thing I both like and don’t like at the same time about her is: she could take care of herself really good. She tries hard to take care of me, but when things mess up, when I want to take care of her, she show the “no-need-to-worry” side and I lost my chance on it. I visited and slept over at her house last weekend and it was really fun. She bought me porridge to eat after midnight and we watched Blue is the warmest color. But have to say… Seriously, we couldn’t watch any movie straight through. We were too busy of kissing each other. Like… nonstop. Haizz.

Anyhow, no matter where we are, no matter when it is and what we are doing, if I need something, she won’t hesitate to do it for me. I never have to care much about any small things in life, like how to get good drink, how to eat crab, blah blah… She takes such such such good care of me.

I think, since she is a girl, she is gentler and more careful and also more sensitive to what people need. But she considers herself as a boy to me, so she is also strong and gallant. That’s a great combination, right?

But dear Tumblr, I want to take care of her too. A person knows herself too well and taking good care of everyone, including herself like her, how can I even do that? Mieo~

---The End---

[mun-cat]

Rethinking

Too scary for me. A loves me and for her own sake, I think I should stop here. 

A big part of me screaming out for my love toward her but my other part cry out for her soul. Maybe I’m a drama queen who always make thing worse. But seeing her suffered so many things in life, and now she has to keep suffering in my relationship when she has to take care of me, she has to be a man, be my home, be my boongke, has to think about the future of us... For me, it’s too much, too burdensome for little shoulders she has. 

Today, she told me about how she wants to have another job and arrange the job at Xu. I didn’t ask what is it for, but I know because she really wants to take care of me. that was scary when you found out you made someone change that much.

Mom will be back at the middle of next month. This week I will get my salary as an official staff at CBRE. But right now, all I have is 50k. keke. Lots of money gone to Vung Tau trip this month and hotel. :P

My job there... OMG, sometimes I have to snap myself out of A. I tried to work, but all I did was missing her, thinking what she is doing and blah blah... If I keep chatting with her, my work will be distracted. If I concentrate to my work, not chatting with her, she will be bored and even she didn’t say anything, she is unhappy about that doe. 

Anyway, I received the contract today. Officially. keke

[mun-cat]

Dear Tumblr, I love her (P2)

WORRYING

The day I went to Thuy’s home and spent night there, I’ve been locked outside (Boo is the one I regret the most for not being home, he always tries to get to me despite the locked door). I was a mess and felt terrible. I took a drive and Ace at that moment, couldn’t reach me through phone. I will always remember this text of her “A dang lo, A se di tim e”, “Dang o dau, A lo qua chay ca ra duong�� Neu ko on cu ve voi A”. It’s been a really long time since I have had someone worry that much about me.

These days I have so much going on with my f*cking dad. He’s superficial and full of bullshit. He tried to kick me and my mom out of the house, but…. It’s not that easy. Yesterday I had a big fight with him and I went out and drank wine with D. I already cried at home. I thought I’ll be ok and that I’ll not cry anymore. But the moment I saw Ace, I suddenly felt weak and just wanted to hug her and burst out to tear. Tried to hold it back, but she kept asking me how I’ve been nonstop. I knew for sure the moment I told her my story, definitely cry I will. I don’t think I’m drunk, yet I did cry a lot. In her arms, I felt safe, comfortable and also weak, which I don’t prefer at all. But she’s like drug to me. I know it’s bad but I couldn’t help myself. I don’t want to lean on her, like I used to lean on KC. Plus, she told me she likes strong, independent women, so, it’s better for me this way, not talking too much, not crying too much, not leaning too long.

Yesterday she told me about how the girl at her work place made some moves toward her. She’s Libra and kind of mysterious (not really, I think she just play mysterious, not real one though). How I feel? I’m not jealous ‘cause A’s love for me at this moment is way much stronger than the instant feeling A has with her. Right now that story of her and A will distract everyone in Xu, even Tr. I don’t know why I don’t feel bad or worry about using L as a replacement. The distraction she make, the entertainment as she plays in front of A, the feeling of playing with fire I have… and I think she has her own joy while doing that too. What makes me worry? Well, perhaps the bad memory I had with KC and Yuki grabs my heart the moment I knew L. A has a habit of thinking positively about people and with that thought, not today, but maybe tomorrow, A could feel something different about L and may cost me my relationship. Haha

... to be continued...

[mun-cat]

Dear Tumblr, I love her (P1)

I love her. Just like that I choose to believe her and so far, she’s worthy for that. But… Yep, there’s always a big BUT after any nice thing happening to me.

JEALOUSY

She said the moment when I asked for 1 week “time-out”, she hurts a lot and that made her realize her love to me was real and getting bigger. Here comes the problem. I am a social kind of girl and love to talk, to smile, to hug people. Personally, I don’t think she loves me that much. She feels sad and angry when somebody trying to touch me (either guys or girls) but I think it’s more like ownership than love.The reasons? Firstly, she used to have bad memories with her ex about cheating and she doesn’t want to experience that again. Secondly, she thinks I’m hers like a pet or a personal property. With that being said, I don’t feel bad about it. Actually, I feel good. I mean, she really hates the feeling of someone filthy touching me. And that show how much she treasure me. Honey, keep being jealous, but don’t be over jealous. I like it, however I’m not sure I’ll get used to being put on leash. I’m still a wild girl after all. It’s in my nature. Haizz 

Do I feel jealous? Yes. I mean, I’m not sure she is still in love with her ex or not but I can feel her pain every freaking time she talk about that ex. I tried to look cool and calm every time I feel jealous. T_T It’s even more ridiculous when I feel jealous with C. haha. I don’t think I’m that level of insecure about her love. I just keep thinking about how she’s gonna leave me when I love her too much, to the point that I may lose myself. She said I have nothing like her ideal type. Haha. How odd and yet... how scary.

... To be continued...

[mun-cat]

A good beginning

It all started with a date, with several friends, introduce a new friend, and that new friend got my attention. She teased me a lot, but I was like “haha hehe, no, please don’t”. Nothing happened yet. Just good time.

Then the day I went to Xu later, I saw her again. She doesn’t look nice. She’s like a boy, not a good one though. But something in her eyes makes me wanna see more, know more. I drank a lot that day with D. And later that day, we went to Bui Vien street for some beer. I didn’t have any feeling, just curious about that girl. But we found out we have a lot in common.  Like A LOT. From movie, to series, to show, to artist, blah blah. It’s like I and her live the same life without knowing each other. And that firstly, sounds creepy to me.

We saw movies, we hung out, we had fun and the more I know about her, the more I feel relieve. It’s like I already found my other half. But since it happened too quick, I had cold feet.

Then we went to VT together. I honestly enjoy every second being there with her. She took such good care of me. Those feeling, I haven’t felt it for a really long time. She makes me feel loved and happy.

Hey Tumlr, do u know that she has been through a lot? She told me part of her story, and even though I don’t know how much of it is real, I still want to believe her. I know, believing someone with such this short time is nothing different from suicide, but I can’t help myself to do so. Our hearts, our minds syncronize very quick. I don’t have to say much, she knew it all. She doesn’t have to think about telling me or not, I still get it. It’s weird. It’s unreal to me. Like some kind of magic. T_T hard to understand, right?

I don’t know what my feeling for her is right now, but I know for sure one thing. I have never known a person who could understand me this well since the day I was born. That gives me chill. >”<

Anyway, have to enjoy this moment, before I actually fall for her. T_T

[mun-cat]

Where the table turns

Yep, that’s it. My life turned. It was the moment when I realize a big part of my life, a six-year relationship went to the end, suddenly. It was quick, like you wake up from a nightmare without knowing it is a nightmare. 

For a while, I was there, sitting alone, in my room, with my cats and tried to squeeze out a purpose, since I was totally lost track what I’ve been doing. Then I figured out, that he’s not worthy. My love for him is way much better than his and who he is. I cried. 1 time. Just to mourn my six year love. And that was damn quick. ^^

My life without him? Easier. 

And that’s when love came to me, unexpectedly.

It took me a quite long time to have courage to write this out. haha

Right now, I live like there’s no tomorrow. And I am happy about that. Focus on my job is a very wise option, since I used to ignore it to run after a fucking stupid man. keke. Honey, believe in your job. It never betray you.

Wish I could love and marry my job. Right now, it seems impossible. Especially when I found the one, the one who understand me sometimes more than I could expect, even though we just met each other last month. 

I still didn’t know what is it my feeling. Maybe I’m in love, but I have to take it easy this time. No rush. which is really strange to me. We have connection, indeed. We have chemistry, yes. But what we don’t have right now is the future together. I hope I can make it change, like I used to before. 

Thinking about her a lot, that I thought I was crazy. Is it possible, for people fall deeply in love in just 1 month?