muselixer

[muselixer]

dumb things my friends and I have said: 2025!

part two: april - june apologies ahead of time for length! feel free to change pronouns if need be. warning for foul and dirty language, suggestiveness, and capslock-implied yelling :)

"If I cosplay your mom, call that my fursona."

"We shall have a designated ball cleaning day."

"Should I make the CEO of Sex pasta again tonight?"

"If I get horny in front of you, would you give me money?"

"Can someone, like, sniff him and see if he has a shoe size?"

"We can make crystal meth in that!"

"God allows a little pornography."

"Can I get a diet cock? I mean, a diet cock? I mean―"

(seductively) "So... Do you like lettuce?"

"If there was a dead body, a room, and a bottle of wine, i would fuck the body, marry the wine, and kill the room."

"The turn signals STAY ON during sex."

"Thank god I'm fast at getting ready. Because I'm STILL SITTING NAKED ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR! AAYYY!!"

"Ah, yes. The energy drink that does nothing but make my fingers shake a little bit sometimes."

"He looks like if you ordered Matt Damon on Temu and the package arrived damaged."

"You could reasonably argue that the BMV is a movie theater."

"Please teach these boobs how to hold a sax. I'm gonna have a stroke on the lift."

"I love white cheese... What? You never had black cheese?"

"I think cannibalism is based if the guy being eaten is down for it."

"Why are they so attached to this fuckass horse?"

"I'm not gonna pretend to know the horse lore."

"OH, GOD FORBID A MAN HAVE BALLS."

"Hey, you got your nipples out or no?"

"Guys, I have bad news. That movie came out before 9/11."

"Most reasonable people put hentai on it."

"Who needs weed when you have ass rock?"

"I couldn't flex on Stephen Hawking if I tried."

(angrily) "Fruit snacks are fucking delicious, dude. You drink Vernor's and eat American cheese slices. That's not even real fucking cheese."

"Your mom makes my ass vibrate in a bad way, man."

"My grandpa is sifting in his urn right now."

"I'm falling on a sword this afternoon."

"Don't piss by yourself, you're too handsome."

"Those who shit in glass toilets shouldn't shit stones."

"He came in me and now he's on his TechDeck."

"So help me god, if you don't accept this gracious gift of the fuckin' rice, I'm gonna get, like, 1950's work whistle angry."

"I think we need to just put him in a fucking device."

"How much proof does this bitch need? Get convinced."

"This one looks like an uncircumcised peen."

"That's the liminal Red Lobster. Where they do illegal lobster gambling."

[muselixer]

dumb things my friends and I have said: 2025!

part one: january - march apologies ahead of time for length! feel free to change pronouns if need be. warning for foul and dirty language, suggestiveness, and capslock-implied yelling :)

"If I woke up tomorrow and I was 13 again, it would be over for me."

"That guy's a fucking bozo."

"Why do you know what happens when you cut a bird's head off?"

"I don't care! I hate his guts! ...However, I would still very much fall for it."

"I have chronic autism."

"I keep enough change in my asshole that I jingle."

"Oh my god, I wanna be an oil puddle soooo bad."

"So, I cut off my ass, and sold it to Joann Fabric."

"What if my muscles get too relaxed and my uterus falls out?"

"There's not an agitator in this washing machine, but there is an agitator in me."

"Your Honor, no shit!"

"WHO FILLED MY HOLE?"

"All I do is deal with dumbasses."

"How 'bout you bid deez nuts?"

"I'd sauté that pickle."

"Why'd you emote at me?"

"I'm turning into Mussolini and I'm not even fully sure who that is."

"No! I've never hawk-tuah'd on my inhaler!"

"I bet she failed Breathing 101."

"It's like... I'm vibing, right? But the vibrator is broken. Y'know?"

"Oh, that is NOT Biggie Cheese."

"What do you MEAN, I have a small grabbable waist?"

"I SAID I EAT ASS! I WINKED AT YOU! YOU DIDN'T RESPOND!"

"Fish stay under the water, I think."

"Dudes are mounting each other, and I'm here for it."

"Tomorrow is the day my penis starts bleeding for a week."

"Yeah, man. Sure. Whatever fucks your butt, I guess."

"Let me in, I have my rights! Me and the bugs outnumber you!"

"I would get a cybernetic dick immediately."

"If anything, you're a power bottom."

"Just put it in my trunk raw."

"We can go to Barnes and Noble and eat a book."

"I GOT your four basic food groups! Butter, Kraft singles, milk, and Verners!"

"I know he needs to go at a speed, but fuck."

"I DON'T WANT MY COCK TO FIZZ!"

"I think we should replace testicles with squeaky toys."

"I've replaced my bong water with Coca Cola."

"Imagine gooning in a self driving bus."

"Where is the tit on the almond?"

"Can you describe your coworkers in three words, without using slurs?"

"I'm so excited. I'm gonna look like a chicken."

"We can't skip the Beegees. We can only prolong the inevitable."

"If they talk behind your back... fart."

[muselixer]

PROMPTS FOR ORDINARY THINGS THAT FEEL INTIMATE *  inspired by this post. these don't have to be romantic - you can specify romantic or not when you send them. in essence, these are simply intimate, affectionate moments to share with someone you love and care about. adjust as necessary, send 'reverse' for the reversal of the prompt

[ lean ] sender rests their head on receiver's shoulder

[ shop ] sender and receiver go to the grocery store together

[ brush ] sender brushes receiver's hair

[ tie ] sender helps receiver with their tie, either by putting it on or adjusting it

[ necklace ] sender helps receiver with the clasp of their necklace from behind

[ zip up ] sender assists receiver with zipping up a piece of clothing

[ unzip ] sender assists receiver with unzipping a piece of clothing

[ shoelaces ] sender bends down to tie receiver's shoelaces

[ swipe ] sender notices a smudge of something on receiver's face and gently wipes it off

[ braid ] sender braids receiver's hair

[ jacket ] sender takes their jacket off and hangs it on receiver's shoulders

[ puddle ] sender hurries to stop receiver from stepping into a puddle

[ drinks ] sender brings receiver a drink from a bar/their kitchen

[ feed ] sender feeds receiver's pet/s for them

[ cook ] sender and receiver cook a meal together

[ feed ] sender allows receiver to try a bite of their dish, holding their fork out for receiver to taste

[ teach ] sender, an expert at something, takes time to teach receiver how it works and how they can get better at it, too

[ readjust ] sender comes up behind receiver and readjusts their stance (maybe holding a gun, holding a golf club, aiming for something, etc.) to help them

[ makeup ] sender fixes receiver's makeup for them

[ bathroom ] sender and receiver go to a public restroom together and have a normal conversation in between the stalls

[ aloud ] sender reads aloud to receiver

[ refill ] sender refills receiver's glass without asking

[ massage ] sender notices receiver looks tense, steps up behind them, and massages their shoulders

[ listen ] sender listens to receiver explain something they're passionate about

[ silence ] sender and receiver comfortably exist in silence together, both of them working or reading or focusing on something different

[ food ] sender brings food over to receiver's house

[ hum ] sender hums along to a song receiver is singing

[ see ] sender sees something that reminds them of receiver and texts them a picture of it

[ admire ] sender stares at receiver across a room, silently admiring and appreciating them from afar

[ win ] sender lets receiver beat them in a game

[ puzzle ] sender helps receiver solve/put together a puzzle

[ carry ] after receiver falls asleep in an inconvenient place, sender carries them to a bed and tucks them in

[ kneel ] sender finds receiver sick in the bathroom ("tossing their cookies"), and kneels beside them, holding their hair back and cleaning their face

[ clean ] sender helps bathe receiver

[ wash ] sender helps receiver wash their hair

[ patch ] sender carefully patches one of receiver's wounds

[muselixer]

‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ i'm not a good person.‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏ ‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ i'm barely a person at all.

[muselixer]

send me “!” for my muse to tell yours what they really think of them.

NOTE – this is meant to be 100% honest!!

[muselixer]

&. 𝐫𝐢𝐯𝐚𝐥𝐬 (𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬?) 𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬.

(  various  dialogue  prompts  to  send  to  your  worst  enemy  (affectionate).  feel  free  to  change  how  you  seem  fit.  )

❛ oh great, it's you again. ❜

❛ you? kill me? that's funny. ❜

❛ for being someone you hate, i'm sure on your mind a lot. ❜

❛ you're the last person i wanted to see, actually. ❜

❛ do us both a favor. stay away from me. ❜

❛ you really are an asshole, you know that? ❜

❛ i'm the asshole? what does that make you then? ❜

❛ sometimes i think you must hate me. ❜

❛ i thought you said you never wanted to see me again. ❜

❛ if you want me to go, then you have to tell me to leave. ❜

❛ well, someone's cranky today. ❜

❛ well, someone needs to shut the fuck up. ❜

❛ just stay out of my way. ❜

❛ of all the idiots in the world, i'm stuck with you. ❜

❛ what is it you want this time? ❜

❛ sometimes i wonder if you're in love with me. ❜

❛ do you honestly think this is easy for me? ❜

❛ why would i ever want to be friends with you? ❜

❛ can we please just talk? ❜

❛ there is nothing for us to talk about. ❜

❛ you can yell at me later. just let me help you. ❜

❛ touch me, and you're dead. ❜

❛ oh, so now you care? ❜

❛ there is something deeply wrong with you. ❜

❛ i know i'm the last person you probably want to see, but... ❜

❛ you don't think we could be friends, do you? ❜

❛ i'm tired of fighting against you. ❜

❛ don't pretend you give a shit about me. ❜

❛ you're an idiot, but... i trust you. ❜

❛ oh, don't be cute. ❜

❛ wait, did you just say that i'm cute? ❜

❛ we're not good for each other. ❜

❛ if i say yes, will you shut up? ❜

❛ don't you have to be stupid somewhere else? ❜

❛ maybe we should kiss just to break the tension. ❜

❛ i'm sorry i can't turn off my feelings as easily as you. ❜

❛ maybe there's a universe out there where we're friends. ❜

❛ how can you be so smart yet so dumb at the same time? ❜

❛ don't think this changes anything between us. ❜

❛ you look ridiculous in that outfit, by the way. ❜

❛ if you die, i'll kill you. ❜

❛ is that a challenge? ❜

❛ ah, so you're not heartless after all. ❜

❛ i don't think i've ever seen you smile. ❜

❛ you never cared about me, so why now? ❜

❛ why didn't you kill me when you had the chance? ❜

❛ i don't even remember why we started fighting. ❜

❛ i don't have time for distractions right now. ❜

❛ you're not as bad as everyone says you are. ❜

❛ enemies make the best lovers, you know. ❜

[muselixer]

send me 💬 or "unsent texts" i'll share three texts my muse typed but never sent yours.

[muselixer]

                 Still, there is this terrible desire to be loved.                  Still, there is this horror at being left behind.

[muselixer]

send my muse three names and they'll tell you who they would kiss, date or fight

[muselixer]

I'M DAMNED IF I DO AND I'M DAMNED IF I DON'T

[muselixer]

𝐅𝐋𝐈𝐑𝐓𝐘 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐓𝐒 (a collection of prompts for muses who just love to flirt. Feel free to adjust phrasing and gendered terms as necessary) 

"Let me distract you."

"Let's misbehave."

"I can't stop thinking about you."

"Can I borrow a kiss? I promise I'll give it back."

"I'm putting you on my to-do list."

"I'd look good on you."

"Don't bite your lip, I want to do that."

"Do you have a name or can I just call you mine?"

"I seem to have lost my number, can I have yours?"

"You're even more beautiful than yesterday."

"Shouldn't you be in my bed?"

"Trouble never looked so goddamn fine."

"You're a bad idea, but I like bad ideas."

"Maybe we should just kiss to break the tension."

"If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun."

"You're a shy little thing, aren't you?"

"Let's flip coins. Head, I'm yours. Tails, you're mine."

"Smile is the second best thing you can do with your lips."

"Your lips would look so much better on mine."

"You know we should save some water, shower together."

"You like me because I'm a scoundrel."

"I'll do anything for a woman with a knife."

"The fastest way to shut me up is to kiss me."

"I just want you to be happy! And perhaps a little bit naked."

"I like my bed, but I'd rather be in yours."

"Are you cake? 'Cause I want a piece of that."

"Your shirt has to go, but you can stay."

"You owe me a drink because when I saw you I dropped mine."

"You must be tired, because you've been running through my mind all day."

"Maybe making out for a few minutes would help us figure things out."

"Stop saying things that make me want to kiss the hell out of you."

[muselixer]

i will be adding reblogs of other inbox memes and musings (mostly the former) to my queue, to keep this blog a little more active in-between my own posts. just giving my followers a heads up! <3 mwah

[muselixer]

dumb things my friends and I have said: 2024!

part four: october - december apologies ahead of time for length! feel free to change pronouns if need be. warning for foul and dirty language, suggestiveness, and capslock-implied yelling :)

"They come when I'm ready."

"I'll come up. I gotta get wood."

"I think they will really like my shaft."

"I need you to help me take my pants off."

"Oh my god, guys! We're just like Snoop Dogg!"

"I don't care if they DNA test it! They're not gonna know how many toes were in the bathwater!"

"Fuck you. I'm un-circumcising your PushPop."

"That's okay, it happens to the best of us. And the worst of us. That's why Hitler happened."

"THEY WON'T GIVE ME HIS FORESKIN."

"THEY HAVE FORESKIN ON ETSY?"

"THAT IS A CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE HORSE."

"Take a tampon, soak it in vodka, and shove it up your cooch."

"You put pepper on your thumb, and then sniff it, and then sneeze the whole time. It's really fun."

"Hi, I have a question. Please be nice to me, I failed college."

"I totally get being scared to pull out."

"That's called childhood trauma. That's called cold pizza."

"Can we stop flirting in the gay bathroom?"

"Dawg, I have so much coffee in my coffee."

"I don't know if I've whipped you before."

"I DON'T NEED THERAPY, I NEED TO WIN."

"If they showed up in real life, the asexuality would leave my body."

"Have you ever had a food so good?"

"Do you think there are emotional prostitutes out there?"

"I feel like I'm floating, but if the floating was evil."

"They look like that cat meme with the eyebrow. Wait, don't tell them I said that."

"Pull up to the date like... Kachow."

"A SECOND TRAIN HAS HIT THE INTERSECTION."

"Don't look at me like that. You look like a hand-drawn frowny face."

"In terms of hitting, this chicken's kind of a pacifist."

"TECHNICALLY, Mary cheated on Joseph with God."

"Oh, I'm sorry, am I being too manly? In my little manly sweater? In my little sweater that everyone likes?"

"Topdog? What's topdog? I'm a hands-on learner by the way."

"Paleontologists don't seek dinosaur bones just to fuck a dinosaur."

"I'm fina going to leave the group chat."

"Tell her a washboard is only 20 bucks at the hardware store, since clearly she doesn't want a washer."

"I already know your fuck head drinks Pepsi."

"Let's grasp it together, fellow idiot."

"Is he a couch fucker?"

"Do you have any proof that you don't fuck tape?"

"Please do not fuck the gutter pipe."

"This implies Christ is a chicken."

"You could kill me as an act of bullying and I wouldn't care."

"It'd be kinda fucked up if there wasn't any garlic in the garlic dressing."

"You guys are like what sitcoms think siblings are."

"If I want to get pegged by a cowboy, do I have to cut off his dick and give him a strap?"

"Are you a peg-ologist, by chance?"

"That's how you know this was organized by a straight man. You gotta come too early."

"Do you think Jesus gages his hand holes?"

"I hate to fat shame a letter, but..."

"No, you're not! O, Q, and D are fine! G is just doing something weird with its body!"

[muselixer]

dumb things my friends and I have said: 2024!

part three: july - september apologies ahead of time for length! feel free to change pronouns if need be. warning for foul and dirty language, suggestiveness, and capslock-implied yelling :)

"Do you wanna access my tiddies?"

"I'm not gonna lie, I really like the cum hat."

"I need to respect pronouns so bad right now."

"About to be posted up on the toilet seat."

"I should stop doing that 'cause I need to be in you the whole time."

"I'm on a cocktail of ibuprofen, Claritin D, and cough medicine, and I don't feel like a person, but let's get this bread."

"Of course Montana is debt free, bears don't get welfare."

"The baby was in the balloon?"

"And he has a gun, for the gender reveal!"

"Of course it's boring and weird. This party was basically put together by dementia grandma and her incel grandsons."

"I'm like a cactus."

"Adderall? More like... subtracterall. 'Cause it subtracts the ADHD."

"Alcohol is a scam to make me pee more."

"Is he about to kill me over my m&m preferences?"

"I'm kinda serving fallopian right now."

"Oh, uh, I gotta go fold my goldfish."

"What if we were the lemon stealing whores we found along the way?"

"No lesbians in the cookies."

"I'm just gonna chill with my balls on the windowsill."

"Your ass is not responsible for their skill issue."

"Don't forget your chlamydia. Whatever the fuck it's called."

"I should take my roomba to go see that."

"Whole Foods has Original Sin."

"I think there was an AI that learns how to fight... And a little chair that flies around. Then a destroyed house."

"And remember: 'strap' is just 'parts' backwards."

"Unfortunately, there is no vore in Rocky Horror."

"If you ever can't focus... eat dick."

"The code's so hard I made him piss rocks!"

"YOU FUCKING ROBLOX CUBE."

"Can we talk about the cockroach fucker again?"

"Use teeth if you're not a coward."

"I'd be hlashing my fucking flazzards."

"HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO SNORT SODA?"

[muselixer]

dumb things my friends and I have said: 2024!

part two: april - june apologies ahead of time for length! feel free to change pronouns if need be. warning for foul and dirty language, suggestiveness, and capslock-implied yelling :)

"I feel like my body's had a check engine light on since I was 13."

"I'm gonna turn that man into a candle."

"Give me back the hot milkmen."

"My depression is a machine that turns rejection into malfunction."

"HE IS NOT JUST A BALL."

"And maybe he doesn't need to be so depressed all the time if he can do drugs."

"Can't get a woman? Become a commie!"

"Okay, god complex, you can kick back in now."

"WHY HE GOT AN ASS?!"

"Sorry. I had a moment of unclarity."

"Maybe the real friends were the delusions we had along the way."

"That French toast kicked my ass. I never thought I would lose a fight to a Frenchman."

"This is great. I'm covered in rice."

"What I'd do to go down on a bag of chips right now..."

"Fuck you, eat your pizza bone-in."

"Why were you cooking mac and cheese shirtless."

"THIS LAND IS FULL COCAINE."

"Cold. Nocturnal. Will bite you. I am a vampire."

"IF YOU LEAVE ME HERE TO DIE, I'M SENDING AN EMAIL."

"You live in the living room. You dead in the deading room."

"How do you ACCIDENTALLY learn a little too much about lobotomies?"

"What if the anesthesiologist took some of my spinal fluid and tasted it?"

"Who the fuck cares about the law? I brought you to a fucking dimension."

"My fuckin balls are full of bugs."

"Sorry, did you just quote TED BUNDY?"

"Send him to the cuck tent. Send him to the tent of cuckoldry."

"Life is a soap opera and I am nothing more than an observer."

"Am I horny, or do I just really have to piss?"

"I feel like a broom."

"They really want the kids to grow up and do the lord's work... pound fireball shots until they barf."

"You are whatever slur I call you."

"When my hair is wet, THEN you can yell at me. It's MY autism, okay?"

"Hey, can I manhandle your tits real quick?"

"Woke up goated with the sauce this morning. If goated was mildly hungover, and the sauce was ColourPop Disco Lady glitter."

[muselixer]

dumb things my friends and I have said: 2024!

part one: january - march apologies ahead of time for length! feel free to change pronouns if need be. warning for foul and dirty language, suggestiveness, and capslock-implied yelling :)

"I think [hometown] dirt would taste better than the dirt here because it contains a level of lead I've grown used to."

"Incorrect. I am not a mother fucker. I have never fucked a mother."

"Your authoritarianism is quite insatiable."

"He absolutely pulls his limbs off for funsies."

"There's a Pope in the road again!"

"Get a tramp stamp that says 'this is no place for a horse'."

"Have you perhaps considered experiencing natural sunlight? No I'm genuinely asking."

"Everybody wants to see Santa's cock and balls!"

"I think calling physical food in front of you "cuisine" is incorrect."

"Hey Google, unshit my jorts."

"DON'T MAKE ME WHIP OUT MY VAGINA HOLE."

"Ayo, what them balls do, king?"

"It goes hard in a hard way."

"THIS DUDE FARPIN' FOR TWENTY DOLLARS."

"I'll be there in Sprite."

"Get all this Jesus outta the way so I can eat my dinner!"

"With my luck, it could be raining titties, and I'd still look up and catch a dick."

"You must be smoking chicken fried dick if you think I give a chicken fried fuck."

"It is ready for gripping at all times. ...That's what she said!"

"I want that fucking twink in a blender."

"Aw hell nah, they used my boy as a plot device!"

"I meant, as to the condition of the Italian."

"Gimme some of that peepee in the mouth."

"Tell her that her son is cringe."

"A scallop is like a brother to me."

"I blame your astigmatism on your brother."

"She got a cooch like Grand Central Station."

"I BET YOUR PICKLES AREN'T EVEN CRISP."

"Yes, I am a little stupid. It's part of my charm."

"There's a specific kind of white boy that I would... you know."

"Man, don't do this to me. I'm gonna get sads in my ramen."

"Wow, okay, orphan. Who killed YOUR dad?"

"Hell yeah, let me power that rock, daddy."

"Keep sniffing me and I'll peg you."

"I'd get MY interior designed, if you know what I'm saying."

"I think I just get possessed by Chad the frat guy."

"He's what the color lime smells like."

"Can't hear you. Too busy barking."

"...I didn't wanna have to be homophobic today."

"Yehowdy, y'all should vote for me, Mayor Weenis."

"One man complained about the viagra commercial because he was having sex for five hours straight."

"I was busy fighting math."

"I am like a horse. I will not elaborate."

"PICK UP YOUR TITTIES BY YOUR BRA STRAPS."

"Sometimes I hate you and your stupid nipples."

"We have to do super-blow in the hospital."

"The highway to Hell has guard rails!"

[muselixer]

dumb things my friends and I have said: 2023!

part four: october - december apologies ahead of time for length! feel free to change pronouns if need be. warning for foul and dirty language, suggestiveness, and capslock-implied yelling :)

"There's a monster crab rave at the bottom of the express way."

"Sexual liberation leads to bondage."

"Oh, so when the flowers hear the bees, they cum a little bit in their jeans?"

"You're not allowed to milk me, dude."

"YOUR SOUL'S BEEN KILLERED!"

"I use Notepad for object permanence."

"I hope Walgreens didn't have anything you were looking for. Bitch."

"Forgot about touching grass. Eat it. Eat the grass. Fucking eat the grass."

"Should I fuck around, or do you think I'd find out?"

"I think the cat's gonna do some shit."

"WE NEED MORE SPEED! CUT OFF YOUR DICK!"

"Memories are stored in the tits."

"I'm watching the fruitiest movie known to man. Megamind."

"I pity-fuck the guy and then he learns fourth level spells!"

"It's a sacred dark art I like to call 'scaring the hoes'."

"That made my pussy drop."

"I can't think after I finish."

"Who would've thought my canon event would be cancer."

"Life is a tornado, and I'm a cow for comedic effect."

"Don't ask me, I didn't take one. Ask the one who bote into it."

"Wipeout feels like a liminal space."

"I'M SUCKING YOUR FEET."

"Quick. Get Weird Al on the horn."

"I got fucking thigh-gapped in ARMA."

"SLING HIM, BOYS."

"Wait, did the 'bruh' button come back? UGGHHHH."

"You're gonna look at a depressed millennial and tell me they're NOT gonna be interested in a dilf? You're wrong."

"Oh, yeah, let me just drink grog like a thirteenth century pirate."

"Okay. We now have cock back."

"Oh, look, the bottoms are in the voice chat together."

"If you die in Ohio you die in real life."

"You're not the community boyfriend. You're the community bottom."

"The Amazon parking lot is an outdoor liminal space."

"Dick come out frame sixteen. That shit retractable."

"GET SEPSIS BITCH, THEN WE'LL TALK."

"There can only be one wittle guy in this house. AND IT'S ME."

"I know you're staring at his hand. You sicko."

"So for New Year's, instead of getting drunk, I ate a whole tub of dairy and gassed my wife out of the bed."