musings-of-a-broken-man

[musings-of-a-broken-man]

"Broken Heart - A LEGO Haiku" - on display at BrickCon in Bellevue, WA this weekend (Sept. 7 & 8)

[musings-of-a-broken-man]

One Big Joke

The more time passes, the more I wonder if this whole thing was just an elaborate practical joke she played on me.

Find a sucker. Contact him online. Be everything that he's looking for so he falls in love with you. When he tells you he's fallen in love with you, tell him that you love him, too. Appear to be his best friend. Talk with him every day. Keep this up for months.

Eventually become bored with the whole thing, and don't talk to him for five days, then tell him that your husband discovered the relationship, and now you can no longer contact him (or respond to him).

The horrible and paranoid parts of me suggested that this might have been her plan a couple of months ago, and now it seems so much more likely than her actually having had feelings for me.

I'd like to count up how many times she said, "I love you" to me, and then have somebody put that many bullets in my head. I really, really would.

[musings-of-a-broken-man]

Hit and Run

She's a good person. I know she is. For instance, if she were to hit someone with her car, I know that she'd stop and check on the person. Make sure they were okay, call an ambulance if necessary. I know this about her.

And yet...

On March 6th, she sent me a (belated) email letting me know that she would no longer be communicating with me. So basically, she emotionally ran me over with her car. But in this case, instead of stopping, she just drove on. In fact, I'm pretty sure she sped up.

I've reached out a couple of times with questions. Trying to find some kind of closure. But I'm only ever met with silence. Her absence from my life has completely broken me. Does she not care? I have no idea.

[musings-of-a-broken-man]

Phobia

I've always had a horrible amputation phobia. The thought of losing a body part horrifies me, and creeps into the worst of my nightmares.

Then I met her, and allowed her to become part of me. And then I lost her.

This is so much worse than any nightmare about losing an arm or a leg. So much worse.

[musings-of-a-broken-man]

What I Want To Have Happen

I am human and therefore selfish. So what I want is for her to divorce her husband and then reconnect with me.

That doesn't seem likely, however. So, if I can't get what I really want, then I want her husband's discovery of our friendship/more-than-friendship to have served as a wake-up-call for him, causing him to treat her the way she deserves and in doing so, repairing their marriage. Because even if I can't be happy, I desperately want her to be.

[musings-of-a-broken-man]

Our Story (Short Version)

We met on Reddit. She contacted me. We flirted. She was upfront about being married. I asked if her marriage was open (it wasn't) or if she had permission to play (she didn't). I'm not sure either of us knew exactly what we were doing.

I fell in love with her. She told me that she was in love with me. It was like we had been specifically created for the other. We chatted for hours every day.

We met in person once. But our relationship was mostly through Reddit chat.

After two months of me being in love and happy, her husband discovered that I existed and that his wife and I had been talking. He apparently forbade her from contacting me again.

I had two months of happiness. That's apparently all I got.

Her absence from my life has completely broken me.

I'm not sure what the point of this Tumblr is (or will be).

I just know that I'd really rather be dead than be without her.

[musings-of-a-broken-man]

Questions for puddle

This is not an attempt to reopen communications. (I desperately want that to happen, but that's not what this is.) Today has been an absolutely horrible day for me - one more piece of straw than my camel's back was rated for. I have to have some answers. (Or self-terminate. Or something. I don't know.)

So: Questions. In pseudo-chronological order...

Why was he snooping on your computer in the first place?

What all does he know?

How much trouble are you in? (How much back then and how much now?)

Are WG and DM aware of the situation?

Did you ever get an actual diagnosis for that thing that I thought might be low blood sugar?

Have you abandoned Reddit?

Do you ever think about me or have I been flushed completely from your brain by now?

Are you continuing to go through the material on the flash drive?

Since March, I've been sitting here waiting for your situation to change and you to come back to me. On a scale of 1 to 10, how stupid am I for this?

And finally, just in general, how have you been?