my-dearest-forest

[my-dearest-forest]

A drug dealer, a frat boy, and a varsity athlete walk into a bar

the girl who would do anything to see any of them smile tries to convince herself that one day, if she is lucky, she will be loved as much as she has loved

[my-dearest-forest]

"Casual"

I cant do casual

Im not built for stumble down the block into my room at 2 am only for you to leave at 4

Not created for sleeping back to back hands too tired to wander to find eachother

Cant handle half eye contact from across sober rooms and unspoken stares in drunk ones

Incapable of not falling for you as I stare into your eyes, hands tangled into your hair

Im built for stumbling out of bed in the morning to brush our teeth together

Created for sleeping so tangled in eachother you cant help but wake up to kiss my forehead

Holding hidden hands in sober rooms and each other in drunk ones, friends be damned

Capable of being subtle, but my hands still tracing your waist when passing in hallways

I will never be good at pretending "we’re just friends" and nothing more, and I never have been

I am made to play with your hair while talking with our friends, 

created to share every glass of water I drink with you

Giggling like a schoolgirl when you text me

Definitely not locked in or subtle

- Apr 14 2025, 10 am, when i should be studying for my final in 3 hours

[my-dearest-forest]

i did your laundry every weekend

i knew which shirts couldnt go in the dryer

i cant write a poem bigger than that

[my-dearest-forest]

no revenge

no revenge because as you come to sit across from me at the cafeteria and ask me if anything is new i get to look into the eyes ive missed so dearly with the sun radiating back out of them

and you ask how dodgeball was, the words “hows the frat you hang out with” begging to tumble off your tongue

instead you tell me about your dodgeball experience freshman year and i tell you about my new job, that very accidentally is in the same town as yours. i tell you a bit too rushed for it to be casual, but you pretend not to notice.

and as you ask me if anything is new again, right after asking about the frat, i get to change the topic to me running 5km in under 30 minutes and watch you process your regret

i get to watch you eat your words from years ago as i eat calmly my omelette

back when i told you i used to run, i just stopped because of puberty, you didnt believe me. And now when i remind you again you laugh and look slightly down and i know exactly what your picturing

and then watch you realize you dont have the right to picture it

so as we talk about finals and our plans for the last bit of school, me mentioning my rave, your first question is if its with the frat

and your second is if “anything is new”

a question youve asked probably 4 times now

and i realize something,

youre jealous

and by just living my life ive gotten the best revenge i couldve ever dreamed for

April 6, 1:40

[my-dearest-forest]

i still have dreams of us laughing and you loving me and you tracing the lines on my face with your thumb

they feel so real i could cry

[my-dearest-forest]

and slowly, very slowly,

6 months slowly to be exact,

edmonton became no longer synonymous with your name

i began to run again, because it made me feel good

i danced in the same bars you turned 18 in, but with my friends i wouldnt trade for the world

and as if the fates were apologizing for taking you away from me, i re-experienced how i wished my freshman year was

coming home late, tipsy, collapsing into bed to read

staying out whenever i want

giggling with my roommates until my body aches

flirting with frat boys and sorority girls

rushing to make last call instead of wifi cut offs

my nights ending with my favourite songs in lieu of the skype disconnect sound

and while i wouldnt trade anything with you for the world

i am eternally grateful i can call this campus my own (minus of course the butterdome and lister, ill leave you with something)

[my-dearest-forest]

liam requested to follow carson on instagram as a joke which caused me to go through carsons old photos and i guess he learnt how to delete just one photo from a post and took down the selfies of just us recently lol

i checked not that long ago and his instagram still looked exactly as it did when we were together like a fucked up time capsule

i guess its time we started erasing memories, we’ve been broken up longer than we’ve been together (by less than a week)

feb 3rd 12:21 am

[my-dearest-forest]

no revenge because one day you’ll realize that i would have done anything for you

and you will realize this as i live 15 minutes away in the city you grew up in, but it will be too late and as if i lived across an ocean

no revenge because one day you’ll realize what you lost, just like the rest have done and told me

and you will realize this as i am sitting in front of a fire with someone who realized what he HAD, before it was too late

[my-dearest-forest]

I may not be at camp anymore

but thats okay

because im in the city Viper convinced me i would love

that Biggus helped me move into

in a shirt i stole from Oracle

wearing my chameleon necklace right underneath my sun necklace that matches Zipper and Underburnt

listening to music Elf introduced me to

about to go put on the socks Underburnt bought me

looking at the raccoon Mouse gave me

grabbing the toque i stole from Ullr

to go work on the schoolwork i could only do because Cuda helped me with my homework

plotting what bar to take Radioactive to once he turns 18 next year

grabbing my computer that has a sticker of me and Milkis on it

that has a file on it for Mystique’s, Mothra’s, and Underburnt’s grad gift

and passing photos of everyone else on the way

so maybe i’m not at camp anymore

but thats okay

because its still all around me

[my-dearest-forest]

how am i supposed to just smile at you when i pass you on your runs when i used to be woken up to the smell of your shampoo and your smile after track practice

how am i supposed to just wave at you in the hallway and stare back at the same hand that used to hold mine

how am i supposed to just watch how your body shifts during out conversation when i used to fall asleep to how you shift in your sleep

how am i supposed to see you standing there in front of me breathing when i used to match your breaths to calm myself down

how am i supposed to treat you like a stranger when i knew what your heartbeat sounded like better than my own, knew what every different twitch in your sleep meant, hear your tics so often they because a part of my subconscious, know you better than everyone, know youve seen every inch of me metaphorically and not, and used to see my entire future when i looked into your eyes

how can i see you 20 feet away from me every few days and not have spoken to you in person in weeks now

[my-dearest-forest]

you taught me how to love myself

so how on earth can i ever stop loving you

everyone says there was happiness before him and there will be happiness after

but before you i had next to no self respect and was surviving, yes, but rarely thriving

and now we are 5 days shy of the end of November and ive only had one breakdown (over school work), havent fainted since October (at least), and have started running every day (except the past few from my concussion)

so thank you for the lovely curse of loving myself being so intertwined with how i tried to love you

i guess i did still have some firsts after all these years, and im so glad they were with you

- B

[my-dearest-forest]

im drunk on your track

at 11:11

with my feet off the floor

without you

why are you now the one far away?

maybe if i follow your wish habits theyll finally come true

[my-dearest-forest]

my mom keeps joking that she doesnt think its fully over between us seaweed brain

and told my that this seems like the start to a great coming of age love story with the whole highschool sweethearts ish grown up to university

(i get it now toms idk how you deal with this)

[my-dearest-forest]

you loved me like a country song

he loved me like hozier

ive never been good at defining my music taste

[my-dearest-forest]

i have space for all 3 of them in my heart

evans been there long enough hes built a small cabin, hidden deep in the woods where i know he’s safe but he has his own space

carson has a tent on the edge of the woods looking at the clearing, somewhere comfortable enough to stay long term but maybe not forever, and he keeps slowly gathering materials to build his cabin and walks further into the woods, while debating building a ladder

but thomas is standing in the middle of the field wether its raining for sunny screaming up at me to not close off my heart, he has everything to build a cabin tucked away scattered around him but he refuses to move away from me

[my-dearest-forest]

i can never admit it because then it will be my fault if you do it, but a part of me dreams you applied here just in case, or as a surprise

[my-dearest-forest]

“she can be really overwhelming at times”

you were the first person i felt actually loved me and i finally felt safe to need somebody

im sorry

i tried to be less

thank you for healing me as much as you did