my-next-breath

[my-next-breath]

When you are as complex as I am, regardless of the fact I've worked hard and keep trying, people keep finding me too hard. They don't want to come near. Just use my kindness, let me offer them the shirt off my back, then turn away. I wish it was just me. But then I have complex kids. Kids I don't get a break from. Kids I have to take care of everything for. Just me, myself and I.

Lately I can't even take care of myself. The house is trashed. Dishes and washing don't get done. I have no appetite anymore. I make the kids think I'm eating so they will.

I made a huge mistake. I thought I'd found someone who accepted me and was ok about the fact my kids aren't exactly normal. We got on so very well. Actually I said that and he just agreed. He used all the right words and I believed him. I wanted regular communication and phone calls, he wants happiness and someone present. But when I tried to make time for him there was always something. I told him I'd wait, and he seemed surprised. I thought it was cause of his low self esteem, now I see it was because he had tried to use it to let me down and make me go away. I thought I was being clear and obvious, I thought he knew I was going to fall in love with him. But it seems I gave the last fragile piece of my heart away to someone who didn't actually want it.

This was my finally straw. I've been trying to be a good enough parent to not mess up my kids too much, but they don't respect me or even seem to need or want me. It was my birthday and they did nothing. They couldn't even acknowledge it. In fact I took them out to see a movie they wanted to see.

So that's it then. Since no one needs or wants or respects me, they won't be sad when I don't come back. My heart has been broken too many times. I've been used and taken for granted too many times. I've not been taken seriously too many time. Well I know what to do now and I'll have the time to do it so the kids are looked after.

All I wanted was someone to talk to me everyday and ask how I was without me having to do it first all the time. And someone to spend time with and do things, go out and have fun and enjoy life. Everything about my life has been haunted demons. I bet she will feel so happy with herself to know she's won. Of course she will put on all the fake tears because she has to appear the grieving mother, she will make it all about her and do everything to have as much attention as she can get. Let her have the attention. I hope it stand her in the heart and kills her because she does not deserve to live. Her words are vile and nasty. I can't believe yet again I fell for the trap of receiving her degrading words against me. At least I won't have to hear them or worry about them anymore. I hope someone finds this and tells her what a horrible person she is. I don't even want to call her mother. It makes me sick to be related to her. Hope she does knowing her nasty words killed her own daughter.

[my-next-breath]

Can everyone please start growing up or piss off? I'm sick of being fuckboyed.

All I want is some attention, be looked after a little, be cared about and feel safe.

Trust me to work me out when the whole world decides it's better to run from your problems and use people for sex.

I hate this world. I wish I didn't have to be here.

[my-next-breath]

“When someone leaves you once, you expect it to happen again. Eventually you stop getting close enough to people to let them become important to you, because then you don’t notice when they drop of your world.”

— Jodi Picoult, Leaving Time

[my-next-breath]

I think I'm ready to give up.

I have no will to want to go on. I am constantly numb. I cannot live fighting and just surviving for four people on my own anymore.

I want to scream and cry at the same time, but I can't do either. I want to be hurt so people will take me seriously.

I don't want my children to be left to the devices of this shitty world filled with horrible people.

I'm the square peg when there are only round holes.

I've been too badly hurt and traumatised, used and abused. I've tried to stand up for myself but all its got me is more alienation and believing spectacular liars.

I've given so many people too many chances. Yet here I am, still doing it alone. No one wants to give me a chance. I'm not even good enough to be anyone's priority.

They're all missing out because I have so much to give and I'm totally worth being given priority. But I'm done trying to make people see, to get people to be my friends, to give me any level of consistency and priority.

A few say they would miss me, but they never have time for me and when I need someone they're conveniently not there and busy. This last month I've lost the last little pieces of hope and trust I had left.

Friends take ages to reply and always have more important things with other people. Family are full of hurtful words and shallow excuses. A deadly virus means it's it's almost impossible to get appointments with my therapists.

There is nothing left here for me. I'm unloved, unwanted, used and taken for granted. Life has lost all significance.

[my-next-breath]

[my-next-breath]

How am I meant to keep going? I fight to be ok and keep going day in and day out. The demons are playing in my mind, threading deeper and darker, slowly overtaking. I can't take this anymore. I want to scream. I want to curl up in bed and cry. I want to fade away into the night where no one will see. No path to follow. Because no one is watching. No one will follow. They don't need to find me because no one will know I'm gone.

I'm sick of trying to make friends with shallow people who lie to me. All I want is to be cared about. To be someone's a little bit of priority. I need a hug. I need forehead kisses and hand squeezes. But I'm not quite good enough.

I'm the one they say deserves the best. The one that will find it - when I stop looking, just around the corner, when I least expect it. The problem is, now I'm dead inside and I just want the outside to meet me there. I don't want to fight anymore. I give up. Let me go and fade into the night. Clearly all those words I am constantly called cannot be true. Beauty is a curse. I want to give it all up. I'm done.

Goodbye world.

[my-next-breath]

Do I have a flashing sign above my head?

Use me, abuse me

Don't listen to what I'm saying

Treat me like dirt

I don't really mean what I say

I'm just so sick of it.

I can't trust anyone.

Everyone keeps showing me that I'm not important and I mean nothing.

I'm sick of trying for me, for my kids, for the people around me.

Worthless. That's me. Someone should do me a favour and take me out.

I have my plan. I know what to do. But I don't have the guts. I also don't have a choice. Please. Anyone. I want to die.

[my-next-breath]

I'm not doing ok. And I'm too scared to be completely honest with anyone about it.

I feel like my ability to love and be love has been destroyed.

I seriously thought I was over him. Blocking me was the best thing he did for me. But popping up again, becoming accessible another way - he's started creeping back in. Yesterday I had to go through the city and the suburb where he works twice. And I found myself thinking about him. My heart starting to slip a little again. I've been strong. I've not used this new opportunity to contact him, and I'm absolutely not intending to. Because that's the sad thing. His game relies on me going to him. He would never make the effort to come to me.

And then we come to the guy who I was falling for because for the first time I was actually being heard. I was being reassured that me as I am is ok. That I am nice. That I am likable. I was feeling so good. Being around him was like an addiction. But then he decided he wasn't ready to let anyone into his life. We're both complicated and I was ok with that. But he found it too much. I was too kind, too accepting. Maybe he was waiting for me to react and not be ok. But that's not who I am. It's hurting me to not be able to talk to him and see him. I hope he will let me back in, but reality is, he probably won't and I need to deal with that.

I've been such an emotional rollercoaster lately with so much going on. And all I want is for someone to give me a little time. To give me a hug. To let me cry. I want someone's arms to sleep in. I'm sick of my guards and fighting so hard. I want to feel safe. I feel like I don't know how much longer I can keep this up for. I don't want to but I don't have a choice.

[my-next-breath]

https://iglovequotes.net/

[my-next-breath]

“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.”

— Mother Teresa (via thoughtkick)

[my-next-breath]

The start of dating is meant to be cute and attentive. Having fun. Wanting to see each other. Texting miss you. But when you're both complex apparently that's not how things go. I mean yeah it's my fault for dropping my life bombshell. But just because his is in your face obvious doesn't mean mine isn't real because its invisible.

This is so freaking hard and it's downright killing me.

[my-next-breath]

I got through the night. I'm not as panicked and anxious today. But I miss you. I want to talk to you. To see you. We were meant to hang out this morning. Now I'll have to do my usual walking alone at the beach, except the weather is cold and miserable, so I'm not going to enjoy it.

Even more so because the fire burning within me is from you. You have tried to give me reassurance. I've started to work past my inbuilt reactions and trying to hold on to the words you've given me. But it's so hard. I've been so badly hurt by lies. So please don't take too long to process, because this is really hard on me. And my weekend to be able to have some sort of a life has once again been ruined because no one wanted to spend time with or see me. I'm so sick of being insignificant.

Thinking of you makes me smile. Talking about you makes me grin from ear to ear and shed a little tear because you are so amazing through your adversity. I wish people saw me like that. But no one sees you trying hard when they can't see what's wrong with you.

I'm trying hard to allow you your time and space. But please don't take too long. I'm slowly breaking and falling apart here. But I'm not interested in anyone else. So I've just lost all sense of hope because I'm too scared to put my hope on you coming back. I want you to come back to me more than anything, but my brain is telling me you'll realise I'm too hard and complicated and leave just like everyone else.

[my-next-breath]

I thought when you met someone you could just have fluttery butterflies and sweet kisses and giggles of happiness. I had that for 4 hours with you. Seeing your reality of how your world looks didn't scare or phase me, something I'm sure you don't get often. You're scare to let people in and I'm scared to trust. Great combination we are. But I also know there is something pretty special about you. You have the things I'm looking for in a person. I don't care about looks. I don't care that your legs don't work properly. Because I know I need what's on the inside, and boy you have it.

So please come back. Because I think I will hate myself if I said too much too soon. I just wanted to level the playing field. I worked out what was going on for you and then told you I had. So it only seemed fair to let you do the same for me.

I've made some dumb mistakes. But I'm really hoping I haven't made the biggest mistake of my life. Because so far in 40 years I think you're the best thing I've come across apart from my kids.

[my-next-breath]

I have borderline personality disorder, but I'm also a massive empath.

I crave acceptance, but no one accepts me.

I had worked so hard to being ok with me and being alone. But this virus has eaten away at me. I'm no longer ok. I've become so desperate to be accepted by anyone, for anyone to want to spend time with me, that I will do anything and accept any behaviour again.

I'm so ashamed. All the hard work and I'm back to where I began. I'm turning people away or being used because people can see right through me.

In fact I'm hurting so much, so numb, that I've pulled away from everyone. The extrovert is becoming a hermit.

But today I recognised all those thoughts in one therapy session. So that's got to be a step forward right?

[my-next-breath]

“Imagine being with someone where it’s safe enough to just talk for hours about your fears and the things you’re ashamed of … Imagine …”

— Unknown

[my-next-breath]

I just keep fucking up. I keep choosing the wrong people.

I just want to be accepted. I want to mean enough to at least one person that I don't have to work so hard to feel like I'm important. To have someone want to make time for me because they like me.

I've chosen a favourite person because she gets me. She gets me because we have the same mental health condition. She got out of a bad situation and a few months later was in another relationship, a common trait and problem. But I've been single for 2&1/2 years and that has been so hard. I've grown and come so far. But it seems I let a toxic idiot under my skin and I got so attached I stupidly kept letting him back in. He's retraumatised me so many times. It's ruined me. And now I can't work out good from bad or what I need or what I want.

I'm so hurt. I'm so angry. I'm so bitter. I'm making bad impulsive choices. I'm so sad and lonely and desperate. I just keep ending up here because I'm not good enough.

And now my favourite person is saying I'm taking the pain from the toxic guy out on everyone else. But I actually think they're red flags. This is so hard and so confusing. I'm sick of doing my life alone.

I don't want to be here anymore. I'm sick of fighting my life.

[my-next-breath]

The fight in my head is loud.

I want to give up. I want everything to stop.

I'm sick of feeling like a toy, or that I'm not quite good enough, or that I'm being unreasonable.

I just want to be accepted for who I am. I want to love and be loved back, fairly, in return. They tell me that it exists and it is possible. But all I see to find is liars of differing degrees.

But the lie that ended today pushed me so close to the edge. I don't even know how much was real and true and how much was a lie. But I know I was unfairly taken advantage of yet again. What he has done to me has ruined me. But at the same time saved me. He won't make the effort even if he wants to. And he has taken away the last possible way for me to contact him. It feel like he ripped my heart out and trod on it.

But I was made aware yesterday just how bad he has been for me, continuing to traumatise me as he lied and took advantage of the fact I wanted to be accepted. So as much as it hurts, he's done me a favour.

On top of all that, it was mother's day. Again my children didn't see the need to acknowledge me or show me appreciation and made my day horrible. Not to mention, I am unable to celebrate my own mother because she is a toxic abusive person that is not safe for me to have a relationship with, let alone lean on.