my-thoughts-are-so-loud

[my-thoughts-are-so-loud]

Spilling my thoughts/feelings, not looking for anything. I’ve just never heard someone speak on this experience before, so if anyone has ever delt with this as well, know that you aren’t alone in your pain.

TW: depression & self-destruction ideation

I’m not sure what this emotion is, I just have the strong urge to speak about it. When I was in middle school I found out that I was supposed to be a twin, but their heart stopped beating while in the womb, and they were absorbed. I know my parents were probably just trying to protect me, but I wish they’d talked about them from the beginning, instead of me overhearing a conversation and finding out on my own. That also didn’t help the depression I was slowly sinking into, as it gave me something to latch onto.

During middle school and high school and into college and still sometimes to this day, I feel shame and like I’m a waste of life. I don’t want to self-destruct myself, and I no longer wish harm on myself as my life has finally started to change for the better. But growing up, it affected me a lot.

I live in wonder, like what it would be like to have that sort of partner for life. I wonder, would I be me or would I be better or worse? Would they have been better than me? Would they have excelled in life better than I? Would this life have been more worthy of them rather than me? Am I a waste of this chance at life? Should I have been the one whose heart couldn’t make it? Sometimes I feel so unworthy of being here, I’ve messed up constantly and I can’t seem to reach my goals when I work hard. My brain will fixate on my failures, with its reasoning behind it being the guilt of living while they never existed. I don’t want to say it’s survivor’s guilt because that feels disrespectful to those who’ve lived through that kind of trauma, I just don’t know another way to describe the feeling.

The weight of knowing there could have been someone else when I fail makes me feel worse. I don’t want to play the victim throughout my life, but I don’t think others understand how deeply rooted my inner criticism is because there could have been someone else instead of me.

Sometimes I feel this need to live life for the both of us, since they never got a chance at life, I should live mine to the fullest for the both of us. But sometimes that feels so toxic. Like, if I’m not doing enough then I’m unworthy and disrespecting the one who never got to live.

After spending many years in therapy, I’ve learned the need for rest is necessary for progress. I think that’s why the yin/yang symbol has always been so important to me. Ever since I was young, and found out about my twin, I’ve felt the strong urge to get a tattoo of the symbol. Not only because of its twin symbolism but because of how I want to live my life. It’s important to live life fully, but that doesn’t mean running myself into the ground and overstimulating my brain. It’s fine to be sad and think about a life where they were here with me, but I can’t let myself spiral into feeling like a failure and unworthy. Life is full of sadness, but the good in life would never feel as sweet without the pain I’ve felt. We don’t wish for pain in life, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t regret it either.

“You must never give in to despair. Allow yourself to slip down that road, and you surrender to your lowest instincts. In the darkest times, hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of inner strength.” - Iroh