my-truth-is-my-truth

[my-truth-is-my-truth]

My First

There is nothing like a first to shape you into the human you are now. First love, first time, first heartbreak. For me, that was Jake. This will likely be more than one story and lesson, but I don’t think there was a more influential person in my life that taught me about love. I thank god for him to this day. 

He was the captain of the lacrosse team. Every girl wanted him, but until me he was unattainable. I remember that first time we hung out, he had picked me up in his car and we were going to shoot together. Well, one thing led to another and we ended up talking in the grass, face to face, and that’s where my first love began. He kissed me and from that moment on I was completely his. He was kind, funny, athletic, and oh so so attractive to me. We were inseparable from that moment forward. He truly was my first true love. He taught me what it meant to give myself entirely to someone. Body, mind, and soul. He taught me to love myself and be completely secure in my own skin. Something I had struggled with for some time in high school. My self-esteem with him was unbreakable. He was the best thing to ever happen to me until he wasn’t. 

I really thought I was going to marry him.

He was a year older than me and got a scholarship to play lacrosse in Washington DC at a prestigious university. I pressed him to do long distance, but I could sense that he was questioning our love those weeks before he left for school. The night before he would be leaving for college, we said our goodbyes early. He told me he was going to bed early so he could be ready for the long trip. I believed him.

I went to hang out with my friends and keep my mind off how sad I was about him leaving. That’s when I passed his car at another girls house. I had never felt my anxiety spike like it did in that moment. That was my first panic attack.

I blew up his phone, no answer. So instead of going home, crying, and being pathetic, I took off the tiffany necklace he had gotten me with our relationship dates on it and attached it to his car door. I cut open the glow sticks I had gotten from the party I was at and spread them all over his car as one last fuck you. My last text before I blocked him was “check your car door”

I’ll never forget how badass I felt at that moment. 

Then I went home and cried in my driveway so that my mom didn’t see lol (pathetic).  

Long story short, I unblocked him a few hours later and he begged for forgiveness, which I gave him and we continued our relationship for another year and a half where he proceeded to break my heart for a second time over the phone after Christmas break my sophomore year of college. 

Lessons learned. 

I still have love for him. I always will. He taught me how great relationships can be when they are stable and committed. He also taught me how bad it hurts to get your heart broken. 

I wouldn’t have traded a single minute with him. 

If you ever read this Jake, I loved you unlike I will ever love anyone else. You taught me the beauty of life. You taught me how to be carefree and confident. I could not have asked for a better first everything. You mean the world to me and I pray for you daily. In those months we spent not talking I knew that if I ever needed you, that I could call you and you would pick up. You helped me through some of the hardest years of my life and I owe you my confidence, strong will, and carefree spirit. I love you always.

[my-truth-is-my-truth]

“Have intense and unfailing love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins.” -1 Peter 4:8

[my-truth-is-my-truth]

Growing up

In order to understand who I am, I need to start back to some of my earliest memories. If I am being honest I do not remember most of my childhood. Anything prior to 6th grade is just blank in my head and I often joke that I suffered some major traumatic experience that has blocked out all of my childhood memories. 

Anyway, I think the first life-changing experience that has shaped me into an extremely empathetic, anxious, and self- aware human being was the death of my friend, David. For those of you reading this who have had the pleasure (or not) of knowing me throughout this period can attest to the randomness of his death. I was around 15 at the time and I remember sitting on the bottom bunk of my bunk bed, pretending to do some math homework. I received a call from one of my best friends, Brittani. She was crying which startled me. She asked me if I knew, and I had no idea what she was talking about. David died. Those words will be engrained in my brain forever. 

His death was random. No one had expected the expected D1athlete would just not wake up one morning. They never released what officially caused his death, but there was speculation it was due to a blood clot, or something of that nature due to an injury he suffered during football. I had never expected my first kiss to pass, and I hope that in some way he still watches over me, though he probably has much better things to do :) 

I still also vividly remember his funeral. (Trigger warning). This was the first time I truly experienced death, and I don’t think I was mentally prepared for the pale, blue-lipped, swollen body of my friend on display the night of his wake. The autopsy and blood work took a little over a week and they could not cure the body I guess, so the signs of death were very vivid on his body. I remember swallowing my vomit walking up to the casket to say one last prayer over my friend. I do not remember what I prayed for, but I will never forget the image of that body, no matter how many years pass, or how hard I try it is always there. On a much happier note, his funeral was beautiful. So many people came out to support the family that we filled the entire gym of his high school. People were literally being bussed in from parking lots. That’s how loved he was. I hope he knew it. The service was beautiful, I cried my eyes out. I will always miss him. I will always remember him. 

His death: 

1. Shook me to my core, kids in my community didn’t just die. 

2. Made me thankful for each day I wake up on this earth. 

3. It allowed me to learn the power of forgiveness and kindness. 

If there was ever a moment of direct growth into an adult in my life it was David’s death. Petty arguments no longer seemed worth it. I refused to go to bed angry at those I loved. I learned that no day should be taken for granted because this life is the only one we get. Each day is a blessing, even if it doesn’t always seem like it. I try to emulate his wild and hilarious spirit each day. 

Watch over me.

[my-truth-is-my-truth]

It’s all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self-love deficit.

Eartha Kitt

[my-truth-is-my-truth]

My Truth, the beginning

Whenever someone poses the question: “who are you”, how do you answer? This question is up there as one of the hardest I've ever been asked next to “what is the purpose of life” and “what is justice”.  

My truth is: I don't know yet. 

I grew up privileged, wealthy, and white, by two wonderful parents who did the best they could by me, and my older brother. The older I get, the more a realize how difficult being a parent must be. I have made many mistakes, as anyone probably has, but I have learned a lot of lessons along the way. I am not 22, living with three amazing women who encourage me to be my best self. I have a degree from a great university, a dog, and a job, but who am I? 

I decided to write this blog as a way to capture who I am through stories, thoughts, and events taking place in my life. I am far from perfect, but I have always felt drawn to the idea of helping others. Perhaps by sharing my stories, I can help other people overcome their own mistakes and learn to self-love as I have over many years.