mydarlingdumbdiary

[mydarlingdumbdiary]

July 11th, 2017

11:16pm

I had my first day at Palace today and it was amazing. There was a lot of training, but thankfully Alicia and I got to go through it together. Everyone there is so nice and friendly and helpful and I’m so happy to work somewhere where everyone wants to be there. And to work somewhere that I can actually talk to my coworkers again. I still really do like the bookstore, but man it gets so fucking boring over summer and I miss being able to hang out and talk to people at work instead of just working the register alone for 8 hours. I think I’m working with Vanessa on Thursday so that’s good. I should ask her if she wants to hang out outside of work bc she’s really cool and I want us to actually be friends, not just coworker friends. I miss working with Noemi too, hopefully I get scheduled with her soon, but even if you are scheduled with someone you don’t even get to really hang out with them which like is fair I guess since it’s work, but still it makes the whole day a hell of a lot less boring. 

I should go to sleep bc I have another full day of training ahead of me tomorrow and I really thought I’d be exhausted from today, but I’m pretty awake now and sad which is dumb. I probably shouldn’t have listened to Sorority Noise’s new album, but I hadn’t heard it yet and I really wanted to listen to it, so whatevs. And now I’ve heard the whole song of “Car” and not just the first 30 seconds of “18 minutes you called me on my phone, you said I’m sorry why do I feel so alone, I said I’m sorry is there anything that I can do, you said care about me like you used to”, which has been stuck in my head since I first heard it at their concert back in December. 

I really want to hang out with Nik and Reggie. I miss them a lot and I’m sad that we haven’t hung out in a really long time and even last time when we did it wasn’t the same and I get that it won’t be the same bc everything’s different now, but still. They’re my friends and I miss them and I just want to hang out with them like our old weekly lunches or the day last summer when we all went to SF and ran around the De Young and went to the Japanese Tea Garden and we went to that bagel place and then got coffee and went to that park in San Bruno. I wanted them to come to Santa Cruz, but that’s not gonna work, so maybe we’ll all see each other for Nik’s birthday. I definitely want to go up for it, I hope I don’t get scheduled to work the next day, but if I do then I could always get it covered. I really hope Reggie can go too. I haven’t seen him in ages and I’m still bummed that we didn’t get to finish off college by smoking up on Sonoma Mountain, another reason graduation weekend was shitty. And he and Nik hung out that Saturday night and I didn’t even know Nik was there. It’s just dumb, I don’t want to still be hung up on my Sonoma life but I am. I’m still hung up on feeling like I’m not friends with Caitlin anymore and hung up on all that time I wasted being Niki’s friend (maybe a little overdramatic, but honestly she’s kind of a toxic person and I think it’s for the best she’s not in my life anymore). I’m hung up on feeling like I’m losing touch with Nik and Reggie and the fact that Maya and Caitlin got so much closer during those last couple months when I wasn’t there and then I just think about how alone I felt when I was there and that makes me feel alone now and then I just want to cry. 

This is so stupid, I had a really good day today. I’m starting a new job that I love and I’m really happy about that. I just feel like I still have loose ends there and I never got the closure I needed from that whole experience. And I mean maybe someday I will and maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll just have to move past it on my own or it’ll just happen. I don’t know. I just don’t like feeling like I’m losing a connection with the people that I love and it’s hard when everybody feels so goddamned far away. 

[mydarlingdumbdiary]

July 8th, 2017

10:47pm

I got the job a Palace! Yay! I’m going in tomorrow morning to do paperwork and then I’m pretty sure I’m gonna start working soon. I’m so excited! It worked out so perfectly. I might stop working at the Diversity Center for now just bc it might be a little hard to work 2 jobs around it, but I’m not sure yet. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. 

Jazlyn, Celine, and I got Betty’s and when to Seabright today and then Noah met up with us and we all hung out at the beach and played 6 degrees of separation (which we are not as good at as we were back in 2012 but after a few tries we started to get the hang of it again). Then the three of us went back to Jazlyn’s and she cut my hair and we watched Penelope and ate gluten-free pesto pizza and it was wonderful. 

I also woke up at 1pm today very tired which was a strange start to the day, but everything after that was a very solid saturday. 

[mydarlingdumbdiary]

July 6th, 2017

11:47pm

Tonight we had a bonfire at Celine’s and made s’mores and played scrabble with alphabet cookies (throwback to senior year what whattttt) and then Flo came over and we played Sequence then Grace came over (who I haven’t seen in AGES) and we all went to Natural Bridges (#nattyb) to set off fireworks on the beach and then the people up in the parking lot set off fireworks too (firework friends!) and then we sat on the rocks and the weather was so nice and warm and the moon was so bright and it was so beautiful and perfect and the whole night was filled with so many wonderful moments. I hope my whole summer is filled with nights like this. 

[mydarlingdumbdiary]

July 1st, 2017

10:36pm 

My interview at Palace went really well this morning! I don’t want to jinx it, but I feel really good about it. Also, I messaged the Russian girl from Her and asked if she wanted to hang out on Monday so hopefully that goes well too. I hadn’t heard from her in over a week and I had just kinda given up on it but then today I was like you know what the worst thing that happens is I just don’t hear back from her and that’s whatever and so I messaged her and asked if she wanted to hang out sometime this week and she said she’d love to! So good thing I did it. I didn’t do much else today except download all of Rainbow Kitten Surprise (sorry ummm RKS of course) and sit outside and read for awhile and watch some B squared (Bob’s Burgers). And I get to see Maya tomorrow! I don’t know what her plans are for the rest of the day, but I was thinking we’d just kinda drive around and I’d give her the quick SC tour even tho she’s been here before. We might go hiking too and maybe check out Beer Thirty or something, we’ll see! I’m really excited to see her. Kk that’s it for tonight byeeeeeeeee.

[mydarlingdumbdiary]

June 30th, 2017

12:19am (7/1)

I have an interview at Palace Arts tomorrow! I literally went to sleep last night thinking about how it would be so awesome if they called me and I came really close to just giving in and accepting the job offer from Bed, Bath, & Beyond but then I thought about how it would suck if I accepted that job and then Palace called me later and then I woke up to their voicemail this morning! Like what, that’s some The Secret level shit right there. I also applied for the Parks & Rec job today soooooo we’ll see about that! I don’t know when that job starts but I’m guessing not for another couple months bc the hiring process probs takes awhile and today was the deadline for the application. I also ran a stop sign today literally right in front of a cop and got pulled over and as soon as he walked up to my window I was like yep I have no excuse that was so stupid and so illegal I’m not even gonna try to talk my way out of this one and he was like okay just try to stop next time, like don’t even stop just try to put a little more of an effort in than that and I was like you betcha thanks mister! I think they like it when you’re super upfront and honest and also like white privilege is for sure a thing and the fact that I probs just looked like some dumb girl who didn’t understand stop signs but whatevs I didn’t get a ticket so I’m cool with that.

And tonight we had a Jason Bourne movie night and I made a name tag out of a sticky note that said “Hello my name is: ???” and then put it in the movie case so Jazlyn will see it every time she watches that movie. Celine and Noah came over too and Barney was going to but bailed bc he has to get up hella early for work. I’m liking this little group, I think it’s gonna be fun this summer. 

Annnddddd my birthday is in 20 days! I think I want to do a beach day (probs at Seabright) and then go to the brewery over by the West End (I think it’s called Santa Cruz Mountain Brewery), I’ve never been there but I’ve heard good things. I want it to be filled with wonderful things that I love and I think breakfast, then beach, then drinks will be really fun. The problem with all my other birthdays has been that I did things I thought other people wanted to do, so I’m not doing that this year. I’m keeping it easy and sticking to things that make me happy. I think SC Mountain Brewery will be good bc we can go with a group and just hang out there. That’s what I like about breweries. We can always decide to go out to the bars after or something, but I really like that plan. I definitely want to watch the sunset somewhere really cool too. Nice, it’s gonna be good I can feel it. I really think 23 is gonna be good. The last 2 years have been very rough and I think all that transition is going to pay off. I can feel good things starting to happen and I can feel some kind of turning point coming soon. It was the same kinda thing from 12 to 13 and I feel like it’s gonna be good. So very good and so very worth all the pain from the last few years. Alright universe, I’m sending out those good vibes, I’m ready to feel good things. 

[mydarlingdumbdiary]

June 28th, 2017

11:06pm

I had such a good night. Bonny, Emmy, and I went to this craft beer place kinda near Park Ave, then Colin met up with us there, then the four of us got food from Los Gordos and went to 28th(ish) beach w/ a growler from the beer place and all sat on the beach and drank and ate food and watched this old man do something kinda like tai chi (we called it mai chi) and I ate the messiest quesadilla in the whole world and all the pictures have me just covered in sour cream and I washed my hands in the ocean and got most of my legs soaked and then I almost forgot my shoes and then this one guy said he should give us all tickets for being too pretty and then we all tried to get tattoos (which would have been fucking perfect but no good tattoo places are open past 8 so it didn’t work) then we stopped by Emmy’s and I showed Bonny and Colin Rainbow Kitten Surprise (now called RKS for forever bc that sounds much better, except Emmy’s face when I told her the name of the band was the most precious thing I’ve ever seen and needs to stay engrained into my memory forever) and then we all went to Seacliff and smoked for like 5min and then we went to Mike’s house and facetimed w/ Amanders while she was driving home from hanging out with her coworkers and Mike and Colin kept jamming after we were off the phone so we went to Marianne’s w/out them and got ice cream then went back and hung out for a little bit then left and it was all so nice and spur of the moment and perfect and I wish we could spend the entire summer like this bc it felt like a movie and I really wish we could’ve gotten tattoos today bc then whenever I looked at it I would be reminded of this perfect time we all had together. 

kk I have to go to sleep bc I have to wake up for work very early but I needed to write all that down while it was still fresh in my memory, plus I am trying really hard to write at least something everyday and all the better if it’s a nice little memory I can hang on to or look back on when I need it the most. I’m going to make a list of all those soon. If I didn’t work at 8:30am tomorrow I would do it right now. I just really hope I can see Bons before she leaves again, but we’ll see. Hopefully tomorrow works! 

[mydarlingdumbdiary]

June 26th, 2017

11:54pm 

I really really really don’t feel like writing, but I have to because that’s the only way I’m going to force myself back into this again. I was actually doing a pretty good job with it for awhile and then of course I fell out of it. The last post was all nice and optimistic too damn. I mean lots of good things have happened since then, but a lot of not-so good things have too and just whenever I think about it I feel like I need to like update this on it but that’s so overwhelming bc I can’t write about EVERYTHING I’ve been feeling in the past month and a half that’s insane. I can’t update my future self on all that. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna remember graduation weekend either way and after I got home I really didn’t feel like rehashing it all onto the internet and then when I got better I really didn’t feel like dwelling on it but now that I’m not getting worse, but slipping? That sounds too dramatic. Falling back into unhealthy habits? Sure, routines? Just overall not taking caring of myself so much (or really at all) and that can become bad fast, so I’m trying to intervene now before it gets too bad where I can’t summon the energy to do anything. So, we’re gonna make sure I don’t reach that point. I’m calling a therapist tomorrow, so hey at least that’s a start. I guess she specializes or at least has a good understanding of dissociation and also covers depression/anxiety (but honestly pretty every therapist covers those I mean they are basics). I hope I like her bc this whole process of researching therapists is honestly so exhausting. Just thinking about is exhausting. So we’ll see. Hopefully she’s good and we get along and it feels natural and comfortable talking to her and then maybe she can hook me up w/ some of those drugs or at least get me to a place where I feel like I don’t need them. Or I don’t know, try them out and see if they work? They’re so expensive and there’s so many different kinds and some of them really mess with your health and stuff and again. Exhausting. This entire process is exhausting. But it’ll get easier and this is probs the hardest part. Getting started and all that. Dumb. 

Butttttttt I did finally clean my room. It still needs a teensy bit more work (mostly the boxes on the walls and sorting out all the donations), but everything else is done! We’re talking cleaned off dressers, redecorated walls, organized shelves, cleaned out closet, the wall shebang. My shoes are in my closet now even. Honestly (will I ever stop using that word in every sentence tbh probs not), but honestly it feels so nice. SO NICE. It feels clean and organized and I don’t lose my freaking mind every time I see a box or trip over something anymore. It’ll feel even better once I have all the donations sorted and gotten rid of and re-do the wall boxes. It just feels cleaned out and like purged I guess? There was so much shit in here I didn’t need, especially from fucking lifetimes ago and I just needed a new clean slate. I needed to not feel so fucking weighted down by my own belongings. Most of it didn’t even feel like my stuff, it was just shit I felt that I should be attached to or keep for some fucking reason and I didn’t need it or even really want it. And even some of the stuff I did have sentimental memories attached to, it felt really good to get rid of it. Because those parts of my life are over and I need a blank slate. I need everything in my room to represent who I am right now. Not who I was ten years ago or in high school or even fucking college. What’s important is what I want to surround myself with right at this moment. What’s gonna inspire me to be my best self. God, this all sounds so fucking cliche and dumb, but whatever I mean it. I don’t need to feel weighted down anymore. I need to surround myself with things that make me happy. 

Also! I started a collage journal tonight and so far I am very big fan of it. I used my old journal from AP English when we had to take notes on the bible (yeah, remember that?), but I covered it w/ pictures so you can’t even tell! It just looks like a (mostly) new notebook and inside I glued stuff from magazines and drew little doodles and put in some words and quotes too. I’m really excited for it. I think I’m gonna get better and better at it and it’ll be cool to look back on the first couple ones I started off with.

Okay, so plan for tomorrow:

1. Call therapist 

2. Parks & Rec application (it would be so fucking rad if I got that job, hello future? It’s me, yes I’ll hold.)

3. Write! Just oh my fucking god it’s so easy and you just need to force yourself to do it and write literally anything that comes into your head. It doesn’t have to sound good or detail every single thought inside your head or thing you have done, it just needs to be something. Honestly, anything. Write “tbh I don’t fucking care about anything” 80 million times in a row cool you know what some people might think that’s poetry who fucking knows anymore. 

Alright, that’s probs it for me tonight. I’m not even gonna read over this, I’m just gonna go to sleep now. I might go to the beach with Celine tomorrow? We’ll see, but regardless I am most definitely calling that therapist and writing something at some point. That’s all that matters. Those two things, the application can wait, though it is due Friday so I have to take care of it soon. 

Also, I should probs call Staircase about my tattoo bc I want to get that ASAP. I need any source of motivation I can get at this point and it would be super convenient and nice if that motivation was inked into my skin for the rest of my life. Plus, I just love it so much and I need to on my skin right now. 

[mydarlingdumbdiary]

May 8th, 2017

12:09am (5/9)

I feel great right now. Like total rise out of the depression what the fuck was I even a person these past four months kind of thing. Which is always strange and just like a little slap in the face of oh right this is what my brain should be doing. This is what happy, motivated, confident feels like, I’d honestly forgotten. I remember what pretending to be happy, motivated, confident feels like and trying real hard to convince myself of it, but that’s so much more different. It’s not even remotely the same honestly. Different plane of existence entirely. I’m meeting a girl from HER tomorrow at Seabright brewery. We’re gonna go to the beach and then probs get food and drinks after. I don’t know if it’s a date or just like a friends thing, but still! My first internet date! What???? I set up a couple of others too! I’m really excited! Maybe I’ll actually get a girlfriend who knows?? Or just go on a whole bunch of dates with cute girls? Ummm yes please! I made a promise to 2017 that it would be a “New Year, Gayer Me” and goddammit I have to keep that promise! And it’s honestly just ridiculous that I haven’t even kissed a girl yet. That needs to change. Pretty much immediately tbh. I will not turn 23 without having kissed a girl. I will not do that to 13 year old me. She needs this. I need this. 2017 needs this. 

Also, I signed up for a month-long writing workshop! It’s through Capitola Recreation and it starts on Wednesday! I really want to focus on writing now. I tried to research some local writing groups and I couldn’t really find anything, but I’m gonna keep looking! 

I also signed up to volunteer at the Diversity Center to help out at the front desk, so we’ll see if I hear back from them soon. I guess I should probs tell dad and bobbie that I’m gay before I start volunteering at a center based strictly on helping the gay community. Honestly I just feel so awkward every time I have that conversation. I just want to be like so it’s pretty fucking obvious to seriously everyone, so I don’t really think we have to talk about this any further, yeah? Rad. 

Also, I’m almost done cleaning out my room. Yesssss. I feel cleansed. I still need to clean out the closet and work on the walls/boxes on the walls and then I’ll be done! After that, I just need to figure out where all the donations go and I will feel brand new. Nice. Good job me, you’re doing great. You also need to find yourself a therapist and maybe looking into to medication that can keep you feeling great, but as long as you hold onto this really awesome surge (weird choice of words?) of motivation, things are gonna be a whole lot better now! 

Also, you should make a new CD! 

[mydarlingdumbdiary]

April 15th, 2017

1:05am (4/16)

Today Emmy and I went to the Coastal Wildflower Festival in Half Moon Bay. The festival itself wasn’t too exciting, but it was a beautiful day and we got to drive up the coast and see all the wildflowers. We also (kinda) saved a bird that had a hook in its neck. Well, we told a ranger about it and hopefully she helped it. But still that counts! On the way back we drove through Pescadero and went to Bantu State Park? I think that’s what it was called, something with a B. Then we went to her house where her boyfriend Mike made BBQ and we had dinner with her mom. They invited me over for Easter tomorrow too, which was really nice of them. I was just planning on spending the whole day cleaning the house cuz Dad and Bobbie come back on Monday, but it’ll be nice to go over there for a bit.

Also, I was supposed to go to the volunteer orientation for the SC animal shelter this morning but ended up not going, so instead I signed up to volunteer at the SPCA. I figure if I have to go through the whole training process again, I might as well go somewhere new. I totally could’ve made it to the one today, but I just decided it would be cool to do the SPCA instead. 

Also, I’m going up to Humboldt next weekend! I feel much better about it this time. Bonny kept inviting me, but I wanted it to be a weekend where we could actually hang out and have fun and next weekend she said she doesn’t have any work and won’t be busy. And I’m doing much better mental wise, so I’ll actually be fun to hang out with. I’m excited! I might stop at SSU to buy my cap and gown at the bookstore too since I definitely need to get those. I’m pretty sure you can rent them, which is even better. If I do, I’ll ask Cactus and Maya if they’re free for lunch or something. Or maybe stop on the way back down, we’ll see. 

Overall, it was a good sunny day filled with driving and wildflowers. Also, I befriended Emmy’s cat Steve. We cuddled and watched Law & Order while dinner was being made. 

[mydarlingdumbdiary]

April 7th, 2017

2:20am (4/8)

Regina Spektor is literally an angel. I feel personally blessed to have even been in the audience. I can’t believe she actually exists. I fell in love with her like 50 million times during the show and I actually started crying at one point. I honestly feel so cleansed right now, like every negative thing in my life has been washed away. It was pouring down rain all night and we literally got soaked to the bone, and the whole thing was just so incredibly amazing, I have no words to describe it. I’m so happy that Emmy invited me, the whole day was beautiful in every way. We left in the afternoon and drove up Highway 1 and then explored around Berkeley a little. We also bought bright yellow ponchos at Walgreens that we wore to the show (plus we got free ones at the show so now I have two pairs?).The whole day was exactly what I needed. I seriously do feel cleansed. Standing in the rain, listening to Regina Spektor play her beautiful music, and getting to share the whole thing with someone who I’ve known since I was like ten and appreciates it all just as much as I do? Too perfect to put into words. Hands down, one of the best shows I’ve ever been to and one of my most special memories. 

[mydarlingdumbdiary]

April 5th, 2017

12:43am (4/6)

I finally finished my music review and I am so proud of it. I want to send to a music magazine and be like hey yeah? Does this count as real music journalism or no? Probably not bc I spent most of it just talking about how much I love the songs and you’re probs supposed to be more critical when it comes to music journalism, but whatever it’s for a class so it really doesn’t matter. I’m just so proud of it! I worked so hard and I wrote about 4 songs that I just love so so so much and I think I did a really good job of describing just how much I love them and why and why I think other people should love them too. I was gonna do 5 but I shortened to 4 bc I wrote so much on the others. I kinda want to print it now so I dont have to deal with that in the morning. I also kinda want to read it over again in the morning tho to see if I can catch any typos that I might be missing now. I love writing so much. I forgot how much I really do love it. AND my horoscope said I’ll be getting a bigger vocabulary and becoming better at putting into words what I need to say and like if that ain’t me right now. I swear to god those horoscopes in the Good Times have been scary accurate for the last couple of weeks. I want to take pictures of them or cut them out to remember them all. 

[mydarlingdumbdiary]

April 4th, 2017

10:32pm 

I had my meeting with my writing teacher today and he said he liked my story! I’m going to revise it for the final assignment, and he gave me some ideas for things to work on for it, like adding more narrative and some more scenes. He said that he liked that the whole thing was kind of vague, so I’m glad that that came across. I was worried it might be too confusing or hard to follow, but he said that it helped to keep the reader engaged and interested. He also said that the narrative voice was strong so I should elaborate on that a little more. I’m happy that it came across the way I wanted it to because I worked really hard on it. Bobbie wants to read it, but I don’t know. I don’t want her to think it’s based on our family but it’s so clearly not. Like yes, certainly inspired by it in some parts, but so much more dramatic. He also said the metaphors in my second poem were really interesting, so that’s good too. I kinda forgot about that poem, it’s been so long since I wrote it. It was nice to hear all that though, give me all the praise on my writing please. We talked a little about publishing too and he said I should take the journalism class at cabrillo so I’m gonna see if they offer that over summer. If not, I might take it next fall, but it’d be cool to take it over summer. It’s too bad I didn’t take it this semester, but I didn’t know that was something I really wanted to do until recently. I canceled my counseling appt. tomorrow, so instead I’m gonna use that time to finish my review (cuz it’s due thursday welp running out time!) and maybe get my hair cut? I think I might go to supercuts on 41st. I was thinking about going somewhere more expensive to be sure I’d get good quality, but then I’d have to wait and make an appt. and there’s still no guarantee it’d be good. Plus, I only want a few more layers and it’d be easy if I could just do a walk in appt. and not have to schedule anything. Also, I’ve been rewatching The Good Place and I forgot how much I love it. That’s all for tonight. 

[mydarlingdumbdiary]

April 3rd, 2017

11:35pm 

Nothing much to report. Work was very slow today, I’d really be fine with them cutting hours at this point, it’s just so boring standing around all day trying to look busy. At least at Transcendence I could spend like 80% of my time on tumblr all day without anyone knowing, it’s a little harder when you’re behind a counter though. I was going to do stuff when I got home, but I was feeling lazy, so tomorrow morning before class I’m going to do all the dishes and clean the kitchen and then work a whole bunch on my music review. I got a lot done on it last night and I’m really proud of it so far. I have my little conference thing with my teacher tomorrow before class too, where we’re gonna talk about my work. I’m gonna ask him about publishing too because he knows a lot of authors and poets, so I feel like he might have some good advice on getting into the field or at least more info on it than I have. Oh and Emmy invited me to go see Regina Spektor on Friday! I’m so excited! I feel bad for not texting her to hang out for the almost three months I’ve been here, but I didn’t really think much of it cuz we haven’t hung out just the two of us since like 8th grade. I’m really excited though! It’ll be really fun to hang out with her and I’m sure the show is going to be awesome. We’re gonna get there early too and get dinner in Berkeley. And then on Sunday I’m going up the Off the Grid at Park Presidio with Nik. I’ve never been to any of the daytime ones, so I’m excited for that! Look at this, making plans to hang out with friends AND be productive? Oh my goodness, look at me. I didn’t take the little serotonin supplement this morning, but I’m going to take it before I go to bed because I like feeling this way and I want to keep it up. I think I might cancel my counseling appointment on Wednesday? I can’t really explain why exactly. It’s not just because I’m feeling okay now, I just still feel kind of weird I guess talking to the counselor. There’s something about her where I just feel like I can’t exactly open up I guess. I know you have to call at least 24 hours in advance, so I have to decide by tomorrow before class. It’s been helpful going, but I kind of want to spend that time working on my music review and looking into therapists instead. Then again, it might be awhile until I find a therapist so it might be good to go to an appointment while I have it scheduled? I guess we’ll see if I remember to call tomorrow because if I forget than I’ll definitely just go. 

[mydarlingdumbdiary]

April 2nd, 2017

2:26am (4/3)

I really need to go to bed, but I can’t stop writing about Cage the Elephant! I have so many theories about Matt Shultz and my teacher’s just gonna get to learn them all because he said we could write about anything and once I start writing about my favorite music I really can’t stop (i.e. yesterday’s post). The other four songs are gonna be so much harder to write on than this. It took me forever to choose them because I kept changing my mind. I didn’t choose any Strokes or Head & the Heart which feels a little weird, but I just didn’t really want to include them. I kept adding them and then switching them out for others. Wow, okay I really need to go to sleep now. At least I don’t have to wake up for work till 10:30 tomorrow but I feel like that’s gonna come way sooner than I want it to. Also, today was good. Wow three good days in a row?? WHAT. I don’t want to jinx it, so that’s all I’m gonna say on the matter. 

[mydarlingdumbdiary]

April 1st, 2017

10:43pm 

Today Bons and I talked on the phone for like 4 hours and I got hella sunburned cuz I was sitting outside the whole time, but it was totally worth it because we finally got to catch up and talk about literally anything and it didn’t feel forced or rushed or anything. And I got to talk about all the weird stuff with my brain and actually be honest about all that. So yeah, it was nice. 10/10 would highly recommend having a best friend you can have 4 hour phone calls with because they seriously make everything better. Also, we finally bought Modest Mouse tickets! They’re playing in SF at the end of May and it’s going to be amazing. She saw them over the summer, but they were super late to the show, so it only kinda counts. Also, I found out that Oh Wonder is playing at the Catalyst this month and was super stoked because they would be such a cool band to see live, but tickets are all sold out. I found some on some of those 3rd party sites for like $50, but I don’t really trust those sites so I don’t know. They’re gonna be down in SoCal so I was thinking of maybe asking Moriah if she’d want to go and driving down there again. I feel like she’d like them. It depends on how much tickets are though. It just would’ve been so cool to see them here in Santa Cruz! I don’t know how I didn’t know they were gonna be here, I haven’t seen anything in The Good Times about it or any signs around town. Also, speaking of LA I found out The Strokes played there last June and I am so angry that I missed it because I didn’t even know they were still touring! I thought they broke up and it was just Julian Casablancas’ new band now, but I guess they still do shows sometimes? Songkick said they only have two concerts coming up and they’re both in South America. What the fuck, no. I need them here. I wouldn’t have minded driving to LA to see them, I just didn’t even know that was a thing that was happening! They need to come back, so I can see them live and cry beautiful tears of happiness. I don’t even know what I would do if I saw Julian Casablancas, like legit probably just start crying. I don’t even know why I’m so in love with him? I just am? He’s so beautiful in his own wonderful beautiful way. Honestly, it’s probably for the best that I didn’t know about the concert back in June because I probably wouldn’t have been able to go bc of work and then I would’ve been even more heartbroken. I probably would’ve just dropped everything and gotten fired from my internship. Sorry, guys my undying love for The Strokes and Julian Casablancas is much more important than this, peace out. So yeah, that probably worked out for the best. They just need to come back to California ASAP. It doesn’t even have to California, just the West Coast. Just somewhere closer than South America really. Somewhere within driving distance would be preferable. I need to see them and I need them to play “Undercover of Darkness” and “Whatever Happened” and “Last Night” and if they played “Is This It” I would 100% cry. At least now I know they’re still touring. I’m so angry that Jacob’s seen them like 5 times and I haven’t seen them once. He was probably too drunk to even remember the shows, he can’t even properly appreciate them what the hell. I’m happy that when I do see them (which WILL happen SOMEDAY) I can go with Nik and know that he will also properly appreciate the whole experience and completely understand why I will be crying out of sheer happiness and excitement. Oh god I really hope it won’t be disappointing like Edward Sharpe bc after that concert I was pretty wary of seeing any of my favorite bands play. It won’t be like that at all though, I’ve heard really good things about their shows. Wow, this whole post really got derailed. Sorry, sometimes I forget how much I love The Strokes and get a little sidetracked. 

The point of the story is today was good. I am very sunburned and I love my best friend very much. Also, The Strokes are beautiful and I need to start going to concerts again. 

[mydarlingdumbdiary]

March 31st, 2017

9:45pm

Today was nice. Mom and I walked all the way to Manresa and then had dinner at Gale’s. It was really sunny and nice out today and it felt good to go for a long walk on the beach. Plus we saw lots of super cute dogs. At this exact moment I feel like I’m in a good headspace. Tomorrow morning I might go to the farmers market at cabrillo and then I told Bons I’d call her at 11:30. She sent me a really nice message this morning saying we can talk whenever, so I feel better than I did last night. I’m feeling very calm and sleepy right now, I think I’m going to get some good sleep tonight. Maybe I’ll buy flowers at the market tomorrow and some really good fruit for smoothies. That’d be nice. 

[mydarlingdumbdiary]

March 30th, 2017

12:05am (3/31)

I was going to write this right when I got home from the candlelight vigil because I was feeling all nice and warm inside. (I got distracted though and then just decided to write it right before I go to bed, like the others.) I’m really happy I helped out at it, it was fun to make the little bags for the candles and to meet everyone who went. And it was a really nice thing to be a part of, things like that always make you feel warm and supported and better because you’re surrounded by other people who understand. It’s not that I don’t feel good now, but I don’t know. I texted Bonny and apologized for not calling back yesterday and she asked if everything was okay and I said yes and no because honestly it really is a little of both. It seriously changes like 12 million times a day and I can’t keep track of it or even try to understand it, so it’s hard to explain it to other people. But I told her I just really didn’t feel like talking to anyone last night and she said to let her know when I did feel like talking, which just made me feel bad because I know she’s trying to help. I’m just like this though, this same thing happens all the time. I’ll really want to see someone and they’re not around and then when they are around, I can’t stand to be around anyone so I shut myself off from everyone. And it’s not even that I’m bitter about them being busy or whatever, yeah sometimes that’s it, but sometimes it’s just that I cannot stand to be around another person at that moment. It’s just too emotionally draining and so I either go all distant and apathetic or I’m bitter and petty and all passive aggressive, which is way worse. At least if I’m apathetic, I can be mean and not care. Usually I just get really quiet though. The point is that it’s exhausting and really hard to explain to people because it happens so fast and I don’t always know what brings it on. Sometimes I can tell because something’s been annoying me or I’m tired or hungry, but other times everything’s fine and I’m excited and social and then something snaps and suddenly I can’t stand anything. And then I feel bad because I feel like I ruined it and I don’t even know why. Dumb. This all just makes me feel so dumb. Sorry my brain’s weird guys, please still hang out with me, but only when I want to because there’s a chance I’ll immediately change my mind or just completely bail. This is why Jazlyn and I never see each other, we both do this and neither of us can stop. Whatever, there’s nothing I can do about it right now. What I can do is go to bed and sleep, so that’s what I’m gonna do because I don’t have to wake up early tomorrow and I’d love just one day where I’m not completely exhausted.