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mydearduchess · 6 years ago

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11.2.19 12:08am

Dear Duchess,

It’s been just over a day since your passing. I am still in shock. I have so many things I want to say to you. And so many I want to never forget.

So, I made this blog. To vent. To cry. To remember. Everything.

Coming home after my first day back to work for the week on October 30, 2019...I wasn’t expecting to see you dying. You threw up on your blanket again that morning in the bathroom. And then threw up all the water you drank into the bathtub. I move you quickly from behind the toilet because it was easier to clean up in the tub. You curled up in the back of the tub then, as I got ready to leave for the day. Construction was supposed to be bad again, so I was in a rush to leave. I pulled your tiny body from the tub, set you on a clean blanket next to your water bowl, and kissed your head. I said, “I will see you later,” before leaving the bathroom and going to work. I was fighting a head cold, so I felt pretty bad that day. My head hurt. I wanted to stay home another day.

The Sir messaged me later that night before I got home that he was in the bedroom with you kitties, though I assumed he just meant Blade. When I got home, closer to 1am on Halloween, that’s where I found you all. Except, instead of loafing on the bed, you were on your side, laying on a pillowcase on the dresser. Soaked into the pillowcase and your tail was urine.

You had peed and just laid in it.

For a cat going through Renal Failure, this was a sign to the veterinary student in me. Because as much as I wanted to say it wasn’t time... you also had hardly eaten that morning, and all day... and I had to work... and it was Halloween.

But it was soon time. This was the moment I have been dreading for over 18 years.

I pulled up a seat next to the dresser and cried as I pet you. Your fur had long been unkempt, it was greasy and thin. Sir didn’t quite understand my sudden reaction. But I knew. So, I talked to you, and cried, and pet your bumpy head. Those Mass Cell Tumors sure got everywhere, huh? I told you that it was okay, you could let go. Let go of the pain, and the fatigue, and the worry. That I loved you. And thanked you for everything you taught me and did for me. You saved my life when I was so low I wanted to die. You kept me sane and comfortable and loved when dealing with my parents’ issues and my horrible homesickness. You taught Dana and Joe and so many others what it was like to love a cat.

And I prayed. For a miracle. For answers. For myself... how would I recover?

You see, my Dear Duchess, you were so special, and so smart, and so loved. There will never be another feline quite like you. I will never have another companion like you. The relationship we shared... it was... I can’t describe how unique it was and will ever be. We grew up together, though you aged so much faster. You were an integral part of my childhood, my adolescents, my innocence.

Maybe that’s why this feels so final? I have grow up... and you won’t be there to share my experiences with me anymore. I won’t be able to introduce my children to you. No cat will ever share what we had.

You were the best cat. You did tricks. You came with us on walks and in the car. You were my guinea pig when I was a child... you taught me about trust. And you trusted me. Solely.

So I hope you don’t hate me for the choice I made that night. I wanted you to pass at home, in my arms, in your sleep. I stayed up all night, crying, and trying to hold you. All you wanted to do was be alone. Eventually, you spent most of the night sleeping on my pillow, as you had a million times before. My “hat cat.” You occasionally bumped my hand with your head, resting it in my palm. I felt your purrs in your throat, though I could not hear them. It was a blessing to have that one more time. You slept quite soundly that night, although you routinely woke up to pee...once on me. That was okay though. I didn’t mind. I got to have you a little longer.

I called in to work for the day... 10/31/19... I had slept maybe 3 hours. I called the vet office too. We made an appointment later in the day... 3:40pm. I had just 5 hours left with my beautiful, sweet kitten.

So I got some of your favorites. Milk, fritos, etc. You know what you loved. You got cottage cheese too. We called Mom and William... they got to say good-bye over Facetime. You stayed curled in my lap on the cloud blanket. We all knew this was the right time. Mom finally cried. After weeks of me fretting and calling her, she finally cried for you. They loved you too.

Dana and Evan were coming to support us. While we waited for them and the time grew closer, we brought all 5 of our beautiful kitties to the bedroom to share a can of fancy feast (something you hadn’t had in a while, as you ate a lot of baby food). You, being the queen, at on the dresser, while the jesters ate on the ground below you. Let’s be honest, Duchess, you ran the house.

Soon, we were preparing to leave. I put you in your blue camo harness and leash set, opting that a crate wouldn’t be necessary for this last adventure. As we left the house, it was cold. Some snow was on the ground. I held you close to me, and asked Dana to take some final pictures of us together. I have so many pictures of you. But not many of us together. I kissed your head. Then Evan wrap the blanket over you and helped me get in the car.

You looked out the window the whole ride there... even though it was only a few minutes. It was like you weren’t sick at all. We were just going for a ride. I kissed you again and again and whispered so many things to you. I started to cry again.

They got us in to the room quickly. A blanket was set on the table, but we put ours on top. It smelled like home. Like me. Like you.

They spelled your name wrong on the papers (don’t know who this “Dutchess” is, but I crossed it out and put the correct name). I signed the euthanasia and cremation paperwork. It was finalized. Not a lot of room to change our minds.

I asked for just a few more minutes. You got so many pets. You rubbed. I asked Sir to kiss your head and love you, then Dana. They loved you so much. The vet came in, and you immediately got up to greet her. Always the social cat. You were so good.

They let me hold you to set the catheter. She couldn’t use your left leg, due to a tumor bump being right over your vein. So she clipped a spot on your right leg. I held off, and she got the catheter in on the first stick. Your vein was tiny. You were likely very dehydrated. But we got it in.

I didn’t want you to be sedated, but I guess that’s just protocol at this vet. She put the ketamine in and you slowly started to slump in sleep. I kissed you and told you I loved over and over. I was the last thing you saw, and smelled, and hear, and felt.

As she asked if I was ready, I fell over your body and cried. “I love you. Thank you. You are such a good kitty.” My ear rested on your chest and I heard your quiet, slow heartbeats come to a stop. Dana, Sir, and Evan had their hands on me, but I was so hyper-focused on you. By the time I looked up, the pink fluid was all the way in. There was no going back.

The vet had to listen. She said you were gone. I asked for a bit of time with you. I hugged your limp, warm body to me. This was the good-bye, my dear. Dana helped me get pictures of each of your feet (FR, FL, RR, RL), and then stamps of them as well. They aren’t perfect, but that’s okay. I will get tattoos of all your feet. You can walk with me forever that way.

I requested to bag you myself. I would be the last one to touch your body. As I placed you in the black cadaver bag, I hugged you hard, one last time. I tied it. Placed the paperwork on it. I left the exam room to ask if I could place your body in the freezer too. I have to see what time their truck comes on Wednesday. If I can, I will take you from the freezer and into the truck before your body is finally carried away from me forever. The next I will see of you is a bag of ash.

I hope it’s okay that I have you cremated. I was so worried that if I buried you somewhere, and then moved, that I would never be able to visit you or have you again. And this way, as I told my Sir, you will be placed in my own coffin someday, to forever be with me.

That’s the story of your death. I don’t want to forget these details, although I’m sure some of them will fade. All you need to know and remember is that I LOVED YOU THE MOST. You will forever be my beautiful, sassy, smart, wonderful kitten. You will never be forgotten, not by me. Every cat, every pet, every person, will be compared to you. And that’s just it, none will compare. You were my child, my friend, my confidant, my longest relationship aside from my immediate family. But I guess, in a way, you were my immediate family too.

And you were over 18 years. We always celebrated your birthday on Valentine’s Day (2/14/02)... but you were born in the late summer... of 2001. 75% of my life so far has been with you. From Valentine’s Day to Halloween of 2019... ironic that these are the holidays for you.

I will write to you often. And someday, we will meet over that Rainbow Bridge. Just wait close by, I will be there.

Love, Missy

#cat #catblr #death of pet #euthanasia #i said goodbye #dear duchess

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