mydigialdiary

[mydigialdiary]

6/18/2025

Dear Diary,

I feel like I’m lost within myself. I’m starting this diary to, I guess, find myself… and document my life so I can look back on it one day. I’ve never been that comfortable expressing myself to people, but since this is anonymous, what the hell why not?

I’m an overthinker. My mind runs constantly, day and night, so maybe writing things out will help me find a little clarity.

I’m a 19-year-old Black girl in college. I want to live life and explore new things, but lately, I’ve been so depressed, all I do is lay in bed and rot. And the wild part is, I don’t even know why I’m depressed. I have friends I love, a solid support system, and family who genuinely care about me. My love life is kind of dumb right now, but I think that’s only because I won’t let myself get close to anyone romantically.

Maybe it’s because I haven’t really “found myself” yet. I don’t like being perceived. I hate the idea of people forming an opinion of me, especially when it’s wrong. I wish I could see myself the way others do. I hate knowing someone might be thinking about me. That’s probably why I can’t open up to love. I don’t want someone to fall for an idea of me and then realize I’m not what they imagined.

I’m always the one to ghost because my mind convinces me they’re losing interest or never really wanted me in the first place. I feel like I need to work on myself before I open that door again. I like the idea of being liked and the thought of love… but when someone actually tries to pursue me, something in me pulls away. Sometimes, it even disgusts me. That’s why I hate when my guy friends catch feelings, the moment that happens, I don’t want to talk to them anymore.

Anyway, enough about love and all that blah blah blah…

Sometimes I feel like I don’t even have a mind of my own. I’ll believe in something, but the second someone challenges it, I start thinking they make more sense than me. It’s frustrating.

I think I’m going to take a break from TikTok and start reading more. Maybe my lack of reading is part of what’s messing with my sense of self. Honestly, now that I’m writing all of this down, it already feels like this little cloud over me might start to fade.

“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.” – Mary Oliver

Even though I’m going through a hard time trying to find myself, I know something great is waiting for me on the other side.🫶

With that being said, goodnight for now.

xoxo