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myemptiestvoid · 5 years ago

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brain dump

entire post will be one big ramble because thats what i do best.

today i woke up and i’m not okay because my brain sucks and it broke again so i am going to type until the urge of wanting to kill myself and/or hurt myself disappears. i dont understand why this happens. i dont know how to explain it to anybody but it fucking sucks.

i dont understand how one day, everything is completely fine and im happy, im okay and in the matter of like... what 8 hours? i wake up and everything is going to fucking shit in my mind. its harder because i really dont think anybody can fully comprehend the way i feel whenever i get like this so i just rather not talk. sulk in my own silence and cry until i cant cry anymore.

overall, im happy but im not happy. and im not sure if that even makes sense because its hard to explain. am i the happiest ive been in a while? yes. i can absolutely say this and agree to that thought. but on a mental spectrum i dont think im happy. if i was, i wouldnt feel like this.

i want nothing more than to just disappear from everything and exist in my own realm. i feel like i am a burden to a lot of people and everyone has pity for me because i cant manage to keep myself grounded or ok for more than a week and its annoying. i hate feeling like this. i hate feeling like im bothering people. i just want everything to be okay and im not sure if thats ever going to be a thing.

the one thing im good at is running from my problems and avoiding how i feel and thats probably the unhealthiest coping mechanism ive developed. some days i want to relapse, which is kinda fucked. i relapsed once this year and felt like this about it because i threw away 3 solid years of sobriety, started over but since that day ive just wanted to do it again. the one thing i can remember about that period was feeling nothing and although it felt weird to feel nothing it also felt really fucking great. it felt good not having to deal with anything and just being numb to everything around me. it felt good just existing and not caring about shit because i was way too high to give a damn about it. being sober has made me realize how bad things are./

i try my best but i feel like my best isnt enough. my best isnt doing anything beneficial for me. i am in a never ending cycle of wanting to end my entire existence day in and day out. i am in a never ending cycle of wanting to split myself open until i bleed out. and it scares me because i really feel like one day ill do it. one day i wont have control over anything im feeling and thats going to be the day it happens. and nobody will be there to help me because ive learned over time what id have to do in order for nobody to find me in that position to stop it.

the older i get, the more i remember. i dont like that. i wish i didnt have to remember anything bad that happened to me or that i was lucky enough like paris to just.. push all of that so far back in my head it never happened. i resent my mom for a lot of it because in the grand scheme of things its really her fault. she let all of that happen to me and here i am today, dealing with it. by myself. because im too scared to open up about what really happened to me growing up. and even if i did she wouldnt care because she continues to deny everything. the way things work is just weird. i dont get how someone can deny the way they make you feel or guilt trip you for feeling that way. im happiest when im away from her. and it sucks because thats my mom but i dont know. i feel like an actual mother wouldnt ever put you in a position to be hurt like that. i remember being little and telling her the things that would happen to me and she never believed me. that sucks. instead of listening to me she just kept putting me in situations that enabled the people around to do it more. instead of listening to me i felt like i had to protect myself against everyone around me. thats probably why im so scared of people now. i feel like everyone is going to do something to me and i dont like living my life like that. i wouldnt be like this or feel any of this if she just listened to me and even then, if she cared for two seconds about someone other than herself to realize how much damage she causes.

i wish i could fix our relationship but i dont think thats going to be a thing and i kinda just started to accept that over the last few weeks. it doesnt matter what i do for her its never going to be enough. her biggest mistake in life was having me out of spite and it shows. i will continue to blame myself for the way she is. i will continue to feel like its my fault. is it true? no. but thats something i cant change. if she was an alcoholic that accepted the fact she was an alcoholic and held herself accountable for the things she does, i think id be less angry about everything. i wouldnt be as upset. but its the fact shes an alcoholic, lying about being an alcoholic, denying the fact that shes an alcoholic that gets under every layer of me to the point im so frustrated about it. i woudnt care if she was open about the issue but she isnt. she hides things like i wont know or like i dont know. but its very obvious. ever since 11/29/18 shes lied day in and day out about her problem. i tried to help but nothing works and i honestly dont care to help anymore.

i am selfless. a little too selfless. im selfless to the point that im willing to put my own needs so far behind me in order to help everyone else and then i realize that i am in a deep deep mess of a puddle and i cant get out of it. everything begins to consume me like im standing in quicksand and then it just gets bad. im selfless when it comes to my mom because i just want her to be ok. i want her to be happy. but shes happiest whenever shes drunk and i cant change that. thats what i have to accept. but its a lot easier to say that than it is to actually accept it.

i dont know what to do and its frustrating me.

brain is fairly empty and that feeling isnt there anymore but im probably going to end up feeling like that again so more brain dumps. at the end of the day i just need to stop overthinking and probably do something more productive to help myself.

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