myghostsdonthavehearts-blog

[myghostsdonthavehearts-blog]

05/10/2018 • Oh, ok • 10:54pm

Hung out with him on the 8th. Tuesday night.

He was with his Uncle. I’ve met him before. Cool dude. Crazy as fuck, but he’s good peoples. Kept trying to get me to sleep with him. Mostly jokes but he was serious to a degree.

I held my own and shot back with sarcasm and my usual shit talking. You know me, I talk shit to the ones that can handle it. He says he likes me because I’m like that.

I guess he mentioned it to Eddie before I showed up, so it was pretty much just Eddie watching me deny his Uncle all night.

It was fun for all of us. Lol

Every time they talked about it Eddie would say “I told you, man. GOOD LUCK!”

He knows I wouldn’t do that.

His uncle seemed to almost be amazed at how loyal I am to him. I guess it really isn’t something he’s ever had before.

Unfortunate.

It’s both an honor and a curse to be someone’s first.

Hold on, REWIND!

I met up with them at The Nugget.

We hung there until close. Shelton showed up between 1 and 1:30.

We all went to Henry’s.

It was chill.

I observed, like I always do.

Eddie wanted a cigarette, I didn’t have any but we went outside together anyway.

He smoked a bowl.

He mentioned his Uncle and told me what was going on. (Him trying to sweet talk me)

I laughed and everything up until that point made sense.

Then he said “I have a girlfriend now.”

It was like he couldn’t hold it in any longer, it came out of his mouth so strong.

8 months.

I’ve spent 8 months of my life with him and after all of that time of no labels, there’s finally one.

It just doesn’t belong to me.

Honestly, I thought it would kill me to hear him say those words but I actually felt relieved.

For once, I know exactly where I stand with him.

I’m glad he’s found someone he wants to be with.

Funny, he kissed me within the same two minutes of telling me that.

I can’t remember if he kissed me and then told me or if he told me and then kissed me.

But there was a kiss.

I should feel bad.

I don’t.

He’ll always be my silly boy.

Alright, back to where we were.

After Henry called it a night, we went to Shelton’s. Shelton stayed outside for about 15 minutes. So we stood out by Eddie’s Uncle’s car.

Back to the conversation..

His Uncle said “wait, so you have this girl here that says she’s 100% single, she’ll do anything for you, she takes care of you, and cares about you. But you went and got a girlfriend..?”

We all laughed and he said “yeah.”

We all know how stupid that sounds but we all know Edward.

And I know how he works. How his mind is..

They were drunk. They had already been drunk for hours.

They had a pretty serious conversation about me.

It was established that my feelings for Eddie are very real and he said “I know she’ll never do me dirty. She’s the only one I can count on like that. The only one. And I don’t know what to do with that.”

His Uncle looked at me and I said “and THAT’S why he has a girlfriend.”

Eddie said “yeah”

Funny how he’s more comfortable talking about his feelings and his thoughts about me now that he’s with someone else.

I think the familiarity of his Uncle helped a lot too.

—he told me about a month ago that my love scares him. So I took it away for a little while, as well as my presence. And he found someone else.—

He says he wants it to work with her.

His Uncle said “yeah, you go have your fun with that girl and then when that doesn’t work out, you come back and get this huggable girl.”

He said multiple times how I’m “huggable” and that I’m squishy and warm.

There was a lot of talk about sex as well.

I understand Eddie more any time he talks about sex.

His Uncle eventually left when the sun was coming up.

I planned on just leaving, maybe a hug and a “see you later”, but it’s Eddie.

I couldn’t resist.

Fuck it, why not?

Back seat.

I think a woman a few houses down saw us.

We didn’t care.

Get dressed, crazy fuckers.

Then, he did something he doesn’t usually do..

He said he was going inside and then leaned back into the back seat and gave me a kiss.

A single kiss.

Simple.

I love when he kisses me like that.

Make out sessions are great too but there’s something about those little kisses..

Part of him will always be mine.

Part of me will always be his.

Like I said earlier, I should feel bad.

I just don’t.

•••11:38pm

[myghostsdonthavehearts-blog]

"I'm tired.." • 04/24/2018 • 12:37am

Who would've thought the cliche excuse I gave for most of my life would actually turn out to be the honest truth one day..?

I'm just so tired.

Tired of my sucky existence.

Tired of always having to be the first one to reach out.

Tired of having to hold myself together.

Tired of feeling like I'm the only one that gives a shit in this relationship.

Am I really so bad?

It's been almost 8 months..

Will this ever be something you tell your family about?

Or will I always just be "your friend"?

I've told my family and close friends about you.

Everyone knows how much I love you.

They all see that I truly care for you.

I want the best for you. You deserve the best.

I'm finally realizing and beginning to accept that it probably isn't me.

It sucks but I still want to see you be happy.

I'd like to see you in a relationship with someone that treats you right and cherishes you.

You are such a beautiful soul.

I'm honored to know you the way I do.

I'm just so sorry.

I'm sorry I took up so much of your time only to find out that I'm not the type of woman you want.

I could be wrong on saying that but honestly your actions and behavior lately make me feel like I'm not enough.

I still love you very much.

I'm in love with you.

But I won't make you stay here with me.

I hope you find what you want and that it also wants you.

If not, I'll still be here.

You're one of my favorite people and one of my best friends.

I'll always be here for you if you need me.

I love you Eddie.

•••12:59am

[myghostsdonthavehearts-blog]

02/27/2018 • "But Heaven couldn't wait for you.." • It's your birthday. We got ready and headed to the park and it was only when we were a block away from the park that I realized we weren't going to see you when we got there. I felt like I was going to throw up. But we went and released purple star balloons with our own words written on them for you. Then we went to your favorite Peter Piper and ate pizza and cake. Definitely weird to celebrate without you but good to spend time with those closest to you and know we're all still together in this. I miss you, Lena. Much love, my brotha. 💜

[myghostsdonthavehearts-blog]

This one was taken 07/07/2015 • Dude, my heart.. • I was looking through my phone at old pictures yesterday and came across this one. I don't remember taking it but I'm so glad I did. I realized your birthday is coming up and I had to fight back tears. I miss you every day. I almost hit you up on Snapchat a few days ago because of the shit I've been putting myself through lately. I need your shit talking, tough love, and encouragement right now. I guess I need to grow out of that, huh? Now that you're not here to keep me in check the way you did for all those years. It's time to grow up. 💜

[myghostsdonthavehearts-blog]

This song, man.. killing me.

[myghostsdonthavehearts-blog]

My phone only buzzes/rings when somebody needs a ride, a male acquaintance is drunk, or when someone famous I'm following posts something.

[myghostsdonthavehearts-blog]

That one day in January.. • He's always on my mind. This time I had the cheesy Snapchat filter to help me out with my super lame, hella sappy, very gushy selfie. • I'm so lame, I know! • I just love him so much though!

[myghostsdonthavehearts-blog]

02/14/2018 • ...but I brought you flowers! • Valentine's Day really isn't a big deal to me, I love you every day. Every minute. I know I've been a little shit lately but that's just because I know you can take it. You wouldn't dish it if you couldn't take it, right? My heart belongs to you. It has for some time now. Even before the first time I told you I love you. I love and appreciate you more than I can say. My love for you always has been and always will be unconditional. You don't seem to like when I write these things out, so I didn't put your name anywhere and I won't tag you. But if you see this, you know who you are. You're so important to me, my silly boy. I love you, baby. 🖤

[myghostsdonthavehearts-blog]

02/05/2018 • Let's call this one "Why?"

[myghostsdonthavehearts-blog]

"Tela, Tela, Tela.." • 01/01/2018 • 7:29am

"Everyone keeps asking me if you're my girl."

"She takes care of me."

"She's like a nurse.."

-I quit.

"Do you listen to A Perfect Circle?"

-yeah, kinda..

"Do you know the song 'Nurse'? Or 'The Nurse'? Something like that."

-I don't think so..?

"On Thirteenth Step. Look for it and listen to it."

~we listened to it.

It's called The Nurse Who Loved Me.

He told me a story about a girl he knew in school. She had cancer.

He never answers the question everyone asks.

Which probably means I'm doing too much.

But I don't know how to take any of it away from him now.

I guess I should figure it out, yeah?

••7:37am

[myghostsdonthavehearts-blog]

12/27/2017 • Every death I've ever experienced has been a shared loss. Usually family. So there's always a group of us going through the same thing, holding each other up. But this time was different. I'm not sure if any of you can tell, but I'm not okay. I lost one of the oldest friends I had. Sure, I have a few friends also going through it but we all had different relationships with Lena. It's safe to say now that each of us feel like we were closest to her but that's because that's how she was. She always made you feel special and important. She made you feel like you mattered. Even when she was calling you out on your bullshit, she did it in a way that let you know she genuinely cared and that she believed you were capable and worthy of so much more than you thought. Of course, she didn't hold back on the jokes at your expense, but that's what I always loved about her as well. She could laugh at anyone and you couldn't help but laugh with her. Even if it was you she was laughing at. My Mom said everyone has to go through this. Everyone will lose someone this way and they'll have to do it alone. Since the day I got that phone call I've felt alone. Not in a selfish "why me" way, but just in a strange fog of some sort. I know I'm not the only one that lost her. I see her siblings, family, and other good friends hurting. I just don't know what to do when I have those rare moments that I realize I'm also part of this. It's like I'm watching a movie or reading a play and it's my turn to say my lines and the page is blank. Except, nothing is blank. The lump in my throat still hasn't moved. It's not just a lump, it's a ball of everything I never got to say. Everything I kept saving for the next time I'd see her. The knot in my stomach seems to be getting tighter and tighter. The initial knot was from the words that felt like a hard punch to my gut. My stomach muscles haven't relaxed in weeks because I still gag when I realize this is all real. My chest goes back and forth from feeling heavy to feeling empty. If screaming and crying out would make me feel better I'd do it, but it doesn't. I know, I already tried that a few times. I'm sure we all have..

[myghostsdonthavehearts-blog]

Where the fuck has the time gone..? • 12/24/2017 • 1:53pm

Well, shit..

Last time I wrote something here was the beginning of November, I think. Looks like I was angry too..

I remember that night. I wanted to hit him so bad.

But I didn't.

I let the anger turn and fold and grow in my stomach instead.

It hurt.

Oh well, whatever. Same shit, different person.

Well, not the exact same shit, but there are still some questions and questionable behavior but it wouldn't be my love life if it wasn't that way, right? I've never had a relationship of any kind that made sense.

ANYWAY, I went on a little mini rant.. Sorry.

A lot has happened in my usually boring life since that post.

Most of it has to do with Eddie because he's the person I spend most of my time with.

So there's all that sappy stuff and emotions and all that.

But there was also a death.

A death that I still can't believe actually happened.

My LenaLOVE passed away December 6th.

I'll never forget the feeling in my stomach when I got that phone call.

Alana was so lost. I could hear it in her voice.

It still hasn't fully sunk in.

My mind keeps playing tricks on me.

It's so bad that I had to make a somewhat morbid background for my lock screen and my home screen on my phone.

It says:

_____________

You're awake.

It's real.

She's gone.

It'll be alright.

Breathe.

_____________

I know Eddie saw it recently. Not that I'm trying to hide it, but it's definitely not something I'm proud of. I mean, how fucked is my head that I have to do that?! I have to be reminded every time I look at my phone because it doesn't feel real. Even after her services last weekend I couldn't wrap my head around it. It wasn't until last Sunday, after a night and morning in Phoenix with Eddie, I went to the cemetery alone and I finally broke down for real.

Sure, I'd done a bit of crying every day since the phone call until the services but this was different.

I was crying so hard and so loud. I had to hold my stomach and my head and lean against my driver door because I felt like I was going to literally fall apart.

I screamed and cried out for her.

I apologized for not being there.

I fucking BROKE.

And even after all of that, I still need the constant reminder.

IT JUST DOESN'T FEEL REAL.

And as if that wasn't enough for my heart and head to deal with, we lost my Uncle last night.

I read the text message when I was getting out of work. I called my Mom to see where her and Dad were and they were at my Uncle's trailer. I clocked out and went to his trailer to see how my Dad was.

I don't like when my Dad is sad.

But he knows we're all here with him through this.

I wish I had better updates this time, but it's all death.

At least, for this post.

I'm off to work now.

••2:15pm

[myghostsdonthavehearts-blog]

12/21/2017 • 7 days • 7 black & white photos of your life • No people, No explanation ••• DAY 2 (I know it's been over a month since the first one, but here's the second one!)

[myghostsdonthavehearts-blog]

11/14/2017 • 7 days • 7 black & white photos of your life • No people, No explanation ••• DAY 1

[myghostsdonthavehearts-blog]

God fucking dammit • 11/11/2017 • 2:38am

Stop telling me to shut up before I fuck you up.

I love the fuck out of you but I will hurt you if you keep up with this shit.

[myghostsdonthavehearts-blog]

11/10/2017 • "And isn't it great to find that you're really worth nothing..?" • Listening to a lot of City and Colour the past few days. • Kinda sad but such beautiful lyrics and music.

[myghostsdonthavehearts-blog]

It came out of fucking nowhere last night and I'm still having trouble shaking the horrible feeling tonight..